Ch-2: We Can Choose To Be Happy:
Internal and External Routes to Happiness

Part 1

Do you sometimes say things like, "I can't help how I feel," "This stresses me out," "She makes me angry," or "You can't change how you feel." Are there times when you try your best to change how you feel, but fail? Does it seem like you've done everything that should make you happy, but somehow you are still not happy?

We all have experiences like these--in which our emotions seem to have a mind of their own. It is as if our emotions are being controlled by hidden, mysterious forces.

If you believe that you can't control your own feelings, then you may be partly right. You may be right in that (1) we all have limited control of our emotions, and (2) you have never learned all the tools for consciously controlling your emotions.

WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NOW

I used to believe that we had no control over our emotions, and I wasn't too good at controlling my own. But shortly after I made my commitment to experiment with making happiness my ultimate concern, that commitment had its first test. That night my father had taken my brother, Ron, and I on a drive around Phoenix. Dad stopped and told my brother and I to wait in the car while he went into a friend's house to "talk for a minute." Ron and I looked at each other wondering how long "a minute" would be. Thirty minutes later my brother and I were getting angry at dad for being so inconsiderate. We took turns reminding ourselves of all the times dad had been inconsiderate and making sarcastic comments. With each statement and accusing thought we made ourselves angrier and angrier.

Suddenly, I remembered my decision to feel as happy as possible. I realized that I was definitely not happy when I was feeling angry. For the first time in my life, I realized that my anger was hurting me more than it was hurting the person I was angry at. I realized that my father was probably in the house having a good time while I was in the car feeling miserable. That was not a happy thought.

So I just decided to feel happier. I stopped thinking the angry thoughts about my father and began to focus on the trees, stars, and beauty of the night. I also told my brother about this approach and it helped him feel better too. By the time my dad came back, I was quite happy.

Another amazing thing happened. When dad finally returned and saw that we were not angry, he was quite apologetic--a rare event indeed. Now, I realize that my positive attitude probably kept him from being defensive and gave him the space he needed to apologize.

Are you someone who doubts your ability to control your own emotions and "choose how you feel"? If so, you may be better at controlling your emotions than you think. For example, if you are feeling bad about a problem and you (1) consciously decide to think about the problem and (2) are successful in solving the problem, then you immediately feel better. Conscious problem-solving is only one of many internal routes to happiness.

PRACTICE: What has worked to get more control of your thoughts and feelings? Think of a situation in which you were upset, yet it was important to appear to be happy or to make a good impression with someone. Were you able to get yourself to actually feel better? How did you do it? You must have chosen thoughts that would help you get into the right mood. You chose to feel better by choosing thoughts that would affect your emotions. In the "Sound of Music," Maria "thought of her favorite things" when she wanted to feel better.

EMOTIONS ARE CONTROLLED MORE BY THOUGHTS THAN BY EXTERNAL EVENTS

Just how powerful can choice of thoughts be for overcoming a negative environment? What is the worst negative environment you can imagine?

Wouldn't living in a Nazi concentration camp be about as bad as any you can imagine? In his classic book, Man's Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl described how he survived Auschwitz when most others died. He lived in a bleak, filthy barrack on the verge of starvation--in constant pain from hunger or wounds. Daily, he performed backbreaking, menial work and witnessed the guards--and other prisoners--perform incredibly inhuman and sadistic acts. Many prisoners became animals--who would do anything to survive.

Many prisoners could not tolerate this environment and died. Dr. Frankl wrote that the key survival factor was the will to live, and that whenever someone lost that will, he would die shortly thereafter. Many "ran into the wire" of the electric fence to end their misery. Others became ill. Some simply became immobilized in a catatonic state until they died.

Dr. Frankl kept both his life and his humanity. His survival secret was to create his own positive inner world. He created a fantasy life with his wife and spent many hours in their imaginary life together outside the camp. Listen to the words of a man who overcame one of history's most inhumane situations.

The salvation of man is through love and in love.
I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, 
be it only for a brief moment,
in the contemplation of his beloved. . .
Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself,
undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and
that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid
and just as satisfying. . .love is as strong as death. (p. 61)

Dr. Frankl found that concentration on other higher, mental values also created happiness.

As the inner life of the prisoner tended to become more intense,
he also experienced the beauty of art and nature as never before.
Under their influence he sometimes even forgot his frightful circumstance.

This positive spirit was contagious. Feeling good himself helped him care more for others. Whereas many prisoners were cruel to each other, Dr. Frankl performed many acts of kindness. These acts added happiness.

How many of us--facing far less difficult situations than Victor Frankl--are tempted to give up? Reminding myself of Frankl's situation helps me put my own problems in perspective. If he could choose to live by higher values and choose to be happy in that environment, surely, we can choose to be happy in almost any circumstance.

Changing feelings is different from denying feelings. We all know of people who pretend to be happy or put on a happy face for others when they are really unhappy inside. We may do that ourselves. We also know of people who deny their negative feelings. I remember a client who was red-faced and so tense from his anger that he was about to squeeze the chair arms in two. He looked straight at his wife and between gritted teeth said, "I am not angry."

He was not only trying to fool her, but he was also trying to fool himself. He truly seemed to be unaware of his own anger at the time. He had shut off the focus of his attention from all of the internal bodily sensations such as the tenseness and rapid heart rate that were giving him feedback that he was angry. This is a good example of denying feelings. Denial is unhealthy because it robs us of valuable information that we can use to understand a problem.

To change our feelings from negative to positive, we need to first recognize, understand, and accept the negative feeling. That is step one. Step two is to find out what is behind the feeling and then try to find ways of changing those feelings. Simply pretending that we do not feel what we feel is not usually adequate to overcome the negative feelings.

Years ago my wife, Sherry, thought that trying to control emotions by changing thoughts was a superficial change method that was similar to denying how we really feel. I will let her speak for herself,

I used to believe that feelings were something that just happened to you.
I thought that you had no control over them and
you just feel how you feel."
I believed that people who thought that you could "choose how you feel"
were operating "out of their heads" not "out of their hearts."
I knew that for the most part I was a happy person, but I didn't believe that I was continually making choices and thinking thoughts
which caused my happiness or unhappiness.
Part of the reason was that I was not consciously thinking about whether or not my thoughts or choices would make me happy.
As I continued to grow and feel more in control of my life,
 I gradually realized that I am continually making choices every moment of my life.
I noticed how these choices of my thoughts and actions had direct effects on my happiness. 
Sometimes, it was easy to find an alternative that immediately caused me to feel happy.
At other times, I had to work through the sadness or anxiety,
and resolve underlying problems before I could feel happier.
In either case, knowing that
I can choose to be happy at almost any time--
even when I am feeling very bad--
gives me a feeling of inner strength I never had before.

Even though we can choose to be happy in any situation, it is not always easy to be happy. We need the right beliefs and tools for finding happiness. No one tool will work for all situations--we need many. This chapter will give you some basic tools; but to fill your toolbox, you must read the entire book.

How we choose to react to upsetting emotions has a major effect on our happiness. When you feel upset what are your most likely responses? Do you eat, drink, blame it on someone else, withdraw, avoid dealing with it, or just worry? Or, do you make better emotional coping responses such as solving the problem, discussing it, giving yourself a pep talk, or taking constructive action to help yourself feel better? The emotional coping scale first used on the Life Skills Questionnaire and later on SHAQ contains both negative and positive coping responses.

The Life Skills Questionnaire (LSQ) was my first questionnaire to study the relationship between thinking/learning, self-management, and interpersonal skills on life outcomes like success in college, career, and personal life. Over a four-year period, it was given to more than 4,000 college students and 385 people established in the community (Stevens,1986). Some of the conclusions in the first edition of this book were partially based upon the research using the LSQ. SHAQ incorporated most of the LSQ items.

Overall, the LSQ was quite successful at predicting outcomes–especially happiness. One of the most interesting findings was how strongly the Emotional Coping Skills scale correlated with life success. The correlation between the coping score and overall grade point average was .25. That’s almost as good a predictor as college aptitude test scores such as the SAT! Higher scorers also tended to have more and happier close relationships. The correlation with happiness in various life areas was as follows: as a student, .45; in job and career, .41; in sexual relationship, .31; in friendships, .40; in family, .42. The correlation with overall happiness in their life for the past three years was .57. I believe that this data speaks for itself! How we typically react when we feel upset has a powerful effect on our overall happiness and success in life. We found very similar results with SHAQ’s Emotional Coping scale about 15 years later (see later in chapter).
 

RESTATE "HELPLESSNESS" LANGUAGE INTO "CHOICE" LANGUAGE

Our speech habits often reveal important underlying beliefs affecting our happiness. Our speech habits not only reveal deep, inner aspects of us, but they also change important beliefs. We may use excuses that we are too stressed, too tired, or too busy to do something, when we actually just do not want to do it. The subtle, hidden message in that excuse is that "I cannot get control of my emotions--I am too weak or helpless."

These hidden messages have two major effects. First, they will affect others' beliefs about us. Others may believe that we are weak and helpless and treat us that way. Second--and even more importantly--we may believe the hidden messages ourselves. We may become more convinced that we actually are weak and helpless--thereby undermining our self-esteem.

In addition, a belief that our emotions are out of control contributes to anxiety and depression. We can stop undermining our self-esteem and self-confidence by monitoring our language. We can stop using "helplessness" language and start using "choice" language. Choice language is based on underlying beliefs such as the following.

•  "I can make choices that determine how I feel."
• "We are responsible for our own emotions."
•  "I can be honest with myself and others I trust."

In the box above are some examples of how we can transform helplessness language into choice language. During the next few days make a special effort to observe your own and other people's speech patterns. See how many people don't think they can control their emotions. Try to convert your own speech habits into "choice" language. 

Our speech habits often reveal important underlying beliefs that are affecting our happiness. Our speech habits not only reveal deep, inner aspects of ourselves, but they also change important beliefs. We may use excuses that we are too stressed, too tired, or too busy to do something, when we really just do not want to do it. The more subtle, hidden message in that excuse is that "I cannot get control of my emotions--I am too weak or helpless."

These hidden messages have two major effects. First, they will affect others' beliefs about us. Others may believe that we are weak and helpless, and treat us that way. Second--and even more importantly--we may believe the hidden messages ourselves. We may become more convinced that we actually are weak and helpless--thereby undermining our self-esteem.

In addition, a belief that our emotions are out of control contributes to anxiety and depression. We can stop undermining our self-esteem and self-confidence by monitoring our language. We can stop using "helplessness" language and start using "choice" language. Choice language is based on underlying beliefs such as the following.

•  "I can make choices that determine how I feel."
•  "We are responsible for our own emotions."
•  "I can be honest with myself and others I trust."

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