Dominance vs. Independent Intimacy

�Expect partner to make me happy

�Feel deprived--partner never meets my expectations. I give more than I get

�Give out of obligation and guilt (resent giving).

�Feel guilt or resentment depending on my perception of who is giving the most.

�Perception by others: Person is "needy," "demanding,""unhappy," and "low self-esteem."

�Both partners feel trapped and unhappy.

INDEPENDENT-INTIMACY RELATIONSHIPS

�Expect to make self happy

�If make self happy, anything I get from partner is a "bonus" for which I am grateful

�Give out of empathy and caring (enjoy giving)

�Feel free and happy--don't need to measure who gives what because giving is a "win-win" proposition (we only give what we get joy from).

�Perception by others: Person is "independent,""giving,""happy," and has "high self-esteem."

�Both partners feel free and happy.

Summary of Choose to be Happy in Relationships Principles:

Tom G. Stevens PhD and Sherry Bene' Stevens MFT

* Love or friendship is a gift--for which I am grateful. No one owes me their love or liking--not even my parents or partner.

* Make yourself happy, before and during relationships. Depend on yourself to make you happy--not partner. Don't blame partner for your unhappiness. Don't expect partner to change to make you happy.

* Give (act) out of empathy and caring for partner--not out of obligation and rules. Causes resentment.

* Give to make your partner happy--what THEY want not what you THINK they should want. If in doubt, ASK.

* Give what you can afford to give, or you will resent the giving.

* Balance giving. Make partner responsible for own happiness, but be as giving as feel is healthy to keep both happy.

* Equality of control in decisions--overall 50-50. Seek "win-win" solutions.

* Good communication. Empathy, honesty, openness. No game playing. If problems, ASK partner how they want you to communicate.

* Give lots of LOVE MESSAGES-compliments, "I love yous "

* If you are upset about your partner:

>Examine your underlying expectations. Realistic? Zero baseline?

>Expect partner to make me happy instead of make self happy?

>Assume best intentions of partner.

>No zingers or attacking--no driving nails in coffin.

>First ask yourself what you can think or do to improve the situation.

>THEN discuss it with your partner--and ask what they want of you.

* Have fun (and some life) apart--especially for areas do not share common interests.

* Have fun and romance together. Plan interesting and fun activities together. Learn how to play and let your little boy and little girl play. Make time, energy, and money for fun and romance a high priority. Share many parts of yourself and your life together--be multidimensional.

Many external forces try to influence our decisions--
including many people we love and respect.
Many internal forces try to influence our decisions--
including many lower and higher desires.
If we are too influenced by external forces,
we risk lack of inner satisfaction and depression.
If we are too influenced by our own self-directed desires,
we risk social consequences and guilt.
Allowing the Higher Self to balance empathetic listening
to both internal with external messages, and
to give primary responsibility for meeting desires
to each individual
can resolve the internal--external control conflict.
We can attain internal control and "win-win" solutions
with happiness for both partners.

(From the book, You Can Choose To Be Happy: "Rise Above" Anxiety, Anger, and Depression (with Research Results) by Dr. Tom Stevens)