Independent Intimacy (Versus Obligation)--

A Basis for Relationship Happiness⁽¹⁾

Index

A model of relationship happiness contrasts underlying beliefs of "taking care of self" versus "taking care of others" as a primary affecting control dynamics and happiness in relationships. If partners each assume primary responsibility for their own emotions and happiness, then there is less need for coercion. Giving is done for its own sake (versus obligation), communication is more positive and intimate (since there is no need to coerce), decision-making is more equal, and each partner has more freedom and independence to meet their own individual needs and interests. When partners assume responsibility for each others' emotions, implications include (1) each has the right to interfere in their partner's affairs and (2) each must change their partner in order to be happy.

The Stevens Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ) was developed to test this model's assumptions. We designed scales measuring Assertive Conflict Resolution (ACR), Intimate Communication (Int), Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors (Rom), Equality (Eq), Independence (Ind), and Liberated Role Beliefs (Lib). The SRQ was administered to 83 subjects either (1) currently in sexually intimate relationships that had lasted for 1 year or more or (2) separated or divorced from a relationship which met the first criteria. Outcome/validity measures included Subjective Ratings--the Locke-Wallace Marital Satisfaction Questionnaire and direct ratings of happiness--and Behavioral Measures--sexual frequency, argument frequency, relationship longevity, and relationship status.

The results were promising. Significant correlations with the Locke-Wallace included ACR (r=.78), Int (r=.79), Rom (r=.53), Eq (r=.53) , and Ind (r=.24). Happiness ratings followed a similar pattern. Sexual frequency significantly correlated with ACR (r=.44), Int (r=.49), Rom (r=.44), and Eq (r=.26). Argument frequency significantly correlated with ACR (r= -.39) and Int (r= -.28). Results of an ANOVA of relationship status were also consistent with the model.

The model predicts that when people are understanding, genuinely caring, romantic, and want equality and independence, they tend to be happier, have more sex, have fewer arguments, and are more likely to stay together. The data generally support this model of relationship satisfaction.

After a long day at work, a husband cooks dinner and washes dishes for his wife and himself. How does he feel about it? Does he resent doing it, and do it only because his wife has been "nagging" him to do it? Does he dislike doing it, and do it because it is he thinks he "should" do it (and want to avoid feeling guilty if he doesn't do it)? In either case, he will not find doing the dishes a very satisfying activity, and may resent his wife a little more in the process (especially if she does not always do her "duties.") As resentment increases, feelings of intimacy (and intimate behaviors) are likely to decrease. As the husband feels and acts out his resentment, it may increase the likelihood that his wife will respond with less intimacy and more coercive behavior (to regain the lost intimacy). This cycle of increased resentment and decreased intimacy may continue.
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On the other hand, what if he really felt good about cooking dinner and doing the dishes? What if he chose to do the dishes for himself--not out of obligation to his wife? What if he chose it because he focused on his love of his wife and appreciation for her. What if he wanted to make it a gift to her and make fun to give her the gift? What if he also focused on cooking because he was hungry? What if when he chose to cook and do the dishes, he also accepted that it was his responsibility to make cooking and doing dishes fun. He assumed that if he didn't enjoy cooking and washing, that was his problem--not something to resent his wife for. If he cooked and washed out of these motives that were oriented more toward making himself happy--including feeling happy about giving a gift to his wife without expecting anything in return--then he would not feel any resentment toward his wife. He might even feel closer and more loving toward her as a result of this giving for its own sake.

We believe that little daily events of resentment or loving such as these accumulate to produce important long-term changes in how partners feel about each other. We also believe that acting out of perceived coercion and/or attributed obligation are major factors causing resentment.

If the husband perceives that he cooks and washes to meet his own needs or to meet a genuine love for his wife, then he enjoys his tasks more, feels little (if any) resentment, and is more likely to keep cooking and washing in the future--without any coercion from his wife. Since he would present his gift without resentment and with loving feelings, his wife would likely feel happy about receiving the gift and respond with increased intimacy--not resentment and coercion as before.

This type of giving sounds great in theory. However, when we suggest that people could have a marriage without doing anything out of obligation, most people's first response is to imagine that this type of marriage would never work. They are so used to doing things out of obligation, that they honestly believe that many of the behaviors necessary to maintain a relationship would not be performed.

We are not suggesting that certain behaviors are not important to maintain relationships, we are suggesting that the way people make their choices and think about doing these behaviors is critical to motivation and marital happiness.

More generally we are suggesting that if each partner believes that he or she--not the partner--is responsible for taking care of his or her own needs and happiness, then this belief greatly reduces the likelihood of coercive behavior. If both partners share this assumption and establish shared rules based upon this assumption, then they can lay the foundation for both high independence and high intimacy. We like to call this state "independent intimacy." An example of such a rule is that "Each partner is responsible for his or her own actions, use of time, and emotional reactions." "I will not assume that my partner is responsible for how I feel or for spending time with me. We are together only when we both want to be together." This is opposite the rule in many households that states, "We are together unless both agree that being apart is ok." In the former situation a spouse can go out with friends without permission. In the latter, permission must be granted. Each has veto power. The result may be feelings by one or both partners--especially of people with higher needs for independence--of being "trapped."
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We have applied this principle to our own relationship for over 12 years, and have applied it in clinical relationship counseling. Our experience has supported this model of relationships. For example, a very common complaint of our clients with relationship problems is that one of them is being too "needy," "dependent," or "smothering." Usually the person who is being too smothered is pulling away and trying to increase distance and personal freedom. Helping the "needy" client understand these dynamics and helping them develop a fundamental belief that he or she--not the partner--is responsible for his or her happiness almost always improves the relationship. Telling their partner of their new belief and acting on it almost always has immediate positive effects. In our experience it has saved many relationships that were about to end.

Our model of independent intimacy goes beyond basic beliefs in acting out of enlightened self-interest and love versus acting out of obligation (independence). It also includes the following factors: Beliefs, skills, and actions supporting
 overall equality of decision-making;  liberated roles that are relatively gender-free;  an assertive style (versus non-assertive or aggressive) for resolving conflicts (that is minimally coercive and high on empathy and mutual concern);  intimate communication involving high self-disclosure of especially positive feelings and very private events, but also of negative feelings and daily life events (empathy is also important); and  romantic themes supporting intimacy.
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Let's briefly look at each of these factors.

Independence. Bentler and Newcombe (1978) discovered fewer problems with independence or career conflicts with married couples than divorced ones in a longitudinal study. Fitzpatrick and Indvik (1982) found that only couples that were classified as independent (versus traditional or separate) had communication roles based upon personal preferences as opposed to those expected by their partners. Gottman (1979) found that nondistressed couples exhibited less reciprocity in their negative exchanges than distressed couples. McLaughlin, M; Cormier, L.. S.; Cormier, W. H. (1988) found that subjects in a high-marital-adjustment group had significantly lower levels of distress, employed a greater number of coping strategies, and reported greater frequency of use of coping strategies than subjects in the low-marital-adjustment group. Overall, there appears to be little direct research relating independence and autonomy to marital satisfaction.

Intimacy. Scheer and Snyder (1984) found that emotional distance significantly correlated with relationship dissatisfaction. Jorgenson and Gaudy (1980), in a study of 120 married couples, found that both disclosure perceived and given were significantly (positively) related to marital satisfaction. Sprecher (1987) found that self-disclosure of affection given and perceived predicted (positively) couples remaining together over a four year period. Other studies have found similar results.

Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors. There have been a number of studies linking variables such as attractiveness, thoughts about ones' partner, and mutual affection with marital satisfaction and longevity. However, we could not find one that was highly similar to our own scale (see below).

Assertive Conflict Resolution and Communication. A number of studies have linked general variables of relationship communication with relationship satisfaction and longevity. Scheer and Snyder (1984) found that communication problem-solving skills and empathy positively related to marital satisfaction. Jacobson (1977) found that teaching couples problem-solving communication skills increased marital satisfaction (as measured by the Locke-Wallace Adjustment Scale). Markman (1981) found that a measure of premarital couples' communication skills correlated .59 with relationship satisfaction 5 1/2 years later.

Jacobson (1984) compared three behavioral marital treatments of distressed couples with a wait-list control. Graduate student therapists gave 12-16 sessions. While all treatment groups improved at post-test (wait-list did not), only the groups receiving communication training continued to improve as measured by the six-month follow-up. The other groups deteriorated. Billings (1979) found that distressed couples engaged in more reciprocal negative communication than non-distressed couples during conflict-resolution tasks.

Equality of Decision-Making. Bentler and Newcomb (1978) and Cattel and Nestleroade (1967) were among a number of researchers who found that persons more similar on scales measuring equality were more happily married. Grey-Little and Burkes (1983) reviewed the literature and found that couples that were more egalitarian tended to have higher relationship satisfaction.

Liberated Beliefs of Sexual Roles. Frank, Anderson, and Rubinstein (1979) found that discrepancy between individual ideal and actual behavior (role strain) was correlated with higher relationship dissatisfaction. Scheer and Snyder (1984) found that liberated role beliefs correlated with a belief that the spouse is willing to compromise. White (1981) found that jealousy was positively related to traditional sex-role beliefs. These studies illustrate a possible relationship between liberated role beliefs and marital satisfaction, but much more research is needed.
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SRQ Questionnaire scales

The items for the SRQ were created from the following sources: current and previous literature reviews related to each individual scale; personal experience in our own relationship (an exceptionally happy one); clinical experience in individual and relationship counseling with persons experiencing relationship problems; and workshop materials from a series of workshops on communication, conflict-resolution, assertiveness training, and the Robert Carkhuff-based HRD model. The SRQ may be found in Appendix A.

The SRQ was designed to be face valid. No attempt was made to prevent faking or compensate for a social desirability effect. This test was designed for persons who are motivated to take the test honestly--it is of little value clinically for others.

Independence=I. This is a 20-item scale measuring freedom of both partners to make decisions and pursue individual interests and personal growth.

Intimacy=N. This is a 12-item scale concerning perceived communication of feelings, self-disclosure, likes and dislikes, and ideas concerning respect, commitment, and common goals.

Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors=R. This is a 7-item scale including items such as attraction, fantasizing, and special favors.

Assertive Conflict Resolution and Communication =A. This is a 23-item scale measuring the use of positive, supportive, direct, and empathetic statements during discussions related to various levels of problem resolution. Assertive as opposed to non-assertive or aggressive responses are scored higher.

Equality of Decision-Making=E. This is a 4-item scale measuring how equal the two partners perceive their decision-making to be.

Liberated Beliefs of Sexual Roles=L. This is a 6-item scale measuring non-traditional "liberated", egalitarian beliefs regarding male and female roles within the context of an intimate relationship. It does not include equality of decision-making or communication styles. It focuses upon lack of role specialization.
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Relationship Endurance. This is defined as the length of time of an intimate sexual relationship.

Relationship Status. This is defined as an intimate sexual relationship in which both partners are either currently involved with the target partner or not.

Locke-Wallace Marital Adjustment Test. The Locke-Wallace is a 15-item, self-report index of marital adjustment. It is a multiple-choice inventory derived from the fundamental items of six marital adjustment tests used prior to 1959. It has been widely used as a measure of marital satisfaction in research on relationships. Bentler (1978), Edinger and Patterson (1983), Jacobson (1977, 1978), Markman (1979), and Margolin and Weiss (1978) are a few of the researchers using Locke-Wallace in their journal articles. The possible scores range from 2 to 158. Of the well-adjusted group tested in the original validation study, 96% achieved scores of 100 or more.

The introductory statement of the Marital Relationship Inventory was revised so that it would read appropriately for unmarried couples The use of the word "partner" in place of "spouse" and "couples" instead of marital relationship.
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The SRQ Scales and Relationship Satisfaction and Behaviors

Pearson product-moment correlation coefficients were computed from the responses of 83 volunteer male and female college students who took the Stevens Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ). The purpose of the study was to determine if the following variables were related to relationship satisfaction and endurance: independence, intimacy, romantic attitudes and behavior, equality of decision making. Relationship satisfaction global measures were questions 71 and 72 of the SRQ and were stated as follows:

71. Overall, I have an extremely happy relationship with my partner.
72. Overall, I am extremely satisfied with my relationship with my partner,

Choices to each question ranged from 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree).

Scores on the six scales were correlated with behavioral measures of relationship adjustment, measured by questions 73 and 74 on the SRQ:

73. My partner and I have sexual intercourse:
74. My partner and I have arguments for at least several minutes.

Choices to both questions were as follows:
a. At least 5 times or more per week.
b. At least 3-4 times per week.
c. At least 1-2 times per week.
d. At least 1-3 times per month.
e. Less than once per month.

The scores on the scales were also correlated to scores obtained from the Locke-Wallace Marital Test. See Table I for Intercorrelations between the SRQ scales and Relation Satisfaction criteria.

Independence Scale

Scores on the Independence scale correlated significantly with the Locke-Wallace (r[83] = .24, p < .05), (See Table 1.) The Independence scale was correlated to the global satisfaction rating items from the SRQ, questions numbers 71 and 72. For item 71, "overall happiness" (r[83] = .18, p < .05), for item 72, "overall satisfaction" (r[83] = .19, p < .05). (See Table 1.) Frequency of sexual relations (item 73) did not correlate significantly (r[82] = . 03) with the Independence scale, nor did frequency of arguments (item 74) (r[75] = .00, n.s.). (See Table 2.)

Scores on the Independence scale did correlate significantly with relationship endurance (item 107), but in the opposite direction than expected (r[83] =-.21, p < .05). Overall, the Independence scale presented a mixed picture. It correlated significantly with the satisfaction criteria, not significantly with behavioral items, and negatively with the endurance item.
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Intimacy Scale

Scores on the Intimacy scale correlated significantly with scores on the Locke-Wallace (r[83] =.79, p < .OO1), "overall happiness" (r[831 = .65, p <.001), and "overall satisfaction" (r[83] = .66, p < .001). (See Table 1.)

Frequency of sexual relations correlated significantly with scores on the Intimacy scale (r[82] = .489, p < .001). Number of arguments (item 74) showed a significant negative correlation (r[75] = -.28, p < .01) with scores on the Intimacy scale. (See Table 2.) Scores on the Intimacy scale did correlate significantly with relationship endurance (item 107), but in the opposite direction than expected (r[83] = -.22, p < .05).

Overall, the Intimacy scale had moderately high correlations with the criteria, and presented clear support for the research hypotheses, with the exception of relationship endurance criteria.

Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors Scale

Scores on the Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors scale correlated significantly with scores on the Locke-Wallace (r[83] =.53, p < .001). Scores on the Romantic Attitude and Behavior scale were significantly correlated with "overall happiness " (r[83] = .47, p < .001) and "overall satisfaction" (r[83] =.43, p < .001). (See Table 1.) Frequency of sexual relations correlated .44 (p < .001) with scores on Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors, whereas frequency of arguments showed no significant relationship with scores on this scale. Scores on the Romantic Attitudes and behaviors scale did correlate significantly with relationship endurance (item 107), but in the opposite direction than expected (r[831 = -.46, p < .001). (See Table 2.)

Overall, the scores on the Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors scale had moderately high correlations with the criteria, and were supportive of the research hypotheses with the exception of relationship endurance.
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Assertive Conflict Resolution Scale

Scores on the Assertive Conflict Resolution scale did correlate significantly with scores on the Locke-Wallace (r[83' = .78, p , .001). Scores on the Assertive Conflict Resolution scale were significantly correlated with "overall happiness" (r[83] = .61, p < .OO1) and with "overall satisfaction" (r[83] = .61, p < .001). (See Table 1. ) Frequency of sexual relations correlated significantly (r[82] = .44, p < .001) with scores on the Assertive Conflict Resolution scale, as did frequency of arguments (r[75] = -.39, p < .001). Scores on the Assertive Conflict Resolution scale did correlate significantly with relationship endurance (item 107), but in the opposite direction than expected ( r[83] = -. 23, p < .05)- (See Table 2.)

Overall, the Assertive Conflict Resolution scale had moderately high correlations with the criteria, and was highly supportive of the research hypotheses, with the exception of relationship endurance.

Liberated Role Beliefs Scale

Scores on the Liberated Role Beliefs scale did not correlate significantly with the scores on the Locke-Wallace (r[83] = .17, p > .05). Scores on the Liberated Role Beliefs scale was significantly correlated to "overall happiness" (r[83] = .22, p < ,05) and "overall satisfaction" (r[83] = .22, p < .05). (See Table 1.) Neither frequency of sexual relations nor frequency of arguments correlated significantly with scores on the Liberated Role Beliefs scale. (See Table 2.) Scores on the scale correlated significantly with relationship endurance, but in the opposite direction than expected (r[83] = -.20, p < .05).

Overall, The Liberated Role Beliefs scale had low correlations with the criterion items, but did support some of the research hypotheses. It did correlate with some satisfaction criteria, but not behavioral items, and correlated negatively with the endurance item.
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Equality of Decision Making Scale

Scores on the Equality of Decision Making scale did (r[83] =.53, p < .001). Scores on the Equality of Decision Making scale were significantly correlated with "overall happiness" (r[83] = . 44, p < .001 ) and with "overall satisfaction" (r[83] = .43, p < .001) , (See Table 1.) Frequency of sexual relations was correlated significantly with scores on the Equality of Decision Making scale (r[82] = .26, p < .01). No significant relationship was found between scores on the Equality of Decision Making scale and frequency of arguments. Scores on the Equality of Decision Making scale did correlate significantly with relationship endurance (item 107) , but in the opposite direction than expected (r[83] = -.19, p < .05). (See Table 2.)

Overall, the Equality of Decision Making scale had significant correlations with the criteria, except for the endurance item.
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The purpose of this study was to investigate the relationship between the six scales on the Stevens-Snyder Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ) and measures of relationship satisfaction and endurance. The study consisted of 83 volunteers attending California State University, Long Beach, who had been in a relationship for a minimum of one year. Each subject was given the SRQ and the Locke-Wallace Marital Adjustment Test. The Locke-Wallace Marital Adjustment Test correlated significantly (in a positive direction) with all of the scales except Liberated Role Beliefs. Self-reported frequencies of sex and (fewer) arguments significantly related to scores on four of the SRQ scales. Scores on the Independence and Liberated Role did not meet predicted relationships to the behavioral frequencies. All of the scales significantly correlated to global measures of relationships satisfaction and happiness.

The one type of measure which did not relate as predicted to the SRQ was relationship endurance. All of the scales correlated negatively with endurance. However, there is a possible explanation for this negative result. Many of the couples in shorter relationships in the study were previously married or in previous long-term relationships. It could be that the newer relationships in general were ones with better communication patterns and other desirable characteristics. For example, scores on the Locke-Wallace also had a correlation of -.13 with relationship endurance (although it was not significant). The global happiness items were also not related to endurance.

The ANOVA performed on the relationship status of the subjects sheds further light on this issue. Relationships were classified as Married, Involved, or Separated/divorced. There were significant main effects on all SRQ variables except independence (which might be artificially high for separated/divorced people anyway). The interesting parallel to the endurance measure is that the means for Involved subjects were higher than means for Married subjects on several SRQ scales. Consistent with predictions, the means on both Involved and Married groups tended to be higher than for Separated/divorced subjects.

To measure reliability within the scales of the SRQ, the Cronbach alpha was calculated. Four scales with moderately high reliability were Intimacy (.81), Romantic Attitudes and Behavior (.71), Assertive Conflict Resolution (.86), and the Liberated Role Beliefs (.79). Equality of Decision-Making, which had only four items, and Independence had low reliabilities (.06 and .26 respectively). It appears that adding items to the former and eliminating items in the 16-item Independence scale might improve their alphas. In short, because of reliability problems there must be some doubt about the results in which these scales were involved.

Overall the SRQ appears to be a promising instrument for marital satisfaction criteria, both subjective measures of satisfaction and self-reported behavioral frequency measures of sexual intercourse and frequency of arguments. The Intimacy and Assertive Conflict Resolution scales were particularly promising. Their high intercorrelations indicated either a high degree of overlap in what they measure, or two highly correlated underlying relationship behavior sets.

One possible explanation of the high correlations between scores on the Locke-Wallace and these two scales would be that the items were similar. However, in fact the Locke-Wallace items were global relationship satisfaction items, while the two SRQ scales tended to be much more specifically related to the behaviors of interest.

The Romantic Attitudes and Behaviors scale had a moderately high correlation with attraction and sexual behavior, but also was promising in other areas. Even the short 4-item Equality of Decision-Making scale had a moderately high correlation with attraction and sexual behavior.

Liberated Role Beliefs seemed interesting, but was not as good a predictor of relationship satisfaction. We purposely separated issues of equality of decision-making and communication from the concept of liberated roles. That left only items related to the types of roles, especially lack of gender-specific specialized roles. It appears that decision-making equality and good communication are much better predictors of relationship satisfaction than are the nature of the roles per se.

The Independence scale was the only one not to correlate with satisfaction, and to have a low alpha reliability. One possible explanation of why the Independence scale did not correlate higher with relationship satisfaction is the likelihood that a subgroup of people in unhappy relationships became more independent in order to escape being with their partner. On the Locke-Wallace there is an item that asks if one would recommit to the same person, given the opportunity to start over again. The Independence scale correlated ,30 with that item. (Correlations with other scales ranged from .23 for Liberated Role Beliefs to .34 with Assertive Conflict Resolution and .50 with Intimacy.) This may be some indication that people really do value independence in a relationship.

One important issue that we did not investigate was the relationship between the overall personal happiness of the individual in a relationship. That is a different criteria than satisfaction with the other partner or the relationship as a whole. Individual growth and happiness of each partner should be investigated in its own right as a criteria separate from relationship criteria.

Further research on the validity of each individual scale to see if it measures what it suggests by its description is also needed. For example, does the intimacy scale really measure intimacy. That would probably require a series of studies. Our own face validity approach came from our own personal and clinical experience with hundreds of clients dealing with relationship issues. Whatever the Intimacy and Assertive Conflict Resolution Scale measure, they do seem to measure something about communication and seem to be good predictors of relationship happiness.

Our original notion is that taking care of one's own needs and happiness (as opposed to expecting one's partner to take care of them) and giving out of empathy and love (as opposed to obligation) sets the stage for improved empathy, caring, personal freedom, and happiness (as opposed to obligation, guilty, and resentment). We believe that these research results generally support the effectiveness of relationships based upon independent intimacy.
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NOTE:  The original SRQ has been incorporated as the relationship scales in the newer, much more comprehensive questionnaire, The Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ).  To complete all or part of SHAQ, go to http:\\www.csulb.edu\~tstevens\success.
 

1. Brief version of paper presented at Western Psychological Association March 31, 1995.