Overcoming Runaway Emotions

Learn how to cope with a mechanism underlying Panic Attacks,
Temper Tantrums, and Deep Depressions

Overcoming Runaway and Prolonged Emotions:

Overcoming Panic Attacks and Other Runaway Emotions

Tom G. Stevens PhD

Index

Test and Understand Your Emotional Coping Skills

Get Control of Runaway Emotions and Panic Attacks

Understanding the Causes of Runaway Emotions Including
Panic Attacks, Deep Depressions, and Temper Tantrums

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Overview:

* Do you ever get caught in cycles of depression--which seem like there is no way out?
* Do you ever lose control of your temper so that it is a problem for you (or others)?
* Do you ever have "panic attacks" or other states of prolonged, high anxiety?
* Do you notice that over the years you seem to "be more emotional " than others?
* Do you ever feel extremely frightened or terrified?
* Have you ever had a problem with an addictive behavior (smoking, overeating, alcohol, drugs, work, sex)?
* You can change all of these patterns beginning today!
* Would you like to learn how to overcome panic attacks without medication and feel calmer and more peaceful?

EMOTIONAL COPING SKILLS HAVE PROLONGED AFFECTS
ON OUR OVERALL HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS

How do you typically react when you get upset? Your reactions to your emotions are called your "coping reactions." My research and the research of many others has shown that the cumulative effects of our moment-to-moment coping reactions produce major differences in our overall success and happiness. Think of reacting constructively to a negative emotion as laying a brick toward building a "happy house" for the future. This is a place where you can be in control of your life and happy in the future. Each negative reaction simply fails to add a brick, but each positive reaction adds a brick. To get a better understanding of how you have been reacting in the past, try taking the little test below.

PRACTICE: Take the Coping Scale of the Life Skills Questionnaire. Follow these instructions. After taking the test, then read about it in the section which follows to interpret your results.

Instructions: What do you do (or think) when you feel very unhappy, depressed, nervous, angry, anxious, under stress, or other negative feelings. For each of the following items, 1 through 12, check the estimated percentage (0-100%) of the time that you do(or think) each of the following responses to any of the above negative feelings. (NOTE: Most people make more than one response each time they feel negative feelings.)

Write the letter (A-E) which corresponds to the percentage of time you make that response (when upset) beside each question. For example if you tend to eat when you are upset 30% of the time, write "B" beside question "1. Eat."

A = 0-20% B = 21-40% C =41-60% D = 61-80% E = 81-100%

1. Eat.

2. Worry, think negative thoughts, think of problems without thinking of good solutions, or put a lot of energy into blaming myself or others.

3. Think about what caused the feelings, think of possible solutions, and take action to solve the underlying problem.

4. Outwardly express emotions by "losing my temper," crying, damaging something, or "getting even."

5. Just avoid thinking about problems by sleeping, keeping busy, or telling myself I'll think about it later.

6. Withdraw from others, feel hurt, hold all my emotions in, feel sorry for myself.

7. Try to do something involving or fun to get rid of the feelings I am having (socialize, listen to music, read, fun with others, shopping, go for a walk, etc.).

8. Talk to someone else about the feelings (friend, family member, counselor, etc.).

9. Think positive thoughts and goals and give myself a "pep talk."

10. Smoke a cigarette or tobacco product.

11. Drink an alcoholic beverage, take drugs, or use prescribed medication.

12. Participate in a vigorous physical activity (eg. tennis, running, exercise, dancing, aerobics, etc.).

Results. The overall results of our research giving this questionnaire to one group of over 1,000 college students showed some interesting results. A positive overall score on the coping scale had the following correlations with some of our criterion measures.⁽²⁾ The correlation between the coping score and overall grade point average was .25.

Higher scorers also tended to have more and happier close relationships. The correlation with happiness in various life areas was as follows: as a student .45, in job and career .41, in sexual relationship .31, in friendships .40, in family.42, in recreation .38, with self and personal development .47, and with spiritual life .29. The correlation with overall happiness in their life for the past three years was .57. I believe that this data speaks for itself! How we typically react when we feel upset has a powerful effect on our overall happiness and success in life.

How do you score your own results? Questions 3, 7, 8, 9, and 12 are scored as positive coping reactions. The rest are scored as negative. For a positive item give 5 points for E, 4 for D, 3 for C, 2 for B, and 1 for A. For a negatively scored item, give 5 points for A, 4 for B, 3 for C, 2 for D, and 1 for E.

To compare yourself to our sample of college students add these scores together. The minimum possible score was 12, the maximum 60. The mean score was about 36. About 16% scored less than 23 and about 16% scored above 48. However, the most useful thing to do is look at your own scores and see which negative coping behaviors you do too often and which positive ones you do too little of and begin working on some changes.

FOR MORE HELP ON OTHER FACTORS RELATED TO HIGH ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS (and to find your HQ (Happiness Quotient) take Dr. Stevens' free Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ)--click here.

EMOTIONAL "STRESS REDUCERS" RECEIVE POWERFUL REINFORCEMENT

Any behavior that we perceive as causing us to feel better can have a powerful reinforcing effect--it can make the behavior more "habitual." Thus our "coping behaviors" tend to be "self-reinforcing." The fact that a behavior--no matter how healthy or unhealthy--makes us feel better causes that behavior to be reinforced.

PROLONGED ANGER. Aggression is learned, not innate--it can be replaced with constructive behaviors. Many people believe that aggression is an innate result of feeling frustrated. Years ago, many psychologists believed in the "frustration-aggression hypothesis"--that aggression was an innate response to frustration.

Now, research has shown that whatever response helps reduce frustration tends to become our habitual response to frustration. Most of us have learned to use constructive problem-solving and constructive communication approaches to resolving our frustration. Once we use these skills--and they are reinforced adequately by reducing our frustration--then problem-solving and effective communication are rewarded and become more habitual.

To the degree that aggression is reinforced over constructive problem-solving, then aggression will tend to be strengthened as the habitual response to frustration. Aggressive people often use the "frustration aggression" hypothesis as an excuse for continued aggression. They say that they "cannot help" but be aggressive. Or they say that it is healthy to "get it out of their system." None of these statements is true! It is true that prolonged frustration is unhealthy, but constructive means of reducing it have better health consequences than destructive means. (See web site for booklet, Overcoming Anger and Aggression.)

In addition to learning to reward constructive--not aggressive--thinking and behavior for ourselves, it is also an important principle to learn when dealing with other people. How we respond to our spouses, children, parents, peers, or authorities will make a difference in how they treat us!

ADDICTIONS. WARNING: Using a substance as a "stress reducer" can lead to addictive behaviors. Taking any substance (including food) as a stress-reducer tends to create an addiction to that substance! This gets at the heart of the expression "abusing a substance in order to escape dealing with problems." For example, it is well known that when people begin using alcohol in order to cope with emotions that is an important turning point on the road to alcoholism.

If you are having a problem with an addiction--including work, food, or sex "addictions"--stop using them as stress reducers completely. And find constructive stress-reducers to use instead--each time that you feel stress. The stress may be just mild feelings of "tiredness," unhappiness, boredom, stress, resentment, or guilt. It is not so much the strength of the emotion that causes the addiction, but the type of coping response you use to reduce the negative emotion.

If you do have a serious problem with any type of addiction, you will probably need to make some fundamental life changes in your ultimate concern, basic beliefs, and the people you associate with. You will also probably need to become highly involved with a group which can help you--such as a 12-step program (Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, etc).

PROLONGED ANXIETY and DEPRESSION. Worry and depressive thinking can also be reinforced by their stress-reducing effects. Obsessive worrying about small details can help us avoid thinking about the larger--more frightening--underlying problems. Avoidance of higher anxiety-producing thoughts can reinforce worry. Other people may also reinforce our worry. Parents or others may see our "worry thinking" as "being responsible," "caring," or some other positive interpretation, which serves as a reinforcer.

The self-punishment and negative self-labeling that often increases guilt and depression may also be reinforced by self and others. We may reinforce it by beliefs which encourage those thoughts--"be humble," "don't brag," "be tough on myself," "self-punishment will make me try harder." We may have learned these from parents who modeled these thinking patterns, criticized us often, and let us off easy when we were hard on ourselves.

To change these negative thinking habits, we must first become aware of them and their reinforcers. Then use the more positive philosophical beliefs in this book to replace them. It will take time to build up positive cognitive belief systems and give them control over the negative ones that were developed and reinforced for so many years. But it can be done--and you can notice the differences immediately! Return to index

GETTING CONTROL OF "RUNAWAY EMOTIONS" and PANIC ATTACKS

In previous chapters, you also learned other underlying beliefs and skills you need for getting control of "runaway" emotions and prolonged emotions. But applying them to those problems can be tricky. Following are a few of the main factors which tend to magnify versus reduce our emotional reactions to events.

Wrong ultimate concern(s)--Instead, choose to put your Higher Self in control and make happiness your ultimate concern. We can only control our own thoughts, actions, and--indirectly--our emotions. We have varying degrees of control over the external world. We can influence how other people think, whether we will be rich or poor, healthy or sick, or many other things--but we cannot control them. If we make any external outcomes our ultimate concern, then we are automatically building our happiness on a foundation of sand. Because we never know whether or not we will have that which our happiness is dependent upon! Go to Chapter 3

People who experience frequent emotional problems with "panic attacks," depression, or temper almost always make their ultimate concerns something they have no control over! Most commonly that includes one of the following.

 Family (or peers). They believe that they cannot be happy without winning the approval of their parent(s), other family members, or peers. [Or "internalized" family members or peers.] Go to Chapter 6

 Love relationship.  They believe that they cannot be happy without a "love relationship," happy marriage, or someone else who will "make them happy." Go to Relationship section

 Career success. They believe that they cannot be happy without achieving a certain amount of career success.

 Lifestyle. They believe they cannot be happy without some sort of imagined lifestyle. That may include a certain income, house, car, going out, traveling, or dress. Or perhaps it has to do with more intangible aspects of a lifestyle--such as freedom, living in a beautiful area, or participating in certain activities (sports, music, church, etc.).

 Pleasure, thrill-seeking, or other types of "lower" temporary states. Fun and pleasure are great--except when they conflict with other, more important and long-lasting values. There is a chasm of differences between seeking overall happiness for self and others and temporary pleasures.

People who make pleasure or excitement their ultimate concern frequently have severe emotional problems, because they are not aware of this chasm. They are often especially plagued by feelings of guilt--due to their lack of priority given to other people or their own futures. Pleasure-seeking is often an underlying cause of addictive behaviors.

Examine your underlying fears and tendency toward a negative world view. If they contribute to your emotional reactions, then re-read chapter five and begin acting on it.

Expecting too much--Use "abundance thinking" instead of "deficit thinking"--start with "zero expectations" of what you will receive. Perhaps you are just assuming that you will continue to have a lifestyle which is at least as good as the one you have had all your life. But even that can be taken away. Review chapter five--replace high expectations, deficit thinking, and "entitlement thinking" with zero expectations and abundance thinking. A person who uses deficit thinking is never happy with what they have--no matter how much they have.  Go to Abundance Thinking

Low self-esteem--Develop unconditional self-worth and self-acceptance instead. If you have continued problems with any emotion, it is likely that you do not love yourself unconditionally. You probably have not been able to accept important subparts, limitations, or parts of your past. Whenever a current emotional issue touches upon one of these issues, its significance will be magnified. Use the suggestions in chapter six.  Go to Chapter 5

External control--Replace with internal control. If you are too dependent upon others for decisions or for providing for your happiness, then this will cause another type of underlying insecurity. Believing that we are competent and in control of our own needs and happiness is essential for feeling secure. If you do not have adequate self-sufficiency, independence, and internal control, review chapter seven.   Go to Chapter 6

Negative cognitive styles--use rational thinking instead! One client came in with a prolonged and severe fear of rejection. One aspect of the problem was that whenever anyone would say anything negative to him--even slightly disagree with him--he interpreted their response as severe rejection. He thought that inside they were really thinking thoughts like, "He's such a loser," or "He's so boring."  

Not only did he think such negative thoughts, but he made his feelings worse by other negative thinking biases. He would start recalling all of the other times he has been rejected in his life (not recalling any of the times he has been liked). And he would project this into the future assuming that, "No one will ever really like me (or marry me)." People that tend to react to situations with more severe or prolonged emotional reactions tend to use negative cognitive thinking. In chapter six, we saw how we can develop negative cognitive styles that act as dirty filters. These include:

 Negative bias--finding a negative point of view or focusing on the glass "half-empty."

 Selective abstraction--finding and focusing on the negative aspects (picking the "C" among all "A"s)

 Overgeneralization--generalizing from an individual case or small sample to the whole. (Assuming that I will fail the course and be a failure in life because I failed one test.)

 Thinking in extremes--exaggerating the implications of things, overdramatizing effects.

"Wrong thinking"-- Use the Six Right Thinking mental control strategies to get you back "in the zone." We have seen how the root of causes of anxiety, anger, and depression are related to the balance between the input and our ability to cope with it. If we can find internal or external routes to coping adequately with the situation, we will feel happy. If we cannot, we will feel either overaroused or underaroused. Overarousal emotions include anxiety, anger, and their many forms such as guilt, frustration, shame, resentment, fear, nervousness, or stress. Underarousal emotions include boredom, depression, and their many forms such as loneliness, apathy, tiredness, loss of interest, or various forms of withdrawal.

We saw how we can learn to decrease overarousal and increase underarousal almost like we would adjust the thermostat in our house by using mental control techniques in order to "rise above" these unpleasant emotions and get "into the zone" of harmonious functioning. In chapter nine you learned how to use the Six Right Thinking mental control strategies for getting control of your overarousal or underarousal emotions. Use them daily!  Go to Chapter 8

Return to index

UNDERSTANDING "RUNAWAY EMOTIONS"--
Panic Attacks, Deep Depressions, and Temper Tantrums

OUR COGNITIONS CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS--But our emotions also affect our thinking

Not only does thinking affect emotions, but the feedback our higher brain centers get from emotions can affect our thoughts and perceptions.

"Negative emotion--thought feedback cycles" can cause deep depressions and suicide. A client came in who was deeply depressed. She had often been deeply depressed in the past, and upon more than one occasion had attempted suicide. She felt "hopeless." She was miserable and thought she would never be happy. After all, she had been periodically depressed for so many years that she was tempted to give up and end it all.

Both she and her family thought she was a failure in school, in her career, in her relationships, and in life. She didn't like her family much and didn't feel very close to any of her friends. In addition, all of her relationships with men had ended with them leaving her. What a failure--no wonder she is depressed and suicidal! [Is that what you are thinking?]

There were many reasons for her depression. Each of the factors I discussed above were important factors. She had never learned how to make herself happy. She had almost no activities she liked doing alone for pure enjoyment. Most of her time was spent trying to please others or meet their expectations (or her internalized versions of them). Her expectations were very high--for both herself and for other people. Therefore, she could rarely succeed in meeting unrealistically high standards herself. She could also be very "needy" and "bitchy" to her friends, whom she expected to make her happy and stay with her no matter how unpleasant she was to be around.

Learning how to adjust her expectations, learning how to view events more positively, learning how to make herself happy, and learning how to be less "needy" and dependent upon other people were key factors in her recovery from chronic depression.

Negative beliefs about emotions can magnify the emotional reaction. Another major cause of her escalating depression was viewing depression as bad in itself (or as a sign of other terrible things). She thought that depression meant that she had a mental illness and mental inadequacy. She thought that her depression was an indication that she would always be unhappy and a failure in life. She even thought that her depression was a sign that there was something terribly wrong with her in the eyes of God--that she was a bad person.

These negative beliefs about the meaning of depression magnified her depression whenever she got depressed--especially when she became severely depressed. During those times, the emotion of depression also signaled to her that she was helpless in controlling herself and her life. If was not just that she felt very depressed in that moment--she felt as though she had no control over it and as if it would never end. Just reminding her of previous times when she had felt so depressed and her recollection that these episodes had eventually passed helped her feel more in control.

It was important that she learn that the emotion of depression in itself has no implications for our self-worth, mental health, or future life. Instead, depression is a normal, constructive emotion that provides our brain with useful information. We have seen how depression tells us that we are temporarily functioning "below the zone" and/or that some underlying values are not being satisfied according to our expectations. The "Six Right Thinking" strategies can help us find ways to get increased control of depression immediately.

She also needed to learn that her self-worth is not dependent upon what others think, her success in life, or--especially--how depressed she is. She needed to increase her self-acceptance of her past "failures," accept worst-possible self-labels, and realize that her self-worth is unconditional. She did not pay attention to her own Church's teachings. According to Jesus' teachings, God's love is not dependent upon any mental condition (or anything else)--God unconditionally loves her not matter how depressed she gets. (He probably just wants her to feel better because He does care about her.) Her depression doesn't mean that she is a bad or unsuccessful person.

THE "RUNAWAY" EMOTIONS FEEDBACK CYCLE--It can happen with any negative emotion

When we are feeling depressed, we may tend to think more negatively and make more pessimistic judgements about the future. That negative thinking bias then causes us to get more depressed. The increased depression can cause even more negative thinking ad infinitum. As with my client, this negative cycle between negative thinking and negative emotions can lead to a full-blown severe depressive reaction.

Sometimes emotions seem to get out of control and become very frightening--simply because they seem out of control. As a result we may fear something "disastrous"--such as "going insane," "dying," or being depressed forever.

These cycles of deep depression, "temper tantrums," or panic attacks have one thing in common--the negative emotion increases negative thoughts--which, in turn, increase negative feelings. Each cycle increases both negative feelings and negative thoughts--until something final ends it. If nothing else intercedes finally the body will intervene--sheer exhaustion will begin to help reduce the extremely high (or low) emotional state. (See Figure 1.)

Return to index

WHAT IS A PANIC ATTACK? Panic reactions are high levels of anxiety in which we may feel that we are totally loosing control of our emotions or that something terrible may result from this loss of emotional control. This "I can't stand it" feared outcome may be some terrible result--often eventual death. Often panic attack sufferers sense a bodily reaction to anxiety

People getting panic reactions may feel their heart racing and fear a heart attack, they may feel some stomach pain and fear an ulcer, or they may feel tightness in their chest and fear suffocating. Or they may fear more psychological or social consequences such as "going crazy," "having a nervous breakdown," screaming, or doing something that will cause extreme embarrassment.

One major cause of panic attacks is the underlying fear of the outcome (such as "going crazy," having a heart attack, etc). Becoming aware of what those underlying fears are and learning ways of coping with those underlying fears is one major way of helping reduce "panic attacks." It is essential to change "I can't stand it" thinking to "I may dislike it, but I can cope with it" thinking patterns. For example, "Vomiting in public may be uncomfortable and elicit unpleasant reactions from others, but I won't die and I can stand it." People do not die or "go crazy" from panic attacks--those are serious misconceptions!

For example, one client got panic attacks in class and in groups. All this student was aware of was that he would suddenly start feeling anxious in class (or another group). As his anxiety went up, he noticed that his heart rate also went up and that his heart would start "pounding," that he was starting to feel a tightness in his chest, and that he was having trouble breathing. He would then start to get thoughts about the possibility of passing out or having a heart attack. (He had been to a physician who had told him that his heart was normal, but that didn't help.)

His worried thoughts about passing out or having a heart attack increased his anxiety more. Therefore, his heart rate and the pounding increased even more--in turn increasing his worried thoughts. In addition, he now begin to worry about his heart and anxiety being out of control. The more he would focus on his heart, the worse the "thumping" got. It seemed as if his heart would just "explode." Finally, he would leave in the middle of class.

Once out of the situation, his anxiety and heart rate would decrease. As they would decrease, he now told himself that he didn't have anything to worry about; and he felt relieved. The "panic attack" was over. (Notice the similarity to the depressive episode above.)

In therapy we discovered that the original cause of the initial anxiety (which started the whole cycle) was a fear of rejection and embarrassment. The student viewed himself as "different" from the other students in the class and was very sensitive about what he thought they thought of him. He was afraid that his dress, physical appearance, and manner alone might cause students to dislike or scorn him. He was afraid of speaking up in class out of fear of "making a fool out of myself." Self-esteem and external control were obviously important underlying issues responsible for the initial fear of rejection and anxiety.

Also, this student--like most students I have known suffering from panic attacks--was very "alone" in this community and had no roots established here yet. Learning how to take care of himself and his own happiness was also important.

The negative emotion-thought feedback loop is a cause of panic attacks.  One of the biggest causes of panic attacks is a feedback loop that works as follows: (See Figure 1.)

1-Original anxiety cause. Person starts feeling upset about one situation (eg. feeling "social anxiety" in class).

2-Anxiety stimulates secondary reaction. When person notices self feeling anxious, person notices that heart rate is increasing and breathing is starting to get tighter. This stimulates underlying "secondary" thought that person might get so anxious that he or she can't breath and might faint or die.

3-Positive feedback increases anxiety level. The thought that the person might loose control and be embarrassed or die further increases the anxiety level. When the person notices his or her anxiety level increasing even more, this only increases the secondary reaction (fear of being embarrassed, out of control, or dying), which again increases person's anxiety level, etc.

4-Feedback loop continues until something terminates it. When person's anxiety reaches some level, he or she may have learned some way to get out of the situation and stop it. For example, my client left the classroom.

The feedback loop works just like a microphone that gets positive feedback from the loudspeakers, then amplifies that sound, and so forth--until a loud screech results.

==> For help with PANIC ATTACKS related to PHOBIAS (strong fears),  learning how to using the proven Systematic Desensitization (SD) to Anxiety and Fear can help. SD is one of the most strongly proven techniques used by psychologists.  I have provided a complete set of Self Systematic Desenisitization instructions at:
http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/Desensit.htm

Get more control of panic attacks, deep depressions, temper tantrums.  My client learned how to interrupt the panic attacks at several points. He learned to deal with the fears being stimulated by the immediate situation--the "social anxiety" he felt in the classroom. He learned to deal with the immediate underlying fears--the. fears of being embarrassed and dying.

He learned to quit focusing on the increases in anxiety and focus on more constructive thoughts and ways of solving the immediate problem. It is very important to remember that it is the thoughts and beliefs about emotions which are magnifying the emotional reaction. These are just thoughts--not the truth! It is essential to question and replace these thoughts with more positive ones.

When people get in deep depressions or get suicidal thoughts, they are often going though a similar process. Except, instead of anxiety, they primarily feel depression. There is a similar fear that the emotion will go on forever or get even worse until they "can't stand it." Questioning the "I can't stand it" self-statement is important.

The truth is that even if they do nothing, the depression will partially lift on its own--especially if they just accept that it is ok to feel awful and be depressed for awhile. Positive problem-solving, thinking, and actions can help even more.

Anger that builds up higher and higher into a rage also works on a similar feedback principle.

1. Expectations threatened. Usually the frustration and anger starts with the possibility or actual loss of something or not "getting what I want."

2. Not accept situation--determination to change it. There is a perceived cause--which is not understood or is seen as "wrong" or "bad" by one's own judgements. The person may feel "wronged" or "mistreated"--that he has been treated "unfairly." This should not be this way.

3. Initial anger. The emotion and associated physiological arousal of anger begin--due to lack of expectations not being met and lack of acceptance of situation.

4. Aggressive self-talk, intentional "holding on" to anger. The emotions of frustration and anger may increase secondary anger-provoking thoughts (such as "shoulds," rules, blame, or determination to meet the goal--even if it seems unattainable).

For example the person may "hold on" to their anger out of fear that if they let their anger diminish, they will lose their motivation to attain their goal. They may even "whip up their own anger" more to get more "motivated." Or they may want to "get even" or punish the person who has wronged them (due to beliefs about "an eye for an eye").

5. Anger increases due to secondary thought reaction. 

6. End. The person's rage can build--creating some sort of aggressive outburst or whatever response they choose to "get even" or get their expectations met. The cycle may continue until a temper tantrum produces some sort of "sobering" outcome. The anger may continue until it is clear that they will or will not obtain their goal and until they can accept that outcome.

In order to get control of the anger it is helpful to interrupt the cycle at all of the above points with more realistic, understanding, and accepting thoughts. It is also important for the person to find positive means of motivating themselves, so that they do not have to depend upon anger as a motivator. Anger has too many negative side-effects--bad health, alienating people, and it feels terrible.  See the appendix for methods of dealing with anger.

Recognizing that I have a choice of whether to get more control of my emotion can help. One thought to get for all three emotions is "No matter what this is doing to anyone else, this unpleasant feeling is very unpleasant to me, and I am getting sick and tired of feeling this way. I chose to accept that it is ok to feel this way--"I am not going crazy," "am not a lunatic," "am not really out of control." These are just thoughts--not reality. It is ok to feel that way, but I would prefer to feel better. I choose to think about immediate ways to feel better or get help in feeling better."

DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEFS ABOUT EMOTIONS HELP CAUSE RUNAWAY EMOTIONS

Beliefs that negative emotions are bad, destructive, or foretell some terrible consequences are often a root cause of "runaway emotions." Many of my clients have beliefs that emotions in themselves are bad or dysfunctional. Beliefs that emotions are bad or that intense emotions are bad are dysfunctional beliefs. They can set off a vicious runaway emotions cycle. We need to identify and "cleanse" ourselves of all beliefs such as the following:

"It is wrong to ever feel angry." Instead try, "Anger tells me that I don't seem to be getting what I want, and I need to understand and accept the situation (or other person) better."

"If I feel guilty, I must be guilty." Instead try, "If I feel guilty, I will examine my underlying beliefs are expectations. Do I want to change my behavior or my expectations? Do I need to make restitution?"

"Feeling depressed (or anxious) means that my feelings (or life) really are out of control." Instead, try "I may feel out of control or fear that my life is out of control, but that emotion does not mean that it really is out of control. I can get eventually get control and be happier!"

"Feeling fear is a sign of weakness." Instead try, "If I feel fear, I will try to examine why I am afraid and what I can do about it."

These are but a few examples dysfunctional beliefs many of us hold about emotions.

PRACTICE: Identify dysfunctional beliefs that you have about emotions. Look at the above examples and take each emotion--anger, depression, and anxiety. Identify any negative associations (thoughts) that you have with any of these emotions. Do you see them as signs of weakness, badness, incompetence, future negative outcomes, or anything else negative? If so, find more constructive beliefs and points of view to overcome these negative ones. Then use them whenever you get the negative emotions.

CREATING YOUR OWN POSITIVE LIFE THEMES, FANTASIES, OR "FANTASY WORLD"

Victor Frankl used his fantasy about his wife to feel loving feelings in spite of the inhuman surroundings. This was his means of surviving years in Auschwitz--the Nazi "death camp." His experience was fundamental in beginning the "existentialist" approach to psychotherapy.

In my own life I have had various fantasies based upon movies, books, observing other people, listening to music, and my own thinking. They have helped me view life more positively, set realistic goals, be motivated toward achieving those goals, and enhance the enjoyment of obtaining those goals. In chapter 12, you will find additional suggestions about creating your own positive life themes and roles for creating a happier, more productive life.

EXTERNAL ROUTES TO OVERCOMING ALL NEGATIVE FEELINGS

The physical setting I am in, the people I am with and their mental state, and the events going on which provide me with an array of stimuli can have a powerful effect upon my perception. To a very large degree, my earlier actions determined the environment I am currently in. Therefore, making wise choices which accurately predict my happiness in alternative future environments is a skill which can have a powerful effect on my future happiness. Building constructive stress-reducing activities into our schedule and using them habitually as stress-reducers are powerful means for changing chronic problems with anxiety, depression, and anger.

Problem-solving, planning, and actions. Direct problem-solving and action is the most direct external route to happiness.
  To see a model of how to make complex decisions--click here

Good personal organization and time management. Use the O-PATSM Time Management System--see chapter 9. Planning, prioritizing, and utilizing our time well in order to give time to each of our important value areas is a preventive, proactive approach to getting control of our emotions. It is the opposite of a reactive approach in which we constantly avoid dealing with our values and problems until they reach a crisis stage--thus living life in constant crisis instead of more stable harmony.

Get into more positive environments. We can leave, avoid, or reduce our time in environments in which we inevitable seem to feel bad and spend more time in those in which we feel better. This is one of the simplest, most direct ways that we can achieve more control over our emotions.

Different environments have (somewhat predictably) different emotional effects. If we are bored, we may want to get into an environment that is more complex, stimulating, or challenging. If we are feeling anxious or angry we may want a simpler, more calming environment. Each of us has developed our own tastes. Social environments can also vary greatly in how we react to them.

PRACTICE: Make a list of positive and negative environments. Make a list of positive and negative environments. Of the positive ones which ones are more calming for reducing arousal and which more stimulating for increasing it? How can you begin to spend more time in the positive ones and less in the negative ones? If there are some negative ones you choose to be in, how can you learn to cope with them so that you will feel better in them?

Using people resources. People can be major sources of positive or negative effects on our lives and happiness. We do not have to stay or be with people who are too dysfunctional to us--at least once we reach adulthood. No matter what we have been taught to believe, we have a choice about how we will spend our own time and who we will spend it with. This decision can have powerful effects upon our happiness and growth.

 Spend more time with people who help us grow and feel happy. Also, spend less time with those who reinforce old unproductive patterns and with whom we usually feel worse.

 Experts--consider counseling. A piece of advice from my mother I have always considered important is, "It is a wise man who learns from his experience, it is a far wiser man who learns from the experience of others." Education, reading, classes, professional counseling, self-help groups, and many others can help us in our quest for happiness and self-actualization. Find people who are proven experts and learn from them.

Low-cost, immediate activities that can help you feel better now! Make your own list of activities that will help you feel better now. Quite a few of these should be activities that you can do alone. These can include activities like calling a friend, go to a beautiful place, walking, riding a bike, going for a drive, listening to music, doing a hobby, going to a fun movie, and taking yourself out. Vigorous physical activities can be especially helpful in changing negative to positive emotions.

Make your own list. (See chapter 8: "Right Choice" for a sample list.)

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NOW

Keeping our ultimate concern [or highest goal] constantly in mind can give us direction in any situation. I want to maximize my overall happiness for myself and others. It is also helpful to remember that there are both internal and external routes to happiness to choose from at any time. Think about the figure from chapter 2 which shows general internal and external routes to happiness.

You can increase your mental control over your emotions, increase your self-esteem, and become more successful and happier. You can make significant progress on your journey to self-actualization--one step at a time!

Each moment we experience some emotion.
How we respond to negative emotions in that moment may seem insignificant.
If our response seems to make us feel better, then it is reinforced.
That one little response of the moment can grow into a powerful habit over time.
Therefore, the response we choose in that moment is not so insignificant at all.
It will determine whether we will lead a life of dysfunction and pain--
or a life filled with health and happiness.
---
Our thoughts and our emotions are linked.
Our thoughts determine our emotions,
but our emotions can affect our thoughts.
Our beliefs about our emotions are particularly important.
If our thoughts are the one resource we have for controlling our emotions,
and we produce thoughts that make the emotions worse,
then we are like the man who fights a fire--not by pouring on water--
but by pouring on gasoline.
If we want to be happy, then we must learn to think happy, talk happy, and do happy--
in as many of our moments as we can. 

Also see overview of runaway emotions
and 
Self Systematic Desensitization and Relaxation Techniques

1. This handout is from my web site: www.csulb.edu/~tstevens. Many Free online handouts and a free online copy of my book, You Can Choose To Be Happy: "Rise Above" Anxiety, Anger, and Depression are also available on my web site.

2. ² The higher the correlation, the stronger the relationship between the variables. For this type of data, a correlation in the .20 to .30 range is low; but nevertheless, shows a significant relationship. A correlation in the .30 to .45 range indicates a moderate relationship, and one in the 45 to .60 indicates a fairly strong relationship. (Advanced note: All of the correlations were significant at the .001 level or better.) <

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