You Can


Choose To Be Happy:



“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression



with Research Evidence



Tom G. Stevens PhD








 Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co.














“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression

With Research Evidence


Tom G. Stevens PhD



Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co.

Palm Desert, California 92260


Revised (Second) Edition, 2010

First Edition, 1998; Printings, 2000, 2002.


Copyright © 2010 by Tom G. Stevens PhD.  All rights reserved. 


Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews; or except as provided by U. S. copyright law.  For more information address Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co.

      The cases mentioned herein are real, but key details were changed to protect identity.  This book provides general information about complex issues and is not a substitute for professional help. Anyone needing help for serious problems should see a qualified professional.

      Printed on acid-free paper.



Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication Data


Stevens, Tom G., Ph.D. 1942-

You can choose to be happy: rise above anxiety, anger, and depression./  Tom G. Stevens Ph.D. –2nd ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN  978-0-9653377-2-4


1. Happiness. 2. Self-actualization (Psychology)   I. Title. 


BF575.H27 S84 2010 (pbk.)



Library of Congress Control Number:  2009943621



INTRODUCTION:...................................................................................................................... 8


MY OWN QUEST FOR HAPPINESS........................................................................................ 13

MASLOW'S CLASSIC STUDY OF SELF-ACTUALIZING PEOPLE........................................... 14

MASLOW'S METAVALUES (or "Being" values)......................................................................... 16

MOVING TO HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS AND GROUPS........................................... 17



WHAT’S WRONG WITH MAKING HAPPINESS A TOP GOAL?........................................... 21

A NEW UNDERSTANDING FOR SOME COMMON TERMS............................................... 26

LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF................................... 28

SEEKING THE TRUTH FROM MANY PERSPECTIVES............................................................ 28

RESULTS OF RESEARCH TESTING THIS BOOK’S IDEAS...................................................... 29

CHOOSE TO LEARN AND BE HAPPY WHILE READING THIS BOOK................................ 31

THE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY SELF-DEVELOPMENT PLAN............................... 32

Chapter 2: WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY:................................................... 36

DO YOUR EMOTIONS SEEM TO HAVE A "MIND OF THEIR OWN"?................................ 36

WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NOW............................................................................... 36



WE HAVE MANY ROUTES TO HAPPINESS--We are never helpless.................................... 40

EXTERNAL ROUTES TO HAPPINESS...................................................................................... 41

INTERNAL ROUTES TO HAPPINESS...................................................................................... 43

LIFE AS A JOURNEY WITH MANY ROUTES TO HAPPINESS................................................ 45

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AS GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES..................................................... 45

HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING AND HAPPINESS.............................................................. 46

SELF-EXPLORATION AND PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS....................................................... 48


Chapter 3: DEVELOP YOUR HIGHER SELF:....................................................... 63



REASON AND EMOTION AS DECISION GUIDES................................................................. 65

GIVING OUT OF UNSELFISH CARING INSTEAD OF OBLIGATION................................... 68


UNPRODUCTIVE BELIEF SYSTEMS--They devalue health and happiness......................... 71


LIFE AND BODY AFFIRMING BELIEFS--How do we know what to believe?...................... 73

ELEGANT BELIEFS--BOTH COMPREHENSIVE AND SIMPLE............................................... 74

AN INNER GROWING FORCE................................................................................................ 77



THE SOURCE OF MY NEW IDENTITY.................................................................................... 82

SELF-ACTUALIZATION--THE RESULT OF A STRONG HIGHER SELF.................................. 83






OUR IDEAL WORLD versus REALITY: How can we be happy in an imperfect world?..... 97

THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF REACTIONS.................................................................. 97

ACCEPTING THE "UNACCEPTABLE"--Such as Pain, Cruelty, and Death............................ 98




TURNING THE TIDE OF THOUSANDS OF THOUGHTS.................................................. 112


OUR SELF VIEWS HAVE POWER (including their own inertia)......................................... 115

WHAT IS SELF-WORTH?....................................................................................................... 118

HOW DO WE GET UNCONDITIONAL SELF-LOVE?......................................................... 118

LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF................................. 120

WHAT DOES "SELF-IMAGE" MEAN?..................................................................................... 120




A PROCESS FOR ACCEPTING YOUR BODY AND APPEARANCE..................................... 122




OUR SELF-CONCEPT AFFECTS OUR SELF-CONFIDENCE............................................... 137

DEALING WITH PAST "FAILURES"--and low self-confidence............................................. 138

SELF-CONFIDENCE AND LIFE SKILLS.................................................................................. 139


SELF-CONFIDENCE AND LIFE SKILLS RESEARCH—AREA BY AREA................................. 142

ADDITIONAL FACTORS THAT INCREASE SELF-CONFIDENCE........................................ 143



WHAT DO THEY  WANT versus WHAT DO YOU WANT.................................................. 148

APPROVAL AS A "MUST" versus APPROVAL AS A "BONUS"............................................... 148


TRYING TO BE POPULAR versus  TAKING GOOD CARE.................................................. 153



LETTING NEEDY OTHERS DOMINATE YOU...................................................................... 156


"I SHOULD" versus "I WANT"................................................................................................. 161

SOURCES OF DEPENDENCY AND EXTERNAL CONTROL................................................ 162


SOCIETY AND THE MEDIA.................................................................................................... 164

REFERENCE GROUPS............................................................................................................ 164

BELIEFS SWALLOWED WHOLE (without critical examination and modification)......... 166


SOURCES OF INTERNAL CONTROL .................................................................................. 167

YOUR BASIC PSYCHOBIOLOGICAL NEEDS........................................................................ 167

YOUR HIGHER SELF............................................................................................................... 168

YOUR OTHER SUBPARTS (roles, interests, knowledge areas, etc.).................................... 169

SUMMARY OF INTERNAL BARRIERS TO INTERNAL CONTROL...................................... 169

COPE WITH INTERNALIZED PARENT CONTROL STATEMENTS..................................... 171




BECOME AWARE OF AUTOMATIC NONASSERTIVENESS................................................ 174




SPEND YOUR TIME IN HEALTHY SOCIAL ENVIRONMENTS............................................ 178

SET BOUNDARIES OF RESPONSIBILITY AND CONTROL................................................. 179

............................................................. 181

PEAK FUNCTIONING OF OUR MIND AND BODY............................................................ 181

OVERSTIMULATION— Too much challenge causes confusion and anxiety.................. 183

UNDERSTIMULATION— Too little challenge causes boredom and depression............. 183


1. OPTIMAL LEARNING AS THE BASIS OF HAPPINESS--Dr. George Kelly...................... 184



4. ADAPTIVE RESONANCE IN NEURAL NETWORKS--Dr. Stephen Grossberg................ 187

HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING DRIVES LIKING UP......................................................... 189





HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING INCREASES VALUING..................................................... 200


Chapter 8: "RISE ABOVE" ANXIETY, ANGER, AND DEPRESSION....................... 201

THE MAGIC OF MENTAL CONTROL.................................................................................. 201

Mental Control Strategy 1:  CHOICE of Episode: Replace it or Convert it?..................... 204


REPLACE ACTIVITIES TO GET MORE IN THE ZONE........................................................... 205

CONVERT ACTIVITIES TO GET MORE IN THE ZONE........................................................ 206

Mental Control Strategy 2: HARMONY of Motives: Resolve conflicts to increase motivation    209

HARMONIOUS POSITIVE ANTICIPATION: Looking forward to the activity or outcome 210

HARMONIOUS MOTIVATION versus CONFLICTED MOTIVATION................................. 210



REPLACE "SHOULDS" WITH NEW CHOICES...................................................................... 212

USE POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES TO INCREASE MOTIVATION....................................... 213

Mental Control Strategy 3:UNDERSTANDING:................................................................. 215


A ROAD MAP TO SUCCESS--How do we get what we want?.......................................... 216



UNDERSTANDING AT A HIGHER LEVEL--A MENTAL SAFETY NET................................... 219

Mental Control Strategy 4:GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS.......................................... 221


ADJUST CHALLENGE OF THE GOAL TO GET INTO THE ZONE...................................... 223

ADJUST THE LAPDS GOAL DIMENSIONS TO ADJUST AROUSAL................................... 225


MULTIPLE GOALS: Go for the Gold--be prepared for the worst...................................... 232


FACTORS THAT PREDISPOSE SOMEONE TO DEPRESSION............................................ 234

SUMMARY--increase emotional arousal by increasing challenge and complexity.......... 238

Mental Control Strategy 5: OPTIMISM--You can be happy no matter what happens.... 240

OPTIMISM BASED UPON OUR CONTROL OF OUTCOMES.......................................... 240


Mental Control Strategy 6: FOCUS--Keep your eye on the ball to funnel your energy 244

PROBLEM-FOCUS versus SOLUTION-FOCUS................................................................... 244

FOCUSING ON THE BALL CAN HELP US OVERCOME ANXIETY.................................... 245


YOU CAN ACHIEVE MENTAL CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS ................................... 248


FEELING IN CONTROL OF OUR LIVES versus FEELING HELPLESS.................................. 253


AUTOMATIC HABITS--Habits consume most of our time................................................. 254

BALANCE BETWEEN PARTS OF OURSELVES...................................................................... 256



VALUES TEND TO LAST, BUT CAN BE CHANGED RADICALLY......................................... 259

WE LIVE IN UNIQUE PERSONAL WORLDS........................................................................ 261

YOU CAN CHOOSE TO MAXIMIZE YOUR HEALTH.......................................................... 262

CREATING A BETTER WORLD AS A GIFT OF LOVE--and a message to ourselves........... 265

ACHIEVING EXCELLENCE CYCLE--Achieving distant dreams and goals.......................... 265

IT PAYS TO WORK TOWARD HIGH-RISK GOALS: We are part of a larger process....... 268

THE O-PATSM SYSTEM: From Dreams and Values to Actions........................................... 269

THE VALUES-EMOTIONS LINK: Get control of values to get control of emotions........... 270

O-PATSM BRIDGES THE GAP BETWEEN VALUES AND ACTION .................................... 270

O-PATSM:-STEP-BY-STEP .................................................................................................... 271

YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH MORE AND HAVE MORE FUN!............................................... 277

HURRY SICKNESS--TOO MUCH TO DO, TOO LITTLE TIME........................................... 278

    RESEARCH and BOOK CONCLUSIONS: A Formula for Happiness
.............. 282


Appendices  and Bibliography

Index of SHAQ Research Results                                      290

Appendix A: THE CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY CHECKLIST                     291

Appendix B: OVERCOME ANGER AND AGGRESSION                     297

Appendix C: THE RUNAWAY EMOTIONS CYCLE                         306

Appendix D: NEGATIVE COGNITIVE STYLES                             308


Appendix F: Demographic Factors and Outcomes                         315

Brief Bibliography                                                   316        

Index of Boxes, Tables, and Figures                                     321        

Biographical Sketch of the Author                                       322

Back Cover


Dr. Stevens' Website URL is http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens










Charlotte May Stevens--

my mother.

 She raised Ron and I alone, loved me unconditionally,

and was always supportive of me and my efforts. 

She taught me that honesty and integrity are more important

than what anyone thinks of me or any kind of worldly success.




Sherry Bene’ Stevens--

my wife 

She is the love of my life--my soul mate. 

She is the sunshine and the music in my life.

She is more than I ever thought

I would be lucky enough to have in my life







and find your Happiness Quotient (HQ)


I suggest you take my

Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ)

(free) on my website at http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens.

You can save complete results on all scales and items.


SHAQ is designed to go hand-in-hand with this book to provide the best possible

self-development experience. Your results may be more accurate and

 you may learn more if you take SHAQ before reading this book.

Compare your SHAQ results to what you read in each chapter. 

SHAQ research results from the first 3400 users are included in each chapter.

Users rated the interest and usefulness of SHAQ an average of 6.1 out of a possible 7.0.






   It may be for you if you answer "yes" to any of the following questions:

 Do you want to discover the causes of happiness and unhappiness?

 Would you like to learn how to achieve mental control over emotions such as anxiety, anger, guilt, and depression?

 Would you like to develop greater self-esteem?

 Do you want a more positive, but realistic, view of the world?

 Do you worry too much about pleasing others or gaining approval?

 Are you too dependent on others for your happiness?

 Would you like to get more internal control of your life or become more persuasive, diplomatic, and assertive?

 Are you too codependent (take too much responsibility for others)?

 Do you want to improve your ability to motivate yourself, achieve your goals, and have a greater impact on the world?

 Would you like to feel less stress and make your time more productive?

 Would you like to be more self-actualized? (Be more like one of Maslow's self-actualizing people, who were extremely happy and productive)?

 Do you want to maximize your happiness and your gift to others’ happiness?


Learn how to be happy--in any situation. What if you could be a little happier the rest of your life as a result of reading one book? Would you read it? I cannot promise that result, but I expect that reading this book will make a lasting difference in your happiness. I believe that you will learn at least a few new secrets about how to control your emotions and how to be happy--even if you are already very happy and an expert in the field.


Learn how to become more self-actualized. Dr. Abraham Maslow's concept of self-actualization is still one of the best descriptions of the healthy personality. Self-actualizing people are both extremely happy and productive. No matter what your background and personal history is, you can learn the basic beliefs and life skills it takes to be happy and more self-actualized.


Learn both internal and external routes to happiness. I emphasize internal routes to happiness--changing our thinking to get more mental control over our emotions and life. But practical actions that have powerful impact on other people, our careers, and every part of our lives are also emphasized.   After reading this book, you may never view yourself quite the same again. You can gain a deeper understanding of how your mental processes work. You can view yourself as more interesting and worthy of your love and respect than before you read it.


Changes in your "Higher Self" can have dramatic effects on your self-esteem and life. Your Higher Self is not a mysterious entity, but your inner center of love and motivational power. The Higher Self is a belief system that begins when we are infants. A developed Higher Self incorporates beliefs reflecting the wisdom of the ages. It is a conductor that brings harmony to inner conflicts. It is a fountain of personal self-integration and spontaneity.



Core beliefs, values, and life skills make the difference between happiness and unhappiness. The first thing I did before  writing this book was to list the key beliefs and life skills for creating a happy life and becoming like Maslow's self-actualizing persons. My reading, clinical and personal experience, and my research with my Life Skills Questionnaire on over 4000 people and my recent research with The Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ) on 3400 more have helped me identify those key beliefs and life skills. They form the heart of this book.


Get mental control over harmonious functioning. Harmonious functioning is a state we can all achieve which is similar to what Maslow called "peak experience" or Csikszentmihalyi called "flow.” It is a more optimal state of being in which all of the cells in the mind and body seem to be functioning in harmony. The result is maximum learning, performance, and happiness. Understanding the causes of harmonious functioning can help you attain these natural highs.


Adjust your emotions like adjusting a thermostat. Learn the six CHUG-OF Harmonious Thinking strategies to get mental control over your emotions. When you are emotionally "too hot"--in overarousal states like anger and anxiety, you can turn down the thermostat to gain peace and calmness. When you are emotionally "too cold"--in underarousal states like boredom and depression, you can turn up the heat to get more energy and enthusiasm. Learn to spend more of your life "in the zone" of harmonious functioning.


Improve relationships--Overcome dependency, nonassertiveness, and external control. Another important ingredient of happiness is our personal relationships--especially intimate ones. Are you dominating or being dominated? How often do you do something for another person out of duty, obligation, because you "should," or out of guilt? How much freedom do you feel? How much closeness and intimacy? Have you achieved "independent intimacy?"

My wife Sherry and I rarely do anything for each other out of obligation. We almost always do whatever we do because we genuinely want to. You can eliminate most of the obligation from your relationships, but you may need a new way of thinking. You may also need to learn better communication methods. Try the methods in this book that have worked for us and our clients. The result is a mutual feeling of freedom, love, and intimacy.


Evidence for my conclusions comes from my and others’ research results, psychotherapy with several thousand clients, and my own personal experiences. My clients entered therapy with diverse problems, backgrounds, and ethnic origins. I live my life according to the principles in this book. I frequently refer to my own and my clients' experiences to aid in your search for happiness and self-actualization. My extensive research on several thousand people was designed to test the ideas in this book. The research results strongly support these ideas—as you will be able to see for yourself in the summaries I have provided in this revised edition.


This is a comprehensive, advanced self-help book. It can be read, understood, and used successfully by almost anyone. I designed it for the type of people that I see most often in my classes, workshops, and psychotherapy. Many have already read one or more self-help books or have had previous counseling. Many are in recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, or other problems. However, people ranging from 19-year-old freshmen to PhD psychologists have said that it was personally beneficial to them.

 My primary goal is that by reading this book you will be a happier, more productive person. If you are happier, you will radiate that happiness to others as well. A secondary goal is for you to say (as others have) that this is the best book you have found to help you learn how to be happy and self-actualized.



Too many people have contributed to my knowledge and indirectly to this book to mention. My first mentor was Charlotte May Stevens, my mother. My second mentor was Dr. W. McFerrin Stowe, an extraordinary Methodist minister, who was loved by the 10,000 members of his church for his great insights into life and his great preaching. He helped me get started.

At both the University of Oklahoma and Claremont School of Theology, I had a number of professors who were especially influential and beneficial to me. They introduced me to some of the great thinkers of our time--such as Drs. Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, George Kelly, R. B. Cattell, Paul Tillich, Teihard de Chardin, and others whose ideas are reflected in this book.

From my doctoral program in psychology at the University of Hawaii, I am especially grateful to Dr. Art Staats, my dissertation chair, and Dr. Roland Tharp for their knowledge and help. Both contributed to major advances in the field of psychology and both helped give me a foundation in cognitive-based human learning theory that even today is a fundamental part of my thinking and of this book.

In the years since my formal education, I have actively pursued new ideas in the field of psychology. Cognitive science and artificial intelligence have become a special interest in recent years. In those fields I have been influenced by the writings of Dr. John Anderson of Carnegie-Melon and Dr. Art Grossberg of Boston University--among many others. Self-help writers--especially Dr. Wayne Dyer--have also influenced my ideas.

To my many friends and family members who have given me so much over my lifetime–especially Jane Stevens and Ron Stevens–thank you.

To Bobbe Browning, a wonderful friend, who spent many hours editing the final manuscript and finding many wording problems I could not see, I give a special thanks for your work as well as your friendship.

My wife, Sherry, who is a university counselor and therapist, has been a special inspiration, and has been my close collaborator and editor. Since we met, my own thinking has continued to develop through our interactions. In our relationship, we both started with ideas similar to those in this book, but needed time to "work out the details." The results have been wonderful! When we meet a difficult situation that upsets us--either alone or together--we can use our key phrase that we need to "rise above" the situation. We "rise above" it by thinking of the situation from a higher perspective (see Chapter 8). She is a constant joy and inspiration to me.

We are grateful for our children, Tracie, Spencer, and Tim; their spouses David, Christin, and Trina; and our grandchildren Savannah, Spencer, and Sean; Roxy and Charley; and Aubrey and James. All seem happy and we are proud of them.

I also want to thank the hundreds of my clients who have shared some of their innermost secrets and parts of themselves with me. They have allowed me to know them at a depth few others ever see. My clients have helped me learn that there are "secrets of happiness and success" that seem to work for most people--even those with very different backgrounds and personalities.

These many people have given their enriching gifts of knowledge to me. My gift is to pass it on to you, and I hope this gift brings you as much happiness as it has me. I wish you a life filled with happiness.



Note for Revised Edition

I want to thank the many readers who have sent me emails after reading my first edition. A few reader comments include:

"The book is a terrific combination of scholarship, superb information, and spirituality."

●”I have read your book and it was very helpful to me. You cannot even imagine how it changed my life. My life was lonely and now I have many good friends.”

●”I have just read your book, "You can choose to be happy.” Already I am more at peace and will never be the same again.”

●”Dr. Stevens, just wanted to let you know that I have found your book to be such an inspiration to me.”

●”From reading your book, day by day, I try to understand and instill in myself the lessons on the CHOICE of being happy. You've done a wonderful job, and I thank you for writing this easy to read book and for helping me through rough times.”

●”I have only been following your book’s advice for a few weeks but I have already noticed a great difference in my level of happiness.”

●”I am taking my Masters in Counseling. Your book is a very wonderful book. There are a lot of books on happiness but yours is a comprehensive one. Thank you very much for giving me such beautiful ideas.”

●”I have been so unhappy, angry, anxious, and insecure for too long! You gave me the greatest idea I ever heard-- to make happiness (for myself and others) my ultimate goal in life.”

●”I was trying very hard to be happy for decades, but I couldn’t. New problems come to the surface when I solve the old ones…I read your book about happiness and I found it what I wanted for years.”

Several hundred thousand people have read my book or visited my websites (http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens). These websites contain hundreds of pages of free self-help information and my Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ). SHAQ is free, and was designed to test in detail the ideas in this book. SHAQ measures personal attributes such as self-worth, self-confidence, world view, internal control, core beliefs and values, emotional coping, self-management, and assertiveness discussed in this book. SHAQ also measures other factors important for success and happiness in relationships, careers, and academic pursuits. 

I collected a great deal of research data with SHAQ. This data provides strong support for both the utility of SHAQ and the validity of ideas in this book. This book revision will summarize some of these research results. Most SHAQ research results are put into boxes you can easily omit if you prefer not to read them. However, even if you don’t read the data, you can be assured that my recommendations are supported by the research data, and I hope that the data will give you more confidence in trying these ideas. As far as I know, this is the only self-help book that has tested so many of its specific ideas so thoroughly and found such positive results. Visit my website to see the full SHAQ research article or to complete SHAQ (free).

I hope this book will help you make yourself and the world a little happier. That is my main goal and reward for writing it.


Tom G. Stevens PhD                                                                                    January, 2010












Happiness, then, is at once the best and noblest

and pleasantest thing in the world. . .

we always choose it for itself and never for the sake of something else.

(Aristotle, Ethics)


Happiness is an emotion that includes many shades--from peace and tranquility to joy and ecstasy Unhappiness includes all negative emotions--from depression, apathy, and sadness to anxiety, guilt, and anger. These negative emotions are commonly called “stress.” People who feel stress are more susceptible to many kinds of mental and physical illness--including infection, viruses, AIDs, cancer, and cardiovascular disease. For example, studies have shown that people with prolonged anger or depression are more than twice as likely to have a heart attack as the general population! They are also more likely to die afterward. Researchers have also found that getting control of negative emotions and feeling happier can have a powerful effect on these diseases. [1]

Our emotions vary from moment-to-moment each day. Suppose you wore an emotion gauge that measured and recorded your emotions each moment during a typical week. What would the results look like? How much of your typical week is spent feeling happy--20%, 40%, 60%, 80%?

Do you ever long for more happiness, but fear that wanting it is selfish or naive? Do demands from family, friends, career, or even chores seem more important than your happiness? When you consider that many people face basic problems like hunger, poverty, crime, abuse, and fragmented families, do you ever feel guilty about wanting happiness?

However, if valuing happiness is so bad, why would great philosophers like Aristotle and Bertrand Russell value happiness above all other human experiences? Why would Buddha and Jesus value happiness and love so much? Were these men so naive or selfish?

Deep inside, we all want happiness, but how can we obtain it? Are we happy just because we’re lucky enough to have the right genes or the right circumstances? What if we aren’t so lucky? What if we face difficult circumstances such as rejection, failure, illness, or poverty? Can we rise above those difficulties and choose to be happy?

We can’t control our emotions the way we can flip on a light switch. However, we can develop an inner power to master our emotions. Many people believe they have little or no control over their happiness and other emotions. They are right; they don’t. Not yet! Until they learn the mental structures (values, beliefs, and life skills) necessary to gain control of their happiness and emotions, they cannot control them the way many others can. These differences in cognitive structures are the main reason some people are chronically happier than others. A person can’t play tennis or the piano or even talk until they learn the mental structures needed. Gaining control over emotions is even more complex. However, your brain’s cortex has the ability to learn structures to gain control of emotions as surely as it can gain control of your body. There is strong research evidence to support this claim.


During the summer when I was 16 years old, I was visiting my father in Phoenix. I had a lot of time to think. I had grown up assuming that happiness was just a by-product of meeting other goals. I assumed that what was really important was to be a top athlete, to have a special girlfriend, to be popular, to have lots of money (and a great car), and to be the best at almost everything I attempted. However, I wasn't too successful at meeting these goals, and I wasn't feeling happy at the time.

Something seemed wrong with this way of thinking, but I wasn't sure just what it was. I could see that not everyone could be the best or have the best. If people have to be the best to be happy, doesn't that condemn everyone else to miserable lives? If people have to own the best to be happy, doesn't that doom all poor people to misery?

These beliefs didn't make much sense--especially since some people with little success or money seemed happier than many people who "had it all.” My father had lived by this “be number one” philosophy and had made lots of money. But he did not seem happy.

Yes, something was wrong with this way of thinking. But what could be better? I knew that eventually having a happy marriage was important to me. I thought about what I would want in someone else. I formed a fairly clear image of what she would be like--based on women I had known and characters from movies. The person I wanted would be someone who would be warm, happy, enthusiastic, self-confident, intelligent, honest, emotionally expressive, had interests similar to mine, and more!

However, I didn't even have a girlfriend. Even if I ever found such a terrific person, why would she be interested in me? I asked myself what someone like this would want in a man she would meet. What I realized is that she would probably want a man who had the same positive qualities I was looking for in her!

This conclusion caused me to look at myself honestly. I had to admit that I came up short of what I wanted in someone else--in many respects. The quality that seemed most important was someone who was happy--happy with herself and happy with life. It seemed that no matter where I started my thinking, I kept arriving at the same conclusion--people's happiness is the most important quality in life. I decided that what I wanted more than anything else in my life was happiness.

      This simple insight changed my life. At the time, I feared this insight would end as other self-improvement attempts had--with little progress. I was wrong. My life has never been the same since that event more than 50 years ago. That insight was the beginning of my conscious quest for happiness.


Where do we begin the quest for happiness? My first step for choosing to be happy was to choose to be happy! I decided to make an experiment of consciously making happiness number one. So, I made a commitment to make happiness for myself and others the top goal in my life for at least a few months. Part of that commitment was to recognize that I would take primary responsibility for my own happiness from now on. I quit assuming that money, others, fate, luck, a sexy spouse, or the government would make me happy.

If you decide that you really want to be happier, then how can you begin your quest? Today there are many options--counseling, self-help books, groups, classes, workshops, and other opportunities. They can all be helpful. However, try my experiment; try making happiness for yourself and others your top goal for at least three months. In addition, take responsibility for your own emotions.

Making personal growth a priority can produce "miraculous" effects. Who will be successful at this quest and who won't? The persons who become the happiest and grow the most are those who also make truth and their own personal growth primary values. They become fascinated with new growth experiences--even personally difficult ones--in order to keep reaching higher levels of development. Each new stressful event can be seen as an opportunity for growth instead of a disaster. You can fail to reach a goal, but you can never fail to learn.

I have seen many clients with problems such as hardcore drug or alcohol addictions who are now reaching high levels of personal functioning. I have seen clients who were so shy that they had never had a close friend become outgoing, friendly, and develop intimate relationships. I have seen angry people become forgiving and fearful people become confident. If you want to make rapid change in a short time, you can do it by immersing yourself in a variety of good growth experiences.

This book can help provide you with tools to get control of your emotions. This book is not about just one type of problem--such as stress, addictions, depression, loneliness, dysfunctional relationships, or lack of success in your career. It is about learning powerful ways of thinking that can help with almost any type of problem affecting your happiness. Once you increase your inner power, then you can choose to be happy in difficult situations.

Find role models for your own personal growth. Another way to begin your quest for happiness is to find good role models--such as people who have reached higher levels of happiness. Finding people who started with problems similar to yours can be especially helpful. This is one reason self-help programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous have been so successful.

      When I was in college, I wanted models for my own personal growth. Dr. Abraham Maslow's study of self-actualizing people provided one model--which has been etched in my brain and has continued to influence my life.

If you are dealing with problems such as persistent depression or anxiety, you may be so focused on overcoming negative emotions that you resist focusing on goals like happiness and self-actualization. However, is it possible that part of your problem overcoming negative emotions may be that you focus too much on problems and on reacting to situations? Does focusing on problems leave you stuck in quicksand? If so, focusing on positive goals and positive models may be your lifeline out of the quicksand. In addition, happiness and self-actualization are closer than you think. You can achieve bits and pieces of happiness and self-actualization quickly.


Dr. Abraham Maslow--a founder of the humanistic psychology movement is one of the great psychologists of the last century. He noted that most Freudian and psychodynamic approaches to psychology tend to focus on psychological sickness. These theories had also developed too many negative concepts about people and human nature. This negativity was due partly to Freudians’ study of people with the most serious psychological problems. Dr. Maslow asserted that psychologists could learn more about mental health by studying the healthiest people than by studying those with the greatest problems. His message needs to be restated for many in the mental health field today.

He completed a classic observational study of historically important people and important people of his time. These people were considered to be exceptional in their personal achievements, in their contributions to society, and in their own happiness and well-being. They had to pass mental health criteria as well (Maslow, 1954). People who knew Dr. Maslow personally thought he was a self-actualizing person. Perhaps his own personal experience was an important factor for his remarkable insights into self-actualization.

How important was his study and his conclusions? It had a significant and lasting effect upon the entire field of psychology. No other study of healthy people even approaches its influence. Dr. Maslow's model of self-actualizing people has stood the test of time over several decades.

What was it about these self-actualizing people that caused them to be so happy and productive? What were their secrets--the keys to their happiness and productivity? Listed in Figure 1 are Dr. Maslow's conclusions about the key characteristics of the self-actualizing people in his study. I invite you to begin your own conscious journey to self-actualization. Consider the following list of characteristics as a role model for yourself. May it serve as a guiding light for you as it has for me. (This book is also about how to achieve self-actualization. If you want to focus on developing certain characteristics, then read the chapters listed to learn more about how to achieve them for yourself.)

Maslow believed that before a higher need could become important to us, we must first get our lower, more basic needs met. Before we can become concerned about self-actualization, we need to adequately satisfy basic needs such as health, safety, belongingness, love, and status. To the degree that these needs are satisfied, then we are free to concentrate more on the higher needs or metavalues listed below.










1. Acceptance of self, of others, of nature--"not complaining about water because it is wet." Stoic style of calmly accepting even the worst. (How? See Chapters 4, 5)

2. Identification with the human species--identification with all of humanity versus just their own family, friends, culture, or nation. (How? See Chapters 3, 4)

3. Emphasis on higher level values--see METAVALUE section on next page.

4. Perception of reality--greater perceptual accuracy of reality. Superior ability to reason and perceive the truth and understand people at a deeper level.

5. Discrimination between means and ends, between good and evil--Clearer and more focused upon ends than most people; though they view their experiences and activities more as ends in themselves than most people. (How? See Chapters 2, 3)

6. Resolution of dichotomies (conflicts). Resolved conflicts that plague most people, because of their highly developed, accepting philosophy of life. (How? See Chapter 3)



7. Autonomy and resistance to enculturation. (How? See Chapter 6)

8. Detachment and desire for privacy--high enjoyment of privacy and solitude. Calm and at peace with themselves. (How? See Chapters 5, 6, 8)

9. Spontaneity, simplicity, naturalness--reflects integration of values and habits. Open, integrated values and habits. (How? See Chapters 3, 6)



10. Problem-centering--easily forget self and easily absorbed in tasks they love and/or feel are extremely important. (How? See Chapters 3, 8)

11. Creativeness--retain an almost childlike fresh, naive, and direct way of looking at life. May be partly a result of other factors such as problem-centering.

12. Freshness of appreciation and richness of emotional reactions--ability to intensely focus on the present and highly involved in it. Very accepting of emotions. (How? See Chapters 7, 8)

13. High frequency of peak experiences. (How? See Chapters 7, 8)



14. (Intimate) Interpersonal relations--"deeper and more profound interpersonal relations than any other adults.” However, these very close relationships are often limited to a very few people. They tend to be kind, patient, affectionate, friendly, and unpretentious; but  can be  direct and assertive when needed.

15. Democratic character structure--a person's status is unimportant to them. They do respond to differences in values and character. (How? See Chapter 3)

16. Philosophical, unhostile sense of humor.

MASLOW'S METAVALUES (or "Being" values)

Dr. Maslow observed that self-actualizing persons seem to spend less of their time concentrating on the lower values (safety, belongingness, etc. listed above) and more of their time being concerned primarily with higher values or metavalues. The content of self-actualizing people's thoughts is an extremely important way in which they live on a higher level. They spend much more time focusing on metavalues such as those listed below.


• WHOLENESS (unity, integration, organization, simplicity, etc.)




• ALIVENESS (process, life, spontaneity, self-regulation [versus. other-controlled], full-functioning)

• RICHNESS (differentiation, complexity, intricacy)




• UNIQUENESS (idiosyncrasy, individuality, novelty)

• EFFORTLESSNESS (ease, grace, beautifully functioning)

• PLAYFULNESS (fun, joy, amusement, humor)

• TRUTH (and knowledge?)

• SELF-SUFFICIENCY (autonomy, independence, environment-transcending, [taking care of oneself], separateness, living by own laws)


Focusing on satisfying these values (instead of focusing on lower values or negatives) is an important factor in why self-actualizing people are happier, more peaceful, and more productive than other people. They routinely meet their lower values (or have met them in the past), so now they are free to concentrate on these higher values.

It is interesting to note that when self-actualizing people's basic values are threatened, they do not tend to regress back to the earlier phase of development. Instead, their higher values are still more important to them. Once these higher values become firmly established, they are very resistant to deterioration.

Notice how these values are general and timeless. Contrast them with the goals that commonly occupy most people's time--such as worry over meeting deadlines, getting jobs, finding others to love, making high grades, or making good impressions.

Self-actualizing people are people who have learned to look at life from a broader perspective. They are attentive to the deadlines in life, but not carried away by them. They focus their lives on these abstract metavalues. Consequently, they are not so emotionally affected by the ups and downs of daily life. They feel a sense of happiness that comes from seeing progress toward satisfying these stable, inner values that do not depend so much upon external conditions.


PRACTICE: What are your highest values? 1--What do you think about most of the time? What underlying values seem to be reflected by your goals and thoughts? 2–Do you want to give more attention to metavalues? 3--What can you do to spend less time concentrating on negatives or lower values and more time focusing on metavalues? In later chapters you will develop a greater understanding of your values and the parts of yourself that create them.


Once people begin to live on a higher level (become more self-actualizing), their relationships tend to change. They view their old relationships in a different light. They increase their understanding and caring for others, yet feel less worried about what others think of them or their choices.

As the new metavalues become more important, people spend less time with persons or groups who don't share their emphasis on these metavalues. They often seek new relationships or groups that do share them. They actively try to bring every relationship more in line with their metavalues.

Marilyn Ferguson (in The Aquarian Conspiracy) describes the growth process from a lower to a higher state of functioning. She compares this process to the early pilgrims crossing the Atlantic ocean from the Old World to the New World of America. She describes how those who were left behind in the old country often felt and how the explorer moves on.


Those who stay behind cannot understand why the familiar did not hold the

 immigrant. Why did he abandon his accustomed homeland? 

Saddest of all, how could their affections not hold them? . . .

Over time, differences may seem more and more pronounced,

old schisms widen. Many new friendships,

even a whole new support network, take their place.

Based as they are on shared values and a shared journey, these new

 relationships are perhaps more intense. (Pp. 387-388)


Several years before I met my wife Sherry, she was going through a transition period involving some dramatic personal growth. The success, social status, and money she and some of her friends had and spent so much time focusing on had come to mean less to her. She knew that something was missing in her life. As she began to find new values and answers, she felt less connected to her friends. As a result, she felt increasing distance from even her closest friends.

She often walked along the canals in Long Beach. On one of these walks, she realized that she might have to continue her journey toward self-actualization without many people she was closest to. She suddenly felt alone and frightened about going ahead in her quest if it meant leaving everyone else behind.

She stopped in at the house of the one friend she thought might understand. Her friend showed her the above passage of The Aquarian Conspiracy. It helped her understand her situation and encouraged her to continue growing and searching for people who shared her new values. 

That passage helped give her the courage to make some dramatic changes. She ended an unequal marriage, she continued to support herself in real estate while getting a counseling degree and raising two children, and she made many new friends--including me. Years later, she realizes that this was one of the most important periods in her life.

However, at the time, she greatly feared leaving the old, familiar people and life patterns behind. One of her biggest fears was that she could never find a man who was growth-oriented enough. Many women feel that way. Though, in fact, many growth-oriented men have the same fears.

To the degree that two people share the same metavalues, they can begin to have a higher-level relationship. We were lucky to find each other. When we met, we discussed many of our beliefs about what we wanted in a relationship and what we thought would make two people happy together. We especially focused upon combining intimacy, independence, open communication, and equality. 

Neither of us had ever lived by these principles adequately in any previous relationship. So we began experimenting to see how this new kind of relationship would work. After much early trial and error, we found out that these principles really do work. We have developed a relationship that has evolved to a much higher level over the years. Our relationship is so loving, so freeing, and contributes so much to our own individual growth and happiness. These principles work for us and our clients.



PRACTICE:  Evaluate each significant relationship and group in your life. What values are most important to each person or to each group? How similar are they to your new values? Is the relationship evolving toward satisfying these metavalues?



Your Top Goal will control your life and happiness


Dr. Paul Tillich, a great philosopher and theologian of the modern era, said that our ultimate concern is probably the most important single factor determining our personality and life. It is our most important value. He called it our personal "god," because it is so powerful. Our ultimate concern determines other values, beliefs, goals, feelings, and actions.

For example, if money is my ultimate concern, then I will focus upon making money above all else. I will choose a career, wife, car, dress, and activities that are consistent with making the most money I can. If money is my ultimate concern, then when the value of money conflicts with another value, the value of making money will always win the conflict. My "money god" will control me and determine much of my personality and my relationship to the world around me.

If my ultimate concern is being loved by my significant other, then the approval of my significant other controls my life--even when that approval is clearly self-destructive. People in "addictive" relationships often make their significant others their "gods."

Likewise, children from dysfunctional families often make their family their ultimate concern. Psychologists often see family members so enmeshed with each other that it is extremely difficult for them to break free of these bonds. Adult children may still desperately want love and approval from their family--even though they will never get enough.

When we make other people (or their approval) our ultimate concern, then we make them our "gods." We give them control of our lives and our happiness. Instead, take back the control of your life--take responsibility for your own happiness. Seek your own approval--not theirs. Let them have primary responsibility for their own happiness. Don't let them manipulate you with "guilt trips." (See internal control Chapter 6.)


      Perhaps you already understand that satisfaction of your top values and goals is fundamental to your happiness. However, you may not fully grasp how critical your choices of ultimate concern and top values are to your happiness. The choice of externally-centered versus internally-centered values is a powerful dimension affecting your happiness.


Externally-centered (EC) values. EC values are more dependent upon conditions outside you for their fulfillment; they are more dependent upon other people or external forces. EC values include having money, success, achievement, and material or other possessions and include being loved, accepted, or respected by others.


Internally-centered (IC) values. IC values are values that are more dependent upon your own thoughts and actions. IC values include happiness, love, beauty, truth, knowledge, and Maslow’s metavalues. IC values are more mental, abstract, or spiritual. They depend upon what you think and give more than what others think or give you. Note the difference between loving others and wanting to be loved by others—the first is an IC value and the second an EC value. Giving in general is an IC value and receiving in general is an EC value. The IC-EC difference is a secret sense in which it is better to give than to receive. Caring more about (or focusing on) what you do versus what is done to you increases your control and happiness. Other examples are happiness, love, integrity, honesty, learning, and excellence.


The Law of Attachment

      What is the Law of Attachment? Jesus, Buddha, and Tillich understood the following basic psychological-spiritual principle.

 Whatever you are most attached to exerts the most control over your life and becomes your primary source of both happiness and anxiety.


Why is this so? Because, the instant you make an EC value your ultimate concern, you put yourself on a limb and create a huge source of anxiety. If you become too attached to an EC value, you give control of your emotions to outside forces. This EC value becomes your ultimate source of anxiety. Why? Because your ultimate fear will be not getting that value met; and if it is met, your ultimate fear will be losing it. The forces controlling it always remain primarily outside yourself—so you are always vulnerable and in a potential state of anxiety. Example, if you make being loved your top goal and don’t receive love, your greatest fear will be not getting it; and if you get it, your greatest fear will be losing it. Results might include being overly dependent or being in an addictive or abusive relationship.

The instant you make an IC value your ultimate concern, you will likely feel a sense of calm, peace, and inner power. Control over IC, mental/spiritual values like happiness, truth, beauty, and loving lies primarily within you. Choosing IC values as your top values gives you security and peace, because you can control their satisfaction from within. 

Satisfaction of IC values isn’t so dependent upon external forces. For example, it’s wonderful to love someone. However, if you make the loved one an ultimate concern and he/she leaves you, you will experience ultimate anxiety and unhappiness. You can love someone a great deal, but keep that relationship in perspective by making other IC values your highest values. Then if they leave you, you can still find happiness through satisfaction of IC values such as growth, beauty, and loving others. No one can ever take away love of God, nature, music, sports, learning, or many other primarily mental activities. Another problem of over-valuing others is that fear of losing them can undermine your relationships.

Substituting IC values for EC values is a primary part of many conversion experiences transforming people’s lives and causing them to feel a wonderful sense of love and peace.


When I was considering change at age 16, I asked myself, "If what I want from life is to be happy, then why don't I make happiness my top goal?” It seemed ironic to me that my father and others worked all their lives to reach goals of having success, money, security, and many other things in order to be happy. Yet they were not happy--not because they didn't reach their goals; but because they chose the wrong goals.


Confusing "means" with "ends." It's not that having money or career success cannot contribute to happiness. They obviously can contribute. But if one makes these means to happiness their end goals, then they become so focused upon the means that they may lose sight of the end--happiness.

In my father's case, he made business success number one. There is nothing wrong with making business success an important goal. However, when he made it an ultimate concern, it took over his life. He constantly worried about it, deprived himself of many possible happy experiences, and got angry whenever anything interfered with his business success. I told him that I thought he could be happier if he would focus more on being happy. Yet, he couldn't understand how he could have happiness without business success. He was afraid that any change in thinking or focus might upset his drive for success.

Success had become more important to him than happiness. It is sad that after having had some business success--without having had a great deal of happiness--in the end he lost his business and was very unhappy before he died. For him his business success had become his personal "god."


Self-integration can overcome internal conflicts. So far, we have been assuming that we each have only one ultimate concern. However, most of us are too disorganized to have just one ultimate concern. Most of us are confused about what our most important values are. We owe allegiances to several "gods" that constantly conflict with each other.

We have internal battles between our desires for success, love, friendship, security, play, health, and more. Lack of integration among our highest values underlies much of our daily confusion and anxiety.

Once we consciously choose to make one value our top value (ultimate concern), then it becomes the ultimate test of any internal conflict. For example, if I have a conflict between spending an hour working or an hour playing, I ask myself, "Which will contribute most to my overall happiness (and the happiness of others)?” With experience, I have learned how to calculate my expected happiness quickly.


PRACTICE: Your Ultimate Concern. What is the most important value in your life? What is your top goal? If you cannot give just one answer, list the values that seem most important. Then see if you can see if you can find any value(s) common to all of those less general values.


Would you feel comfortable telling most people that your most important goal in life is to be happy? Or, would you feel a little embarrassed or guilty? Why is this? Do you think people will accept your saying, “I want to be successful" more than saying, "I want to be happy"? Is "happy" a dirty word?

If you are embarrassed to openly say that you want to be happy, then it is important to examine the sources of this feeling. What assumptions underlie that feeling? Where did you first hear that putting happiness first is bad?


Resolving the selfishness and ethical issues. Many people are afraid that if they make their own happiness a primary goal in life, they will become too selfish, too self-centered, too hedonistic, or even unethical. My suggestion: make happiness for self and others your top goal, and learn a proper balance when there is a conflict.

These fears of making happiness a primary goal need to be examined. If we give undo attention to our own happiness at the expense of others, then almost any thoughtful person would agree that we are, indeed, being selfish or unethical. Is making happiness a primary goal incompatible with being ethical and caring? No! "Happy" is not a four-letter word. If you are concerned about being too selfish, hedonistic, or unethical, consider the following ten points.


1. Great religious leaders and philosophers promote happiness as a goal. Some people think that their religion does not value their happiness. There is an old saying, "Put God first, others second, and yourself last.” The Bible does not say that, but many people think that way. What Jesus said was to love God first and love others as you love yourself--or equal to how you love yourself.

      If you take a Christian perspective, ask yourself, “If I were a loving parent, would the happiness of my children be a top goal?” What is your idea of God? Could God be a less loving parent than you?

What do Aristotle, Immanuel Kant, Bertrand Russell, Buddha, and Jesus have in common? Happiness was a top-priority value for each of them. Reread Aristotle’s quote that opened this chapter, he explicitly built his system of ethics around this idea--as did the great philosopher, Bertrand Russell. Gautama (the Buddha) made happiness his ultimate concern and centered his philosophy around that goal. The heart of his approach is the eightfold path to find the goal of happiness. Jesus stressed love and happiness as ultimate concerns--the heart of his famous “Sermon on the Mount” was his approach to finding happiness.

Kant’s famous test of ethical principles. The great philosopher Immanuel Kant’s famous ultimate test for an ethical principle is his categorical imperative:”Act as if the maxim from which you act were to become through your will a universal law of nature.” He also notes that “there is one thing which we assume that all finite rational beings actually make their end, and  . . . this object is happiness.”

If we all seek happiness and are successful, then we will all be happy. Is there any other end goal that seems more desirable? Certainly, it would not be that we all sacrifice our happiness for each other. If we all did, no one would be happy. Thus, happiness passes Kant’s categorical imperative ethical test.


2. Maximizing happiness is different from maximizing pleasure. Another type of criticism against making happiness an ultimate concern is that happiness is "just hedonism" or "just an emotion.” Part of the underlying issue is the belief that emotions are just fleeting phenomena--having little real significance. A related criticism is that happiness just reflects "lower" or more "primitive" values.

      These criticisms are valid for making pleasure an ultimate concern, but not for making happiness an ultimate concern. People expressing criticism usually do not understand the important differences between happiness and pleasure.

Pleasure is produced by lower brain centers responsible for getting our lower needs met--such as hunger, thirst, touch, and biological sex. Pleasure can contribute to happiness. However, making pleasure the highest goal in life can lead to personality characteristics such as thrill-seeking, addiction, and selfishness. Many psychologists believe that making pleasure our ultimate concern is an underlying cause of a criminal or antisocial personality. Pleasure does not care about other people's needs.

On the other hand, happiness is an emotional state that depends upon harmony within the highest brain centers. It depends partly upon meeting lower, biological needs. However, it depends primarily upon meeting our higher, learned values--loving and being loved, achievement, truth, beauty, etc. We cannot be too selfish and be completely happy. Thus--unlike pleasure--happiness has a biologically-based safeguard against selfishness.

Another complaint about pleasure is that people seeking pleasure are often irresponsible. That is often true. Many psychologists believe that making shortsighted pleasure-seeking a top-goal is an important cause of addictions to alcohol and drugs.

On the other hand, the higher brain constantly scans the future (at least its predictions of the future). If it predicts that values will all be met, then it produces happiness. If it is less than certain that values will be met, then it produces anxiety or other negative emotions. The person who seeks shortsighted pleasure will not be happy, because their higher brain will worry about the future. Thus--unlike pleasure--happiness has a wired-in safeguard against lack of concern about the future.

For example, we may feel pleasure from sex, but feel unhappy at the same time. Our interpretation of the meaning of an event such as sex affects our happiness more than the actual pleasure from sex itself. We cannot be completely happy about having sex if we feel guilty about cheating or worry about getting AIDS.

Happiness is the only human state that measures our overall physical and mental well-being. Happiness is even affected by our perception of the world's well-being. It results from harmony among our inner parts. We cannot deny important parts of ourselves and be fully happy. We cannot neglect the future and be fully happy. Nor can we neglect others and be fully happy. Happiness and love go hand-in-hand. Loving someone means we value his or her happiness. When we feel love, we feel happy--whether the love is for an object, an activity, or a person.


3. We cannot be fully happy if we know we are hurting other people. This is a controversial statement. Many people believe that there are happy drug dealers, dictators, manipulators, and others who are powerful, wealthy, have many "friends," and are generally happy people who go unpunished for their misdeeds.

Yet, even these people have an inner part that cares about other people's happiness and is unhappy with what they are doing. Each of us has this inner part (our "Higher Self") which is based upon an innate concern for our own happiness and our knowledge that other people feel much the same feelings as us. Parts of us can try to ignore and deny this empathy for others, but those parts cannot totally drown it out--no matter how hard they try.

So far as we are knowingly responsible for doing things that contribute to the unhappiness of others--then this empathetic part of us will haunt us--no matter who we are. It is impossible to simultaneously be aware that we are hurting others and have the inner harmony necessary to be maximally happy! No matter how much hurtful people may try to fool themselves and others--inside they feel the conflict.

For example, biographies of Hitler and Stalin have shown that they had a great deal of internal conflict and unhappiness--even when they were riding the crest of their success and power. Their inner, hostile parts that victimized others also victimized their other inner parts. The result was inner turmoil, self-hate, and important parts of themselves that remained unfulfilled.

Full, prolonged happiness requires that we do what we believe to be consistent with contributing to others' happiness as well as our own. It is impossible to be both selfish and hurtful to others and very happy. How many times have you been aware of hurting another and not felt at least some guilt (or other negative emotion) at some time?


4. We need to balance focusing on our own happiness and focusing on the happiness of others. Making others' happiness a primary goal is necessary to be an ethical, caring person. It is also important in order for us to be happy ourselves. Loving another means giving their happiness high priority.

Achieving an adequate balance between valuing our own happiness and the happiness of others is the way to solve the ethical dilemma. We can seek win-win solutions to problems whenever possible, and we can occasionally sacrifice our own happiness for the happiness of others. In the long run, giving may bring us greater happiness than being selfish. Enlightened self-interest means that we must find a balance between giving to self and giving to others.

The United States constitution is quite permissive; it states that we each have the right to pursue our own happiness as long as it does not interfere with the rights of others to pursue it. It doesn't say anything about needing to actively seek others' happiness. It assumes that we are each responsible for our own happiness.

5. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Responsibility follows control. Since each person has more control over his or her own happiness than anyone else's, then each person has the greatest responsibility for his or her own happiness. Why should someone else be more responsible for my happiness then I am--or vice-versa?

Have you ever been in a situation where no one will say what they really want and each person is trying to make sure they please the other? For example in trying to decide which movie to see, one says, "What do you want to see?” "I don't care; what do you want to see?" This cycle repeats until both people become thoroughly frustrated. Isn't it better if both persons say what they want--yet simultaneously consider the other's wishes?

The balance between giving to self versus giving to others is an important issue we all have to face (and will be considered more in later chapters). You and I may not exactly agree on what that balance is, but perhaps we can agree that both our own and others' happiness are worthy as potential ultimate concerns.


6. Enlightened self-interest produces the greatest total happiness--the cell-organism analogy. If each person in the world intelligently assumes responsibility for his or her own happiness, then the total amount of happiness in the world will be maximized. Many people would say that this belief is naive. How can everyone be happiest if we each focus more on our own happiness? How could that ever work on such a large scale?

Consider the human body. It is composed of billions of cells. How do they function together in harmony? Each cell in the body is primarily responsible for its own health and "happiness" (harmonious functioning). It has less concern about other cells per se. However, as a subgoal to its own survival, it performs functions that are important to the health and "happiness" of other cells.

It may seem ironic that the cells--by each putting its own survival and harmonious functioning above all else--can somehow produce maximum health and happiness for the entire organism. How has this happened? The organism has evolved over millions of years into this highly integrated system of specialized cells working together as a harmonious whole. Similarly, if each human makes its own health and happiness its ultimate goal, then humankind will gradually evolve into a highly integrated "organism" that will produce the maximum happiness for all.

Consider the alternate possibility--for each person in the world to be primarily concerned with other people's happiness. Think about the following questions.


• How do you feel about other people being primarily responsible for your happiness?

• How happy would everyone be if everyone sacrificed what they wanted and gave it to someone else?


We have witnessed the collapse of communism--a system that emphasized the welfare of the collective (or state) above that of the individual. The emphasis on the group above individual happiness contributed to the lack of personal responsibility and motivation leading to communism's failure. When people focus on group responsibility, they often deny their own individual responsibility.


7. Should we make happiness a conscious goal? Many people believe that, in order to be happy, we must not make happiness a conscious goal. Instead we must make other things (such as achievement, helping others, or success) our goal, and then happiness will follow as a by-product.

Yet, it is simply not true that focusing on these goals and obtaining them will automatically lead to happiness. How many people--with more money, success, fame, and accomplishment than you or I ever will ever have--ended up miserable or even committed suicide?

Focusing on these means to happiness may have caused them to lose sight of the end of happiness. They forgot that happiness was the real end. Instead, they did whatever it took to get the money, status, and power--and were successful. The problem was that "whatever it took" undermined their happiness.

We will not make that mistake if we constantly remind ourselves that our top goal is happiness--the other goals are all means to happiness.


8. Making happiness and love top goals automatically supplies powerful motivation for actions. First, let’s consider ethical acts for ourselves, such as pursuing long-term goals and taking care of our health. Do you feel more like doing something when you are doing it because you think you “should” or because you think it will make you happy?

When your brain believes that an action will make you happy, it automatically supplies powerful motivation to perform that act. You want to do it. On the other hand, rules or “shoulds” usually supply poor motivation for actions. Part of you resents doing it, because it doesn’t like being controlled. Therefore, a system of ethics built on connecting ethical actions to a higher goal of happiness will be more motivating than a system of ethics built on an internalized system of rules and obligations.

 Second, let’s consider ethical acts for others. Do you feel more like helping someone because you know that your act will make them happier (and that would, in turn, make you happier) or because a rule tells you to do it? Similarly, do you feel less like harming someone because you know that your act would hurt them and make them unhappy (and that would make you unhappy) or because a rule tells you not to do it?

An ethical system that is based on empathy and love of others creates more motivation for respecting and helping others. In any system based on love, the emphasis is on adequately developing people’s empathy and love of others. Otherwise, it will not work well either. (See Higher Self Chapter 3 for a more thorough discussion.)


The gift of happiness is the best gift one can give

to both the recipient and the giver.


9. Align your conscious goals with your biological nature and the nature of the universe. Evolution, growth, knowledge, harmony, and happiness are biologically-related phenomena built into every human being (see Chapter 7 on harmonious functioning). I believe that this coordination of good creative forces is a basic driving force of the universe. If you also believe--or even hope--that this is true, that hope gives you one more reason for making these values your conscious ultimate concerns. Creating goals of growth and happiness in our minds can help make them reality on earth.


10. Research evidence for choosing to make happiness a top goal. My research supports the proposition that making happiness as a top goal leads to being happier; having less depression, anxiety, and anger; having better relationships; being healthier; and being more successful in some ways. Out of almost 3400 people tested, making happiness a top goal correlated .45 with happiness, .22 with Low Depression, .19 with Low Anxiety, .32 with Low Anger-Aggression, .30 with Health Outcomes, and .40 with good Relationship Outcomes (Stevens, 2009). In addition, there is a great deal of evidence that people who are happier tend to be more successful in many life areas (Lyubomirsky, King, & Diener, 2005).


If we make happiness for self and others our ultimate concern, it will cause us to view life through a new set of glasses. Many of us make important goals of success, personal power, intelligence, or loving ourselves. Let’s look at these common terms through our new glasses.


What is success? The dictionary defines success as "the achievement of something desired, attempted, or intended"--meeting one's goal(s). Many people in our society measure success by how much money, status, power, prestige, fame, or accomplishments a person has achieved. The media constantly bombards us with messages that say these factors are the measures of success. However, the word "success" simply means meeting one's goals--whatever they may be. Everyone can have their own measure of success. What is yours?


I am successful to the degree that I am happy and contribute to other people's happiness. To measure your success, decide what your most important goal is. Ask yourself, "What is my ultimate concern?” Which is more important to you--money, status, power, prestige, fame, or happiness?

For me, happiness is most important. These other goals are important only to the degree that they contribute to my own and others' happiness. Therefore, I will measure how successful I am in my life by two simple measures, "How happy am I?" and "How much have I contributed to the happiness of others?"


If, at the end of my life, I can attain only one type of success,

I would not choose success in career, friends, money, status,

or any other worldly goal.

For what good are these to me without happiness?

If, at the end of my life, I can look back and say,

"I have contributed to the happiness of others and been happy myself,"

I will judge myself to have attained the most important kind of success.

What is personal power? Let's try to understand personal power better by first looking at its opposite. A frequent complaint of clients entering therapy is that they feel weak or unsure of themselves. People often describe themselves as having low self-esteem or say that their life feels out of control. What these clients mean is that they can’t control their own emotions and happiness.

I knew a multimillionaire who had a good family and friends. He had been very successful in his career and had lots of financial and social power. Yet he felt depressed for a long time, and described himself as feeling powerless.

There is a difference between my definition of personal power and society's definition of power. Society often measures power by criteria such as accomplishment, money, status, influence, or fame. By society’s definition of power, Adolf Hitler was one of the most powerful men in history. He did have a huge impact on history. However, it was negative power; he was a total failure at contributing to the happiness of himself and others.


What is our Happiness Quotient (HQ)? In his book, Your Erroneous Zones, Dr. Wayne Dyer uses a concept he calls your "Happiness IQ.” One well-accepted definition of intelligence is an ability to learn from experience and solve problems effectively.

Dr. Dyer points out that abilities to solve math problems or other difficult intellectual problems can be very useful. However, they are not nearly as important as the ability to solve the basic life problems necessary for finding happiness. Dr. Dyer calls this concept our "Happiness IQ" and asserts that it is the most important type of intelligence.

Salovey and Mayer’s (1990) concept of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) also stresses the importance of learned skills for getting control of emotions. Goleman’s popular book about EQ helped garner a great deal of research support. Martin Seligman, as president of the American Psychological Association (APA), renewed a Positive Psychology movement in our country. Seligman stressed learned optimism and other learned cognitive factors for helping individuals and society become happier and more productive (Seligman and Csikzentmihalyi, 2000). His efforts triggered a new round of positive psychological research.

Before writing the first edition of this book, my own study (Stevens, 1987) of more than 4,000 college students found that many key cognitive, self-management, and interpersonal skills correlated significantly with their happiness and other success factors. Now I use the term Happiness Quotient (HQ) to mathematically summarize a host of personal factors identified by our research as strongly predicative of happiness, other emotional outcomes, and some life success measures. A goal of this book is to help you increase your HQ.

When my wife Sherry read this passage about our Happiness IQ, she reminded me of a mutual friend's experience. For years Allen had led a life in which he seemed to give happiness for self and others top priority. He took time to lead a fulfilling life--balanced across many life areas. He took the time needed to "smell the roses" in each activity he participated in. Allen was successful in his career, but had not emphasized his career as much as the most successful in his field had. He was usually in a good mood and was giving toward other people. He would sometimes give even when he could not afford to. Yet he loved people and loved to give--he gave out of a desire to give and the joy it gave him. This lifestyle worked well for years.

Then Allen became involved with someone who was very ambitious for financial success. He began to feel a great deal of external and internal pressure to be more successful, make more money, and build a small empire of possessions. His mood changed dramatically during this period. He became dissatisfied with his work, his relationship, and his life. He did make a lot more money and was even more successful in his business in the short run. Yet, he got tired of the rat race and constantly fantasized about escaping.

Finally, Allen realized that he had let the means to happiness become the end. Despite his love for her, he ended the relationship because it had become unhealthy and unhappy. He put happiness back on track ahead of success and money, and once again was a happy (but wiser) man.


Focus your intelligence and energy on achieving happiness for self and others. You have a great deal of intelligence that you may never have focused on the goal of maximizing happiness. The knowledge and skills required to be successful at being happy are not innate. If your family (or others you know well) were not good role models for how to be happy, then where were you to get these skills? You can increase your Happiness Quotient (HQ) by learning from happy people, reading, therapy, and many other experiences in life.

But whomever you read or see for therapy, try to find out if they are happy persons themselves. Also, do they know about the specific areas that you most need help in? We can learn something from anyone, but we can learn most from those who know most about what we want to learn.



Think of a mother who loves her newborn baby. She tries to take good care of her baby by meeting all of its biological and psychological needs. This is taking good care of someone. However, many people never learn how to take good care of themselves in each life area. Loving yourself--translated into actions--means caring for all your needs and values the way a mother cares for her newborn baby.


Our happiness is determined by the satisfaction of our values. A simple but profound psychological fact is that our happiness is determined by the satisfaction of our true, inner values. By values, I include all biologically based needs and all learned needs or values (including metavalues).

If all our biological and psychological values are being met at a level that surpasses some internal criterion, then we will feel perfectly happy. (In Chapter 9, you can learn the O-PATSM self-management system for increasing the chances your values will be satisfied.)


PRACTICE: 1--How happy are you in each life area? (1) Make a list of life areas (Examples: Career, College, Self, Family, Friends, Relationship, Recreation, Health, Financial, etc.) (2) For each area, rate your overall happiness from 0 to 100.

  2--Make a happiness graph. (1) Take a sheet of paper and draw a graph. Mark the years of your life on the horizontal axis and your degree of happiness (0-100) on the vertical axis. (2) Mark key life events on the time line. (3) Make a graph of (overall) how happy you were for each year of your life. (4) Optional. Repeat this exercise by life area--career/school, family, friends, self, etc.


The "truth will set us free." My quest for understanding the secrets of happiness led me to complete a Master's of Theology degree and a PhD in Psychology. It led me to become a licensed psychologist practicing psychotherapy, teaching, and doing research. The knowledge which I gained has helped me contribute to others' happiness, and it has helped me to find more happiness myself.

I have not accomplished great things compared to many people. I wish that I could do more. Instead, perhaps my greatest success in life--that I am most certain of--is the happiness I have achieved myself and have contributed to others.

One part of my quest for truth is that I use four major perspectives to view any issue--a spiritual-philosophical perspective, a scientific-psychological perspective, a psychotherapist's perspective, and a personal perspective. Each of these four perspectives is like the blind men who felt different parts of a giant animal. One felt a leg and thought it was a tree. One felt the trunk and thought it was a snake. And so on. Each perspective could only reveal part of the truth. Only knowing all perspectives could yield the full truth that the animal was an elephant.

In reality, there is only one truth; so, ultimately, each of the different perspectives is seeking the same underlying truth. Therefore, beliefs consistent with all four perspectives are validated more than those consistent with only one. I have attempted to include only ideas in this book that I find consistent with all four perspectives. Since writing the first edition of this book, I have also completed an extensive research study that also strongly supports these ideas.  



The Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ). My previous research with the Life Skills Questionnaire (LSQ) and Stevens Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ) was a partial basis for ideas in the first edition of this book (Stevens, 1987; Stevens and Stevens, 1995). Though I received many emails telling how much the book had helped people, I wanted to more thoroughly test its contents. So I developed a free online questionnaire, the Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ). I systematically went through each chapter, taking each main idea, and turning it into questions. Thus, SHAQ is able to test the ideas in this book in a detailed way rarely found in other self-help books.

      SHAQ is also used as a self-development tool and can be coordinated with the book contents so readers can get feedback about their progress and improve individual personal attributes and their overall Happiness Quotient (HQ).

This book assumes a cognitive systems model of personality and emphasizes the importance of learned-controllable cognitions (values, beliefs, knowledge, thoughts, and skills). I (and many other psychologists) believe that our cognitions are the primary causes of both our emotions and our behavior. Happiness and success of all kinds are determined by a combination of three basic types of causes. 1-cognitive/learned, 2-environmental/conditional, and 3-hereditary/genetic factors. The first two types are the most controllable.[2]  In the next chapter, I will call these factors internal and external routes to happiness. SHAQ can help readers get specific feedback and advice about these cognitive learned HQ factors.


Who took SHAQ? When I analyzed this data, more than 3400 users had taken SHAQ on the Internet (free). They were a diverse group with a wide variety of ages, occupations, locations (27% outside the U.S.), ethnic groups, religions, and other factors. When asked what they wanted from SHAQ, 72% wanted to learn more about themselves and 63% said they wanted help with a problem.


The SHAQ scales. SHAQ is composed of 81 scales and subscales consisting of those questions taken directly from statements in this book. For example the chapter on self-worth and self-confidence is represented by two scales—one with each name. Each of the nine Self-Development Plan parts listed in the box below is represented by one or more SHAQ scales.


What was tested—the happiness and success outcome scales. I wanted to test how specific values, beliefs, and skills taught in this book are related to people’s happiness and success. To assess happiness and success outcomes I created the following scales: Overall Happiness, Low Depression, Low Anxiety, Low Anger, Relationship Outcomes, and Health Outcomes. [3] The highest personal income and academic achievement measures were also used.

Understanding the meaning of correlations and predictive power. For those who aren’t familiar with research or correlations, let me explain. Correlations range from 0 to 1.00. Zero means no relationship between two variables and 1.00 means a perfect relationship. For example the correlation between flipping a switch and the light going on would be near 1.00, because when the switch is up, the light is on and when down, off.

The correlation squared (R2) measures the amount of effect or degree of predictive power (EffectSize). The light switch position might predict 99% of the time whether the light was on or off (EffectSize = .99). Another example is that some people think that IQ scores are about 40% caused by hereditary and 60% caused by learning/environmental factors (of a possible total effect of 100%). If that were true then the 40% causation by heredity would equal an EffectSize of 0.40 and the 60% causation by learning/environment EffectSize = 0.60.[4]

The Happiness Quotient (HQ) as a Predictor of Happiness

What if you could combine the predictive power of all of the SHAQ scales together to predict people’s chances of being happy and successful? I created the Happiness Quotient (HQ) to mathematically combine all SHAQ’s scales. The HQ yields a score analogous to an IQ score (which measures intelligence). The research results show that the SHAQ-based HQ is a powerful predictor of happiness, depression, anxiety, and anger. SHAQ users can obtain their HQ score free on my website and improve it by reading this book.

Evidence that You Can Choose To Be Happy

I used a combined score[5] similar to the HQ score to test SHAQ’s (and the book’s) overall predictive power. The SHAQ scales had moderate to high positive correlations with almost all outcome measures. SHAQ’s scales had surprisingly high correlations with the emotional outcomes. SHAQ’s 56 subscales correlated with Overall Happiness, R = .87. SHAQ’s EffectSize of .75 means SHAQ can predict Overall Happiness with about 75% accuracy. That high degree of predictive power is very unusual for psychological factors and supports the book’s premise that happiness is largely determined by learnable cognitive factors. You can choose to be happy! SHAQ also correlated with Low Depression, .73 (EffectSize, .53); with Low Anxiety, .67 (EffectSize, .43); and with Low Anger-Aggression, .70 (EffectSize, .49). These numbers are also high for psychological research.

Some people believe that they cannot choose to be happy. They think that biological or environmental factors are so powerful, they cannot influence their own emotions. That belief alone can become a self-fulfilling prophesy—helping doom them to unhappiness. Our evidence strongly contradicts their belief.

No one can be happy all the time. However, we can all choose to maximize our happiness—given our unique biological and environmental situations. Thus, we can all choose to be happy and then try our best to maximize our happiness. You may truly not know how to influence your own happiness right now. However, you can learn how to maximize your happiness—as many others have. This learning strengthens your cognitive system and gives it more control over your emotions. Read this book and apply what you learn! The evidence from SHAQ strongly supports these statements, as does evidence from many other sources.

Relationship of SHAQ Scales to Success in Relationships and Health

SHAQ’s correlation with the Relationship Outcomes scale was .69. The predictive power (EffectSize) was 47%. The factors identified in this book that make people happier also tend to help them have better relationships, which in turn help people be happier.

SHAQ correlated with the Health Outcomes Scale R = .82. The predictive power (EffectSize) was 67%. So the implication is that living by the same factors that make you happier also makes your healthier!

SHAQ’s Predictive Power for Income and Academic Success

For the users over age 25 completing all of SHAQ including the learning-academic scales, the SHAQ correlation with highest personal income was .62 and the predictive power (EffectSize) was 38%. The correlation with highest education completed was .58 and the predictive power, 34%. SHAQ correlated with college grade point average (GPA),.56; the predictive power was 32%. Learning motivation and skills were particularly important factors for predicting both highest personal income and educational achievement.[6] 

So while SHAQ was not as good predicting income and academic success as it was emotional, health, and relationship outcomes; it was still a good predictor and better than most found in other research.


Summary: the factors identified in this book proved to be strong predictors of happiness, health, and success. Several thousand correlations were computed in this study, which in some respects is one of the most comprehensive studies ever undertaken on the relationship between cognitive factors and human emotions. SHAQ’s non-academic scales consist of 71 independent scales-subscales.[7]

Of the several thousand correlations computed, almost every one was statistically significant in the direction predicted by this book—a remarkable consistency not often found in research. The size and predictive power of the relationships was surprisingly high--even to me.

In each chapter, I will summarize research results for the scale(s) developed from that chapter’s contents. You may want to complete SHAQ yourself (free) to test yourself as a pretest before you read this book. You may view my paper describing this research study in detail on my website (Stevens, 2009).


When you are reading--even something that you enjoy--do you sometimes bog down in the material? Do some parts seem too confusing or too boring? In later chapters, I discuss the concept of harmonious functioning. These chapters tell how to get "in the zone" of optimal interest and learning.


If you feel confused. You are only learning at a good rate if you are feeling interested. If you are feeling confused, then the input may be too overwhelming for your ability to process it. Your current thinking method cannot organize the input material well enough. Many people keep reading when they are confused and only compound their confusion. Others think that they are stupid when they feel confused. Some get angry and "turn off" out of frustration, blaming their confusion on the book.

Confusion is a healthy part of everyone's natural learning and growth process. Our confusion can be like a door. Opening the door and looking at what our confusion is about will create learning. Letting the door remain closed and continuing to read in a confused state (or giving up) will just increase our confusion and lower our opinion of ourselves.

Instead, if you feel confused, immediately stop reading. Ask yourself questions. What you are confused about? Try to answer the questions. Break your confusion into parts. Relate examples in your own life to ideas in the book--a light may switch on.


If you feel bored. Boredom  results from  too little input and stimulation. We are bored if we’re not learning anything new or useful. If you feel bored while reading, skim or find creative uses. However, boredom is often a result of confusion. If we "give up" or "turn off" because we don't understand something, and become bored. In that case, redouble efforts to understand.

Even if a book or speaker seems confusing or boring, you are responsible for processing the information so that you can maximize your growth and enjoyment. Blaming the speaker or book will just keep you from growing.


Using what you learn from this book. You may already know many keys to happiness and be using them in your life. Validating and reasserting the importance of these ideas is an important process. When you get a new insight, begin experimenting with it immediately--before you lose it. Immerse yourself in your new ideas and behaviors. Experiment, practice, and play with them in as many situations as you can. Find their strengths and weaknesses. Discuss them with other people you respect. Write your own beliefs and guidelines as I wrote my original, "How To Be Happy" years ago that started my life on a new path. Or, keep a journal of your experiences.


Immersion is the key to profound growth. Learning and happiness--like life--are not static entities, they are dynamic processes. I designed this book to be a step-by-step self-development plan for achieving greater happiness and self-actualization. In this chapter, I provided an overview of the concepts of happiness and self-actualization. I also suggested a most important step--that you make values like happiness, growth, love, and truth your ultimate concerns.


Next. In the next chapter, you will learn some basic routes to happiness and learn a process for discovering the deeper causes of unhappiness. Study the You Can Choose To Be Happy Self-Development Plan in the box to get an overview of how you can learn the key elements of controlling your own happiness.

The promise that I make you is this. I believe it is possible to find at least one route to happiness in almost any situation. If you will learn and follow the ideas in this book well, then you can choose to be happy--in almost any situation and in your overall life.





The You Can Choose To Be Happy


Self-Development Plan


1. MAKE HAPPINESS FOR SELF AND OTHERS A TOP GOAL (along with love, truth, growth, health, integrity, and other timeless values that go hand-in-hand with happiness.) Avoid becoming overly attached to any one particular goal, person, or condition. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Learn to choose both internal and external routes to happiness. (Chapters 1, 2)


2. LEARN HOW TO FIND AND SOLVE DEEP CAUSES OF UNHAPPINESS. Learn the self-exploration process to use in following chapters to root out dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with happiness-inducing ones. (Chapters 2 and 3)


3. DEVELOP YOUR HIGHER SELF. Your Higher Self is your “Inner Conductor” or "Inner Hero" that loves unconditionally. Seek empathy and balance. Learn to understand and respect each point-of-view of each inner part of yourself. Seek the same deep empathy for others. Develop a strong, positive philosophy to guide your life. (Chapter 3)


4. CREATE A POSITIVE WORLD BY ADOPTING A POSITIVE WORLD VIEW. Develop a realistic, positive world view. Overcome your greatest fears, and learn that you can be happy in any situation. Then you can face each day with peace and confidence. Discover a rock-solid basis for optimism. Overcome deficit motivation--instead learn abundance thinking. Learn to hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, expect something between, and be grateful for all that you receive. (Chapter 4)


5. DEVELOP GREATER SELF-WORTH AND SELF-CONFIDENCE. Learn to love yourself and others unconditionally. Learn to accept all parts of yourself and overcome negative self-beliefs. Learn the causes of low self-confidence and how you can improve it. (Chapter 5)


6. REPLACE EXTERNAL CONTROL WITH INTERNAL CONTROL. Overcome too much dependence on others, need for others, or worry about what others think. Learn to improve relationships by being more internally controlled, intimate, and assertive. (Chapter 6)


7. LEARN HOW HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING PRODUCES PEAK LEARNING, PERFORMANCE, AND HAPPINESS. The harmonious functioning model is a breakthrough for understanding the basic causes of emotions and motivation. Learn what it takes to get “in the zone” of harmonious functioning. (Chapter 7)


8. LEARN THE SIX "CHUG-OF" MENTAL CONTROL STRATEGIES to achieve harmonious functioning and rise above anxiety, anger, and depression. Learn how to adjust your emotions like a thermostat. These six powerful strategies--based on the harmonious functioning model--will increase your Happiness Quotient (HQ) so you can choose to be happy. (Chapter 8)


9. CREATE A BETTER WORLD FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS. Learn the well-tested O-PATSM system to accomplish your goals and get control of your life. This system focuses on external routes to happiness--how you can get more control of your time, your actions, and the world around you. (Chapter 9)


   Read the book in order (Chapters 1-9) to follow this plan. However, you may use it as a reference book and read individual chapters in any order you please. Chapter 10 is a summary of the SHAQ research and book conclusions.






Happiness is a measure

of the overall health, growth, and harmony of the entire body and mind.

Happiness also reflects

our perception of the harmony and functioning of the external world.

The biological happiness mechanism has

safeguards against lack of concern about other people

and lack of concern about the future.

To make happiness our ultimate concern in life

is to align our conscious ultimate concern

with the most basic human motives and universal forces.

If we all seek happiness for self and others,

humankind can evolve into a highly integrated organism

that will maximize the happiness for all.











A note for Christians and others


The Intimate Connection between Love and Happiness


the “Two Great Commandments”


And one of them, a lawyer, asked [Jesus] a question, to test him,

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?”

And he said to him,

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,

and with all your soul, and with all your mind.

This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it,

You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

On these two commandments

depend all the law and the prophets.”

Matthew 23: 35-40


Ask a mother, who loves her child unconditionally,

what she wants most for that child.

She will likely say, “I want my child to lead a long and happy life.”

Is it not true that

if you love someone, you value their happiness above all?



when you are filled with love,

does not that warm feeling of love fill you with happiness?


Also consider:

If you believe in a God,

could you believe that God’s love for you,

is inferior to a mother’s love of her child?


if you think about how God created the universe and

how much He loves you and wants you to be happy,

are you not filled with love for God?

[The first great commandment]


Isn’t choosing to make your own and others’ happiness a top goal

the same as “loving others as you love yourself”?

[The second great commandment]















Do you sometimes say things like, "I can't help how I feel," "This stresses me out," "She makes me angry," or "You can't change how you feel." Are there times when you try your best to change how you feel, but fail? Does it seem like you've done everything that should make you happy, but somehow you are still not happy?

We all have experiences like these--in which our emotions seem to have a mind of their own. It is as if our emotions are being controlled by hidden, mysterious forces.

If you believe that you can't control your own feelings, then you may be partly right. You may be right in that (1) we all have limited control of our emotions, and (2) you have never learned all the tools for consciously controlling your emotions.


I used to believe that we had no control over our emotions, and I wasn't too good at controlling my own. But shortly after I made my commitment to experiment with making happiness my ultimate concern, that commitment had its first test. That night my father had taken my brother, Ron, and I on a drive around Phoenix. Dad stopped and told my brother and I to wait in the car while he went into a friend's house to "talk for a minute." Ron and I looked at each other wondering how long "a minute" would be. Thirty minutes later my brother and I were getting angry at dad for being so inconsiderate. We took turns reminding ourselves of all the times dad had been inconsiderate and making sarcastic comments. With each statement and accusing thought we made ourselves angrier and angrier.

Suddenly, I remembered my decision to feel as happy as possible. I realized that I was definitely not happy when I was feeling angry. For the first time in my life, I realized that my anger was hurting me more than it was hurting the person I was angry at. I realized that my father was probably in the house having a good time while I was in the car feeling miserable. That was not a happy thought.

So I just decided to feel happier. I stopped thinking the angry thoughts about my father and began to focus on the trees, stars, and beauty of the night. I also told my brother about this approach and it helped him feel better too. By the time my dad came back, I was quite happy.

Another amazing thing happened. When dad finally returned and saw that we were not angry, he was quite apologetic--a rare event indeed. Now, I realize that my positive attitude probably kept him from being defensive and gave him the space he needed to apologize.


Are you someone who doubts your ability to control your own emotions and "choose how you feel"? If so, you may be better at controlling your emotions than you think. For example, if you are feeling bad about a problem and you (1) consciously decide to think about the problem and (2) are successful in solving the problem, then you immediately feel better. Conscious problem-solving is only one of many internal routes to happiness.


PRACTICE: What has worked to get more control of your thoughts and feelings? Think of a situation in which you were upset, yet it was important to appear to be happy or to make a good impression with someone. Were you able to get yourself to actually feel better? How did you do it? You must have chosen thoughts that would help you get into the right mood. You chose to feel better by choosing thoughts that would affect your emotions. In the "Sound of Music," Maria "thought of her favorite things" when she wanted to feel better.


Just how powerful can choice of thoughts be for overcoming a negative environment? What is the worst negative environment you can imagine?

Wouldn't living in a Nazi concentration camp be about as bad as any you can imagine? In his classic book, Man's Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl described how he survived Auschwitz when most others died. He lived in a bleak, filthy barrack on the verge of starvation--in constant pain from hunger or wounds. Daily, he performed backbreaking, menial work and witnessed the guards--and other prisoners--perform incredibly inhuman and sadistic acts. Many prisoners became animals--who would do anything to survive.

Many prisoners could not tolerate this environment and died. Dr. Frankl wrote that the key survival factor was the will to live, and that whenever someone lost that will, he would die shortly thereafter. Many "ran into the wire" of the electric fence to end their misery. Others became ill. Some simply became immobilized in a catatonic state until they died.

Dr. Frankl kept both his life and his humanity. His survival secret was to create his own positive inner world. He created a fantasy life with his wife and spent many hours in their imaginary life together outside the camp. Listen to the words of a man who overcame one of history’s most inhumane situations.


The salvation of man is through love and in love.

I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world

still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment,

in the contemplation of his beloved. . .

Had I known then that my wife was dead,

I think that I would still have given myself,

undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and

that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid

and just as satisfying. . .love is as strong as death. (p. 61)


Dr. Frankl found that concentration on other higher, mental values also created happiness.

As the inner life of the prisoner tended to become more intense,

he also experienced the beauty of art and nature as never before.

Under their influence he sometimes

even forgot his frightful circumstance.


This positive spirit was contagious. Feeling good himself helped him care more for others. Whereas many prisoners were cruel to each other, Dr. Frankl performed many acts of kindness. These acts added happiness.

How many of us--facing far less difficult situations than Victor Frankl--are tempted to give up? Reminding myself of Frankl's situation helps me put my own problems in perspective. If he could choose to live by higher values and choose to be happy in that environment, surely, we can choose to be happy in almost any circumstance.


Changing feelings is different from denying feelings. We all know of people who pretend to be happy or put on a happy face for others when they are really unhappy inside. We may do that ourselves. We also know of people who deny their negative feelings. I remember a client who was red-faced and so tense from his anger that he was about to squeeze the chair arms in two. He looked straight at his wife and between gritted teeth said, "I am not angry."

He was not only trying to fool her, but he was also trying to fool himself. He truly seemed to be unaware of his own anger at the time. He had shut off the focus of his attention from all of the internal bodily sensations such as the tenseness and rapid heart rate that were giving him feedback that he was angry. This is a good example of denying feelings. Denial is unhealthy because it robs us of valuable information that we can use to understand a problem.

To change our feelings from negative to positive, we need to first recognize, understand, and accept the negative feeling. That is step one. Step two is to find out what is behind the feeling and then try to find ways of changing those feelings. Simply pretending that we do not feel what we feel is not usually adequate to overcome the negative feelings.

Years ago, my wife, Sherry, thought that trying to control emotions by changing thoughts was a superficial change method that was similar to denying how we really feel. I will let her speak for herself,


I used to believe that feelings were something that just happened to you.

I thought that you had no control over them and

"you just feel how you feel." 

I believed that people who thought that you could "choose how you feel"

were operating "out of their heads" not "out of their hearts."

I knew that for the most part I was a happy person, but I didn't believe that  I was continually making choices and thinking thoughts

which caused my happiness or unhappiness.

Part of the reason was that I was not consciously thinking about whether or not my thoughts or choices would make me happy.

As I continued to grow and feel more in control of my life, I gradually realized that I am continually making choices every moment of my life.

I noticed how these choices of my thoughts and actions had direct effects on my happiness. Sometimes, it was easy to find an alternative that immediately

caused me to feel happy.

At other times, I had to work through the sadness or anxiety,

and resolve underlying problems before I could feel happier.

In either case, knowing that

I can choose to be happy at almost any time--

even when I am feeling very bad--

gives me a feeling of inner strength I never had before.

Even though we can choose to be happy in any situation, it is not always easy to be happy. We need the right beliefs and tools for finding happiness. No one tool will work for all situations--we need many. This chapter will give you some basic tools; but to fill your toolbox, you must read the entire book.


How we choose to react to upsetting emotions has a major effect on our happiness. When you feel upset what are your most likely responses? Do you eat, drink, blame it on someone else, withdraw, avoid dealing with it, or just worry? Or, do you make better emotional coping responses such as solving the problem, discussing it,  giving yourself a pep talk, or taking constructive action to help yourself feel better? The emotional coping scale first used on the Life Skills Questionnaire and later on SHAQ contains both negative and positive coping responses.

The Life Skills Questionnaire (LSQ) was my first questionnaire to study the relationship between thinking/learning, self-management, and interpersonal skills on life outcomes like success in college, career, and personal life. Over a four-year period, it was given to more than 4,000 college students and 385 people established in the community (Stevens,1986). Some of the conclusions in the first edition of this book were partially based upon the research using the LSQ. SHAQ incorporated most of the LSQ items.

Overall, the LSQ was quite successful at predicting outcomes–especially happiness. One of the most interesting findings was how strongly the Emotional Coping Skills scale correlated with life success. The correlation between the coping score and overall grade point average was .25. That’s almost as good a predictor as college aptitude test scores such as the SAT! Higher scorers also tended to have more and happier close relationships. The correlation with happiness in various life areas was as follows: as a student, .45; in job and career, .41; in sexual relationship, .31; in friendships, .40; in family, .42. The correlation with overall happiness in their life for the past three years was .57. I believe that this data speaks for itself! How we typically react when we feel upset has a powerful effect on our overall happiness and success in life. We found very similar results with SHAQ’s Emotional Coping scale about 15 years later (see later in chapter).


Our speech habits often reveal important underlying beliefs affecting our happiness. Our speech habits not only reveal deep, inner aspects of us, but they also change important beliefs. We may use excuses that we are too stressed, too tired, or too busy to do something, when we actually just do not want to do it. The subtle, hidden message in that excuse is that "I cannot get control of my emotions--I am too weak or helpless."

These hidden messages have two major effects. First, they will affect others' beliefs about us. Others may believe that we are weak and helpless and treat us that way. Second--and even more importantly--we may believe the hidden messages ourselves. We may become more convinced that we actually are weak and helpless--thereby undermining our self-esteem.

In addition, a belief that our emotions are out of control contributes to anxiety and depression. We can stop undermining our self-esteem and self-confidence by monitoring our language. We can stop using "helplessness" language and start using "choice" language. Choice language is based on underlying beliefs such as the following.

• "I can make choices that determine how I feel."

•  "We are responsible for our own emotions."

•  "I can be honest with myself and others I trust."




Replace:  "I can't help how I feel." or "This stresses me out."

With:         "I take responsibility for my own feelings" or

                "I can get control of my emotions."


Replace:  "He/she/it makes me angry.” "He/she/it makes me feel . . ."

With:        "When he/she does . . . , I choose to think______,

                     and that causes me to feel . . . ."


Replace:  "I'm too [tired, stressed, upset, depressed] to . . ."

With:     "I do not want to . . . at this time." or

                "I could get myself in the mood to . . . if I choose."



In the box above are some examples of how we can transform helplessness language into choice language. During the next few days make a special effort to observe your own and other people's speech patterns. See how many people don't think they can control their emotions. Try to convert your own speech habits into “choice” language.




Sometimes we may think that a situation is hopeless. We may believe that we are in a situation for which no routes to happiness exist. I have seen many people who feel little hope and believe that there is no way out. The problem is not that a route to happiness doesn't exist; the problem is how they view the situation. Following is one such case.

My client was talking of killing herself. She said that she could not think of any reason to live, because she had been depressed and unhappy for so long that she was sick of it. She thought that her life would only get worse. She had no hope for the future. To her there were no routes to happiness open to her--only routes to despair.

Why was this woman--who was young, attractive, intelligent, healthy, and living in a society full of opportunities--so depressed and pessimistic about her future while another client--who had cancer and was facing a high probability of death--felt happy and hopeful about the future?

The client with cancer had found routes to happiness and the other had not. It was my job to help the depressed client find her own paths to happiness. A new belief that she could find more controllable worthwhile goals and happiness gave her a renewed sense of meaning, control, and hope. Getting her more involved in activities with higher immediate payoffs also helped--these included music, reading, centering, appreciating beauty, decorating, getting chores done, talking to old friends, and biking.


An important underlying cause of hopelessness, powerlessness, and depression is a belief that we cannot find any possible route to happiness. Do you ever think that you have no choice except a path that will make you unhappy? The next time you feel trapped, unhappy, or depressed ask yourself, "Am I assuming that I can’t find one route to happiness in this situation?" “Am I assuming that I have no choice but to be unhappy in this situation?"

Challenge that "no choice" belief. Tell yourself that no matter what the situation is, you have many routes to happiness! Perhaps you have not yet found those routes. However, someone in this world has learned how to create happiness in a similar--or even worse--situation. How did he or she do it?

Once you believe that you can achieve happiness in that situation, that belief will give you hope. Hope will allow you to start looking for new, creative routes to happiness that you may have previously overlooked.

Seek happiness and you will find it. This is a positive self-fulfilling prophesy. It is amazing how many people have never valued their own happiness highly and have never learned how to play, have fun, or create happiness.

Seeking happiness is partly choosing to find interesting things to do, but it is mostly a mental skill--learning how to make every activity as interesting and fun as it can be. The more we begin to look for creative ways of generating interest and enjoying ourselves in difficult or unpleasant situations, the more skilled we become. I have seen people learn how to be happy in many "impossible" situations.

One of my own pet peeves has been standing in lines or waiting. I used to get irritated and upset when I had to wait too long and thought about how I was wasting my time. Once I realized that I was responsible for my own happiness--even when waiting in a line or in the doctor's office--I decided to take control of that time and use it productively for myself or for working.

I realized that the time was only wasted if I chose to remain unhappy. Now, I usually take a book with me if I anticipate a wait. If I have no reading materials, I begin thinking of something enjoyable or begin thinking about something that will add to my life or my work. The time is no longer wasted because I no longer choose to waste it.


Knowing that there are many potential routes to happiness

for every one of us--

no matter what the situation is--

gives us hope and strength to face any uncertainties about the future.



We have both external and internal routes to happiness. External routes to happiness include any actions that utilize our external environment to contribute to our happiness. In a typical day, we take many actions like eating breakfast, talking with family members, working, playing golf, or going to bed. These actions generate external effects that, in turn, affect our internal world. It is as if we use the external world as a mediator between our actions and our senses so that we can achieve more desirable internal states.

Our happiness is dependent upon the satisfaction of our values--current and anticipated. The most common way to satisfy our values and find happiness is through external routes to happiness. If we are hungry, we eat and satisfy that hunger. If we want the love and fun of a friendship, then we can be a friend to others.

We can set goals, plan, and take actions to get money, friends, material goods, or the job we want. Or, an activity may provide interest and fun in itself. By choosing to do that activity, we get immediate increased happiness. Many of us are so focused on these external routes to happiness that we may even assume that they are the only routes to happiness.









Think of this diagram to choose to be happy


Our Western culture emphasizes these external routes to happiness. Indeed, they are important! They produce our food; build our houses, schools, and factories; they give us art, music, and philosophy; and they give us our family, friends, and lovers. Developing our knowledge and skills to use these external routes can lay a strong foundation for happiness.

However, think of the famous people who have "had it all"--yet killed themselves. Why would someone with more money, popularity, sexual prowess, and success than you or I will ever have kill themselves? To be maximally happy, we cannot depend exclusively upon these external routes. We must achieve inner harmony to be happy. No amount of external goods or success will ensure internal harmony.

While many who "have it all" are unhappy, others--like my client fighting for her life against cancer--achieve happiness with limited external resources. How can she be happier than the person who has so much?

How can we be happy when the external world is not to our liking? What happens when we don't have the resources to get what we want? Sometimes we fail no matter how hard we try. What happens when we lose something or someone we love dearly? In some cases, internal routes to happiness may be our only means to finding happiness.


Creating our own worlds. To the degree that we cannot find or obtain environments we want, we can strive to create them ourselves. Dr. McFerrin Stowe once said that no matter how inhospitable or crazy the world may seem, and no matter how badly others may treat you, it is possible to create your own world that reflects your own values. For example, in your family the husband can be treated like a king, the wife can be treated like a queen, and the children can be treated like princes and princesses. Each person can treat the others as if they are the most important people in the world. Even if you came from a family that was more like hell than heaven, you can make your own little version of heaven right here on earth--even alone in your own home and daily life.


Victor Frankl lived in worse conditions than hopefully any of us will ever be exposed to. He spent several years in Auschwitz and similar camps. Many "realists" would have said to Frankl that he had no hope. Yet Frankl chose to live. He considered death, but believed that life was too precious to give up so easily. He quoted Nietzsche,


"That which does not kill me makes me stronger."


Once he chose to live, then he chose to live life as positively as possible. He had few external routes to happiness available, so he focused upon internal routes. Victor Frankl developed a positive inner world to overcome the terrible external conditions at Auschwitz. He knew that he was creating mental images that were a fantasy. Yet spending hours each day creating thoughts and a complex and positive inner world made his life interesting and even enjoyable for much of his day.

This rich inner life helped him survive, and also allowed him to create a more positive world for others. He not only helped those in the death camp, but his books have helped millions more since then. What if he had given up instead?

Whose way was the most rational? The "realists," who focused on the reality of the terrible conditions in their environment and died--or Dr. Frankl who developed fantasies and survived. After the war, Dr. Frankl led a very successful and happy life. After the war, the "realists" were still dead.

If we look at the lives of the happiest people and the people who have had the biggest impacts on the world, we usually find that they were not "realists" in the sense that they saw only what was there in their world. Instead, they were dreamers who first created a mental image that was better than the image they saw in the external world.

Developing positive internal worlds not only gives us direction, but it gives us positive feelings and energy to move in that direction. Our positiveness and enthusiasm can also help motivate others. Even if we believe that we have little hope of ever making that image a reality, the image can still enrich our lives the way Victor Frankl's image enriched his.


Some major internal routes to happiness. Internal routes to happiness can include almost any mental activity--from appreciating a tree or enjoying music to contemplating life. We can learn new beliefs, skills, or habits which can dramatically affect our personal power and happiness. We have seen how making happiness a conscious top goal is important. Awareness that each choice we make affects our happiness is also important.

We have less control over our environment and people in our lives than over our own thoughts, actions, and emotions. Of these, the most important is our thoughts--for they have most control over our emotions and actions.





   In his book, The Pursuit of Happiness. Dr. David Myers reviewed a wealth of research about the causes of happiness. What were his conclusions?

So far, we identified things that matter surprisingly little. Happiness is similarly

available to those of any age, gender, race, location, education,

even to those with a tragic disability. We have pondered things that do matter--

physical fitness, renewing sleep and periodic solitude, traits such as

self-esteem, sense of personal control, optimism, and extroversion;

work and other activities that enhance our identity and absorb us into flow;

close, supportive friendships and marriages.

   Along the way, we have exposed falsehoods, most notably the idea that more money, and the pleasures and possessions it buys will make middle-class people happier.

   Dr. Myers also points out how important one’s more general beliefs--such as their religious beliefs--can be for determining happiness. He points out that evidence supports the idea that people who genuinely care for others and act altruistically are happier than people who are too self-centered. He quotes a Gallup survey that concluded “The highly spiritual were twice as likely to say they were ‘very happy.’”

   My own (and others; Howell & Howell, 2008) research has come to similar conclusions about income—our correlations were nearly zero with happiness in developed countries. Happiness is most determined by the cognitive factors described in this book--Internally Centered and Higher Self Values, Positive World View, Self-Worth and Self-Confidence, Internal Control, Good Emotional Coping, Self-Management Skills, and Assertive Interpersonal Skills. These factors were also strongly related to low depression, low anxiety, and low anger. They were also associated with good relationships and career success.[8] See Stevens, 2009, for detailed results—and keep reading this book.


Most of us fail to notice the obvious connection between our thoughts and our emotions. We make no attempt to discover or understand the hidden mental structures that generate those thoughts. Yet, these underlying mental structures are at the heart of our personal power and happiness. If you want to be happy--especially in the long run--explore and develop these important parts of yourself.

• Develop your HIGHER SELF--that part of yourself that unconditionally loves you and others.

•  Develop a POSITIVE WORLD VIEW. Learn to feel gratitude for all you are given, and learn to accept (feel calm about) all aspects of life--even the most frightening.


•  Develop your positive LIFE THEMES and ROLES--and learn to overcome old negative ones. Develop good role models, self-expectations, and goals for every role in your career, family, groups, or play.

•  Resolve inner conflicts--that underlie your daily negative emotions.

•  Create INNER WORLDS and PLANS--create visions in your mind as a first step toward creating both internal and external reality.

•  Learn, think, and problem-solve--keep expanding your mind. Involve it in interesting and challenging activities. Keep learning and growing in a variety of interest areas. Keep growing as a person. Optimal challenge and growth underlie happiness.

èEach of these above internal routes will be addressed in later chapters.


Life is a journey through time and space. In this journey, we are explorers, and each of us finds our own unique path. In our own private journeys we will visit many places--some happy and some not. Our goal is to learn, create, and be as happy as possible.

If we focus on continual learning and growth, we will increase our abilities to understand life, to harness our emotions, to enjoy our time alone, to develop intensely satisfying relationships, and to create productive careers. The traveler who not only travels--but learns about traveling--will not only live, but will live well. This traveler will become self-actualized.


No matter how self-actualized we may become, sometimes we will feel anxiety, depression, and anger. Those feelings are not bad. They are simply internal feedback that our inner subparts are out of harmony with themselves or their environment. These negative feelings are really opportunities for growth. They are telling us that our current approaches are not coping well, and it is time to learn a new way of thinking or a new route to happiness. Many of our greatest personal growth spurts occur because strong negative emotions help us focus on outdated beliefs or habits.

I frequently see clients who are growing rapidly because they were challenged by crises. We can face and overcome emotions such as anxiety, depression, or anger. The self-exploration and problem-solving methods described below are the same tools I use with myself and my clients almost daily to turn these negative emotions into growth.

Once we understand the causes of our emotions, then it is time to find new ways of coping with these causes. We can change our thinking and our actions. We have external and internal routes to happiness. External routes to happiness focus on our actions and the world outside our skin. Internal routes to happiness focus on mental means of achieving happiness. These mental means include examining our beliefs, our sensations and perceptions, our stream of thoughts, and all other internal phenomena to achieve more harmony and happiness. Some internal systems, such as the executive self and the Higher Self, are potentially centers of great power and control. These parts can attain direct control over our thoughts and actions (and will be topics in later chapters).


Do not get too attached to any one route to happiness. A client came to my office who had been extremely unhappy for more than two years. For the last year she had been in a relationship with a man whom she said did not treat her well, but she was "miserable with him and miserable without him." What had begun as a wonderful, exciting relationship with a man who fulfilled her dreams turned into a nightmare. Now, he was demanding, manipulative, and inconsiderate of her feelings.

When she would tell him she was leaving, he would use his gift of charm to get her back. “He made me feel so special. . .down deep I thought he had a kind heart and really loved me.” She wanted to believe that if she would hang in there long enough, he would change. Instead, he used her hope to keep her bonded to him. He had no intention of changing.

What was the essence of this bonding--this addiction to him? In her words, "Very early in the relationship we had a magic between us that I had only read about in books. It seemed like we were fated for each other." How could she fight fate? She had developed a powerful underlying belief that he was the only man she could ever be happy with. The belief that she had only this one route to happiness kept her locked into the relationship.

An important element of getting free of the relationship involved observing her own feelings. She began to keep a mental record of how she actually felt when she either thought about him or was with him. Most of the time she felt anxious, depressed, guilty, hurt, or angry! Not only was this man not her only route to a happy relationship, he was not any route to a happy relationship. Overcoming the belief that he was the "right," "fated," or "only" man for her opened the possibility that she could find happiness with someone else.

The story of this client illustrates an important lesson. Whenever we allow ourselves to believe that a certain person, object, career, home, lifestyle, or anything is the only route to happiness, then that belief alone will undermine our happiness. This belief in exclusivity makes us much more dependent upon that one route. Then, any threat to that one route will profoundly threaten our happiness--because we believe that that one route is our only route to happiness.

My wife and I love each other deeply and have a wonderful relationship that we hope will last forever. However--as happy as we are--we both know that if we lost each other, we could still be happy as individuals. Because, we both know that we can create many other routes to happiness. Otherwise, we could be consumed with fear of the other leaving or dying.


Finding and risking commitment to some routes is necessary to achieve happiness. I showed how some people become so committed to one happiness route that they become inflexible--even when they are miserable. However, other people make the opposite mistake--failing to commit to any route.

For example, I talk to many college students who keep taking classes and avoid facing a choice about what career they want. One client became a senior before he really got serious about researching and choosing a major. Then, he decided to major in business. If he had chosen business as a freshman, he would have been able to graduate in four years. However, choosing it as a senior meant that it would still take him three more years to graduate--the cost of not facing his anxiety.


Harmonious functioning is a state of healthy peak functioning of our mind and body. It represents being interested--even fascinated--with what we are doing. Being passionately involved in doing what we love causes us to lose track of time and become almost "at one" with what we are doing. We may experience this feeling in optimal moments of sports, sex, movies, conversation, reading, solving a problem, or some other form of work or play. These are moments we may remember as peak experiences in our life--not unlike the ones that Maslow's self-actualized people experienced.

Understanding what causes us to get in this state of "flow" or harmonious functioning can help us learn how to achieve that state more often and spend more of our time being interested and enjoying what we are doing. Learning how to achieve this state of peak performance, peak learning, and peak happiness will be a topic of later chapters. You will learn specific methods and routes to happiness for converting negative emotions to happiness.




Self-Exploration and Problem-Solving Skills


Choosing to be happy is not as easy as just saying to ourselves, "Be happy" that will magically happen. However, we can choose to be happy by choosing internal and external routes that will increase our probability of being happy. We can learn from others who have been successful leading happy and productive lives, and we can learn from our own experiences.


Simple, direct routes to happiness--are they too naive? I recently saw a book that consisted of a long list of several thousand things people could do to "make themselves happy." Listening to music, talking with a friend, riding a bike, and filling time with interesting activities increase happiness.

However, reading such a book leaves me with the question, "Why should anyone ever be unhappy?" If all we have to do is fill our time with positive thoughts and activities to be happy, then why is there so much unhappiness in the world?

Unfortunately, life is not so easy for most people. In order to meet basic needs, we must set goals and work hard. Even then, we still may not get what we want. It may be that we have no natural liking for the type of work we do. In the real world, most of us must deal with many unpleasant and demanding situations. We must deal with serious losses of money, relationships, or health. We may be bombarded by negative thoughts, conflict, or other unpleasant events. We must also deal with our own inner conflicts such as desire for work versus play, time for family versus earning a living, or independence versus pleasing others. Squeezing a few positive activities into a life full of unhappy times is not an adequate approach for filling our lives with happiness.

Using "stress reduction techniques" such as relaxation training, visualization, physical exercise, and repeating affirmations is another common approach suggested by many books. Using these techniques when we feel negative emotions can help us temporarily feel better. Building these positive activities into our normal daily or weekly schedule can help us feel better in general. I encourage the use of these techniques as a supplement to actually solving the problems that will more permanently help people feel better.

Another approach found in the literature is substituting positive thoughts for negative ones--looking at the glass as half-full instead of half-empty. That approach also has its merits. However, if one's underlying world view tends to predispose them to see the glass as half-empty, then repeating that it is half-full a thousand times will not really get them to see it as half-full. Simple substitution and repetition is not enough.

Most of the clients I see come in with problems that are not solved by stress-reduction techniques or even by substituting simple positive thoughts for negative ones. A client loses a loved one, a client is worried about getting a job, or a client feels her life is out of control. Do I tell them to breathe deeply or visualize peaceful scenes to solve these problems? Do I tell them to just think more positively? Of course not! If I did, they would probably feel like I didn't really understand their problem.


My clients may eventually find external routes to happiness. The first client may eventually find a new relationship, the second may find a good job, or the third may get control of her life. However, these solutions take time--possibly months or years. How can they get control of their emotions right now?

The answer is to use internal routes to happiness--to get mental control of the problem. The best way to get mental control is usually to look inside and find the deeper beliefs that are generating their worry. Then, they can find new perspectives that adequately address their deepest concerns--in ways they can honestly believe.

The client who lost a loved one may have to deal with issues of rejection, anger, guilt, self-worth, or how she can be happy living alone. The unemployed client may have to deal with basic career goals, lifestyle expectations, or self-worth. The depressed client may have to deal with her basic world view and view of herself as well as dealing with issues in each important life area that seems out of control. Once these clients solve their underlying issues, then they will not only overcome the current problem, they will have a new inner strength that will help them overcome happiness-threatening problems their entire life.

The first step in the process that solves the underlying problems is almost always self-exploration. It is a process I use with almost every client I see. It is a process that I almost always use on myself when I am upset. It is the only good way I know to get to the real heart of the problem.


Persistent self-exploration and growth can accomplish "miracles.” Recall that my Life Skills Questionnaire research found a correlation of .57 between how people cope with their negative reactions and happiness! We also found that making self-development part of one’s life style correlated .35 with happiness the past three years. By using this self-exploration/problem-solving approach persistently over time, we can accomplish what sometimes  appears to be a miracle. One client who was having severe panic attacks said that it would be a "miracle" if she even finished that first semester I saw her. Not only did she do that, but also she has graduated with excellent grades.

I have seen many people accomplish what they or others considered to be "miracles" in their own lives. I have seen shy clients who could barely talk to anyone become  confident, outgoing, and assertive. I have seen people with  serious alcohol and drug problems beat the habit and go on to new levels of living and continued growth that surpassed their peers. I have seen people terrified about being alone learn to love being alone. I have seen people who worked hard to make "D"s and "F"s in difficult subjects begin making "A"s and "B"s. I have seen people with serious "addictive relationship" patterns learn to find happiness alone and then go on to form happy, mature love relationships.

All of these clients who accomplished "miracles" had something in common. They all had locked within themselves the barriers to success and happiness. Yet they all also had locked within themselves the inner power that could overcome those barriers.


What if--whenever you got upset--you could call your own personal psychologist who understood you and always helped you feel better? What if, in addition, this personal psychologist charged no fees and was always available? You can have a psychologist like that.

One thing that both Freud and Maslow (and most psychologists) agreed about was that self-knowledge is a key to mental health. The process of self-exploration is a prerequisite to maximizing happiness and personal power.


From our point of view, Freud's greatest discovery is that the great cause

of much psychological illness is the fear of knowledge of oneself--

of one's emotions, impulses, memories, capacities, potentialities, of one's destiny.

(Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being, 1960, p. 57)


Fear of the inner monster--most of us fear looking too far inside. I used to be afraid to look too far inside. I was afraid of what I now call the inner monster. I didn't know what this inner monster was, but I was afraid that it was something dark and terrible--something I would be very ashamed of. But when I looked inside, I didn’t find a monster at all. I just found many interesting parts--a little boy, a baseball player, a scholar, a brother, a psychologist, a lover, a philosopher, and much more.

Many clients have the same sort of fears about looking inside. They are afraid of finding their own personal monster. They may fear that their basic nature is "selfish," "evil," "dirty," "weak," "stupid," "crazy," or "sick." However, after intensively exploring the inner cores of hundreds of clients, I have not found one monster!  Not one rotten person!

People don't find monsters--they find outdated or limited beliefs. When we find the causes of our problems, we don't find "sick" inner parts; we find old assumptions, old beliefs, old expectations, old commitments, or old goals that we now see as limited.

We feel excited about finally finding the inner causes of our problems, and we want to change these old parts of ourselves. The result of self-exploration is not horror at what we find, but relief that it is not nearly as bad as we feared. We find peace from discovering the truth. That relief gives way to enthusiasm as we open new life paths to explore.

If you fear finding inner monsters, you will feel anxiety whenever you look inside yourself or question some established belief. You can replace that outdated belief in inner monsters with a better metaphor.


“Solving the inner mystery” metaphor. I love to watch good mysteries. Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot is one of my favorite detectives. Sometimes, I think of psychotherapy as Poirot finding clues to discover "who dunnit."

Instead of thinking of self-exploration as a search for inner monsters, think of it in terms of your favorite discovery metaphor. Think of self-exploration as being the detective in an exciting mystery movie. Or, think of self-exploration as your being a scientist trying to discover a major new insight into human nature. Learn to replace those old fears of looking inward with a sense of adventure, curiosity, and excitement.


“Looking for buried treasure” metaphor. The process of self-exploration is not like looking for an inner monster, it's like looking for buried treasure. You may find inner roadblocks you didn't know about; but you will find at your core that you care about yourself and others. You will find you care about many higher values such as truth and beauty. You will find new sources of interest, competence, inner strength, and motivation. You will find that you have more potential for success and happiness than you ever realized.


If you've been afraid to look inside,

because you're afraid of finding an inner monster--

that's really sad.

Because your fear has kept you from finding what's really inside--

a beautiful, loving human being.


A few years ago, I had a dream longing to be back in graduate school. Once awake, I felt very confused. I couldn't understand why I would long to be back in graduate school; my life seemed so much better now--in almost every way. Why would I have such a strong feeling? It was a mystery to me.

I solved the mystery using my nonjudgmental inner observer. I used the same process I would use with a client--to follow my feelings to the underlying issues. Even though I was dubious of the longing feeling, I accepted that it was a real emotion, and I accepted that it must be connected to some real--but obviously hidden--underlying issue. My inner observer noticed two types of feelings--the longing feeling and a feeling of mild anger. The anger feeling seemed the easiest to identify.

When I focused on the anger, I free-associated. The thoughts and self-talk poured from the associations with anger. Part of me said things like "How could I be longing for graduate school when my life is so good now! When I was in graduate school, I was a poverty-stricken student and I know that I was not as happy as I am now!" This part of me felt somewhat threatened that the progress I had made in my life might not have mattered. However, after some exploration, I realized that most of my life was better, and I realized that these areas of progress were not the underlying issue.

Therefore, I decided to explore the longing feeling. Exploring the longing feeling was harder. I tried free association. I focused on the longing feeling to see what thoughts or images spontaneously appeared. What appeared were images of reading, talking with other students, and going to classes. Associated with them were good feelings. I was still confused about why these images appeared. I had been a psychologist for years, what could possibly be so positive about these old grad-school images?

I decided to try some mental experiments. I consciously generated images and observed my emotions. I focused on scenes from my grad-school days and scenes from my current professional life. I compared my emotional reactions in the old scenes to my emotional reactions in the present ones. For example, I compared how I spent a typical day as a graduate student to how I spent a typical day at work as a psychologist. As I imagined different parts of my day, I observed my emotional reactions. I noticed that the parts of being a student that felt so good were the parts concerned with learning new ideas. I loved to read about them, write about them, and discuss them with other students.

"Ah hah"--what a difference between my student days and my current days! I used to feel excited about learning new ideas and discussing them with others. Instead, I had become so involved in the process of counseling, teaching, writing, and program development (based upon ideas I already knew), that I had little time for learning new ideas. Some part of my brain that loves to learn new ideas was bored and had begun to generate dreams about graduate school--a time when it was happy.

My dream finally made sense. I had identified the underlying issue. My underlying value of learning and developing new ideas was being deprived. Once I identified the underlying issue, I began self-exploration of my subpart that was responsible for these feelings. I continued to let myself free associate and imagine situations where I had been happy learning and thinking about new ideas. I got more in touch with many memories where the common theme intuitively seemed the same.

That common theme was learning new ideas, organizing them in my mind, and writing or talking about them. I labeled this part of me my "inner scholar." This part of me had been active most of my life; I had always been curious and loved to learn about almost any new idea that seemed interesting.


So this one dream--with its strong associated feelings--had led me to get in touch with a part of myself that I had let drift into the background. But how had this happened? Why had this important part of me become so neglected?

I started looking for causes of the problem. My first tendency was to blame the problem on my job. After all, the administration wanted direct service to students and seemed to care little about professional development or writing. However, I realized that I needed to take responsibility for my scholarly activity myself, and do what was necessary to increase it.

The next stage was deciding on what route to happiness I would take. My new internal route to happiness was to start challenging my assumptions that had kept me from scholarly activity. I questioned the assumption that I couldn't find some scholarly activity that administrators would support. I also questioned my assumption that I needed their support--after all I could do it on my own time. I realized that my inner scholar was so important that I would give it more of my time and money resources and cut back in other life areas.

My new external route to happiness was to develop a plan to begin studying cognitive science and artificial intelligence. I decided to reduce my outside work, and consequently lower my income. However, overall I was a happier person--so the decision was a good one. To my surprise, I even received support from the administration. Since that time, I have nurtured my inner scholar. It enriches my life, my happiness, and my productivity. This book is partly a result of that continued effort.

So, the self-exploration process that started with that one dream rekindled a part of me that has had a major impact on my life since. This self-exploration also released a powerful, natural motivation to spend the many hours required to pursue my scholarly goals. The payoff has been bountiful--for my own happiness and for the benefit of others.


PRACTICE: Explore a complex problem. Think of a problem. You can start with an emotion you feel too often--such as anger, anxiety, or depression. Or, you can start with a problem in some area of your life--such as people, career, financial, or health. Or, you can start with a habit you want to change. Apply each of the following six steps of the self-exploration process to better understand the internal causes of the problem; or, wait until you have read the seven steps once. Then apply them to your problem.



Learn the STEPS to Finding Underlying, Internal Causes


My graduate school dream example illustrated the self-exploration method. The self-exploration method includes some of the most essential skills involved in therapy and self-development. In future chapters I will frequently refer back to this self-exploration process. If you learn it well and use it regularly, your rewards will be great!


For novices and experts.[9] How much training or experience have you had exploring your inner being?  Learning to do self-exploration well requires a great deal of skill and experience. If you are new at this, it may appear as if I am providing too much detail. In your case, it is better to focus on the major steps and the bigger ideas and skim the detail for now. After you have practiced self-exploration for a while, reread this section and concentrate on the details.

If you are an advanced self-explorer, some information may appear too basic. Instead, focus on fine-tuning your skills. Reaching an expert level of self-exploration is essential for maximizing your happiness, and reaching that level takes experience. You will not be able to read this chapter once and find--overnight--that you can solve all your problems. You will need to use it like you use a pair of glasses. Every time you need to deal with a more complex problem or emotion, you need to put on your new self-exploration glasses and look inside.

Self-exploration is only the first step. Once you explore old parts of yourself that need changing, you will need specific methods for fixing those problems. You will need new ways of dealing with those underlying issues. In other chapters we will focus on many of the underlying issues that you might discover--issues like having a negative world view, having low self-esteem, being too externally controlled, having dysfunctional expectations and beliefs, having poor coping skills, or being too nonassertive.

Read now or later? If you are an expert self-explorer or you just want to skip the detailed explanation now, you can skim the rest of this chapter and proceed to Chapter 3. You can return to this section later. However, I urge you to return, because this is a critical skill for discovering the roots to unhappiness and new foundations for happiness.

Step 1: WARM UP YOUR INNER OBSERVER—Get in the right frame of mind

Before you begin looking at a problem, it is important to get the right mental set. If you feel any anxiety about looking inside or questioning some cherished belief, remember your discovery metaphor. You are not afraid of the truth.  You are Hercule Poirot, a psychologist, or a seeker of buried treasure. The truth will eventually give you peace and set you free!


Let your inner observer watch inner events neutrally--just recording data. Hercule Poirot must look at the facts dispassionately as a scientist would--both are searching for the raw, uncolored truth. You cannot understand and solve the problem unless you can observe the raw data from your senses and emotions as clearly as possible--with a minimum of interference from thoughts that want to filter it, interpret it, and judge it. You must suspend these higher interpretive thought processes until you get all the facts. If you start drawing conclusions prematurely, you may bias your perception to fit your preconceived views.

Self-exploration involves developing a subpart of you that becomes a neutral, nonjudgmental observer. It can observe the most positive or negative thoughts, feelings, actions, or events dispassionately. To get in the right frame of mind pretend that you are a neutral observer sent from another planet to unobtrusively study the people of earth. Or pretend that you are watching a movie and know that what is happening is not real. This inner neutral observer can learn to observe events as if none of the events will affect it at all.

Neutral observing may sound easy, but it is one of the most difficult aspects of the self-exploration process. How often have you simply observed your own sensations, thoughts, and feelings for even five minutes without interpreting them, getting strong emotional reactions, or jumping to conclusions?  People attempting to learn meditation may take weeks before they can focus inward peacefully for five minutes.


Notice the difference between different sensations, thoughts, emotions, and actions. Everything in your consciousness is either a sensation, a thought, or an emotion. Thoughts consist of images, words, and their relationships. Even external events are not directly accessible to your consciousness--only your sensations from those events are. Your inner observer must know that sensations are distinct from external world events. Your inner observer must know that your sensations and perceptions can be strongly affected by your preconceptions and biases.


Let your nonjudgmental inner observer use neutral, nonjudgmental language as it talks. Some part of you (not your inner observer) might be judging someone--calling them "stupid" or "bad." During the first part of the self-exploration stage, don't let your inner observer change that judgmental part or change the language it is using. It will only observe the language and its effects on your other thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Your inner observer may notice that condemning someone increases negative thoughts, increases anger, and increases aggressive actions. The reaction of your neutral observer is not to condemn, it is, "That's interesting--perhaps there is a causal relationship between my judgments, my anger, and my aggressive responses."

As your inner observer talks about what it is observing, it is important that it use descriptive, nonjudgmental language. If it falls into a judgmental mode, then it will lose its power to be an accurate observer.


Let your nonjudgmental inner-observer avoid zingers and melodramatic descriptions. Zingers are key words that incite emotional reactions. They can disrupt thinking from a "just getting the facts" mode to an "I need to react" mode. At times when you are observing yourself, you will undoubtedly be tempted to think thoughts like, "That was stupid, why did I do that?” But beware of such temptations. Innuendos, digs, subtle put-downs, and defensive comments all stir up parts of us that are anything but neutral--so avoid observational zingers of any type!

Melodramatic language incites emotional reactions. If you want an emotional reaction from someone (including yourself), then you may be tempted to exaggerate or overdramatize a situation. The problem is if you exaggerate the situation, then it also gives you a message that the problem is larger than it really is. It may also give a message that you view yourself as too weak to meet the challenge. This kind of dishonest communication is the opposite of what your inner observer is striving for.


Let your inner observer "rise above" emotions and not get caught up in them. Recall a time when you got really upset and got totally lost in the emotion and experience. In that experience, you had tunnel-vision. You lost all perspective that anything else exists. You probably felt as if the emotion was totally outside of your control. In this case your neutral observer was not engaged.

In contrast to this experience--try to think of a time when your neutral observer was engaged. Haven't you ever experienced one part of yourself dispassionately observing another part as the second part gets upset? Perhaps the experience felt a little strange, sort of like an "out of body" experience. But it is this dual processing state that you must achieve with your inner observer to accurately observe what is causing your emotional reactions. To achieve this dual processing state take turns focusing on your inner observer and letting the upset part act naturally until it’s finished with the episode.


PRACTICE: Right now try closing your eyes and with your "inner eye" try observing all of your bodily sensations, your emotions, and your thoughts. Try just observing them without controlling them or judging them. Especially pay attention to sequences and patterns of internal events. As you feel emotions, notice them and label them; but during the self-exploration stage do not attempt to change them. Observe any correlation between your emotions and thoughts.


Look for Sequences and Patterns. Think about times when the problem occurs. Look for sequences of events. When did the problem start? What was the order and timing of events?

Look for patterns of events. What else was happening about then that might be related? List situations when the problem occurs and situations when it does not. Think of as many situations as you can and be as specific as you can in recalling all of the events.


Nonjudgmental observe each situation in depth. Listed below are some additional questions I use when gathering the "raw data" for helping clients find the causes of their problems. Use these yourself during self-exploration. For more complex problems explore the entire history of the problem--even dating back to childhood.

• When did the problem begin and what conditions immediately preceded that beginning?

• Compare situations it does and doesn't occur in. How are the situations it occurs in similar to each other? How are these situations different from situations where it does not occur? What if you discover that a person is normally not depressed with other people, but is often depressed alone? You might suspect that the cause of the depression has something to do with loneliness, lack of being able to "entertain" his or herself, or some other condition associated with being alone.

• What events regularly precede the target thoughts or actions?  This will help identify what some of the immediate causes are to the actions or thoughts which we are trying to understand. People often overlook the most obvious causes. Important antecedent causes of the problem thought or action can include the place, the time-of-day, a negative comment, a loss, or a situation you've never faced before are all examples of events that might precede a problem.

•  Check the environment--any temptations or distractions? Often students complain because they can't concentrate on their studies. Yet often in their study environment, the TV is playing, people are constantly interrupting them, or they have chores to do. Most students cannot concentrate in this environment because of all the distracting stimuli. In this case, finding a new study place or making agreements and being firm about people leaving them alone when they have a "Do not disturb--I'm studying" sign hanging on their door can really help. Understanding which external stimuli and events are affecting your feelings is an important step to finding possible solutions.

• What events regularly follow the target thoughts or actions? The reason that consequent events are so important is that they may be reinforcing the target thoughts or actions. When children throw temper tantrums, some parents give the child what the child wants. It seems to work beautifully; the child stops crying immediately. Both parent and child are now happy.   However, why is it that this child turns into a terrible brat who is always throwing temper tantrums? And why is it that the parents keep giving in to these tantrums?

      The answer is that both parent and child are being reinforced regularly for their behaviors and reinforcement tends to increase the strength of habits. The child is being reinforced for the tantrum by the parent; the parent gives the child what the child wants. Similarly, the parent is being reinforced for giving in by the child--the child immediately stops crying and thus gives the parents what they want.

      How do the parents break this cycle?  First they must completely stop reinforcing the tantrums. In order to speed the process they can also use some sort of punishment following the tantrums (to decrease the strength of the habit). Even though there might be a temporary increase in crying--that is a signal to the parents that the child does not like the intended punishment. Punishments are not supposed to be liked. If they are liked, then they are reinforcements--not punishments.


Our emotions are like the warning lights or gauges in our cars. Our car gauges tell us what is right or wrong with important inner parts of our car such as the oil pressure, the generating system, or the engine temperature. If the oil light comes on and we don't stop immediately, we can burn up the engine in our car.

In a similar way our emotions tell us about aspects of our lives that are important to us. Some important inner value, expectation, goal, or belief may be threatened and we might not be aware of it at a conscious level. However, some inner part of us is aware of the problem and it speaks to us though our emotions. Therefore, to locate the cause of the problem, we need to follow our emotions.


Emotions are the CLUES we follow to find the solution to the mystery.


(1)  Identify the types and intensity of emotions involved. Many people have difficulty identifying emotions. You may experience an emotion like anxiety as bodily sensations--tightening of your chest, pain in your stomach, rapid breathing and heart rate, and excess perspiration. You can also observe which sensations, thoughts, or actions precede or follow an emotion. From these careful observations, you can find the emotion's causes.

Don't confuse emotions with sensations, intuition, or thoughts. People often confuse other internal events with emotions. They use the word "feel" to mean many things besides emotions. For example, there is the old joke about the woman in her tenth marriage getting out of bed and saying, "What a beautiful day, I feel like a new man today!"

Many people confuse thoughts, intuition, or "hunches" with emotions. "I feel like something bad is going to happen" is an intuitive prediction--not an emotion. Does the person mean that he feels sad because he thinks something bad is about to happen? This distinction may seem picky to some, but it can make a major difference. Anger, anxiety, and depression have different causes and different solutions.


(2) Follow the strongest emotions to the underlying issues (versus avoiding them). It feels bad to focus on unpleasant emotions, and most people have learned to avoid negative emotions--not actively pursue them. [10]

The self-exploration process is the  opposite of avoidance behavior. It causes us to look down the barrel at our most feared emotions and underlying issues so that we can solve the underlying problems--not just cover them up with temporary patches.

Pretend you are playing the old children's game in which you are blindfolded and your goal is to find a hidden object. If you get farther from the object the other kids shout, "You're getting colder." If you are getting closer, they shout, "You're getting hotter."

The COLDER the emotion,

the FURTHER from the underlying cause of the emotion,

the HOTTER the emotion, the CLOSER to the source of the fire.

If you can stand the heat, you can control the fire.




   After many years of research, experts in the field still have not agreed on any one classification system. However, it is generally agreed that anger, anxiety, and depression are basic negative emotions--and they are the most widely studied emotions.

   Many laymen confuse the emotions of depression or anxiety with diagnostic categories of clinical depression or clinical anxiety disorders. The clinical syndromes are marked by extensive, prolonged, intense periods of the particular emotion. Often people have had recurring  problems with unusually high amounts of the emotion for many years. But, depression and anxiety are normal emotions that almost everyone feels at least small amounts of every day. Even people feeling intense emotions for awhile are not necessarily clinically anxious or depressed.

   I classify all unpleasant or negative emotions as either some form of anxiety,  depression, or anger. (See harmonious functioning chapter for more explanation.)  Anxiety includes subcategories of fear, guilt, stress, confusion, nervousness. Anger includes resentment, irritation, frustration,  and rage. Depression includes boredom, loneliness, apathy, (some) tiredness, sadness, and grief.

   There is even less agreement about a classification system for positive emotions. But I use the word happiness to refer to what I believe is the most basic positive emotion. I think that it is inseparably intertwined with its variations of love, caring, liking, joy, peace, excitement, and ecstasy.

   The positive and negative emotions are related, but are like opposite ends of a spectrum. It is impossible to feel anger, anxiety, or depression and joy at the same instant. They each have their turn, depending on what our state of mind is at any one instant in time.


What thoughts or mental images pop into your mind as you focus on the target emotions? These pop-up associations are not just chance events.  They are often very important. The mistake most laymen make is that they do not realize that these associated thoughts are not just coincidences--they are conditioned associations and causally connected to the emotions and the problem. Therefore, following these associations can often lead to other associations that are the underlying causes of the target problem.


(1) Focus on words, images, or ideas that create the strongest emotional responses. As you think about the target situations, your emotions will vary both in type and in strength. As they vary, notice the exact image, thought, or sensation that was associated with the strongest emotions--especially the target emotion. If depression is the target emotion and if you suddenly feel a small increase in depression, then what internal event just preceded the onset of that small increase? Answering that question may provide a valuable clue to an underlying cause.


(2) Identify thoughts that regularly precede the target emotion. Even if a particular internal event precedes a target emotion only once, it may be important. However, when you notice that a particular type of internal event regularly precedes the target emotion, then you are really getting hot. Examples of common causes of some negative emotions follow.

      Anxiety: Anxiety is caused by uncertainty about important values and goals. Examples: Uncertainty about being liked, about getting a job, about people's opinions, about finances, about deadlines, or about your expectations being met.

Anger: Anger usually results from not accepting some loss or potential loss. The higher the stakes, the more the anger is directed at the perceived cause of the problem. A person may generate anger for power to overcome the perceived barrier. Examples: Not accepting an interruption or negative event, thinking someone wants to hurt you or is being unfair to you, or being injured and wanting to "get even."

Depression: While both anxiety and anger are states of high arousal, depression is generally a state of low arousal characterized by goalessness, loss, and lack of challenge. The person may have "given up" or be experiencing a lack of values satisfaction or reward. Examples:  Loss of a loved one or job, a perceived or anticipated failure experience, not having anything interesting to do, or being alone. Depression may even come after successfully meeting goals, when suddenly goals are lacking.

Chapter 8 will focus on overcoming anxiety, anger, and depression.


(3) Conduct inner experiments with your emotions--what makes them go UP and DOWN? Test different words, images, and ideas to see if they will evoke even stronger emotions. You can learn what causes your emotions to vary by consciously varying your thoughts and watching the corresponding changes in your emotions. Consciously focus on beautiful music or a beautiful ocean scene and observe your emotions. Then consciously focus on scenes of serious illness, famine, or death. Compare your emotional reactions. Also, notice how rapidly they can change as you alter your focus.

While clients are feeling very depressed in therapy and are focusing on how helpless they feel, I often ask them to think of a time when they were depressed and were able to get themselves out of the depression. They suddenly appear more alert, active, and energetic. They immediately begin to feel better.

Then I ask them to compare how they felt when they were talking about how helpless they felt versus how they felt when they were talking about how they could cope with their depression. They realize that when they focus on what they cannot do and focus on what is out of their control, they feel worse. But as soon as they focus on constructive problem-solving and focus on what they can control, they feel better. From this simple mental experiment, they discover one cause and one treatment of their depression.


(4) Use free association techniques--follow thoughts, memories, and images. One powerful way to dig up underlying issues is by using free association techniques. Let your inner observer just watch the chain of connections between different mental events.

I explored my dream about graduate school using free association--to get to the underlying cause of my "longing" feelings. I am not normally someone who spends much time exploring dreams. However, that one had strong feelings associated with it and I felt confused. I kept free-associating and got in touch with many old memories. I then focused on the feelings associated with these old memories.

Memories of talking with other students, reading, listening to certain professors, and writing were popping into my mind. I began to see that the common theme was that I was thinking about interesting new ideas.



(5) Search your memory for similar situations where you do feel the target emotion. A client couldn't understand why she got so angry at her significant other for being late. I asked her to think of other situations when she got angry at him. She was angry about his nagging her to "hurry up" whenever they went out, about his always getting his way about what activities they did together, and about several other situations.

What did all of these situations have in common (besides her angry reaction)?  She felt controlled. She thought that he always wanted her to be on his schedule and do whatever he wanted. The underlying issue was control--she was angry because she was allowing him to control her time and activities.


(6) Compare them to situations where you don't feel the target emotion. Ask yourself why you feel the target emotion in the first set of situations and don't in the second set. What are the key differences in the sets of situations? These differences may help you understand the deeper causes of your emotions.

In the above example, my client did not feel angry in situations when her significant other listened to her or did what she requested. She also did not feel angry if she told him what she wanted--even if he did not ask. That puzzled her at first. After all, he was not being any nicer. She realized that the underlying issue was not as much his behavior as it was her believing she had adequate control in mutual decisions. She had adequate control either if he asked what she wanted or if she asserted herself.


(7) Keep asking yourself, "What am I MOST afraid of?" Another version of that question is, "What is the WORST thing that can happen?" These questions can help you unlock mysteries that may have haunted you for years.

Our underlying fears drive much of our anxiety, depression, and anger. Discovering, facing, and overcoming our worst fears will solve most problems!  I have seen many clients with underlying fears that have been the root of their unhappiness for years. When they finally face these fears, their lives are often transformed--at least in that one area. It is sad that they had been living at less than their potential for so many years--when confronting these fears could have set them free. Is this happening to you in some important life area now?

In the short-run, facing your greatest fears may take time and be painful; however, in the long-run, avoiding them, covering them up, rationalizing them, or blaming others produces far more pain.


As you use the preceding steps, you will begin to uncover the underlying issues and subparts that are causing problems. When you discover an underlying issue, a little light comes on in your head. Your emotions, such as relief or joy, tell you that you have made an important insight.


What are underlying causes like? At this point you still may not know what you are looking for. You may not know what I mean when I say search for underlying issues or for underlying parts of yourself.

Underlying causes include important values, beliefs, and belief systems. These mental systems are the source of our personality, motivation, and daily habits--they remain partially hidden or "unconscious." They produce the thoughts and emotions you have been exploring up to this point. By following the river of thoughts and emotions upstream, you can find their source--the underlying mental structures.


Characteristics of these deeper structures. These mental, cognitive systems will be discussed in more depth in later chapters. However, for now, remember that you can tell when you have found them by looking for issues, beliefs, conflicts, expectations, assumptions, values, goals, plans, etc. that have some of the following characteristics.

• More general and abstract. Example: Who is in control in overall [more general] versus who gets their way right now [more specific].

• Apply to a wide range of situations. Example: The person is usually late, not late just this one time.

• Related to major life themes, life roles, or life areas. Examples: "Living the good life," "Being an honest and ethical person," or related to career, family, health.

• Related to major commitments or decisions. Examples: Marriage, family, owning a house, an organization, or a career.

• Important to your identity--your self-image or self-esteem.


As you use the methods in step 4 to make connections between emotions and underlying thoughts, go one step further--keep looking at the big picture. What are the more global, bigger issues or parts of yourself that are attached to these specific thoughts that keep popping up? Some of the following questions can help.


(1) What do the causal, surface thoughts have in common?

• In what way are thoughts preceding the problem alike?

• How are they different from thoughts that seem to reduce the problem? Notice the content of the thoughts and the underlying issues.

      One client came in for serious episodes of depression. She said that her biggest problem was loneliness. She made a lot of statements like those that follow. What common themes do these statements have?

"I'm always doing favors for my friends; but when I ask them for a favor, they always have some excuse." "I study harder than almost anyone I know, but I only make average grades." "I did everything I could to please my boyfriend; but in the end he said I was too needy."

One theme was a theme of rejection, or more broadly a theme of failure--"I try so hard, but in the end I fail." Since this theme occurred across most of her life areas, it is no wonder that she often felt severely depressed. Changing her expectations and getting more control of her life--one area at a time and in general--were strategies that helped her overcome her depression.


(2) Ask yourself, "WHY?" or 'WHAT AM I ASSUMING?"  These probing questions are often a direct pipeline to underlying assumptions and beliefs. When I ask, "Why?" I don't mean that you should give an explanation following the rules of logic. I mean it in the same sense that you would ask a five-year-old child, "Why did you hit your brother?" You want to learn about the child's underlying reasoning and motives. Maybe the child says that his brother took his toy, and therefore he hit him. He assumes that hitting is a proper response to the taking of toys. These underlying assumptions are often the problem.


(3) What common THEMES recur across different situations?  A client was feeling very unhappy about her relationship with her fiancé, but she could not figure out why. She said she had begun to notice an increased feeling of "distance." I suggested that she might really mean "mild anger" by the word distance, and she agreed. I asked her to think of some situations where she felt the most distance.

First, she described several situations where she had stated her opinion and he had responded by either disagreeing, making fun of it, or acting as if it were unimportant. In turn she usually felt hurt or inadequate. Inside, she questioned her own intelligence and judgment. This was an important issue in itself, but it was not the end.

She also felt distance in other situations where he seemed to out talk her to get his way. When they disagreed about something really important to him, he tended to become domineering and pay little attention to what she wanted. His domination and her nonassertiveness were the themes that seemed common to all of the situations where she felt distance. He seemed to give much higher priority to his own beliefs and wants than he did to hers. Frequently, she gave a higher priority to his beliefs and wants as well!

Once we identified the problem, we could focus on the parts of her and him that led to his domineering behavior and her nonassertive behavior. For example, she had a part of her that almost always played the role of a "nice, obedient girl" who would always try to please other people and make them happy--even at great cost to her own happiness. She believed that she needed to play this role to be accepted by her parents and friends. Her inner observer explored her "nice, obedient girl" beliefs. Once she understood how these beliefs allowed her to be manipulated, she chose new, more assertive beliefs.

When she found herself falling back into the obedience role, she reminded herself that she could be both nice and assertive. "I love my partner and want to support his happiness; but I am the one responsible for my own happiness, and I love myself enough to take good care of myself. That is more important than being obedient and worrying about what others think all the time."


Clarifying boundaries of control and responsibility is a primary stage of solving emotional issues. Often clarifying these boundaries, control, or responsibility issues will immediately solve the problem and we will suddenly feel much better.


We may start by focusing on external causes and problems. We may start trying to solve a problem with the assumption that the source of the problem is external. By external I mean roughly outside of the skin. My low-assertive client had started with the assumption that the source of her unhappiness was a problem with her relationship or fiancé. In fact important external aspects of the problem may need to be solved, but they are never the entire problem. The link between those external events and our emotions lies inside. We can only change our own thoughts and behavior. The rest of the world is less in our control, but our choices about that world are important and will affect it. My client could not change her boyfriend (at least not directly), she could only change herself and how she deals with him.


We may assume that others are causing our negative feelings and deny responsibility. At one stage of solving the problem, my client with the dominating fiancé' was focusing on what he had done to contribute to the problem--she was ignoring her contribution. Often when people reach this stage of externalizing the problem or blaming it all on others, their friends will agree with them to "support" them. Her friends had made statements like, "Yeah, aren't men bastards," "He's not good enough for you," "You poor thing, you tried so hard." These statements aren't helpful. They just keep the problem externalized. They assign all of the cause, control, and responsibility to the other person(s).

My client's friends wanted to help, but they were giving my client a strong message that she was weak and had no control. If her fiancé was totally responsible, then the implication is that she was helpless--and must be a weak person. He didn't hypnotize her or cast a spell over her. In fact, she had many assertive options that she could have made to his dominating behavior.

She had unwittingly allowed herself to be manipulated in the past. Knowing that she had allowed herself to be manipulated motivated her to learn new assertiveness skills.


We are only responsible for what we can control--our own thoughts, actions, and feelings. If some outside event beyond my control is causing me to feel upset, then I am helpless. But I reject this assumption that any outside forces directly control my emotions. My mind directly controls my emotions--not outside forces.

I know that no matter how bad the external situation is, I can have enough control over my emotions to feel happy most of the time. If Victor Frankl can get control in a concentration camp, then we can potentially get control in our most difficult situations.

Using the same reasoning, I cannot control another person's thoughts, actions, or feelings. Therefore, I am not responsible for their thoughts, actions, or feelings. My client was not responsible for changing her fiancé's domineering behavior. She was only responsible for herself and choosing how to deal with her unhappiness with this situation.


PRACTICE: Explore a complex problem. If you did not apply the six self-exploration steps to solving a problem as you read this section, go back to the last "PRACTICE," think of a problem, and apply the seven self-exploration steps to understanding its inner causes. Then read the following.


Obvious solutions. Sometimes, when an underlying problem has been identified, you will find a solution that seems obvious. Plan it and do it.

Reframing. Many times you will discover a negative or dysfunctional belief underlying your negative emotions.  Using more positive, yet honest ways of looking at the problem can often solve the problem.  Often these positive beliefs are more general-abstract ideas that come from your Higher Self or positive philosophy. In therapy I have found reframing has powerful, often instant effects. Example: Not, “I failed.” Instead, “I have learned an important lesson.”

Other problems and solutions. At other times, you may say to yourself, "Now I know what the problem is, but what can I do about it?"  Before writing this book, I made a list of the most common issues underlying most problems presented to me by my hundreds of clients. These chapters are organized around most of these issues. If you use the self-exploration process and uncover a problem, you will find the tools for solving many of life's basic issues in these chapters. You will find many tools for converting negative emotions into happiness. Think of this book as your happiness toolbox. Later, use it as a reference book.

Use the following table to locate chapters that can help you with a particular type of problem. Remember, behind many of these problems are underlying issues  affecting your happiness in many situations. Solving one may solve many.



Reference for coping with some life problems


Problems with:                                 Go to chapter:

1.Confusion, conflict, lack of direction or meaning to life        1, 2, 3, 4, 8

2.Pessimism, stressful events, or a negative world view                4, 3

3.Self-esteem, self-confidence, or negative self-talk                5

4.External control, dependency, non-assertiveness                 6

5.Anxiety, anger, depression, or any negative emotion          7,8, 2, Appendix

6..Accomplishing goals, time-management, achievement             9

7..Relationships, intimacy, or communication                 6, 3, 5, 4, Appendix

8.Making decisions and solving problems                        2, 6






Our emotions are like warning gauges on our cars;

they report the condition of our mental states.

Negative emotions tell us of these inner problems.

Yet so often we treat these negative emotions as if they were enemies--

instead of friends.

If we are to find happiness,

we must not avoid these helpful beacons of light

from our innermost selves.

Instead, we must follow our strongest emotions

to get to the source of the problems or conflicts.

Using the self-exploration/problem-solving method

can transform conflicts and confusion into inner harmony.

It is at the heart of all good psychotherapeutic approaches.

We can learn to be our own therapists

and effectively solve most problems ourselves.

Knowing that there are many routes to happiness (in any situation)

gives us peace of mind and inner power.

Then, we can choose to be happy

by choosing the best ultimate concern, top values, and goals and

by choosing good internal and external routes to happiness.












Many people (including many psychologists) either believe that radical personality changes can't happen at all or believe that they take a tremendous amount of time and effort to achieve. They believe that years of therapy are required. Personality change, as measured by most personality tests, usually takes awhile.

Yet, how do you explain someone deeply involved with drugs and the drug culture who suddenly stops taking drugs; stops stealing; seeks help; gets an honest job that pays far less than dealing drugs; leaves his old friends and lifestyle behind; and becomes more open, honest, and caring toward others?

How can all of these changes occur almost overnight? I have known many people who have made such radical changes. There are many documented cases of people making profound changes in their identity, their values, their goals, and their behavior as the result of one experience.

Often the people making these changes refer to these experiences as conversion experiences. Some people describe them as finding a new direction in life, or achieving some basic insight that helped them change their entire life. In my own life, I would compare my teenage experience of choosing happiness over success to a conversion experience. In some respects, the key to my change was simple. I suddenly understood that people's personal happiness and well-being were more important than any type of success, "being number one," money, being popular, pleasing other people, or anything else.

In other respects the insight was much more complex. I had been thinking about parts of this bigger concept for several months. However, until the time I got the right insight and made a decision to live by it, my overall thoughts and actions barely changed. I thought about the many implications of this new insight. I wrote a list of guidelines called "How to Be Happy" for living by this new philosophy.

As I began to contemplate actual commitment to a new way of life, I felt a great deal of anxiety about choosing something so radically different from everything I had learned. I feared that I might be wrong. On the other hand, I felt excited by the possibilities of making happiness for self and others my most important goal. I decided to make an experiment out of it. I would try living by that new philosophy for a while.

I feared that I might not persist living by these guidelines. I feared looking back in a few years and saying, "I forgot to be true to these insights." But since that time--more than 50 years ago--I have generally made decisions consistent with that original commitment. Without that "conversion" experience, I wouldn't have become a psychologist; and I wouldn't have had a life filled with so much peace and joy.


I have been fascinated by people who have made radical changes in their lives. When I meet such people, I find out all I can about what caused them to make these dramatic changes. I have interviewed dozens of these people and have been amazed at the similarity of their reports. Almost all of my interviewees can point to a brief time period--often the exact day or hour--when they believe they made some new commitment to change. Another similarity was that they made this new commitment the most important value in their lives. It became like Tillich's ultimate concern.

One woman, Ann, had weighed more than 300 pounds for years. She had tried everything--including surgical removal of fatty tissue. Ann had lost large amounts of weight on numerous occasions. However, she had always regained her weight. The way she described her previous state of mind is that she always knew in the back of her mind that enjoying food was more important than being healthy and trim. Inside, Ann knew she wouldn’t lose weight.

"Then, one day I just decided to make being healthy and slim the most important thing in my life." Ann thought about the implications in terms of her daily habits and decisions. She thought about the potential problems of making her own health and weight loss number one. Each time she thought of a situation where she knew she would have a problem, she would consciously decide in her imagination to accept the implications of her new commitment.

Her first major test came that week. Ann's best friend, Carrie, invited Ann over for one of her special dinners. Carrie was also  obese, and she loved to cook huge meals with thousands of calories as a special gift to Ann. Carrie was very sensitive and would feel extremely hurt if Ann didn't eat everything that she worked so hard to prepare.

Ann was terrified of hurting Carrie's feelings and losing her as a friend. Yet, she faced her worst fears and told herself, "Being healthy and losing weight is the most important thing in the world to me right now. If necessary, I am even willing to give up my best friend."  Once she passed that test, one of her biggest barriers had been overcome--her fear of rejection. It took her about two years to get down to 140 pounds. Fifteen years later she had never allowed herself to get over 145.

The center of radical change--a decision for a new Ultimate Concern

I have interviewed two other women who lost more than 200 pounds and kept their weight down permanently. Their stories were similar to Ann's. One woman said, "I started losing when I decided to face the truth about my problems and decided to care for myself more than I cared about what others thought of me." Every one of the dozens of people making radical lifestyle changes has chosen a new set of values, priorities, or view of life. Their new commitments consistently placed more value on people’s health and happiness.




Many people eventually choose health- and happiness-enhancing beliefs over more destructive ones. Why do they suddenly make those choices after years of not making them? Why is it that some people continue to choose the destructive beliefs? I will examine three different types of mind systems as potential guides for making decisions--(1) pleasure and pain (from the lower brain centers), (2) reason and emotion (from the cognitive system), and (3) empathy and love (from the Higher Self).

Even though our bodies and minds have amazing powers--those powers do not guarantee that we will find--or even consciously seek--health and happiness. I will discuss two types of limits--the limits on the pleasure principle and the limits on the cognitive system. How could the Higher Self overcome these limits?



We have seen how pleasure is different from happiness, yet we often use pleasure and pain as decision guides in everyday affairs. Let’s examine pleasure and pain as decision guides.


Pleasure provides valuable feedback about bodily needs, but is limited as a decision guide. Pleasure and pain are potent messages our lower brain centers use to tell us about our bodily needs. They tell us when our cells need water, food, heat, cold, oxygen, stimulation, and the like. If we ignore these messages, we will undermine our own health and ultimately our happiness. It is important to listen to our bodies. Feeling pleasure and avoiding pain are important ways we can increase our health and happiness.

However, as Freud and many philosophers have pointed out, living strictly by the pleasure principle--getting the most pleasure you can from the present moment--is shortsighted. In the long run, ironically, it usually leads to a life filled with pain. We know that if we spend all our resources for pleasure now, we may not have any left for pleasure tomorrow.

Freud contrasted the pleasure principle with the reality principle. The reality principle understands that to maximize pleasure over a longer period of time, it is often wise to undergo some pain in the short run. Many college students sacrifice their time and endure poverty in order to have a happier career and life later. We are all familiar with these ideas. So is our cognitive system. Most philosophers and religions view the ability to delay gratification (when wise) as an important way that we can increase our overall happiness for self and others.


Our cognitive system surely evolved because creatures living by the reality principle had survival advantages over those living only by the pleasure principle. A central function of the cognitive system is to look at the external and internal environments from a broader perspective. The cognitive system provided intelligence to store food for times of famine, suffer hardship in order to build a home for protection, and give up some individual freedom for group security. In the long-run pleasure will probably be increased. The emotions--not the pleasures--tell how our cognitive system is doing. If our cognitive system believes that all our concerns will be met, then it will be happy.


The cognitive system and emotions simultaneously monitor many concerns.  The cognitive system cannot help but care about the future and care about all its subparts' desires. By "design," the only way that our cognitive system can have harmony within itself is by having adequate plans for what it believes will happen in the future. Our cognitive system is biologically "wired" to produce anxiety when it is uncertain about need satisfaction in the future. Our happiness directly reflects harmony within the cognitive system, we cannot be happy unless we have adequate plans for meeting our perceived future needs and values.

It is impossible for anyone living exclusively by the pleasure principle to be happy for long! The short-sighted hedonist may feel a lot of pleasure now, but part of him is constantly worried about the future. Many people with addictions live by hedonism. They focus on pleasure today; but eat, drink, or take drugs to avoid worrying about the future. The cost is nagging guilt and worry. Instead of facing their problems, they take more drugs to cover up the guilt and worry. They become trapped in a downward cycle toward self-destruction.


Enlightened self-love--happiness is more important than pleasure.

Enlightened self-love means that we are trying to maximize our happiness instead of our pleasure. Pleasure often contributes to happiness, but not always. If we believe we are having fun at the expense of our career or health, or at the expense of others, we will feel guilty. We cannot be fully happy now if we believe that we are undermining our own future happiness or the happiness of other people.


Limits on the cognitive system's ability to assure health and happiness. The cognitive system also has limits. Just as listening strictly to our pleasures can get us into trouble, so can listening strictly to our reason or to our emotions (both are cognitive-related functions). Our emotions are dependent upon our values and beliefs. Therefore, if our values or beliefs are dysfunctional, then we cannot trust the thoughts or emotions erupting from them.


Beliefs and goals can undermine or empower natural unconscious forces. With all these good biological mechanisms built into humans to enhance our health and happiness, why do we do such dumb things that constantly undermine our health and happiness? Why do we smoke, take drugs, hurt people, or live for today without considering the future?

A worm is too stupid to take drugs or to commit suicide. It is not able to form a conscious goal to destroy itself. It is not capable of creating nuclear weapons of mass destruction--only humans can do that. Our cognitive system is a source of tremendous power not only to do great good, but also the power  to do great harm.

Biological development of the cognitive system has given it power and freedom to create all types of beliefs, images, and thoughts. The cognitive system has a built-in irony. Evolution developed the brain's power and freedom for its adaption and survival advantages. Yet, that same power and freedom allow humans to learn destructive beliefs and goals that can undermine the health and happiness of the entire person, group, or human race.

It is possible to learn belief systems that become so independent and powerful in themselves that they work for our ultimate self-destruction. These dysfunctional belief systems do not believe they are working for our self-destruction, they believe they are working for our well-being--that is where they get their power! They get their power from reinforcement. Persons who take drugs or commit suicide often do so to cope with immediate problems. The immediate goal is to feel better right now or eliminate pain. However, these solutions have long-term negative consequences that do not lead to the person's best health and happiness.

Choosing to make long-range health and happiness our top goal is essential to maximize our chances for achieving health and happiness. Whenever we forget those goals and let a less functional goal rule, then we accidentally undermine our health and happiness. This miscalculation is the cause of most self-destructive behavior.


The executive self is president of one’s life and personality. The executive self (like part of Freud's ego) is a cognitive system that is in charge of our personality and life. Our executive self makes important decisions and plans. It resolves conflicts between lower centers. Why is it that some people's executive allows them to weigh more than 300 pounds, take drugs, abuse others, or have other serious psychological problems?


The limits of the executive self. Just as corporate presidents do not always do what is best for the organization, neither do our executive selves. Dysfunctional executive selves learn beliefs, world views, philosophies of life, values, or lifestyles that are not life-enhancing for themselves and/or other people. Our basic beliefs are major factors determining our personality, our behavior, and our lives.

Thus, while the executive self is a valuable inner resource, it cannot always be trusted to have our best interests at heart. If we cannot trust our lower brain centers and the pleasure and pain they produce as decision guides, and we cannot trust our executive self and the emotions it produces, is there any part inside we can trust? I believe that such a part exists. I call it the Higher Self.



Empathy and Love of Self and Others as Decision Guides


The Higher Self is a cognitive system like the executive self. However, it is the only system with the goal of seeking happiness for self and others. The Higher Self cares most about our happiness. We can trust our Higher Selves for guidance.

The Higher Self is not a conscience. It does not act from internalized parental or societal rules (as Freud's superego is supposed to). Instead, the Higher Self acts out of empathy and true love. It is our inner hero. It is the part that I have heard people near suicide say, "Some part of me wants to live and cares about me no matter what I have done."


How does the Higher Self develop? At birth, the Higher Self probably doesn't exist--except as a primitive neural structure. It probably begins by learning to care about the bodily sensations and about emotions.


Empathy and unconditional love of self. We have seen how the cognitive brain is "wired" to oversee what happens in lower areas of the brain. I believe that the Higher Self has a similar, primitive, built-in empathy for the lower brain centers that govern basic bodily functions. It receives messages from the lower brain centers and is affected by their pleasure and pain.

In addition, the Higher Self learns the concept of pleasure. And it initially learns to value pleasure per se as good. This “pleasure principle” is the first type of conscious unconditional infant self-love. The infant probably develops some primitive form of an unconditional self-love belief like, "My feelings are important no matter what." The Higher Self also learns that it can control actions that lead to pleasure, and consequently begins to value those actions and give them priority over other actions.

However, eventually, the pleasures begin competing with each other. For a baby, conflicts between one food and another, between food and play, or between hugging and play create anxiety. While pleasure is the stuff of the lower brain centers, anxiety is a whole new ball game. Anxiety is the stuff of the higher brain--the cognitive system. It innately feels really awful to the cognitive system. Anxiety's opposite--happiness--feels great!

The Higher Self learns the concepts of anxiety and happiness. The Higher Self may begin by valuing pleasure, but will quickly learn that happiness is even more important. I suspect that a superordinate location in the brain puts it in a unique position to innately monitor and care for the overall happiness and harmony of the brain. Just as the cognitive system's job is to take good care of the lower brain centers and their pleasure, the Higher Self's job is to take good care of the cognitive system and its emotions.

Thus, no matter how dysfunctional or destructive other parts of the cognitive system may become, the Higher Self learns to love us and value our happiness unconditionally.


Empathy and unconditional love of others. As the infant develops, it learns that consistent images (later called "mama" and "dada") become associated with many important events. In most cases parents are associated much more with pleasure and the relief of pain than they are associated with pain. This may be the first, crude form of love--loving someone because of the pleasure they bring to us.

However, just as the cognitive system cannot help but know there is a future, it cannot help but know that there are other people out there too. It is intelligent enough to know that other people have feelings and thoughts similar to our own. The Higher Self automatically empathizes with other people. It cannot help but imagine that when other people are experiencing pain or unhappiness it feels like our own pain and unhappiness.

In other words, I believe that we cannot help but have a Higher Self that truly cares about other people and their feelings--just as it cares about us and our own feelings. The Higher Self is so intelligent that it cannot help but guess how other people feel. It knows that they would probably feel much like we would feel in the same situation.

This empathy is the foundation of a higher form of love--caring about how others feel no matter how it affects us personally. This love is an early form of unconditional love. (For more on empathy roots, see Izard, 2009.)

Therefore, we cannot be completely happy unless the Higher Self feels ok about the happiness of other people. We are especially concerned about our own effects on other people’s feelings. The Higher Self produces anxiety or guilt when it believes we have hurt others. It produces happiness when it believes we have contributed to another's happiness.


The Higher Self is not a set of rules. The Higher Self is based upon empathy and unconditional caring--not a set of rules that tell us what we "should" do. The Higher Self is not the rule, "Act as if you cared about someone." It guides us to get into someone's shoes to see how the person feels, and to develop genuine concern for that person's happiness.

This concept of a Higher Self based upon empathy and genuine caring is unlike the way Freud described the superego. He described the superego as being more like what I have called internalized parents. Freud believed that the superego was a reflection of societal norms. I believe that the Higher Self is based upon empathy and unselfish caring. Empathy and unselfish caring develop from our own intelligence and observations--largely independent of what others teach us.


What we learn from others can have a powerful effect upon us. Our internalized parents and societal norms are important, but they are rules--the source of "shoulds." The type of empathy and caring that comes from the Higher Self is not based upon rules. (For research, see M. Iacoboni, 2009.)

Recall seeing someone you care for in pain. Recall the feeling when you genuinely wanted to help relieve their pain. Compare that to a situation when you felt that you "should" do someone a favor according to some rule, but didn't really feel like it. That contrast in feelings illustrates the difference between giving out of genuine empathy and caring as opposed to giving out of obligation. 

That is the kind of love that the Christian New Testament writer, Paul, was talking about in his letter to the Corinthians. Before becoming a Christian, Paul's life as a Jewish Pharisee priest had been dominated by hundreds of rules spelling out almost every detail of his life. He believed he had to follow these rules to be a good person. A large part of his conversion to Christianity involved choosing to value true empathy and love rather than living by rules describing how he "should" live. Paul wrote in I Corinthians 13,


If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries

and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains,

but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,

but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,

it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. . .

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.

But the greatest of these is love.


Learning to transform obligation giving into giving from the heart. How much of your giving is to keep the scales balanced? How much giving is to please other people and their expectations? Frequent feelings of guilt and shame are signs that we are giving more out of obligation or giving more to please others--than out of genuine empathy and caring. Even giving because you want to act like an empathetic, caring person is not the same as giving out of true empathy and caring.

If I catch myself feeling guilty, saying "should," or worrying about what someone else expects me to give, then I ask myself, "What do I really want to do?" Next, I search all my own positive and negative feelings about doing it. I give each of my subparts a chance to speak.

I also focus on developing a deep understanding of the other person's situation and point-of-view. When the part of me that cares about someone experiences the situation from their point-of-view (and I conclude they genuinely need help), it gives me a stronger urge to give to that person. Giving out of empathy and love is very different from giving out of guilt. By focusing on their point-of-view, I thus transform a "should" into a "want."

I try to avoid giving out of "shoulds." If I cannot persuade myself to give out of true empathy and caring, then I generally do not give at all. [Although, in many simple daily situations, I give out of "habit”; because going into a deep understanding is too time-consuming.]


Can we give too much? It may be that the part of me that wants to give is in conflict with a part of me that wants to use the time, energy, or money for some other goal. We will see in Chapter 6 how people who are too codependent may give so much that they don't take adequate care of their own needs.

My Higher Self must make the ultimate decision about that conflict between giving to someone else and giving to me. We must each find our own balance between giving to self and giving to others.




Engaging another person's Higher Self. I attended a meeting where one staff member aggressively attacked another in front of the whole group--calling him irresponsible and unprofessional. He was obviously angry. The second responded, "I can see that you're upset with me. I am sorry for any problems I may have caused you and appreciate your bringing it to my attention. Why don't we talk about it after the meeting?"

Immediately, the first staff member calmed down and became much friendlier. He even apologized in front of the group for his outburst and praised the second person for his "classy" response to his attack.

The second person had looked beyond the attacking words into the eyes of his comrade's Higher Self. He heard more than a personal attack, he heard a person he cared about hurting inside. His caring response was not lost. It engaged his comrade's Higher Self to apologize.

Everyone develops a Higher Self--no matter how weak or hidden it might be. What about all of the times people appear to act without empathy or caring? Obviously, their Higher Self is not controlling their behavior at that time. If we can help them engage their Higher Self, then we will find that we are suddenly dealing with someone who is much more understanding and caring. One way to do that is to treat an angry, aggressive, or otherwise unpleasant person with deep understanding and concern.

Thus, we begin living at a higher level ourselves. Instead of living by an "eye for an eye" (which is one reason why gang warfare is so difficult to stop), we begin living by the rule of empathy and love. We are trying to maximize our own and others' happiness. We stop worrying about "getting even." Perhaps the best way to overcome our enemies is make them our friends. Perhaps "turning the other cheek" can really work in the right situation.

This approach may not work with all people at all times. We might not know how to engage a person's Higher Self. We each need to draw our own boundaries for self-protection. We need to protect ourselves and act assertively against aggressive domination. Giving in to their aggression only reinforces their aggressive actions and beliefs.

If we set clear boundaries, we can help empower their Higher Selves and de-power their dysfunctional parts. The assertive, "tough love" response is consciously motivated partly by a desire to protect ourselves and partly by a desire to help empower their Higher Selves.


The Higher Self may start as a simple set of beliefs valuing its own and others' happiness. Like any other cognitive system, it can remain weak, primitive, and undeveloped or it can grow and become strong through learning and reinforcement. Parents can encourage their children to care for themselves and others' happiness, and parents can help them develop beliefs that support these overall goals.

However, many parents teach their children to be  obedient and rule-bound. Other parents give little guidance and their children are left to fend for themselves. In these cases, their Higher Selves may remain weak compared to the Higher Selves of children whose parents consistently supported love for self and others. By adulthood, the Higher Selves' development and power can vary dramatically from person to person.


The Higher Self might only be a weak, but persistent, inner voice. One of my clients illustrates how the small inner voice of the Higher Self can speak to us at an early age--even when it goes against our parents' will. Her father would come into her room in the middle of the night and tell her that what he was doing was good, and it was because he loved her.

She wanted to believe him because she was young and he was important to her. She depended on him for everything. In the community, he was a model citizen and pillar who was successful and respected by everyone. For a long time a dominate part of her told her she must agree with her father and that what he was doing was ok.

However, despite all of this external input, a part of her told her that--even though it brought some pleasure to her--it was not ok. That part of her felt violated. It took her years to really begin to listen to that little voice inside of herself, but it was always there. Finally, she paid attention to it.

When you are doing something that is clearly not life enhancing, is there a little voice inside questioning it? This little voice may be your Higher Self speaking to you. It is repelled by people it perceives as harmful. On the other hand, your Higher Self seeks knowledge and reinforcement from others who value your happiness--it is automatically attracted to them.


Competition with other belief systems. We cannot trust all the little voices we hear from within--though all need to be explored and understood. Each cognitive system has its own little voice, even those that are not healthy. The Higher Self faces a hazardous path of conflict with other belief systems in order to develop into a strong system.

If a child's parents create an environment that is too confusing, boring, or unpleasant, the child may not learn to trust others or to feel valued or important. Or the child may go to school and learn that obedience to teachers or peers gets more immediate reinforcement than love of self and others. That lesson supports the internalized others belief systems--not the Higher Self.

If competing belief systems are given more reinforcement than the Higher Self, the Higher Self can become underdeveloped and weak. The Higher Self is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. In Chapter 6 on the transition from external to internal control of your life, I will discuss how we can become so focused on pleasing others; doing what they want; and internalizing their beliefs, values, and expectations that we can literally lose our own identity and self-esteem. Developing the Higher Self and focusing on its beliefs and goals is our primary way of increasing our self-esteem, personal power, and happiness in our life.

UNPRODUCTIVE BELIEF SYSTEMS-- They devalue health and happiness

Any established belief system that tends to devalue or compete with loving oneself and others is potentially dysfunctional.


A functional belief can become dysfunctional. Often beliefs and rules that are good for limited purposes are used beyond their range. They may be limited means to happiness that become dysfunctional when they are made into ends or ultimate concerns. For example, making a lot of money can potentially provide many things, help, experiences, or environments that can help bring happiness. However, if I must give up too much happiness for myself or others to get that money, then making money is dysfunctional. Oddly enough, making more money can reduce our personal power by reducing our ability to be happy and contribute to the happiness of others.


A belief system can become outdated. We may have learned beliefs that worked well as a child within our particular family, but do not work well as adults. For example, one client's parents taught him as a child that it was God's will for children to obey their parents. They said, "The Bible says that you will go to Hell if you don't obey us." He believed them--literally.

For many years he tried to do everything that he was told. As a small child, obedience worked ok. Placing obedience above meeting his own needs was reinforced by avoiding punishment. However, as he got older, he couldn't meet his parents' expectations no matter how hard he tried. He was ridiculed and punished. Since obedience stopped working, he tried rebellion. He gave up trying to please them and he began meeting some of his own needs. This new philosophy worked much better--except for one thing. He still believed that he was evil and that he was going to Hell. He still held that old belief his parents had taught him as a child.

Therefore, he lived in constant fear that God would severely punish him for being so evil. These beliefs continued to haunt him into adulthood. Only through therapy and through talking with a more understanding minister did he question these beliefs. It was not easy, because his parents had also taught him that to question any of these beliefs was evil and meant he was going to Hell.

He learned that loving ourselves and taking good care of ourselves is not selfish and evil. He began to view God as a loving God who wanted his children to be happy and who would forgive them for mistakes. How could he believe that God would be less forgiving than a loving human would? These new beliefs got to the core of his underlying fears of failure and punishment. He was on the road to greater self-esteem and happiness. As a child, were you taught any of the following dysfunctional beliefs?


• "I should always put other people's needs before my own."

• "I should be loved or liked by everyone I meet."

• "I am weak and dependent on strong people for my happiness."

• "I must be the best at everything I do."

• "I am entitled to health and happiness, and other people should meet my needs."

• "We must run our lives by rules, and people who break those rules must be severely punished or we will have chaos."

• "There are winners and losers. If you are not strong and take advantage of others before they take advantage of you, then you will be a loser."


PRACTICE: List some of your basic beliefs that may have been unproductive for you. If you are having trouble, start by looking at some beliefs that you think may have been unproductive for your parents. What messages did they keep giving you that you now know are dysfunctional? How did these beliefs interfere with their happiness and productivity? How did these beliefs influence you? Compare these basic beliefs to beliefs of unconditional love of self and others. Evaluate them by the criteria presented in the next sections.





Think of the Higher Self as the conductor of a symphony.[11] The jobs of the conductor are both (1) to help each orchestra member become the best and happiest musician possible and (2) to coordinate the activities of all musicians so that their combined effort produces the best performance for the whole orchestra. Consequently, each musician receives individual, intrinsic rewards from playing at a peak level and receives his or her share of the rewards from the entire orchestra.


When any one part of the orchestra is out synch with the rest, then the performance and happiness of the entire orchestra suffer. The conductor's job is to coordinate the musician's performances so that--together--they produce beautiful music played in perfect harmony.


The Higher Self's job is to conduct our inner orchestra members' performance so that--together--they produce beautiful music played in perfect harmony. The Higher Self's job is to keep all parts of our mind and body functioning at their peak level of growth, performance, and happiness as much of the time as possible. Whenever there are conflicts, or whenever parts of the system are inactive for long, the performance and happiness of our entire mind-body system suffer. In later chapters, I will describe how we can consciously choose to bring about a state of harmonious functioning in almost any situation--from dull, boring situations to stressful, frightening ones.

LIFE AND BODY AFFIRMING BELIEFS--How do we know what to believe?

We can measure the validity of our beliefs by how much they contribute to the overall health and happiness of ourselves and others. The beliefs we center our lives around are our foundation for living. Yet how much time and thought do most of us invest in thinking about our basic beliefs? How much do we seek the wisdom of others?

Perhaps one concern is the question, "Who can we trust to be our teachers?" My answer is, "People we see living the happiest, most productive lives and people who have taught others to live those kinds of lives." Find people like Maslow's self-actualizing people to model yourself after.


Philosophers and religions can speak to our Higher Selves. The first philosophy book I ever read was titled, The Enduring Questions. It pointed out that there are certain issues in life that face all humans in the past, present, and future. Each major philosophical system and each major religion has addressed many of these issues and at least partially resolved them. That is why they have attracted millions of followers who say that these beliefs have made them happier people. How can we ignore these millions of people or assume that they are ignorant because we do not agree with some of their beliefs? Perhaps they know something we don't.

Why not look for the beliefs that do seem to be healthy and life affirming? Look for themes that religions have in common. The themes shared by most major religions may be especially important. But we can learn valuable insights from every major school of thought. On the other hand, just because many people share a belief does not mean that we should automatically accept it. Always question beliefs' truth and happiness value (for all humankind).

If your religion tells you that you should not question certain beliefs, remind yourself that several different religions tell their followers that they must accept beliefs without question. They all claim that God revealed these truths to someone and you must accept them exactly as written. Yet these religions do not all agree.

So, how do you decide which belief is the most truthful or life affirming? For many people, acceptance just depends on which church they walked into first. But how does a thoughtful person decide--if not by questioning the beliefs’ truth and happiness values? [12]

      People who spend a lot of time studying and thinking about their higher beliefs will not all come to the same conclusions. They may find different paths to happiness and self-actualization. However, the phrase "seek and you will find" applies to most of them. Most find a richer life.

Some believe they have a special relationship with God or Nature. Some connect more with humankind and work toward social betterment. Some connect more with seeking beauty through art or other means of expression. Some seek truth through philosophy or science. Many paths lead to "spiritual" success and happiness. However, if the Higher Self guides this progress, the Higher Self will in turn be enriched. It will become stronger, more complex, and more integrated with the rest of the personality.


Does the Higher Self connect to a larger Spiritual Unity? It is a common belief among religions and philosophers that some part of us is part of a larger spiritual power--like a cell is part of a greater organism. Think of the world as populated by billions of people with their own Higher Selves together forming an emergent higher level of human consciousness. It is like billions of water molecules together forming a wave.

For example, Christians believe that the "Holy Spirit" is an aspect of God that is both a godlike part of every person and yet is part of God as a whole. It is not hard to imagine each person having a Higher Self that values truth and love, yet shares those higher values with parts of all other people and possibly some larger spiritual presence.

If we view the peoples of the world as all having Higher Selves, then we can see what a powerful force the totality of these Higher Selves can be on the future of the world--especially if they are nourished!

For example, I find the following visualization to be a source of optimism and love within me. I create an image of little "suns" within each person. Each "sun" represents a Higher Self. I recall a church service as a teenager. Several thousand people held small candles in total darkness. The service symbolized the total effect on the world--if each person would "light just one small candle.” The light was breathtaking.


Ideally, we want a few, simple Higher Self beliefs that will cover almost any situation in life. These beliefs need to be very abstract and general so that they can apply to almost any situation. What did some of the great religious teachers say?

• Jewish law is summarized in the Ten Commandments.

• Jesus said that only two of these Ten Commandments contained the keys to living--to love God first and to love others as you love yourself. When we love someone, we care for his or her health and happiness. How simple--yet elegant! Jesus suggested approaching every situation from this loving point-of-view. He said that loving God, self, and others above all else is the ultimate test. That is the test of everything we think or do. It tests every rule or law we develop. If our actions or rules conflict with love of God, self, and others, then we are to make an exception or abandon them.

• The Buddha distilled his philosophy into a few statements as well. He implied that happiness was a primary goal of life and that the way to happiness was to overcome all selfish craving through the eightfold path--right understanding, purpose, speech, conduct, vocation, effort, alertness, and concentration. (These are not dissimilar to the six mental control methods I describe in Chapter 8.)


Many people have attempted to codify these general beliefs from the masters into intricate legalistic codes. However, as the great philosopher Paul Tillich pointed out; these codification attempts usually end by making the rules into rigid ends in themselves. They forget that the rules are only means to the more important ends of happiness and love.


Follow your highest beliefs--being rule-bound makes people like robots. Rule-bound means rigidly making no exceptions to specific rules--even when they conflict with more important, general rules.

For example, John made a house payment of $1480.46. His actual payment was supposed to be $1480.64--leaving him 18 cents short!  The clerk at his mortgage company refused to accept the payment and charged him an $80 late-payment charge. The rule read that if you don't submit the full payment by the 15th of the month, then a late fee is assessed. Technically, John was wrong. Yet those of us who are not rule-bound will see this as an injustice. Why?

The reason is because we believe that higher, more comprehensive rules are more important than that specific rule. The reason that mortgage companies assess penalties is because otherwise it would cost them interest income if a person were very late with his payment. However, John's payment was only 18 cents short. So being a few days late giving them the additional 18 cents would not really cost them any significant amount of interest. A higher, more comprehensive rule states, "If no harm, then no penalty."

Rule-bound means following the more specific and explicit rules instead of following the higher rules--that tend to be more comprehensive and less explicit. The highest rules are valuing our own and other people's well-being and happiness. Whenever lower, more specific rules conflict with higher rules, make an exception or replace the rule.

Whatever happened to John? A manager higher in the company waived John's late-payment fee. He was not rule-bound. The clerk probably felt more insecure about breaking the late-payment rule because he was afraid he would get into trouble with his manager. On the other hand, the manager was aware of higher company rules--to protect their investment and to satisfy customers.

People with obsessive-compulsive disorder provide extreme examples of being rule-bound. People who become rule-bound become robots. They let the rules make their decisions for them--instead of making unique decisions for every situation (based on higher, general principles). Since they are not taking responsibility themselves, and everything is based upon a code of fixed rules, life becomes too predictable and controlled. They lack creativity and flexibility. Their lives often become devoid of meaning, enthusiasm, and enjoyment--which causes depression.

We all need rules to live by and a certain amount of routine and control in our lives. We all need an optimal amount of control. We need more control in areas that are more important to us--such as in meeting basic needs. Security in our food supply, health, and income is a lot more important than security in knowing what kind of car we will drive. However, the most important type of security is knowing that we can find a way to be happy and productive in any situation (that we can find routes to happiness for any situation). Once we know that, we do not need to be rule-bound.


A strong Higher Self can overcome loneliness and a fear of being alone. My client was so afraid of being alone that she would jump into any relationship she could find. She often picked men who abused her. She would pick almost anybody in pants who met minimal standards; because, she believed that being in a bad relationship couldn't be as bad as the loneliness and worthlessness she felt alone.

Her Higher Self beliefs telling her that she was a valuable person who could take care of herself were weak. Learning these ideas were threatening to old beliefs, but she was also excited about them. Slowly, she learned how to take good care of herself. She found new fulfilling activities that she could do alone or do with new friends. She learned how to meet her own needs without being in a relationship. Finally, she reached a major turning point in her life--she preferred being alone to being in a bad relationship.

Ironically, no longer "having" to be in a relationship caused her to be more appealing to the kind of men she would be happier with. Previously, only "losers," who abused her, were attracted to her. Men who would respect her more valued her new self-confidence and happiness. They would have been turned off by her previous neediness. Within a year, she was in her first healthy, happy relationship.


Strong Higher Self beliefs do not negate needs; they listen to all of our needs and parts of ourselves. The best conductor is not someone who neglects parts of the orchestra. The best conductor isn't someone who loves the violin and dislikes the flute! In order for an orchestra to be in greatest harmony, all players must perform well. The best conductor must attend to the needs of each player in the orchestra with minimal favoritism. Each player must be given a chance to grow and perform well.

We all have basic needs--such as nutrition, safety, health, caring, and creative activity. We also each have many individual values, interests, goals, and desires that reflect unique parts of ourselves. Each of these parts is like a player in the orchestra. When one is repressed, denied repeatedly, and not understood or encouraged, then it will become a discordant player that takes away from the harmony of the orchestra as a whole. That harmony is the foundation of our happiness.

For example, one client came to therapy because he was constantly thinking about sex, masturbating 20 or more times a week, and felt tremendous guilt. All of this thought, guilt, and worry about masturbating had begun to interfere with his college work, his relationships, and his whole life. His masturbation caused guilt feelings, then he would masturbate again to cover up the guilt feelings, etc.

Underneath these guilty feelings were some powerful beliefs that helped cause his problems. He believed that sexual feelings are inherently bad. He was taught, "God made sex for procreation--not pleasure." He felt guilty whenever he had sexual impulses or feelings. He thought that masturbating was a mortal sin.

In therapy, we questioned his old beliefs. His new beliefs accepted his sexual part as another player in the orchestra. He began to think of his entire body as a gift of God and each bodily part as worthy of his love and care. Once he began to accept his sexual feelings as normal, healthy biological functions and realize that many healthy, morally good people also masturbate, he quit feeling guilty about masturbating. He also stopped masturbating compulsively, because he didn't have any guilt to cover up with more masturbating.




The Higher Self starts with a few, unorganized beliefs. It initially has weak and limited effects on other thoughts, emotions, and behavior. However, it can develop into a highly organized, comprehensive system with a great deal of control over the entire being.

To the degree that this harmonious organization of beliefs and habits develops, the person will be more integrated. For example, Freud wrote that the ideal psychological state was an integration between the id, ego, and superego--all three receiving high gratification of their needs. Dr. Carl Rogers, a father of the humanistic psychology movement, thought that integration of the Self was the ideal psychological state.

Dr. Paul Tillich saw how our ultimate concerns were the guiding light for our life, so that our personalities would become more and more integrated around them. He wrote,


Ultimate concern is passionate concern. . .

The ultimate concern gives depth, direction, and unity to all other concerns and,

with them, to the whole personality.

A personal life that has these qualities is integrated. . .

Ultimate concern is related to all sides of reality and

all sides of human personality. . .

body, soul, and spirit are not three parts of man.

They are dimensions of a man's being, always within each other . . .

If a uniting center is absent, the infinite variety of the encountered world,

as well as of the inner movements of the human mind,

is able to produce a complete disintegration of the personality.

(Tillich, Dynamics of Faith, pp. 105-107)

THE PROCESS OF INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION-- How the Higher Self can integrate our personality

A developing Higher Self will include new, constructive beliefs about ourselves and the world. These new beliefs may conflict with older sets of beliefs (often learned during childhood). The resulting conflicts may generate anxiety. Resolution of those conflicts can occur as the new beliefs (or their "children") explain reality better--and make us happier--than the old beliefs. By "children,” I mean deductions or conclusions based upon the higher beliefs.


A higher belief is powerful enough to integrate lower beliefs. The brain has built-in mechanisms for resolving these conflicts. Many cognitive psychologists think that the cognitive brain will automatically pick the belief with the most power to predict the future.[13]

      A more general or abstract belief will usually have greater explanation power than a more specific belief. For example, one 30 plus year old client had always wanted a happy marriage. His previous marriage had been a disaster--full of mutual screaming and yelling matches. His current four-year relationship had been much better, and he had counted on it resulting in marriage. He was devastated when she broke-up with him (even though he had not been happy in the relationship).

After exploring his feelings in depth, we found at the bottom a fantasy which had anchored him since childhood. His fantasy was of a happy family like TV's "Brady Bunch." That fantasy was like night and day to his own family. He had had a miserable family life and childhood--except for a few brief times when his family was  like the Brady Bunch. He treasured those brief periods and longed to have a family where he could feel loved and happy. As a little boy, he had developed the belief that "To be happy I must have a happy, warm family" [like his "Brady Bunch" image].

What is wrong with this belief? It seems quite normal. However, he gave it too much importance. He had made a positive--but too limited a goal--an ultimate concern. He believed that he had to have a happy family to be happy. Yet, he was single. That fantasy had driven him to desperately seek relationships--which always failed. The range of convenience of his goal was too limited. The idea that one must have a happy family life to be happy would seem to doom all single people to misery.

What he learned instead was an expanded belief that went something like, "Anyone can be happy in almost any situation, if they learn how to use the proper internal and external routes to achieving happiness." That belief has a much larger range of convenience and applies equally well to married or single people. His new beliefs removed the pressure of finding a relationship--he now saw that he could be happy single. That took some of the pressure off and he focused on learning  how to be happy instead of how to get married. Once he was happier with himself, he eventually found a much better relationship.


The Higher Self as an Inner Observer utilizing Problem-Solving Skills. People who learn meditation techniques usually practice clearing their minds of all active thoughts so that they can just observe what thoughts, images, and feelings enter awareness. Meditation helps calm people. Other people write journals about their feelings and thoughts and then read what they have written. These self-observation methods help our inner observers or inner therapists learn about how different thoughts, images, and feelings are connected.

During psychotherapy, one of my primary goals is to help my clients develop their own inner therapists. The inner therapist can become integrated with the Higher Self. In Chapter 2 discussed the self-exploration and problem-solving methods for exploring our strongest emotions to find underlying issues, beliefs, and conflicts between subparts of ourselves.

An important part of keeping the Higher Self in control is to focus on the Higher Self during difficult situations, and let it remain above the situation. From its detached view, it can calmly observe other thoughts, images, and feelings as they are occurring. At first, it is best for it to remain simply an observer--not rushing to make judgments. Its goal is simply to observe and understand more until it is confident it has a good understanding and knows how to bring harmony and happiness to the situation.


Hidden inner conflicts can only be resolved as they are activated. I love my wife Sherry with all my heart, and I strongly believe in empathetically resolving conflicts. Yet, recently, when she was upset about something I had done, all I could do is defend myself by explaining my reasons for doing it. It never occurred to me to listen to her point of view and let her explain her point of view in more depth. At the time, she reminded me of what I was doing, and my inner conflict was obvious. My Higher Self was not in control of my actions; my old dysfunctional parts had taken control. But as soon as I tuned in to my Higher Self, my emotions immediately changed and I started listening. My shift immediately affected Sherry as well.


My Higher Self was in conflict with an older part that had to be right all the time. This is an example of an implicit (hidden) conflict. I was not aware of the conflict in this situation until Sherry pointed out the inconsistency to me.

Our overall system of beliefs has many implied conflicts that are not obvious until the beliefs are simultaneously activated. Implicit conflicts between the Higher Self beliefs and old beliefs can be discovered and resolved by using the Belief Integration Process described later.


When we first learn a new insight, we may become excited with its potential. We begin trying to use this new insight in every situation where it has any chance of being appropriate. The new insight may conflict with older ways of coping with those situations.

If the new belief seems to work better in a particular situation, then it will be validated (or reinforced) for that situation. We have reprogrammed that situation. If not, we may have to resolve the conflict by modifying the new belief or by just saying it doesn't apply to that situation.


General beliefs are hard to validate or invalidate. It takes time to try out new beliefs in many situations. The more general the belief, the longer it takes to validate it or invalidate it. Some beliefs are so general that they are difficult to validate or invalidate. That is why people often cling to general dysfunctional beliefs even long after they are useful.

For example, why would smokers, alcoholics, or  drug addicts argue--even to themselves--that these habits are not doing them much harm despite overwhelming evidence. The reason is that these general beliefs may be helping them feel calmer than the belief that they have been wrong so long and must go through a radical life change process to break the habit. The old belief helps the person maintain the chosen lifestyle and feel calm about it.

Dan, a psychologist who smoked heavily, years ago told me that he would never get cancer because he "had such good circulation." He said, "Look how red it is under my fingernails; that means I have exceptional circulation. I don't ever have to worry about cancer with circulation like this--only people with poor circulation have to worry about getting cancer if they smoke."

The sad part of the story is that a few years later, Dan died of lung cancer. He put his desire to smoke above valuing the truth. His inner smoker seemed to take advantage of the fact that general beliefs are hard to prove false.


Honesty is the answer. Dan was an intelligent and well-informed man. How could he tell me such nonsense? Clearly, he was biased. He wanted to continue smoking more than he wanted to take an honest look at the evidence. He chose to make smoking a higher priority than honesty.

Not making honesty and the truth the highest of priorities is a fundamental problem that supports many dysfunctional beliefs and lifestyles. Being honest with oneself is worth the cost of change. The final result is a healthier, happier life. Honesty could have saved Dan's life; he died a relatively young man. I make honesty a top, conscious goal--especially with myself. My goal is to never lie to myself or hide the truth from myself.











The  HIGHER SELF and other key psychological systems



When I first gained the insight that happiness is more important than worldly success, I was excited by the idea. However, I also needed to test it. I wanted to be totally honest with myself, because I did not want to adopt an important new belief if it were false. I started by trying to think of all of the arguments I could against this "radical" new belief. I thought that if anyone would have good arguments against it, my dad would. Therefore, I went to him and asked him what he thought. He argued against it, but I did not think his arguments were valid. Then, I decided to test the idea for a few months. I decided to see if my life actually got better by making happiness for self and others my most important goal.

Before I could live by making happiness my most important goal, I had to think of what the implications would be for my daily life. How would it affect my relations with my family and peers? Would I be any different in high school or during sporting events?

For example, in the past I had made "being right" and "winning every contest" important. I realized that sometimes I would get argumentative over unimportant details to prove I was right. I decided that from now on I was going to pay more attention to helping people be happier, and that being overly argumentative took away from both my own and the other party's happiness. That single application of the more general happiness goal had a significant positive effect upon my relationships with others.


Biological basis for triumph of truth. No matter how hard I try, I cannot believe that the leaves on that tree outside my window are red and not green. No matter how much I would like to believe that this body of mine will live forever, I cannot. Why can't we believe that which we do not believe to be true? The thought that my body could live forever certainly is a positive thought. However, the cognitive system operates by some basic psychobiological laws. One of these laws is that we need supportive evidence from other experience and beliefs to actually believe an idea. We can only believe what our own sensory evidence adequately supports.


Honesty brings harmony and integration to the cognitive system. We can temporarily trick ourselves into denying what some inner part of us knows to be true, but we can never totally escape that honest part of ourselves. It will be somewhere inside causing conflict and anxiety for the part that is living a lie. The alcoholic, foodaholic, or workaholic may keep denying that they have a problem, but some healthier part of their cognitive system knows that they are lying to themselves. It will not be totally repressed. It will keep creating guilt and anxiety until it is heard.

If we make truth a top-priority conscious value, then we are aligning the higher (cognitive) parts of ourselves with our basic biological nature that seeks truth. Hunger and thirst for honesty and openness! Doing otherwise will develop a self that is torn into warring parts--like members of a dysfunctional family. Seeking honesty will help develop a self that is integrated and spontaneous--like members of a loving, happy family.


If we are honest with ourselves,

our life-affirming and happiness-affirming beliefs eventually triumph;

because they really work better!


How do find and root out old beliefs that are interfering with our health and happiness? The process will happen somewhat automatically. However, we can accelerate the process by using the belief-integration process below.


The Belief Integration Process

We can consciously monitor our Higher Selves to speed the integration of our personalities. Early in my own quest, a little book by Frank Luboff fascinated me. When he wrote the book, he was a young man serving as a missionary in a remote jungle area. He felt confused about what his mission was, but he was lonely and decided to try an experiment. He wanted to develop a loving, intimate relationship with God. His goal was to stay in touch with God and the loving part of himself every moment of every day. His book is a documentary of these efforts. He found his endeavor difficult at first. He constantly had to put himself back in touch with his Higher Self. But the more he tuned in, the more love and happiness he felt. Within the year, his life had been transformed.

The book’s title is, Letters from a Modern Mystic--written more than 50 years ago. How practical is such an inward focus in a world with so many “practical problems”? Frank Luboff went on to form and lead a worldwide organization that has taught millions of people how to read and write. If we will consistently focus on love and base our lives on our Higher Selves, we will transform the world! Here’s how.

1. Keep tuned in to your Higher Self. Weekly, daily, hourly--even moment-to-moment--tune in to your Higher Self and consciously view situations from its point-of-view. Constantly ask yourself questions like, "How can I view this situation from my new perspective?" "What will make me and others the happiest in this situation?" "Which is the most truthful?"

2. Observe your reactions and activated conflicts. Watch your natural reactions, old thoughts, and old habits. What conflicts do you feel? Follow your emotions--what are their sources? What old beliefs are being threatened by your new point-of-view? Use the self-exploration process in Chapter 2 to get to the hidden, underlying beliefs that are the troublemakers.

3. Resolve the conflicts. Carry on a dialog between your newer, Higher Self point-of-view and the inner parts producing the old habits and beliefs. In what ways do you need to modify the old (or new) beliefs to keep them consistent with the truth and with the ultimate concern of happiness for all? The goal is to update our beliefs to make sure that the old beliefs and habits are consistent with the new Higher Self beliefs.

4. Choose to live by your Higher Self beliefs. The belief you choose to live by is the one you strengthen. Which is it to be--dysfunction or Higher Self?


As I have been writing this book, I carry on all sorts of internal dialogues. My inner psychologist says that it is important for the readers to know about important psychological principles that will help them understand more about themselves. My inner writer part says that people want to hear interesting stories or cleverly worded statements more than dry theory. These two parts battle on every page over meaty content substance versus style and interest. Which one is the "real me"?

When you say "me" or "I," what do you mean? What part of your cognitive system is doing the talking? Generally, it is some part of the executive self. However, the executive self has many subparts. We can be most aware of these subparts when we talk with ourselves or shift points of view.

When I first wrote my "How to be Happy" years ago, my ideas were  tentative. I was not sure if I believed the things I was writing or not. They were more like hypotheses to be experimented with. I did not yet identify with them. However, after all these years, these values and beliefs are the heart of my identity--I do not question them seriously anymore because they have worked so well, for so long.

As your Higher Self develops and successfully guides your daily life, it will become stronger and achieve even more control of your life. You will gradually identify with it more, and you will say, "I have inner peace; I am living my life the way I really want to."


The Higher Self is selective about which habits it changes. As the Higher Self observes our daily habits and beliefs, it will tend to change those parts that are inconsistent with its higher beliefs. For some people changing higher beliefs will dramatically affect a number of life areas. For others it will involve only minor changes. In general, the more life-enhancing our previous beliefs and habits have been, the less change that will be necessary.


The Higher Self as Inner Hero. So many times, I have seen someone facing extremely difficult circumstances reach deep inside and find inner strength they didn't know they had. I have seen clients ready to die--unable to find anything to live for--suddenly find the will to live.

Dawn, one of Sherry's clients, had a form of cancer that is almost always fatal. Her treatment necessitated moving away from her beloved Seal Beach to a cold, east coast climate. While in therapy, Sherry and Dawn worked on helping Dawn accept the loss of things she would miss and ways to keep them alive in her heart after her move. Dawn tried visualization, positive thinking, and reading Dr. Bernie Siegle's book, Love, Medicine, and Miracles. She practiced learning how to play and find happiness within herself.

In a letter to Dawn, Sherry sent sand from Seal Beach and suggested that she listen to the song Hero. Dawn wrote back. She loved the sand, and had--almost unbelievably--an encounter with Bernie Siegel, who had been kind and helpful. Coincidentally, she had already been listening to the song, Hero, during all her chemotherapy sessions. The song Hero is a reminder that you may feel all alone in the world and feel no one is there for you. Yet, you can always feel loved if you look deep enough inside to your Higher Self. Inside is a hero that always loves you, is always there for you, and is strong enough to overcome any circumstances. At times, you may feel weak, empty, and hopeless. However, if you look to your Higher Self, you will find the strength to survive and the strength to rise above your fears. For inside your heart, you will find your inner hero. Dawn, indeed, found the hero inside herself. Think of your Higher Self as your Inner Hero whenever you need strength or love you can’t find from others, or don't think you have yourself.


Dr. Abraham Maslow (1962) talked about "our essential inner nature" in a way that is similar to what I mean by Higher Self. He discussed its initially fragile character and pointed out how it can be repressed or pushed aside, but not lost entirely.

He believed that psychological health was not possible unless this essential core was accepted, loved, and allowed to grow and develop. Ultimately, the person cannot move to self-actualization without adopting the metavalues such as those Maslow identified. Developing these higher values is a critical part of strengthening your Higher Self.





wholeness, perfection, completion, justice, aliveness, richness,

simplicity, beauty, goodness, uniqueness, effortlessness, playfulness,

truth, and self-sufficiency[14]


As we develop the Higher Self and our philosophy of life, and as we begin to resolve our inner conflicts and live by these metavalues, we move down the path toward self-actualization.


As we approach self-actualization, our behavior will become more spontaneous. Dr. Maslow's self-actualized people were spontaneous and natural. They seemed to act with less conflict and more ease than most other people. However, this spontaneity came only later in life, after they had resolved most of their important internal conflicts. Once inner conflicts are resolved--integrated around our ultimate concern--we can be more spontaneous and free.

Instead of work versus play, work becomes play. Instead of me versus them, most acts are done both for self and other. As the yeast from the Higher Self works its way through the mind, our choices represent more of our inner parts working together in harmony. As Maslow said, “Be healthy and then you can trust your impulses.” (A. H. Maslow, 1954, p.179)


You know that inside somewhere is the true you, the part that is your best part, the part that represents what you want most, the part that really loves you and others, the part that is your inner hero. That part is your Higher Self. Have you ever tried to write your best and most important Higher Self beliefs?

A few years ago, I decided to write my own current version of "How To Be Happy.” I wanted to integrate all that I had learned from my personal life and my years as a psychologist. The result was a list of key beliefs and skills that formed the basis for this book. I have summarized them in the box, "I CHOOSE LOVE, TRUTH, and HAPPINESS." These guidelines are commitments that are from the conscious core of my philosophy of life and of my "Higher Self." Just about everything else in my life follows from this center of my values and goals.


PRACTICE: Write Your Higher Self Statements. Perhaps you would like to make a similar commitment to yourself. You may use my version, or (better) write your own version. When you have your first version, put it in a place where you will look at it frequently on a daily or weekly basis (in a closet, inside a cabinet door, on a mirror, etc.). Periodically revise it.









My Commitment:


Loving Myself, Loving Others, and Loving All Creation

(The Foundation of My Higher Self)


I am grateful for the gift of life. I was given the gift of life and the opportunity to create a happy life for myself. I did not earn or deserve life or this opportunity--so I will not complain that my time on Earth or opportunities may not be as great as someone else's.


I am the person most responsible for meeting my own needs and values. I cannot prove that my feelings are important, I can only assert that they are important to me because I am the one affected by them. I am also the person most in control of my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Since I am the one most in control, I am also the one most responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. [I am not primarily responsible for others' thoughts, emotions, or actions.]


My ultimate concern is maximizing my own and others' happiness and contributing to the good of the universe. All other values or goals are less important than this ultimate concern. I recognize that whenever I do not keep this as my ultimate concern, I will confuse the means with the end and decrease my chances of being happy.

• I try to properly balance present with future happiness and balance my own with others' happiness-- a key to inner harmony.

• For every decision I make--especially big ones--I will attempt to estimate which alternative will lead to the greatest truth and happiness. I will choose that alternative.


Part of my ultimate concern is to always seek truth and growth for myself and others. My mind was designed to seek the truth and continually grow in knowledge. Without truth and growth, I cannot be maximally happy. Others have the same needs to ultimately find happiness. Truth and growth are basic principles of the universe. Therefore, I will make them top priority conscious goals and "hunger and thirst" for the truth.      

 è Continued in next box.



 I care about every cell, system, and value in myself. Every cell and every system in my body and mind is important to my overall functioning, health, and happiness, and I care for each one. One way to care for each part of myself is to give it proper exercise and allow it regular harmonious functioning.

   •Similarly, every living cell and creature is important--the most important being the happiness of humans.

   I will take good care of every area of my life (and encourage others to do likewise) including:

1. My Higher Self and spiritual needs. I will continue to develop the part of me that loves life, myself, and others. I will seek greater understanding, empathy, acceptance, and forgiveness of myself and others--even those who have harmed me (that does not exclude reparations).

2. My relationships with others--empathy, love, and clear boundaries. I will seek win--win relationships with others and realize that each of us is primarily responsible for our own happiness. I will not allow myself to remain in abusive or win--loose relationships where I am either the winner or loser. I will either change the relationship until it is acceptable or separate myself from it. Some other guidelines:

   •Loving means giving without expecting anything in return.

   •I give primarily out of empathy and love--giving makes me happier by seeing others happy. I give only secondarily to get something in return.

   •Loving effectively is giving what the other person truly wants/needs.*           •Empathetic listening and exploring issues in depth is the way to discover what the other wants/needs.  

   •If there is conflict between what I think others' needs are and others' requests, I must use my deep understanding to decide the issue. However, normally I go by what they say.

   If I can help create a good relationship with one person, I can help create at least that good a relationship with someone else.

   3. My relationship to nature, beauty, and my environment.

4. My body, health, and safety.

5. My mind, learning, and growth in each area of knowledge.

6. My emotions. While pleasure is important, happiness is much more important. To obtain happiness I must resolve inner conflicts and feel good about my current and future satisfaction of values in each life area. I must learn how to function harmoniously (See chapters 7, 8).

7. My material and financial needs.

   8. My education and career--my contributions to other people and the world. I will try to maximize my competence, productivity, and positive impact.

9. My play and personal activities. I will set priorities for my free time that produce the greatest happiness (and is not based on "shoulds"). During this  time I can meet  health and happiness values such as physical activity, learning, beauty, spirituality, social, creativity, sex, and many more.  I will minimize time spent on less productive and fun activities. I will do them as quickly and efficiently as possible or try to create a natural interest or fun in them.



SHAQ Research Results: The Higher Self


   I created a scale to summarize the main values corresponding to the idea of Higher Self presented in this chapter.

   The Higher Self scale consists of the following values-beliefs:

Self-happiness, others’ happiness; balance present-future, self-others’ happiness;

base decisions on maximizing happiness for self-others; value/love self and all unconditionally; accept all parts of self; gratitude-abundance thinking; integrity; develop personal philosophy; learning, self-development; exploration/truth; competence, be best I can be; complete all important goals; independence; self-sufficiency; self-discipline; health and longevity; life balance; beauty; goodness; and fun and playfulness.

   The Higher Self scale correlated with Overall happiness, .50; with Low Depression, 25; with Low Anxiety, .20; with Low Anger-Aggression, .37; with good Relationship Outcomes, .44; and with good Health outcomes.37.[15]




 Therefore, our research supports the idea that these Higher Self values are associated with not only happiness and low depression, anxiety, and anger; but also with good health, relationships, and other positive life outcomes (Stevens, 2009).





Where do I look for guidance I can trust?

Not from my lower pleasures and pains--they are too shortsighted.

Not from just any emotions or thoughts--

they may come from dysfunctional parts of myself.

Not from just anyone--they may not know or care what is best for me.

Then where?

I can trust the emotions and inner voice of my Higher Self, because

the Higher Self reflects true empathy and love for self and others.

Even if it makes errors, at least it values happiness and truth above all.

It is my inner hero and spiritual center.

Every time I listen to it and choose its way,

 become stronger and increase my chances for happiness.

















Explain these inconsistencies. Someone from sunny California sees a cloudy, cool day as dark and depressing; whereas, someone from Washington state sees it as refreshing. An avid hockey fan views a baseball game as boring and slow, while an avid baseball fan views hockey as too violent and aggressive. A rock music enthusiast is baffled about how someone listening to classical music can soar to emotional heights (and vice-versa).

Each of these external inputs was identical, yet in each case, one observer had a positive emotional reaction and the other, a negative one. The observer feeling the positive emotion had a better understanding of the input or had more positive experiences associated with it. Where one person finds meaning and beauty, the other finds only confusion and ugliness. Two different perceptions--two different emotional reactions.


Consider how unhappy some are who have "everything" in the external world and how happy some are who have "nothing." Famous people have been miserable or even committed suicide despite having great amounts of money, love, fame, friends, attention, success, or any other external condition we can imagine.

Yet, other people are happy despite living in poverty, being unable to see or walk, living alone for years, or being without almost any other external condition that we consider necessary for our own happiness. How can people with so much be so unhappy, while others with so little be so happy? If money, fame, friends, and all these things don't cause happiness--what does? It is not really such a mystery if you understand one simple fact--we live in our inner world more than we live in the external world!

Our Inner World Views Filter All Inputs and Affect Emotions

Each day my consciousness seems to focus on external events such as hearing the alarm, getting dressed, eating breakfast, driving my car, talking to people, writing, playing tennis, or watching television. I usually consciously pay more attention to the external world around me than to my internal world. So I must be a little skeptical about the idea that my internal world is a more important determinant of my happiness than my external world. After all, my attention seems so focused on my external world.

Yet it is an interesting idea. How is it that my inner world can be so important if I hardly pay attention to it as the day progresses? Our attention may focus on the external world, but consider the following:

We never experience the external world directly. Our focus on the external world actually consists of internal perceptions and thoughts. It does not consist of the external world events themselves!

We live in a constant stream of thoughts. We are thinking the entire time we are awake. Our minds rarely "go blank." We have thousands of thoughts each day!

Thoughts directly determine emotions. Our thoughts--not external events--directly control all emotions--including positive emotions such as love, joy, and happiness and negative emotions such as anxiety, anger, and depression.

Underlying mental models and structures. There are mental structures that underlie and generate the conscious thoughts we have in our moment-to-moment experience.

Causal power of these mental structures. These underlying mental structures are the basic causal mechanisms determining our personality and happiness--not immediate, external life situations.

We Automatically Create a Model of the World in Our Mind

When a child is born, it knows almost nothing of the world around it. Soon it discovers many new sights, sounds, and feelings. The child learns to recognize patterns from these stimuli. The infant associates being fed, bathed, changed, and cuddled with this strange looking creature that keeps making odd sounds. Later, the child learns to call this strange pattern of stimuli, "Mama."

Even from those early experiences, the infant starts to create a mental model of its mother. It learns what its mother looks like, sounds like, feels like, and learns to predict her behavior. It learns how to influence its mother's behavior--"If I cry hard enough, I can get mom's attention."

The infant may also begin to realize that mother is influencing its behavior--"If I cry just for attention, mom will ignore me, so I might as well not try that anymore." Children may not learn to describe these relationships with words until much later, but they learn the rules nevertheless.

The child's mental models of its mother, father, and other significant persons can become very elaborate. Most of us know so much about our parents that we could probably write a book about them. Indeed, many children (as adults) have written biographies of their famous parents. We also develop mental models of objects--our houses, automobiles, and even our toasters. We interact with these objects based on our mental models of them.

An expert has a very detailed and accurate mental model compared to a novice who has only a vague, less accurate model. We develop beliefs and feelings based on our mental models of people, objects, and events. We can develop mental models of societies or even of the entire world. The mental maps of our cities are important for daily navigation. But more important are the mental models of the forces controlling the world and universe.

Do we picture the world as controlled by positive forces continually improving the world and taking good care of us? Or do we picture the world as controlled by negative forces gradually destroying us? This negative world view could be summarized by a bumper sticker that says, "Life's a struggle and then you die." Our world models (world views) are major factors in how optimistic and happy we are. They filter most inputs and process most outputs to the external world.


Internalized versus examined mental models. When we were children, we were ill-equipped to examine the models presented to us. Most likely, we internalized the expectations or "shoulds" of our parents. For example, they taught us how to eat, how to dress, how to bathe, how to play, how to communicate, how to think about other people, and how to deal with our emotions.

To this day, if we do not do as we were taught and eat with poor table manners or speak disrespectfully to authorities, we may feel guilty or embarrassed. Somehow, it feels wrong. These mental models have become powerful determinants of our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

When we were small children and our parents told us something, we "swallowed it whole" without "chewing it over" adequately. That is natural for a child. We may ingest our parents’ mental models of what is right and wrong, of racial groups, of God, of parenting practices, and of even our self-images with little rational questioning. Someone we trusted told us that something was true, and as children we automatically believed them. As adults, it is time to stop automatically swallowing ideas whole.

If we have not already done so, it is time to examine these old beliefs and mental models from our newer, growth-oriented point of view. It is time to put Higher Self beliefs such as seeking openness and truth above all else or we will only delude ourselves. It is time to appeal to our Higher Self's ultimate concern of seeking happiness for self and others.

If we will begin to compare our old internalized models with these Higher Self beliefs, then we will find conflicts. We can modify our old models (or--sometimes--our Higher Self beliefs) to achieve a higher state of integration. Integration resolves basic belief conflicts underlying most daily conflicts and emotional reactions. As a drop of dye gradually colors the entire glass of water, so our Higher Self beliefs will color our entire personality.

One client started with a dismal view of the world. She could find only faults with herself, everyone, and everything around her. She had never received much affection in her life and had almost always been surrounded by conflict, criticism, and anger. She said that she had never even seen a happy family. Is it any wonder that she had developed a cynical world view? She could not believe in God or any positive, loving force in the world. She thought that people were only out to get more money, power, and prestige. She believed that it was impossible to be happy or to have a close, happy relationship for any length of time--so why try?

      However, a part of her (her Higher Self?) could imagine a better life and a better world. She still had a hope deep inside that maybe she could be happy and someday have a happy family of her own. One-by-one, we explored many of her negative world view assumptions and challenged them with more positive views. For example, she frequently assumed that her troubles were due to people being out to get her personally. However, we found other explanations for people’s actions--including explanations that put much of the responsibility for problems back on her. She had often unintentionally initiated negative cycles with people. We also explored benefits of revenge versus forgiveness and her beliefs about love and affection.

She improved her communication skills, and created a happier world for herself and others. As she began to explore and develop this part of her, she created her own more positive mental model of the world. She developed her own positive mental model of what loving relationships would be like. Her new mental models became active--they helped her create a world more like she wanted. It was amazing to see the transformation of this cynical, negative person into someone who was happy, radiant, and loving.


Our imagined world models can become reality. We develop a mental model of our city's streets. We use that mental map to select a route to our destination. An architect planning a house develops a mental model and commits it to paper. Builders follow that blueprint to create an actual home.

Some mental models are based upon our perception of reality. However, the power of imagination gives us the power to imagine possible states of the world that do not exist. Our imagination can make mountains out of molehills, or it can create visions of a better world. Our reality checks limit the mental models we can actually believe. However, our imagination is almost limitless in the models it can create.

We can create plans for a building, create a work of art, or create our own blueprint for a better life or world. Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream for America" was a vision that he created. It motivated him and his followers and helped change the world to become a little more like his vision. Our power of imagination--creating our own unique mental models--is one of the greatest gifts that separates humans from other creatures. It has transformed the world.

To the degree that we can imagine and create an internal model of a more ideal world, then we can begin to live in that new world. Once we create the model and choose to adopt it as a model for our own life, then we are beginning to actually live in that world. Our new model will affect our perceptions, our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions--the main ingredients of the world we experience.

If we create a world full of beauty, harmony, love, truth, and happiness in our mind, then we will actually begin to live in that world! On the other hand, if our mental model of the world is one of ugliness, conflict, hate, falsehood, and unhappiness, then that will be our world.

I can imagine a world in which people love themselves and other people just because they are alive. They recognize the caring Higher Self in every person and attempt to communicate with that person's Higher Self--instead of focusing on dysfunctional parts. In this imagined world people seek truth and knowledge and live by many of the principles in this book. In this world, people attempt to understand each other before judging how to react to them. In this world, people more consistently choose actions that will make themselves and others happy. The more I imagine this world, the more this world model helps me create certain effects--such as:

Many of my beliefs and thoughts come from this ideal world model.

•I treat other people according to these beliefs.

People begin treating me more "as if" we both live in this kind of world.

•I change the world a little. Since more of my beliefs, thoughts, and actions and experiences with others are like my ideal world model, I really am living in a world more like I imagine. I am also helping create a world more like that for other people.







Two world views--which is more like yours? A graduating college senior was feeling quite depressed and felt little motivation to look for a job. What was behind this student's depression? He said, "Our parents had all the breaks, and there's nothing left for us." In his mind, it was easy for them to get a high-paying job, buy a house, and raise a family in a world without crime or serious problems.

Yet, he saw himself facing a world full of too many competitors. He foresaw an overpopulated, polluted world where everyone would be poor and unhappy. He had little to look forward to: "I learned in a class that everything is basically chaos and everything living eventually returns to dust."

Contrast this doomsday view of the future to that of another graduating senior. "I've been supporting myself since I was 18, and I can't wait to find a job as a professional." This student was moving toward future goals of a home and family. He gave me a lecture, "Getting a good job in my field is tough. Some of my friends think their parents had it so easy, but they forget that our parents also had recessions, the cold war, and other problems. When I think of all the advances in technology and improved communication between people, I'm excited about the future. I think ideas of a global economy and a global society are fantastic. I want to be a part of that."

These opposing views of the world and human nature are more than just intellectual differences. They affect our mental health. A pessimistic view of the universe and human nature will predispose the believer toward depression and other negative emotions. A positive view of the universe and human nature will predispose the believer toward happiness and will provide hope and energy to face life's daily problems. Research strongly supports the value of a positive world view and optimism for minimizing negative emotions and maximizing happiness (Carver & Scheier, 2002; Chang, 2001; Peterson, 2000; and SHAQ results).


Which world view is more accurate? Can we believe in progress? Are the basic forces inherent in the world and human nature driving us toward extinction or toward a far better world? Which is more powerful--the forces of chaos or the forces of creativity?

If we look at history from a perspective of a few years or even a few decades, we may get a different idea about progress than when we look at it from a longer time frame. For example, suppose you had been living in 1939. The country had been in a terrible depression for 10 years, and Hitler was conquering Europe and executing millions of Jewish people. Just 12 years before, we had won the war to end all wars and the economy had been booming. Who could be optimistic in those days? It seemed as if the world was going to hell.

Yet, suppose you had been living in America in 1949--just 10 years later. The Allies had just won World War II, the economy was booming, and people believed the future was bright. It was easy to be an optimist then.


Evolution is the steady force behind long-range progress. When we look at history as a whole, the ups and downs over a few years or even a few decades fade. The subtle, yet powerful forces of evolution become much clearer. At one time humans didn't even exist. The great philosopher and paleontologist [studies evolution], Teilhard de Chardin (1959) wrote that the world is divided into different levels of organization--the physical, the biological, and the spiritual levels. 

     Each level evolved slowly until it reached a critical mass of organization. Then its development suddenly exploded. At the physical level, in the primordial soup of molecules interacting and evolving, something happened. At some critical mass of organization, the first form of life emerged. Biological evolution had begun.

Millions of years later, the biological evolution produced a brain that reached some critical mass of organization, the first form of higher level thinking emerged. Spiritual evolution had begun. By spiritual, he meant the level that includes information, knowledge, thought, and the spiritual realm [in the more traditional sense]. The spiritual level is higher than the biological, and the biological level is higher than the physical. However, the spiritual level could not exist without the lower levels. First, it couldn't have evolved without them. Second, the spiritual level emerges from the lower levels like a melody emerges from an orchestra or like life emerges from a collection of molecules in a cell.

For the first time in history, some part of existence had the ability to know itself and the world around it at a high level of thought. At this new level of thought, organisms could consciously create their own inner and outer worlds--not just react to the world. Humans could become creators of the world--not just residents or victims of it. Endowed with this new power, humans have changed the world more in the past hundred years than in the preceding million years. Imagine the differences in just the past 100 years--electricity, automobiles, televisions, airplanes, books, computers, colleges, hospitals, and modern homes.

Teilhard believed that, even within the spiritual level, higher spiritual levels are evolving. The seeds of this new level are present today. We are approaching a critical mass of information which could lead to a new level of integration and spirituality among all humans. We call part of this proliferation of information the knowledge explosion. The computer revolution has changed almost every aspect of society. Artificial intelligence is a whole new field for understanding and using intelligence in order to create robots and get more control over our machines and environment. As late as 1800, it would have been hard for most people to imagine the electronic marvels we have now.

Teilhard used the concept of higher consciousness to represent what many people mean by the more traditional word of spiritual[16]. Higher consciousness is a level at which we are more conscious and knowledgeable about ourselves as thinking, feeling persons. We can create and love an internal and external world that will meet our human needs. At higher levels of spirituality, we also care about our natural environment and all living creatures.

At the higher consciousness levels (in the psychological and philosophical realms), a similar phenomenon is possible. For example, we can see great progress in psychology. In 1900 psychological research was just beginning. Now psychologists publish hundreds of research articles each month. Self-development has mushroomed. When I was young, I couldn't find any self-help books to help me learn how to be happier. I didn't know what a psychologist was. Now, self-help books fill whole aisles in bookstores, and psychotherapy and self-help organizations are everywhere.

Dr. Roger Sperry, a Nobel-prize winning psychobiologist wrote about how science is taking this new level of consciousness seriously--as a powerful causal force shaping the present as well as the future. He states,



. . . this turnabout in the causal status of consciousness abolishes

the traditional science-values dichotomy. . . .

Subjective human values, no longer written off as ineffectual epiphenomena nor reduced to micro-phenomena, become

the most critically powerful force shaping today's civilized world,

the underlying answer to current global ills and a key to world change.

(The Science of the Mind, 1995, p. 37)


Groups, societies, and all humankind can collectively develop states of higher consciousness. Reaching that critical mass level can open new potentials that were previously beyond our imagination. Thousands of years ago, humans could live together peacefully only in small groups--such as extended families. Over time our abilities to organize and live together peacefully has evolved. The size of groups able to function in minimal harmony has grown from families to tribes, to small nations, to large nations, and eventually to a new world order that includes all nations and all people.

How is it that all of a sudden the iron curtain was dismantled? Why are there worldwide peace and environmental movements? Why has there been such a growth in acceptance of human diversity? The spiritual level is fermenting. As more people begin adopting healthy belief systems, they are producing constructive revolutions in our institutions.

In short, I am not the only one with a quest for happiness. We all thirst for happiness. We are learning how to find happiness from each other. We're moving toward some critical mass in which most of the people in the world will know about these keys to happiness. Then, the values of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" will have an explosive impact.

This new world culture will not only have the will and goal for happiness but the knowledge and other means to obtain happiness for most of its people most of the time. That is not just wishful thinking. Powerful creative forces are built into every cell of every living creature. These growth forces are providing the impetus to make this better world a reality. Humankind does learn from experience.

Perhaps, you find what I have been saying hard to believe right now. You may have a basic world view that is different. We don't all have to believe the same thing to be happy. I have just presented what I believe to be the truth. However, I suggest that you consider the following:

If you have a pessimistic view of the future,

you will be predisposed to negative thoughts and depression.

If you have an optimistic view of the future,

you will be predisposed to feel happy.

If you want to change an underlying cause of your negativism or depression, you must examine and replace negative world views

with more positive ones that you can honestly believe--

or at least hope for.


PRACTICE: Examine your basic world view--Is it negative or positive?

Part I: How does your view of the future compare to the ones discussed above? Do you believe in these creative forces inherent in life and the universe? Do you believe that they will probably triumph over chaos or negative forces? Why? How do these beliefs affect your daily thoughts and happiness?

Part II: Think and write about a possible more positive world view. Try reading works by more thoughtful, optimistic authors. The more ambitious reader might try Teihard's book, The Phenomenon of Man.




It would be easy to have a positive world view if everyone lived in paradise. It would be easy to have a positive world view if every part of the world was beautiful, if everyone was always treated with love and respect, and if everyone was given all they need to be happy and live forever. Unfortunately, we don't live in a world like that.

If scientists are correct, the earth started with no animal or plant life. Life on our planet has had to struggle to exist and to develop into higher forms. Life has always been a challenge and a series of overcoming problems. Evils such as illness, death, pain, unhappiness, cruelty, and destruction have been part of each generation. Even people who seem to have it all, in reality, have also experienced more pain, unhappiness, and hardship than others may ever see.


Negative life experiences can lead to a negative philosophy of life and pervasive anxiety and depression. My client was in her early 30's and had already led a life filled with tragic events. She grew up in a small Midwestern town exposed to "all American values"; except, her parents were both alcoholics and hid their secret well. On the surface, her family appeared normal. Yet behind closed doors, she had to take care of her younger brother and her intoxicated parents.

As a teenager, she escaped to the downtown area of Detroit. There she got involved with a man who said he would take care of her. Instead, he turned out to be a drug addict and dealer. He got her hooked on alcohol and a whole variety of drugs. Her life there was a nightmare.

Besides her drug dependence, she was physically, sexually, and verbally abused for several years. Her views of herself and the world grew very dark. She felt like she was in hell. There seemed to be no way out and suicide was a real option. Then she gave birth to her daughter. Although she had almost given up on herself, she decided that she wanted her daughter to get out of this terrible mess. Therefore, she went to Narcotics Anonymous and began a 12-step program to become drug and alcohol free.

She has now been in recovery for more than eight years and turned her life around. She began supporting herself and her daughter, went back to college, finished a bachelor's degree, and is now doing very well in a graduate social work program. She has immersed herself in self-development of all kinds. Besides Narcotics Anonymous, she has taken many classes, read many self-help books, and received counseling. Thinking positively has been a foundation of her new life.

When I met her in a class I taught, I was impressed by her openness, her thirst for learning, and her ability to interpret difficult situations positively. These characteristics have been the secrets to her recovery and success. However, it has not been easy.

After the class, she came in for counseling. Whenever she heard of gangs, drugs, or violence in our area, she would feel a sense of terror. She could not understand it. Her life was going so well, how could she still have flashbacks of these feelings. We explored her underlying beliefs and we discovered that a part of her still believed that the negative, dark forces of the world are "winning" and that the positive forces are "just struggling to survive."

      Her fear of the "dark forces' power" created an undercurrent of anxiety and depression that entered her thoughts daily. Her positive side had to keep fighting these negative thoughts. But in the past she had fought them on a superficial level. Instead of exploring and confronting her deeper world view, she often tried to substitute positive thoughts as band-aids. She would tell herself something like, "Everything will be ok, it's silly to worry about this." Her band-aid therapy helped her feel better temporarily, but did not change the source of the negative thoughts.

For example, one of the key underlying beliefs we discovered was that there were so many "bad guys" that they were overwhelming the "good guys" of the world. When we explored her "worst possible scenario," we found a feared image of the world eventually being overrun with drug addicts and violence. I asked her to look at her beliefs about that image and the evidence for it. She realized that much of her "evidence" came from the media and their preference for presenting many more negative than positive stories.


The creative forces are inherent in all life. I questioned her belief that the "world was going to Hell." I suggested that she look at this in a broader historical perspective and look at the progress that has been made in the past 5,000 years. I pointed out that within each cell and within each living organism, powerful forces are tenaciously pursuing health and harmony. These inherent forces are not just in a few good guys, but are part of every one of us. In addition, we all have a Higher Self inside--no matter how weak it may be.

      When I finished talking, she became animated and excited. She said she knew that what I said was true. She said that as I was talking she thought of her inner city experiences. Her daughter's father and the other people she lived with were hardened, violent criminals. Most people would believe that they were evil to the core.

However, she knew their backgrounds and could understand how abuse by others had empowered their inner, abusive parts. They had developed hardened shells to survive. Yet, she knew them well enough to see that each had a softer, more caring part. She had seen times when each of these hardened criminals showed vulnerability, empathy, tenderness, and love. She said, "I know that if these people have a Higher Self, then everyone does."

She no longer experiences the bolts of fear when she reads the morning paper or sees the evening news. She now believes the forces of love and happiness--though gentler--are stronger than the forces of raw power. They are winning the war.

Sometimes we tend to idealize the past, and therefore believe the world is going downhill. Sometimes we look at all the unethical, harmful people who have achieved financial success and power--even world leaders--and think that the "dark forces" are winning the war. However, when you have these negative thoughts, consider the creative forces in even the worst of people. Also, consider what Ralph Waldo Emerson (1991) wrote more than 150 years ago,


Things seem to tend downward, to justify despondency,

to promote rogues, to defeat the just; and yet by knaves, as by martyrs,

the just cause is carried forward.

Although knaves win in every political struggle,

although society seems to be delivered over

from the hands of one set of criminals into the hands

of another set of criminals as fast as the government is changed,

and the march of civilization is a train of felonies,

yet the general ends are somehow answered.

We see, now, events forced on, which seem to retard . . .

the civility of ages. But the world spirit is a good swimmer,

and storms and waves cannot drown him.

. . .throughout history, heaven seems to affect low and poor means.

Through toys and atoms, a great and beneficent tendency irresistibly streams.




OUR IDEAL WORLD versus REALITY: How can we be happy in an imperfect world?

One of my hobbies has been to invent ideas of what a more ideal world would be like. Perhaps you also imagine what a better world would be like--at least better for you. However, I live in the world as it is today. I cannot change the past and my abilities to change the future are limited.

If we do not accept the limitations of our situation--or of ourselves; then we are choosing to be unhappy. Some of the saddest and most unproductive words we can utter are "what if." "What if I had been born wealthy, beautiful, or with a happy family?" "What if we had discovered a cure for cancer?" "What if she hadn't left me?" "What if I had gotten that job?" "What if I hadn't made that dumb mistake?" "What if. . .?" instead try saying, "It is. . .and I will make the best of it--I will find some route to happiness."


If I am to be happy,

I must learn to accept and love this world as it is, was, and will be--

not focus on what is not, was not, or cannot be.


Every creative act also produces waste and "garbage." Our bodies take in food and convert that food into energy and into structural parts of our bodies. As part of this natural, growth process, our bodies also produce waste from that food. Any manufacturing or creative process also produces a certain amount of waste and garbage. With every creative idea or action, there is also a certain amount of waste or garbage that occurred in its production. Perhaps we had to make mistakes before we learned the right way to do it, or perhaps doing it produced negative side-effects.

Do you ever develop expectations that you should do something perfectly--with no mistakes or waste? I may make mistakes and I may make things worse. No matter how hard I try, I will produce a certain amount of waste and garbage.

To be happy it is necessary to accept and forgive mistakes--my own and the mistakes of others. Otherwise, we choose guilt and resentment over love and happiness. The only way to produce no waste is to think or do nothing. However, that would be the biggest waste of all! (Forgiveness of self and others is a major topic in Chapter 6.)


Our limited time on earth. One client who came in because of persistent depression and frequent suicidal thoughts said, "The religions teach you that there is life after death, but I don't believe it. What good is life if it is so short? You go though a few years of living, and then you die. I might as well die now."

His argument was like the fool who wished he had $100,000, but only had $100. He threw away the $100 because he thought, "It's not worth anything.” The wise man who had $100 said, "Since I only have $100, I must spend each dollar carefully and get the most for it--for each dollar is precious."


Our thoughts consist of different levels. At a lower (more specific, sensory, externally tied) level, we may react negatively to negative situations. However, we can overcome that initial negative reaction by viewing the whole situation from a higher, philosophical level.

Viewing it from a higher perspective can enable me to accept the situation and view it more constructively. This new view can help me feel better. We can use this method to rise above even the most painful situations. Our Higher Selves and constructive philosophies (or religious views) provide the beliefs for this higher perspective.

ACCEPTING THE "UNACCEPTABLE"--Such as Pain, Cruelty, and Death

What seems too unacceptable or too overwhelming for you to cope with? List all the situations you believe you could not stand or could not cope with.


PRACTICE: Stop and make that unacceptables list now. Imagine the worst possible conditions that you are most afraid of--no matter how unlikely they may seem right now. What are your greatest fears? Death? Blindness? Being alone? Poverty? A boring job? Failure? Rejection?


What if these unacceptable events happen despite your best efforts? As long as you have no way of viewing these "unacceptable" events (and their effects) in a minimally positive way, then they will be an underlying source of negative emotions. Whenever you perceive any possibility that these "unacceptable events" might occur, you will feel bolts of anxiety, depression, or other negative emotions.

Some events--such as death and taxes--either are inevitable or are a threat to all of us. Some of our most feared events might include poverty, failure, prolonged periods of pain, exposure to cruelty, illness, loss of loved ones, serious financial reverses, and death. You may wonder what value there is in even thinking of such terrible things. Why not just wait until we face poverty or death before thinking about them? If we consider such terrible things now, aren't we just bringing up a lot of bad feelings unnecessarily? Isn’t this negative thinking?

The strategy of avoiding these issues as long as possible may seem to work. However, even if we do not face a severe threat often, we still get less severe "reminders" that stir up fears of these unacceptables. My client's little reminders were stories about drugs and violence--what are yours?

If you live by the avoidance strategy, you will live a life full of little fears. If one of your worst fears does come true, you may be overwhelmed emotionally because you were totally unprepared. Facing your worst fears now immunizes you against all fears from those sources. It gives you earthquake insurance against both the big one that could hit anytime and the daily tremors of its reminders.


Once we learn to feel at peace about our "unacceptables," then we can feel calm about almost anything. During a workshop I gave at a professional convention, a woman, Genevieve, told this story. She had been in a severe automobile accident, and she was put in a full body cast. She was totally immobilized for more than a year, and could not use her legs, arms, or hands. It was not even possible to read or watch television. How would you feel? How would you cope with this situation for a year?  Could you be happy?

Lonely people are often terrified of being alone and don't know how to make themselves happy. Yet, Genevieve learned how to be happy in these extreme circumstances. At first, she didn't know how she would cope with being so cut off from normal sources of interest and happiness. Then, she heard a true story that helped her cope. A Vietnam prisoner-of-war was confined for over a year in a mud hut so small he could not even stand up. However, he chose to overcome his initial feelings of depression and resentment. Instead of thinking of himself as a helpless victim, he decided to take mental control of the situation. Instead of viewing the mud hut as his cell and his guards as his captors, he viewed the hut as his home and viewed the guards as his guests. For example, he would save bits of his meager rice ration. Then periodically he offered the rice to the guards, whom he treated as guests in his home. He found happiness in the mud hut by living according to his beliefs--not theirs.

Genevieve realized that the source of happiness was in her mind--not in the external world she was so isolated from. She overcame boredom by generating interesting and loving thoughts. When Genevieve had guests in her hospital room, she focused her attention on helping them become happier. She gave so much that her small daughter once said, "Mommy, it isn't fair that you cheer everyone else up--you're the one who is sick." Her daughter was too young to understand.

She immersed herself in thoughts about her life and her future. She changed many of her basic beliefs and values. During her year in the cast, she changed her life in many ways. Genevieve decided to pursue her "impossible dream" of getting a doctorate and a job in counseling--goals that she has since accomplished.

Before the cast, she had low self-esteem; afterward she loved herself and was confident about the future. Before the cast she was shy, timid, and fearful; afterward she was outgoing and assertive. How well did she adjust to being in this full body cast for over a year? "It was the happiest and most important year of my life."

It may be time for you to face your worst possible fears. If you can develop a way of viewing them (or planning for them) so that you know how you can be happy despite being in that situation,  then you will be set free from those worst fears. Genevieve said, "Now I know that I can overcome almost anything. If I could be happy in that situation, I can be happy in almost any situation."

Once you have faced your worst fears and successfully overcome them--in your mind; then you can say confidently, "Now I know that I can overcome almost anything. If I could be happy in that situation, I can be happy in almost any situation."


Dealing With the "Ultimate Negative Event"--death. The existentialist philosophers and psychologists recognized that there are certain types of major problems in life that we all know will happen to us. Death is one of those unavoidables. Have you ever had a strong experience with death--such as almost dying yourself, losing someone you loved, or fearing the loss of someone you loved?

Have you ever given much thought about your own death? How would you feel if your health or life was threatened for a long time? If dwelling upon any of these topics is uncomfortable for you, then you have not dealt constructively enough with the issue of death. Overcoming your fear of serious catastrophes and death is a necessary step toward achieving peace and maximum happiness.

If we can learn to deal with our fear of death, then perhaps we can use this as a model to deal with any negative event. Each different religion makes dealing with death a central theme. What is your view of death--especially your own death? How do you feel when you think of the possibility of dying?

We do not need to view death as good in order to rise above our negative feelings about it. I view it as one of the "ultimate bads"--we cannot be healthy and happy if we are dead. So how do we develop a view of death that helps us deal with the death of someone close or our own potential death? People have developed many different views that help them accept death or feel better about it. Each person must find a view that is consistent with their other beliefs--such as their religious or scientific beliefs. Some hope they will go to a better place after dying, some believe in reincarnation, some believe they will live on through their children and their children, and some focus on their accomplishments lasting beyond them.

A view of death is emotionally effective only to the degree that we can truly believe it. However, we can create our own image that is a partial solution based on our own reasoning. Even if we cannot know that it is true, we can hope that it is true. Don’t underestimate the power of hope. Hope is a force that goes beyond belief. In many cases, hope can ultimately create reality as well as reflect it.

I have struggled with my fear of death from many different philosophical and religious perspectives. Currently, I focus on my belief in life as a gift and my appreciation of every moment of life. I would like to live forever because I love life. I live a healthy lifestyle to extend my life as long as possible. However, I know that I will die someday and want to have an accepting attitude about it.

I hope for future awareness in some life form I don’t currently understand. No matter how likely or unlikely that hope may be, I can still hope to be conscious at some point in the future. My knowledge is too limited to know how that could happen, but this hope comforts me and helps me accept death.

Another great fear of mine is that my wife, Sherry might die. (She fears the same about my death.) However, we both know that we are each responsible for our own happiness and have the philosophy of life and life skills to be happy--even if the other should die. That knowledge comforts us. It also helps give us confidence that we could overcome any loss. That confidence gives us a sense of security that radiates through our entire life and affects even daily "little fears."


Fears of poverty or lifestyle changes. I have talked with many college students who feared losing financial support upon graduation and feared not finding a job. I have talked with other college students who were leaving home (often after a conflict) and had no means of support. I have talked with people who were leaving a marriage or a partner who had been supporting them and were terrified of not being able to financially take care of themselves.

Often, these people have a real fear of being homeless and on the streets. Or they may fear drastic changes in lifestyle which seem totally unacceptable: having no car, living in a small room or rundown apartment, having no money for entertainment, or not being able to afford the type of social life they were used to. Or perhaps their fear is working in a job which is far below their potential.

Remember, the more confident we are that we can find routes to happiness in a certain scenario, the less fear of the scenario we will have. When I work with people facing poverty or restricted lifestyles, then we look at what their basic needs and values are. We look at activities they can still enjoy that are free or inexpensive--reading, walking, enjoying nature, visiting, watching TV, helping others, sports, listening to music, "personal sex," or thinking. Then the person develops a plan for what he or she would actually do if that scenario were to become a reality.

For example one client couldn't sleep because he was hopelessly in debt, was making far less money than he was spending, and could not pay his rent. He had tremendous anxiety because his mind kept going in circles. Generating this anxiety was a fear of being homeless. He kept repeating, "I don't know what I'll do, I don't know what I'll do." His lack of clear routes to happiness created the anxiety.

We explored his fear in detail and he planned what he would do if he could not afford a place to live. He could rent a storage unit and move his furniture and extra things into it. He could live in his car until he found a job and saved enough money to pay for a less expensive room. He thought living in his car would be like "camping out”--a much more positive way of looking at his situation. Immediately, he felt much better. "What a relief." Instead of viewing "homelessness" as some sort of death, he actually chose “homelessness” until he got his finances in order.

A few weeks later when I saw him again, he had found a job, had a room, and was financially stable again. He said his experience living in his car had not been bad at all. He said, "Being homeless was not nearly as bad as the fear of being homeless." This sounds like Franklin Roosevelt’s statement, “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.”


Every day there are thousands of negative events occurring all over the world--people are abused, mistreated, sick, and dying. If I choose, I could focus on these events and feel miserable every minute of my life. Many of us live our lives focusing on those negative events or others closer to home. Focusing too much on these negatives creates a negative inner experience. It can lead to recurring unhappiness and depression.

If we really care about others, how else can we react? One alternative is to ignore these events. I know people who will never watch a news program or read a newspaper because of so much negative news. I can appreciate their efforts to draw boundaries and screen out a certain amount of negative inputs. That can be a partial solution to the problem.

However, we cannot completely screen out all of the negative news of the world. To do so would cause us to be become hermits and turn away from responsible involvement in the world. One result can be like a woman I met who was retired. She lived in a small apartment and constricted her world more and more until she became afraid of almost everything outside the safe haven of her apartment. Then she gradually became suspicious of her neighbors too. The more she constricted her world, the more suspicious and frightened she became. Constriction and fear became mutually reinforcing until she reached an isolated, almost paranoid state. Avoiding our fears and constricting our world is not the answer to overcoming our fears.

If we care, it is natural to have initial negative feelings to negative events. However, it is how we deal with these initial negative feelings that is important. We can let them habitually overwhelm us and entrap us, or we can develop a positive philosophy of life and world view that will help us "rise above" these negative events.


Do you ever feel guilty for feeling good when someone else is feeling bad? Does part of you feel like you should suffer after watching all the "bad news" on TV?  If you visit a sick friend, is it better to be upset so they know you care or to be in a good mood to help them feel better? It is possible to care about the other, show concern, and feel good. The combination may help cheer them up.


"Mutual misery" versus "Mutual happiness" as a sign of caring. Many of us have learned that "If we care about someone who is feeling bad, we should feel bad too.” We have learned to measure our degree of caring by how badly we feel when the other hurts. According to this mutual misery philosophy, the more you suffer when I am suffering, the more you must care about me. If, on the other hand, you feel happy when I am miserable, then you must not care about me and you are a "bad," "uncaring" person.

The logical conclusion of the mutual misery philosophy is that both people will end in dramatic expressions of suffering. You may have witnessed people who suffered together dramatically and created beautiful misery together to convince everyone how much they care. Is that what we want? Wouldn't it be better if caring could be expressed more simply and honestly, and both people could end feeling happy?

There is a philosophy other than the "mutual misery" approach. I call it the mutual happiness approach. In this approach, we do not have to prove that we care for one another by our own suffering. We show our caring by our gifts of understanding, comfort, or whatever it takes to help us both feel happier.

We can express sensitivity and empathy by asking them how they feel and be willing to listen if they want to talk about their feelings. Being upset ourselves is not what the other person needs. The clients who come to see me don't want to find a therapist that gets depressed over their problems. They want someone who will listen effectively, show caring, and help them solve their problems. They want someone who is confident and realistically optimistic.

In the mutual happiness philosophy, we measure how much we care by how much we attempt to contribute to the other person's happiness. We express our caring by doing something active to help them. Alternatively, we might decide that the best gift is freedom and support so they can take care of their own needs. That is especially true in codependent relationships.

A student of mine, who had been gravely ill, recently read this section. She said that people visiting sick people needed to understand how important this section is. When she had been in the hospital, she disliked having people visit her who were too upset about the seriousness of her condition.

They not only increased the "gloom" of the situation; in addition she said, "I wanted to cheer them up; but I was so sick, I felt a tremendous burden." On the other hand, she looked forward to seeing people who were happy and cheerful--she felt no burden and their cheerfulness helped her feel better. Just what the Doctor ordered!

The best way you can help me when I am feeling bad is to feel good, because I care about your feelings. Similarly, if you care about me, I expect you will ultimately want me to feel good after your misfortune. Both bad feelings and good feelings are contagious. Which do you want to give?


Being honest has always been one of my most important values. When I was 16 and first began considering a more positive view of life, I had a serious reservation about "positive thinking." I didn't want to fool myself or be naive. I wondered, "How can I think positively without being dishonest with myself? Aren't I fooling myself?"

I realized that being honest with myself is not really so simple. I knew that I wanted to be totally honest with myself, but I realized that most situations in life are ambiguous. The truth is usually not so clear. If a situation is ambiguous, there are two types of errors I can make: the first is to be too optimistic and the second is to be too pessimistic. However, I decided right then that I would rather err in the direction of feeling too positive throughout my life than err in the direction of feeling too negative.


I would rather go through life being too optimistic and happy

than too pessimistic and depressed.

Consider two types of errors.

First, consider being too optimistic.

What if at the end of my life,

I found that I had been too optimistic about the future?

At least I would have spent my life being happy.


Next, consider being too pessimistic.

What if at the end of my life, I found that I had been too pessimistic?

I would have spent my life being unnecessarily depressed

and wasted all that worry and misery.

How sad!


Our view of an ambiguous situation can profoundly affect our emotions and our actions. A sudden change in our interpretation can have dramatic effects on those emotions and our behavior. It can also dramatically affect others around us.

A 22-year-old client came in because she had been angry with her father for months. She thought that he was being "totally selfish," "no longer really cares about what happens to me," and "doesn't want me around anymore.” Their communication had all but stopped, they would constantly bicker about little things, and it had gotten so bad that sometimes she would purposely do things to "get even."

It did appear that her father had been doing many things in which he was reducing contact and support of her--with no explanation. However, after hearing in detail about the history of their relationship, it seemed to me that her father really did care about her.

I noticed that she had been fueling her own anger all this time by focusing only upon her negative interpretation of his behavior. I asked her why she thought her father was doing these things. The only thing she could think of was that he never really cared for her as much as she had always thought. No wonder she felt so hurt and angry! I suggested a more positive interpretation of his actions. Let's start by assuming that he really loved her. Suppose that he thought she might want more independence and want to be treated more as an equal adult. She seemed interested.

After the Christmas break, she had returned from a visit home and was elated! She said that everything was fine now. She had talked with her father and had discussed this issue in a more positive, understanding manner. She had found that his own explanation was similar to the one we had discussed; he was just trying to treat her more like an adult.

They developed a completely new and more positive understanding beyond anything she had thought possible only a few weeks before. Had we worked some miracle? By changing her interpretation to the positive, understanding one that assumed the best of her father's motives, she also changed her behavior. She became open, communicative, and viewed his words and actions more positively. What had begun as a long complaint list about her father, ended with mutual understanding and renewed affection.





SHAQ Research Results: Overcoming Worst Fears


   Because I suspected that people’s underlying worst fears were important causes of their emotions, I created the SHAQ Low Greatest Fears scale and subscales.

   The Low Greatest Fears (LowGF) scale had a strong relationship to the Overall Happiness scale. The correlation was r = .55.   The LowGF scale correlated .48 with Low Depression, .45 with Low Anxiety, and .38 with the Low Anger/Aggression scale. The LowGF scale also correlated with good Relationship Outcomes, .31; Health Outcomes, .32; Highest Personal Income, .18; Highest Education Completed, .10; and College GPA, .19.


Greatest Fears Subscales. The four subscales of the GF scale and their correlates to outcomes are:

1. Low Fears of Illness and Death: Happiness,.22; Low Depression, .22; Low Anxiety, .31; Low Anger, .30; Good Relationships, .09; Health, .25; Income, .08; Education level, .07; college GPA, .05.

2. Low Fears of Failure and Poverty: Happiness, .38; Low Depression, .31; Low Anxiety, .30; Low Anger, .27; Relationships, .16; Health, .23; Income, .19; Education, .07; College GPA, .07.

3. Low Rejection/Social-Related Fears: Happiness, .49; Low Depression, .44; Low Anxiety, .37; Low Anger, .28; Relationships, .32; Health, .26; Income, .14; Education, .08; College GPA, .06.

4. Low Self-Related Fears: Happiness, .57; Low Depression, .48; Low Anxiety, .43; Low Anger, .38; Relationships, .33; Health, .28; Income, .12; Education, .08; College GPA, .11.


   It should be clear that these underlying fears are substantially related to happiness and success and that working to overcome them should be a high priority for anyone who chooses to be happy, healthy, and successful in relationships and other areas of life. Use the self-exploration techniques (Ch-2), planning, reframing, and other methods suggested in this book to overcome your worst fears.


Note:  All correlations, p < .0001 and N’s ranged from 2048 to 3199.




Have I received enough?


Do you sometimes feel cheated by life or by another person? Do you ever think about how much more fortunate other people are than you? Do you wonder why they have more money, better opportunities, better parents, a more beautiful body, or more talents? Does life seem unfair?

Do you ever feel that no one really cares about you? Do you ever resent others who have what you feel you deserve? What if they didn't earn it and you did? How do you feel when you get these thoughts? Hurt? Sad? Angry? These aren't happy feelings.

These emotions are caused by the belief that you have received less than your expectation level (or that you will receive less than what you expect). You may believe that you have received less than you deserve or less than is fair. You may believe that you actually do have less than you deserve and have rightfully earned. Perhaps most people would agree with you.



Deficit motivation. Deficit motivation is believing that we have received less than we expect, minimally need to be happy, or deserve. It is believing that we are always working just to get to that state of meeting our minimum expectation, "being even," or getting what we are owed. Deficit motivation is feeling like we are in a deep hole and are just trying to climb out.

Deficit motivation is being in debt and just trying to pay off all we owe. We feel resentment and feel like a victim. We could react by being aggressive toward others "to get what we deserve." On the other hand, we might withdraw, give up, and feel sorry for ourselves. The result of giving up is apathy and depression.


Abundance motivation. Abundance motivation means believing that we have more than we minimally need or expect. If we think we have more than we minimally need or expect, then we feel grateful (and happy). We appreciate what we have--to get more is a bonus. We will feel minimal resentment and can focus on getting more because we want it--not because we are owed it or deserve it.

If we really do have a lot compared to other people, it may seem easy to feel abundance motivation. However, people's perception of their deficit or abundance often has little relationship to their actual abundance. Remember how the POW saved his meager rations of rice and shared his "abundance" with his guests (guards). Remember how grateful Genevieve was for her year in the body cast. Their abundance came from a spiritual abundance--not a material one.

I am also reminded of a dentist friend who flew to Mexico on weekends. He gave free dental work to the poor in rural villages. He was amazed at how happy the children were compared to children in the U. S.--despite their extreme poverty. The children of the villages seemed happier with their makeshift toys of sticks and stones than many of the children he knew--who had every toy invented. When he brought in a load of used toys to these children for Christmas, they went wild. They appreciated these used toys much more than the children he knew appreciated new toys.

Why do the children who receive so much less appreciate so much more? The American children thought that they "deserved" expensive gifts of their exact choosing. The key to the puzzle is not how much they actually receive, but how much they expect to receive.


Setting high minimum expectations creates deficit motivation. A professional I know began graduate school at a time when people in her occupation were in great demand and were starting at high salaries. Companies were making attractive offers right and left. She developed the expectation that if she were to complete graduate school, a great, high-paying job would await her upon graduation. She was divorced and had children. She worked long hours, took care of her children, and attended school for many years before she completed her goal. It was as if she thought she had a contract with God or Society that if she were to sacrifice so much, then she should earn a great job with high pay.

However, when she completed school, the job market had radically changed. People were being laid off in her field and jobs were hard to get. Nevertheless, she was very competent and got a good job--a job many others would have been happy to get. Yet, for years, she felt a deep resentment about her pay and her job.

For years, she still felt "cheated" by God, society, fate, or someone. Her resentment affected her in many ways. At work, she felt that she was not getting what she deserved. Her house, her car, and her lifestyle were less than they "should" be. She felt like a victim of "the Economy" or something. Eventually, she learned that she was just making herself unhappy.


She decided to rethink her original expectations and "contract.” She realized that no one had ever really promised her that she would get the job she had imagined. My friend realized that she had created that expectation and accepted her responsibility for overestimating the future job prospects.

She accepted the reality of the situation and finally realized that she could be happy on a lot less than her current job. She reset her minimum expectations to a level that was significantly below her current job. After a serious job search, she decided that she would rather stay where she was. After all those years, it was the first time she ever felt grateful for her job and her life.


Entitlement thinking versus appreciation for life's gifts. When we read the papers, watch the news, or listen to politicians, we often hear that we are "entitled" to certain things. We believe all children in our country are entitled to good health care, a good education, and good parenting. We may believe that we are entitled to live in a city with good streets, fire and police protection, good parks, and low pollution. We may also believe that we are entitled to live in a house with good plumbing, electricity, a telephone, TV, and other conveniences.

Where did these entitlements or rights come from? Who promised us these things in life? Did God give them to us? Did the government give them to us? "Entitlement" or "rights" are just ideas that exist in our heads. Many politicians, TV and newspaper reporters, parents, and others believe we have these rights. It is natural for parents to want their children to "have the best.” However, often the idea transmitted to the children is that they have a right to have the best.

Often associated with beliefs about rights and entitlements is the assumption that people cannot be healthy or happy without these minimum entitlements. Yet two hundred years ago even the wealthiest people somehow managed to survive without cars, TVs, dinner at Luigi's, CD players, telephones, or even electricity and indoor plumbing. Today, even people living "below the poverty line" have many of these conveniences. We believe that we must have these basic "necessities" to be happy.

Yet, today, many people in the world do not have these "necessities." The problem with entitlement thinking is its implications. One negative implication of entitlement thinking is that we are not strong enough to be happy without these necessities.










Another implication is that if we do not receive these entitlements, we are being cheated. These thoughts cause feelings of resentment and self-pity. Entitlement thinking is just another form of deficit thinking.

I strongly support the goal that we all have advantages such as basic health care, education, and lots of material possessions. However, I support these goals because I care about people's health and happiness--not because people are entitled to these advantages. I do not believe these modern advantages are essential to people's happiness.

The alternative to entitlement thinking is appreciative-assertive thinking. Appreciative-assertive thinking is believing in zero entitlement and zero rights. I am entitled to nothing: I was born into this world naked with no possessions and given my time in this world by powers beyond myself. I was not entitled to that time nor did I do anything to earn it. Ultimately, I cannot "deserve" anything, because I would have nothing without having been given my life and my powers.

Therefore, I am eliminating the ideas of "earning," "deserving," "fairness," and "entitlement" from my basic way of thinking and from my vocabulary as much as is possible. We do not need these entitlement ideas; they just lead to resentment. We can replace them with ideas like "assertion" and "agreement."

I want to be happy myself and want others to be happy not because we deserve it, but because I want it and I love myself unconditionally. It is because I have chosen to make happiness of self and others my ultimate concern (or top goal). I choose it and I assert it; I don’t need to justify it or rationalize it as something I am entitled to.

Appreciative-assertive thinking is a form of abundance thinking. We start with zero minimal expectations. We may set goals to receive friendship, a good job, money, a nice home, or whatever else that might contribute to our happiness. We can work hard to achieve those goals. Yet there is no guarantee that we will obtain what we seek. Everything we receive is a bonus over our initial naked condition.


President John F. Kennedy recognized the pervasiveness and destructiveness of entitlement thinking when he stated, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." If I accept Kennedy's statement, I shift from being a needy person who must be taken care of by society to a person who is strong enough to take care of myself and has enough left over to give to society. Both society and I benefit from this shift in belief systems.


Deficit motivation is victim motivation; abundance motivation is power motivation. Ponder the figure of the twins--one with deficit thinking and the other with abundance thinking--and consider the following.

If I view myself as having an abundance to meet my needs, I feel happy, grateful, and peaceful. Getting more is fun. In this case, the rich get richer.

If I view myself as having a deficit of less than I need, I will feel like a victim--deprived, angry, or depressed. In this case, the poor get poorer.


One of my clients came in because all of her previous relationships had ended "in disaster.” Typically, they would begin with an initial period of happiness and fun. As they spent more time together and got closer, she began to feel more dependent on him for "making her happy." He began to feel pressure to be with her instead of desire to be with her. As he felt more trapped and more desire for freedom, she sensed his feelings and feared that he wanted out of the relationship. That in turn only caused her to get more "needy" and demanding for his time and attention--driving him farther and farther away.

She was terrified of being abandoned. As a result, she became possessive and tried to manipulate her partner into being with her every free moment. She also became jealous of other women. Her current relationship was "on the rocks" and looked as if it might end like the rest had. She was feeling very upset about its possible end and confused about why this kept happening to her.

We explored the problem more. She thought that everyone who had loved her had abandoned her. Her father, to whom she had been very attached, had left her at an early age. She had never felt close to her mother, who had resented taking care of her. Since she had been abandoned by everyone, she secretly believed that it was at least partly because something was severely wrong with her. She had tried everything to become more appealing and attractive. In many ways, she had succeeded. Yet men continued to leave her. Their leaving only heightened her worry, "Something is deeply wrong with my personality."

"All of my life I have wanted to find a man who would love me and never leave me." That was a key part of her problem. Where was she to find such a man? The problem started as a little girl. She developed the belief that to be happy she must have someone to love her and take care of her forever. Possibly, because her father left her, this "must" became a top priority goal in her life--possibly even her "ultimate concern."

The reality was that she had no close, affectionate, long-lasting relationship with anyone. Therefore, there was a huge gap between her "must have" expectation and her reality. This gap created a  powerful deficit motivation. She felt "cheated" and a "victim" of others--especially men, because "No matter how hard I try to please them and make the relationship work, they always leave me. Men are 'flakes.'"

That was her point of view. Part of the problem was that she expected too much of men. No man would love her and stay with her "unconditionally." Almost any man would leave if he became too unhappy in the relationship.

It wasn't that all men were "flakes." Her fear of their leaving actually drove them away. She was so terrified of their leaving that she became possessive and manipulative. Her partners wouldn't tolerate this behavior for long.

In order to keep from being so possessive, needy, and manipulative, she had to greatly reduce her fear of being abandoned and being alone. She would have to feel calm when she imagined men leaving her.

Once I explained my hypothesis to her, she acknowledged that she had been afraid that something like this was going on, but she hadn't understood it so clearly. We worked on eliminating deficit thinking and developing abundance thinking. First, she needed to lower her expectations. She needed to question her old assumptions that to be happy, she must have a man love and take care of her.

She needed to accept  her worst fear that she could be alone indefinitely. No matter how good a relationship she had, her partner could always leave or die. There was no absolute security that she would not be alone. No one owed her their time. That type of thinking only leads to deficit thinking, hurt, and deep resentment. Instead, she needed to have "zero expectations" that a man would love her and take care of her.

How could she learn to accept and to be calm about being alone? She could learn that she can take care of herself and make herself happy--especially during periods when she is alone. Expecting someone else to "make her happy" was unrealistic. Learning how to enjoy life living alone takes some skill and time. However, just believing in the possibility calmed her.

She also gave up her deficit thinking assumption that she and her partner should be together all of the time. She chose the "zero expectation" that, "I do not automatically assume any togetherness. Any time together is a bonus for which I am grateful."

Consequently, she no longer needed to possess her partner; and she no longer needed to manipulate him into being with her. Her new approach delighted her partner and their relationship improved dramatically. More important, she was overcoming this long-term abandonment issue, and she was overcoming her fear of being alone. Her self-esteem was rising, and she was feeling much happier.


Summary: Deficit thinking has many negative consequences. When we choose to continue believing that we have less than we "deserve" or "must" have, then we choose deficit motivation. The consequences of deficit thinking are feeling hurt or resentful. We may view ourselves as "victims."

Deficit thinking can even create paranoid type thinking: thinking that other people are actively trying to prevent us from getting what we deserve--when they are not. Negative assumptions about others often lead to either withdrawal from relationships or open anger and conflict.

Deficit thinking may focus more on "who is to blame" than on important issues. In addition, we may give ourselves  negative messages that we are too weak to cope with the situation. We are too weak to make ourselves happy if we don't get what we are "entitled" to. These messages lower self-esteem.


Abundance thinking creates positive motivation. Abundance thinking starts with having no assumptions about what we will receive in life. We develop zero expectations about what we will receive. We make zero assumptions about what anyone will give us. "Anyone" means God, nature, society, parents, peers, or any loved one. Everything we get is a gift. We receive the gift because the giver presented it to us, not because we "deserved" it.



What are the implications of abundance motivation in everyday situations? If I develop a disease and become disabled so that I cannot work, no one (including society) "owes" me anything.

Lack of obligation does not mean that we cannot choose to care for each other's welfare and happiness. If we care for our own and others' welfare, we will choose as a society to adopt social policies beneficial to all. For example, society can adopt a kind of social insurance, so that it will help people who are physically unable to earn an income. In that way we can all feel more secure about our fears that if we become disabled we will have an income. We develop a social policy because we choose to, not because society inherently "owes" it to anyone. Society develops a contract with its members. Social security works that way.

Let's apply abundance thinking to the example of a contract. If I contract with someone to provide a service, I expect to be paid after I do my job. However, I am not naive. Many events could prevent payment. Thus, overly expecting that the other person will keep his or her end of the bargain is not only foolish, but it can also cause a great deal of wasted emotion. It is better to hope for the best, but keep an open mind.

Suppose the other person is a crook and never intended to pay. Focusing on my deprivation, moralizing, blaming, working myself into a frenzy about being cheated, and developing a deep resentment only create anger inside me. I do not need anger to take action. The excess anger doesn't hurt the other person or balance the scales, it only takes away from my own happiness.

I can still choose to take action to receive payment or restitution, because I still want to receive the money and I do not want to encourage the other person to cheat more people. However, there is no need to get in a stew about it--that only hurts me. Being cheated only hurts me if it undermines my happiness.

My abundance comes not from the amount of money I have in the bank, but from the amount of happiness I have in my life. If being "cheated" does not seriously undermine my being a happy person, then it has not done me too much harm.

Even if the cheating harms me in some real ways, I will be happier if I accept the new situation and move on. I can pick up the pieces and set new goals given the new reality. Abundance thinking keeps me in control of my emotions and gives me positive motivation for maximizing my positive actions to accomplish realistic goals.

Abundance thinking is better illustrated by this true story. A friend, George, was close to his eldest son. He and his son had dreamed for years that his son would complete medical school and then go into private practice with George. His son struggled to get accepted into medical school; then he struggled through it. Just after graduation, father and son finally began their practice together. A few months later, a drunk driver ran a light and killed his son.

At first, George was devastated. However, I received a copy of a poem George sent to friends and family a few weeks later. The poem expressed no anger, instead it expressed George’s gratitude for the time his son had walked the earth and for the joy that his son had brought into George’s life and the lives of others. That is abundance thinking!


To create abundance thinking. If you want to choose abundance thinking over deficit thinking, try the following:

1. Create "zero expectations" of what you will receive. Abundance thinking means creating "zero expectations." Do not automatically assume that you will receive anything. Instead, you will be mentally prepared for the worst possible case. Think positively about your chances of receiving what you want, but that is quite different from assuming that you will get what you want. Do not assume that you "must have," "should have," or ultimately "deserve" anything. You do not assume that God, nature, society, or any other source has established absolute rules for what you "should receive."

2. Use appreciate-assertive thinking. Replace all of the phrases like "should have" or "must have" with the phrase "I want.” Assert that you want something based upon your choice of your ultimate concern for happiness for yourself and others.

That assertion is sufficient reason for wanting it. You do not need to justify it from any other moral code or set of "shoulds.” Nor is there any moral code or set of "shoulds" that indicates you "deserve" to have it. Everything you receive in life is ultimately a gift. You would have nothing without the gift of life, the gift of your environment, and the gift of your abilities. Once you view the situation this way, everything good in life becomes a bonus: a gift you did not get because you deserved it, but a gift that you are grateful for.

3. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Foster abundance thinking by assuming that you are responsible for your own happiness and that no one else is. Developing your interests, knowledge, and skills in areas that help you take better care of yourself and make yourself happy. Know that even when you are poor in some area(s) of life, you can still find routes to happiness like Genevieve (in the body cast), the POW, and Victor Frankl have done.

 4. Focus on positive "wants" and goals. Give up trying to justify what you want with "shoulds" and give up expecting other people to meet your needs for you. Then you are free to focus on what you want and take responsibility for getting it yourself. In abundance thinking, you start with the assumption that you can be happy with what you have. However, you are free to want more and to keep setting challenging goals to receive more. If you meet the goals, it is a bonus to the happiness you already have. If you do not, that is ok because you can be happy with what you have.


PRACTICE: Compare your own deficit thinking with abundance thinking. (1) Think of an area where you feel abundance thinking. (2) Compare that abundance area thinking to any area where you experience deficit thinking. (If you are having trouble thinking of one, think of an area where you feel that you "are in a hole" or have less than you "deserve.” It could be that you feel that you received less than you "should" from your parents, education, peers, work opportunities, or almost anything.) (3) Use the self-exploration technique (from Chapter 2) to explore your feelings, images, thoughts, underlying beliefs, and history of this deficit thinking. Then try to replace your deficit thinking with abundance thinking.


Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst,

expect something between,

and be grateful for all that you receive.





Have you made a conscious choice that you want to spend as much of your time feeling happy as possible? How many minutes of the day did you feel happy yesterday? Today? How can you spend as many minutes of your life feeling happy as possible?

One way you can feel happier is to develop a more positive world view. Making happiness your ultimate concern and developing a positive world view can help you feel better on a moment-to-moment basis.


There are 3,600 seconds in an hour and 57,600 seconds in a normal 16-hour waking day. If we have one thought per second (much less than the brain's capacity), then we have about 60,000 thoughts in one day. What percentage of your 60,000 thoughts lead to positive emotions and what percentage to negative ones?

One day I decided to try an experiment--to let my inner observer watch my thousands of thoughts for a day. I wanted to see if I could let my Higher Self intervene so that I could have a higher percentage of positive thoughts and feelings. First, I noticed that having breakfast outdoors on our sunny patio triggered lots of positive thoughts. As I read the morning paper, a headline on gang violence ignited a stream of negative thoughts and emotions. In the past, articles like this had set off negative thoughts causing depressed or angry feelings. In the past, the negative thoughts were not countered by positive thoughts to help me deal with those specific negative thoughts.

 This day, I decided to try to think of a new perspective for viewing gangs and gang violence. One of my worst fears was that gangs would spread uncontrollably and that gang members were "lost souls" who would cause immeasurable harm. I turned to my Higher Self for an answer. Were there positive forces in the universe that might help counteract this trend? I realized that one of my beliefs is that there are positive forces working for harmony and happiness within all life forms--even in the worst gang members.

Well, the day was going pretty well so far. Later, as I was walking across the university campus, I noticed that I started thinking about the university "budget crisis.” Everyone on campus was talking about it, and most people felt as though there were a dark cloud over the school. I noticed that I was thinking of the university as a depressing place right now--another stream of negative thoughts.

Therefore, I decided to put this "budget crisis" into perspective and asked myself what the university was all about. It was not primarily about being a place of depression and crisis. I focused on my beliefs about the positive mission of the university. I also applied the idea of zero expectations to the reduced funding problem. I realized that despite all the financial problems, the university still supported a great deal of teaching, research, and creative thought. The university gives these creative thoughts to thousands of students who flow into the community and help it become a better place for us all. I created a mental image of our university as a giant fountain overflowing with knowledge into the community. That wonderful image made my day.

During that day, I also noticed that occasionally I didn't have any thoughts pressing to enter my mind, and I would feel bored. During those periods, it was easy to let negative thoughts enter the vacuum. I started searching my mind for sources of positive thoughts. My positive interests and the loves of my life were good sources of positive thoughts. So I would start thinking about something that interested me. Or, I might focus more on the present and pay more detailed attention to my environment. I could appreciate the beauty in the trees, in the birds' singing, or in the people I saw.


PRACTICE: Get control of your daily stream of thoughts--think and feel more positively. These were real examples from that one day in my life. Try observing yourself for one day. Keep a log of them. (Use the self-exploration process described in Chapter 2 to help you with this exercise.)

(1) Observe emotions and thoughts. What thoughts are associated with positive and negative emotions? Observe positive and negative emotions in a neutral, almost scientific manner. What types of thoughts precede positive versus negative emotions? 

(2) How are you viewing external events? What external events preceded the positive and negative thoughts? What assumptions intervene between the external event and the negative thoughts? How can you question these assumptions or see them from a new or higher point of view?

(3) List recurring positive and negative themes. What themes are present in many thoughts associated with positive emotions? With negative emotions? List them. (Examples: achievement, failure, rejection, fear of being alone, worry about money, desire for respect, embarrassment, injustice, pressure from others, or worry about someone you care for.)

(4) List inner sources of positive and negative thoughts. What parts of yourself (or belief systems) are producing these positive or negative thoughts? What additional parts of yourself can you use as sources of positive points of view and thoughts? Your Higher Self, positive interests, and positive belief systems are key sources. Themes supporting higher values such as truth, beauty, creativity, love, romance, art, growth, family, self-sufficiency, internal control, play, and kindness are powerful sources of positive thoughts. List them.

(5) Plan to control your thought-stream (therefore emotions). List what you can do to decrease negative thoughts and replace them with more positive, realistic thoughts. (Examples: Get in touch with positive themes; question and confront negative themes with new higher points of view; avoid unnecessary negative inputs from people, media, or situations.)

          Are some negative themes, belief systems, or parts of yourself generating such persistent sources of negative thoughts that you need to find better ways of coping with them? For example, do you need to weed out deficit thinking and replace with abundance thinking? Do you need to work on building a positive world view, overcoming fears of poverty, being alone, or failure? Do you need to build up positive sources (such as your Higher Self) by exposure to positive sources, study, therapy, or deep thinking? Other chapters deal with many of these issues.






SHAQ Research Results: Positive World View


   Compared to other factors researchers have studied, SHAQ’s Positive World View (PWV) scale had a strong relationship to the Overall Happiness scale. The correlation was r = .72 and the EffectSize was .52. That means that the PWV scale alone can predict with 52% accuracy our users’ Overall Happiness score.

   The PWV correlated .55 with Low Depression, .47 with Low Anxiety, and .42 with the Low Anger/Aggression. scale (predicting 30% of the Low Depression scale score, 22% of the Low Anxiety scale score, and 18% of the Low Anger-Aggression scale score). The PWV scale also correlated with good Relationship Outcomes, .48; Health Outcomes, .39; Highest Personal Income, .18; Highest Education Completed, .09; and College GPA, .10.


Positive World View Subscales. The three subscales of the PWV scale and their correlates to the outcomes are:

1. Optimism about Self and World. Happiness, .54; Low Depression, .35; Low Anxiety, .28; Low Anger, .26; Good Relationships, .37; Health, .30; Income, .08.

2. Gratitude and Abundance Thinking. Happiness, .72; Low Depression, .57; Low Anxiety, .45; Low Anger, .36; Relationships, .46; Health, .33; Income, .13; Education, .09; College GPA, .11.

3. Not Entitlement Beliefs: Happiness, .16; Low Depression, .16; Low Anxiety, .19; Low Anger, .27; Relationships, and .08; Income, .20.


   Here is strong evidence that one way to choose to be happy and overcome these negative emotions is to develop a positive world view. Developing optimism for self and the world, gratitude and abundance thinking, and not having entitlement beliefs are key factors for being happier and all the other outcomes we measured.


Note:  All correlations, p < .0001 and N’s ranged from 2541 to 3173.





Our internal world models color everything we perceive, think, and do.

Therefore, seeking truth, beauty, love, and creativeness

creates truthful, beautiful, loving, and creative thoughts.

These positive thoughts

will not only create a harmonious, happy internal world;

they will change the external world.














PRACTICE: Write a self-description now. Before proceeding, write a description of yourself now so that you can analyze it later after reading the following sections. Write a half-page to two-page description of yourself as if you were another person who understood you very well and knew everything about you. Write the description in the third person using "he" or "she." (If you wait until you read further, your self-description may be affected by what you read.)


OUR SELF VIEWS HAVE POWER (including their own inertia)

Concepts similar to self-esteem–such as ego strength, self-image, and self-concept have been studied by psychologists for decades. Research has shown that high self-esteem relates to many positive qualities of mental health, life success, and happiness. My own research found a correlation of .48 between overall positive self-statements on the LSQ and overall happiness the past three years. Our self-esteem can have powerful effects, but how do we get it and how can we improve it? [17]

Brian grew up the oldest child in a poor family. His alcoholic father left at an early age. His mother loved her children, but she struggled with her own problems. Brian felt that the other kids looked down on him for being poor and having so many family problems. As a child, he wished that he could have a "normal" family and money to buy the nice things other kids had. Most of all, he hated being looked down on as less than others.

Brian believed that to be worthwhile he had to fulfill a certain image. His image of a minimally ok person was to be rich and successful in his career, to have a happy marriage and family, and above all to have "class." Having class meant having fine cars, a big house, expensive art, and other symbols of status. Having class meant knowing what to wear and what to say; and having class especially meant being accepted by the right people.

However, growing up, Brian did not do well in school or sports and was not popular with his peers. Therefore, he thought of himself as a not ok person who was destined to fail at whatever he did. He suspected that he had some deep inadequacy inside that kept him "in the gutter," but he avoided dealing with these fears. These beliefs became a self-fulfilling prophesy. He quit trying to be a success and hung out with people he secretly thought were losers. He set easy goals--such as minimal education and low-paying jobs. Brian often felt depressed and angry about his life and the future. He was in a vicious cycle of low self-worth, low goals, underachievement, and depression.

Then Brian got a job in an electronics store--where a lot of good things happened. He got interested in the electronics business. The store owner praised him for his hard work and showed confidence in him. Brian decided to change his life, "I was sick of being a failure and set a goal to become a successful electronics businessman." He went back to school and studied hard. He made good grades and kept learning the electronics business. He started his own computer business and made lots of money.

His increased success and income increased his confidence with people. He had had a crush on Carol since high school, but had always thought of her as being out of his class. He lavished her with attention, flowers, gifts, exciting experiences, and promises of leading an idyllic life. He learned everything he could to present himself as a man with class.

She fell in love with him, they married, and they had three children. He bought a beautiful home, drove expensive cars, and bought only the best of everything. He showered her and his children with the best of everything that money could buy. Most people who met him were impressed by his success.

Brian began to see himself as a success and began to think that his success was proof that he was as good as or better than other people. He loved to compare himself to former high school classmates who were not nearly so "successful."

Was Brian happy? His answer was, "I have everything a man could have to be happy. If I'm not happy, then I feel sorry for all the poor people in the world. Seriously, I'm not sure if I'm happy or not. Sometimes I feel like keeping this life style and image up is a burden and a lot of stress. Sometimes I'm not sure I know what I want in life. Maybe being happy is too much to expect."

Inside, he kept asking himself, "Why aren't I happier, when I have everything I want?" One thing that really bugged Brian was that his brother had been far less successful in his career, but seemed much happier.

Others thought of Brian as somewhat self-centered and dominating. Many thought he had an inflated view of himself, was ill-tempered, and only cared about success and acquiring the symbols of success. His wife Carol had been initially impressed by his ambition and strength. She liked the lifestyle that money had brought them and their children. However, his total focus on success, his neglect of her, and his frequent dominating manner had gradually driven a wedge between them. She kept telling him, "Our romance and intimacy are disappearing. You never listen to anything that deals with emotions."

What lessons did Brian need to learn? First, his happiness was not dependent upon his career success. Brian had not been happy as a failure or as a success. Either way, he feared failure and being looked down on by others. These fears were his worst nightmares and his frequent companions--despite all his money. He had never faced those fears.

He also kept raising his self-expectations to higher and higher levels. He was no longer "ok" if he was as successful as his high school classmates. Now, he had to be as successful as the multimillionaire who lived nearby in even bigger homes than his. He felt inadequate to them. Now, he had to prove that he was as good as they were, by working even harder and taking more risks. With the increased risks came increased stress.

Basically, Brian was never happy just being Brian. He never learned to love himself unconditionally. He always had to achieve something more before he could be happy. He never had enough success to prove that he was a "minimally ok human being.” Consequently, he never believed that anyone--including his wife--could really love him exactly as he was right then. He thought he had to buy her love or show her that he was more successful than other men.


Conditional versus unconditional self-worth. The essence of Brian's problem was his belief that his self-worth depended on being successful and fulfilling his image of a "minimally ok" person. He knew that no matter how successful his business was, it could fail. He had seen it happen to others. Therefore, he could never feel that his self-worth was safe.

Consequently, his business controlled his emotions. Any threat to his business was a threat to his worthiness. As long as we believe that our basic self-worth is dependent upon anything that is partially out of our control, we will have a great fear of that thing. It will be our own private monster holding our happiness in the palm of its hand.

To feel safe and not so threatened by business failure, Brian needed to separate his self-worth from his business success. More generally, he needed to let go of his image of a minimally ok person; he needed to learn to love himself and others unconditionally.

Another advantage of a new belief in the basic worth of every human was that he could let go of trying to impress others and stop worrying about what they thought of him. Ironically, his desire to impress his wife and provide money for her caused him to neglect her, dominate her, and hide his fears from her. Yet, these very behaviors were destroying intimacy and pushing her away from him.

She longed for him to be more open about his feelings--instead of maintaining this macho, "success" front and being so defensive. Sadly, he didn't understand that his wife would love him and stand by him even if he "failed." She would gladly trade the extra money and status for more attention, openness, and intimacy.

In the last chapter, we saw how deficit thinking could cause us to feel deprived, resentful, and weak. On the other hand, abundance thinking can cause us to feel grateful, happy, strong, and positively motivated.

The ideas of deficit thinking and abundance thinking can be applied to our view of ourselves as well. If we view ourselves as unworthy, weak, or inadequate then we may spend much of our lives feeling like minnows swimming with the big fish. We may respond to these inadequacy feelings by either of two common reactions--underachievement (low expectations and low motivation) or over achievement (too high expectations and intense motivation to overcome the perceived "deficit"). Brian had first tried underachievement, then over achievement.


Unconditional self-love means loving our selves "no matter what. . .” How many of us--like Brian believe that we are worthwhile only if we are successful, rich, powerful, good, and have all the trappings of "the good life." How many of us also value others to the degree they are successful and good. That is an example of conditional love--loving someone only if the person meets certain conditions.

If we love ourselves or others unconditionally, we love only because we are human and because we are ourselves. We love some essence of ourselves no matter what we have done or not done.

I once saw an interview with a father whose son was a serial arsonist. His son had caused millions of dollars of damage to property and had been responsible for the deaths of several people. The father seemed to be a responsible, caring person. The reporter asked the man how he felt about his son. The father said, "No matter how much I hate what my son has done, I still love my son." That is unconditional love.

Loving ourselves unconditionally means that we love ourselves no matter who we are, what we have, what we have done, or what others think of us. Loving ourselves unconditionally means that we love ourselves even if we have qualities we don’t like; even if we have pimples, are overweight, aren’t good looking, have a low IQ, drop out of school, are unemployed, drive rusty Volkswagens, are homeless, have herpes, or no one likes us.

If you can learn to love yourself unconditionally, that love will provide a stable power base to overcome your fears and center your life around. It is your most inner sacred zone. No person or failure can take it away from you.



SELF-WORTH--The unconditional value

we place on ourselves


It took millions of years of evolution to produce us.

Our brains have over 30 billion cells.

We are the height of creation on Earth.

Our creator valued each of us enough to give us

a universe full of opportunities,

the gift of life, bodies that give us wondrous physical powers,

sensations and emotions for experiencing life to its fullest,

and a mind that allows us to create our own worlds.

When we have been given so much and put in such a pivotal place

to affect the lives of so many others, how can we doubt

that we are of great value and worthy of our own love.


The worth of something is how much we value it and love it for itself, how important it is to us, and how much priority we give it compared to other things. Self-worth is an overall measure of how much we value ourselves and give priority to our own needs and happiness. Our self-worth is a measure of our unconditional self-love.

High self-worth means loving ourselves unconditionally in all situations and in all areas of our lives. To have a high degree of self-worth, then we must still love ourselves even when we make mistakes or do dumb things--no matter how bad they were.

There are a lot of confusing "self" terms--self-worth, self-concept, self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. Think of self-esteem as composed of two parts--the unconditional part, and the conditional part. The unconditional self-valuing part is our self-worth. The conditional self-valuing part is our self-confidence. The most important part is the self-worth (unconditional) part. I will address it first. The last part of the chapter will discuss self-confidence and life skills.[18]


To some degree we were "prewired" to care about ourselves. Positive and negative emotions and pleasure and pain provide a biological basis for taking care of ourselves so that we will tend to choose that which causes us to feel good over that which causes us to feel bad. Some part of us that I have called the Higher Self learns to value us at an early age (see Higher Self Chapter 3).

Our Higher Selves do love us unconditionally. Our Higher Selves want us to be happy--despite past mistakes. It doesn't matter what we accomplish. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of us. Our Higher Selves still love us. No matter how dysfunctional our other beliefs about ourselves become, our Higher Selves still love us unconditionally and still believe in us.

Think of something or someone that you have loved almost unconditionally--your dog, your cat, your favorite place, your teddy bear, your parent, your lover, or your child. When we love someone unconditionally, it means that we will always care for that person and wish the best for him or her--no matter what the person does to us or anyone else.

A child can love an abusive parent--even though it hates the abuse and the abusive part of the parent. A parent can love a child even if the child becomes a criminal or mass murder. Some part of the child or parent cannot help but continue to care--that is the unconditional love part. We can repress our Higher Selves and our feelings of unconditional love for ourselves and others, but we cannot actually eliminate this part of us.

It is the strength of our Higher Self belief system relative to other belief systems that can determine the strength of our overall self-worth. If a strong internalized parent tells us we must be "good" to be worthwhile, then our self-worth will be conditional. We must learn to question those beliefs and replace them with new ones that are more loving.


You are the star of your own movie. Have you ever felt all alone, neglected, unappreciated, or unsupported? Have you wished that you could be like a movie star--the center of attention, recognized and respected, and the character in the movie that all of the other characters revolve around.

If becoming a star doesn't seem possible to you, then perhaps you are not recognizing what you already have--you are the star of your own life! Think of your life as a movie in which you are the central character. Many of us think of our lives as revolving around other people (such as a dominant parent or partner). It is like we are in a movie in which we are only bit characters with a few lines.

In the movie, "This is Your Life," you are the main character and star. Everything that happens to you is of major significance in the plot of the movie. Your ups and downs are all important to the viewers of your movie. Your growth and development over the course of the movie are the main themes in the movie. How are you doing so far?


PRACTICE: Think of your life as a movie in which you are the central character or star. View your life as if you were a member of the audience watching a movie about it. What have been the major events of the movie? What have been the major lessons that you have learned and the areas of most growth in the character? How does it feel to think of yourself as the star of your own movie about your life?


I was given the responsibility for my own happiness. I was given the mental and physical powers to take care of myself. Responsibility follows control--the person with control over something is the one responsible for it. I was given direct control over my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions; therefore, I am the one responsible for my own thoughts, emotions, and actions.

If we develop a belief system that says I am responsible for other people's feelings or that they are responsible for mine, then that type of codependent belief system is dysfunctional (see internal control Chapter 6). If each person on the planet will take good care of their own needs, then we will all be happy. The result will be greater equality in relationships.



If you want to love yourself more, then one way to do it is to start treating yourself as if you really do love yourself unconditionally. Loving yourself means taking good care of yourself. It means making your own health and happiness a top-priority goal or part of your ultimate concern. You can be happy if you take care of meeting your own needs and values.


Develop habits of taking good care of yourself to increase your self-worth and self-love. Think of some person or object in your life that you really loved and took special care of. Think of the habits you developed to maintain it and keep it special. Do you love yourself as much as your mom, dad, lover, or child? Your dog or cat? Your home? Your car? Surely, you love yourself much more than your car or house? Yet do you show self-love by developing habits that take good care of your body and mind?


Loving yourself means taking good care of each part of yourself. Loving yourself means loving each part of yourself that contributes to your overall happiness. In addition to loving your overall self, you love your body, your inner child, your inner lover, your inner athlete, your inner parent, your inner music lover, and every healthy part of yourself that contribute to your overall happiness. You can also love your more dysfunctional parts in that you try to help them gain a better understanding of their limits. (In Chapter 9, I will describe the O-PATSM self-management system to keep your time use in sync with your overall values.)


Loving yourself means managing your time and resources well. If you love each part of yourself, you will prioritize your time and resources (such as money) to reflect the relative importance of each part of yourself or each life area. You will create some balance in your time and your life so that you can take good care of your body and your main interests and needs. Spend time and money on activities wisely. Ask yourself the following key question,


How much happiness will I and others get per dollar or per hour spent?




Part 1: Develop a Positive BODY-IMAGE



On the one hand, self-worth measures how we feel about our unchangeable essence--important, essential aspects of ourselves. On the other, self-image is more about how we see ourselves in important, but NON-essential aspects of ourselves. The self-image is a collection of sensory images, beliefs, thoughts, and attached feelings we have about ourselves. It includes both the ideal self-image and the perceived self-image.

The ideal self-image is the complete set of goals and expectations for what we want to be like. The perceived self-image is based on our observations of what we are really like. Guilt is caused by the gap between our ideal self-image and our perceived self-image--between our self-expectations and our self-perceptions. The larger the gap, the more guilt we feel.

To overcome guilt we must reduce the gap between our self-expectations and our self-perceptions. We can either change ourselves to become more like our self-expectations, or we can change our self-expectations (self-concept) to fit reality.

It is important to remember, that in many situations we cannot change ourselves overnight. We may never be able to change some aspect of ourselves! How do we stop feeling guilty about something we can’t change?

The self-acceptance process (described later) is a step-by-step method for overcoming guilt associated with your body, your past, and your dysfunctional subparts. But first, it’s important to understand more about your self-image and how to change it.


To the degree that we do not like or accept some part of ourselves, then our self-love is affected. If I will not even admit to myself that sometimes I talk too much, do dumb things, have not met all my career goals, or bore people, then I am disowning those aspects of myself (and feeling guilty about them).

Learning to love or at least accept every part of ourselves is a fundamental part of developing self-worth and self-love. One of the first steps is accepting our bodies and our basic physical limitations.


Roger Crawford was the keynote speaker at a professional conference in San Diego that I attended. Roger is an amazing person who has overcome what could have been a disabling physical condition. When Roger was born, the physician took Roger's father back to see him. His father saw a baby with one leg crumpled beneath him and saw hands and feet that ended in pointed stumps instead of fingers and toThe doctor warned him that his son might never be able to walk or participate in normal activities.

Yet Roger's parents kept a positive attitude and always believed that their son could learn to do almost anything anyone else could do. Roger said that they never let him use his disability to get away with anything. Eventually, one of Roger's legs was amputated below his knee and replaced with an advanced artificial limb.

Then Roger learned how to play tennis. His "hands" each look as if he has one giant finger--with no thumb. He learned a two-handed grip. He put the "finger" from one hand into the end of a tennis racket and wrapped the other "hand" around the throat of the racket. Roger would not allow himself to believe that he was limited by his disability. He played his hardest.

      He got so good that he began winning tournaments in high school and college and became a tennis professional. He got so good that he once played John McEnroe, when John was advancing in his career. Roger says that the night before the tennis match, "I slept like a baby. I woke up every two hours and cried."  Eventually Roger won a special award for his tennis and he was given the honor of carrying the Olympic torch during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Los Angeles.

Roger said that one of the hardest times in his life was as a child in a Chicago school. Many of the other children said cruel things about his limbs and shunned him. Some even tried to harm him. He felt hurt and angry. He kept his hands in his pockets so that no one would see them. It seemed unfair to be given these distorted hands and feet. Sometimes he felt sorry for himself.

However, other people--like Dr. Norman Vincent Peale--helped him understand that it was not his body that was his problem; it was his attitude about his body that was important. Once he began to accept and love his hands and feet for what they were and see the possibilities in them, he began to feel much better.


Part of accepting ourselves is accepting other people's reactions to us. Roger began to understand and accept other people's reaction to his hands. He understood their curiosity, fear, and even disgust at seeing them. He accepted these as normal reactions and learned to focus on helping other people feel as comfortable with his appearance as he was.

For example, he "warned" the audience that after years of dreading to shake hands with people, he now really enjoys it and would offer his hand if they came up to talk. Being comfortable with his appearance and other’s reaction to it changed his life.

Roger has been successful in his career, his marriage, and seemed happy on his journey toward self-actualization. He said that he would never trade his positive philosophy for normal feet and hands.


Dr. Maxwell Maltz was a plastic surgeon who became interested in "self-image psychology" because of his confusing observations of patients who had undergone plastic surgery. Some patients who only received minor facial changes changed their personality and life dramatically while others with greater facial changes didn't seem to change at all. A boy with large ears had been told he looked like a taxi cab with both doors open and had been ridiculed all his life. He had become withdrawn and shy. After surgery, he became much more outgoing.

Yet others, such as a shy Duchess who was given a truly beautiful face in surgery made no noticeable improvement in her personality. Maltz concluded that the reason was because these people continued to think of themselves as ugly, different, abnormal, or defective people.

It was their self-image that was the main problem--not their actual physical appearance. His conclusions caused him to begin to focus on improving people's self-image and eventually write books such as Psychocybernetics. For years, this was one of the self-help books most frequently cited to me by clients as a book that had helped them change their lives.

One of my clients came in because she lacked confidence in herself--especially in meeting men and relating to them. Through her teen years, she was 50 to 75 pounds overweight. Only in the past few years had she taken good care of her body and lost weight. She was happy about that, but she said that she still saw herself as fat and ugly. In fact, she was beautiful--she could have won a beauty contest.

I was amazed that she still saw herself as fat. We discovered that a subpart of her had learned from her mom that it was wrong to show off and stand out. This part produced feelings of guilt whenever she tried to dress well or attempted to appreciate her own appearance. She would not even accept what she saw in the mirror.

It became important to reject these beliefs about being a "show off." She had to overcome those thoughts that interfered with her self-appreciation. To overcome her fear of self-appreciation, her repeated thoughts like, "It's wonderful to look at a flower and appreciate the beauty in it, and it's just as wonderful to look at myself and appreciate the beauty in my own body."


Loving ourselves unconditionally means accepting all of the realities about ourselves and still loving ourselves. A good place to start is with our body and appearance. Most people do not love and accept every part of their body.


Looking at ourselves in the mirror. In his book, Your Erroneous Zones, Dr. Wayne Dyer suggests that one way to increase our self-acceptance and self-worth is to examine each part of our body and each bodily function in detail and observe our own thoughts and feelings about each. Do we feel disgust at certain normal body functions or products--such as bodily fluids or waste? If so, we do not accept all of our normal, healthy parts and functions. Try understanding how these basic functions work and how important these basic functions are to our health and survival. Try loving each function because it helps keep you alive and healthy. Some people can become phobic about such normal processes.

Our physical appearance is stressed so much in our society that we may be very sensitive about any part that does not measure up to our ideal. Try Dr. Dyer's exercise. Stand in front of a mirror naked and look at yourself. What parts do you feel good about? What parts do you not feel good about? How can you love and accept that part as it is right now.

Don't say to yourself, "I'll love that part after I change it." That is not accepting that part as it is now. You can still improve the part later if you choose. Ironically, changing the part may be easier after accepting it; because you can face it without guilt.


Learning to love and accept our "most unacceptable" parts. My wife, Sherry, tried following Wayne's suggestion from his book and found that she could accept every part of her body except her tummy. She has felt most of her life that her middle was too big. She always wished that she could have a tiny waistline. For years, she had chosen clothes partly because they hid her tummy.

She consciously worked on looking at her tummy, developing positive thoughts about it, and loving her tummy instead of disowning it. Her attentiveness worked: she felt better about her tummy and accepted it.

This new tummy-acceptance had a number of effects. She bought and wore clothes that allowed her tummy to be seen. She started tucking in her blouses and wearing dresses with belts. Previously, if I were being affectionate, she would not allow me to even touch her tummy. Now I could love her tummy too. The most interesting thing is that her tummy began to get smaller!


PRACTICE 1: Learn to accept all aspects of your body as they are. Try this exercise on yourself and see what happens as a result of learning to accept and love the formerly disowned parts or functions of your body or your personality. You can start with the aspects you dislike the most, or if you would rather, start with less odious ones and work your way up to the worst aspects.


PRACTICE 2: Take care of your body. If your value yourself and your body, you will naturally want to take good care of your body. Similarly, paying loving attention to your body and its needs will increase your valuing of it.

(1) Assess your body and your care of it in each of the following areas: nutrition, exercise, substance abuse, weight, muscle tone, sleep, and appearance.

(2) Develop a plan to improve any needed areas. If you are not knowledgeable in an important area like nutrition, get help or start studying ASAP.






Part 2: Develop a Positive Self-Concept


Tricia, a woman in her mid-fifties, had a job for many years working in a low-paying retail sales job. She had health problems that made long periods of standing very painful. Her teenage daughter made much more money than her mother by working as a typist. The daughter tried to get her mom to learn how to type. However, Tricia literally believed that she "was too old" to learn a complex new skill like typing.

That belief about herself was limiting and affected not only her career, but many life areas. Her daughter knew that her mother was an intelligent woman who had much untapped potential. It's sad that the mother didn’t share her daughter's view!

Do you think of yourself as too shy, not coordinated, not motivated, a slow learner, too flaky, or not able to relate to people well? What physical, mental, personality, or financial limitations interfere with your happiness? How do your assumptions about them interfere with your success and happiness?


Limiting versus expanding self-beliefs. An alternative to having such limiting self-beliefs is to see ourselves as having almost limitless potential. It is not that we don't really have limits, but that we do not allow ourselves to retain ideas that limit us. That means that we do not allow ourselves to say to ourselves that we are too limited in any way--unless we have absolute proof! We are not too old, too young, too dumb, too weak, too slow, too disabled, too sick, too emotional, too shy, too afraid of . . ., too poor, or any other "too."

Instead, we can develop a positive view of ourselves that says we believe in our own strengths--especially our abilities to learn and to motivate ourselves to do what will make us happy.

This general self-view can help us go into almost any situation with a positive attitude of willingness to learn and do whatever it takes to achieve happiness. These general beliefs about ourselves can provide the energy, flexibility, and persistence required for maximizing our chances of succeeding at even very difficult tasks.


      Viewing ourselves with negative self-labels and self-concepts can produce dysfunctional thoughts and habits. These negative self-beliefs cause unnecessary negative emotions such as guilt, depression, and anger. They can undermine success in our career, relationships, and other life areas by undermining our motivation and confidence.

In the following sections I will discuss some types of negative self-beliefs and their dysfunctional effects. I will also suggest some ways of overcoming them. One approach common to many of these "cures" is to find these underlying dysfunctional beliefs. Like a cancerous tumor, we must locate and operate on the source of the cancer--it is not enough just to keep fighting the cancer in places where it has spread. (Use the self-exploration process from Chapter 2.)


Developing a facade to hide our actual self-image from ourselves or others. One way that we may try to defend ourselves against criticism is to develop a false image of ourselves that more clearly matches our ideal self-image. Adopting a facade might be especially tempting to someone with a large gap between their perceived self-image and their ideal self-image. Consequently, they can pretend that the gap is minimal.

It is important to note that there is a major difference between trying to better ourselves by living as if we were the persons we want to be versus trying to fool ourselves that we have arrived at being that ideal self. In the first case, we are completely open and honest with ourselves about the fact that we have a goal we are attempting to meet and can accept any failures to reach that ideal with few problems. That is a functional way of moving toward self-actualization.

The dysfunctional way to deal with our shortcomings is to cling to beliefs that we are what we are not--and to ignore negative feedback. We may cling to our facade partly because we fear that others will not like us if they learn the truth.

However, even presenting a facade to others is not as dysfunctional as trying to hide the truth from ourselves. Self-deception can cause persistent, mysterious guilt--such as the kind often found in alcohol or drug abuse. Maintaining a facade may also be an important cause of habitual lying, "sociopathic," or "con-man" behaviors.


Fragile egotism is a cause of aggressive and violent behavior. Drs. Roy Baumeister, Laura Smart, and Joseph Boden (1996)--after an extensive research review--have concluded that people who hold “inflated, unstable, or tentative beliefs in the self’s superiority” are most likely to be (1) easily and frequently threatened by negative feedback from others and (2) most prone to react aggressively and violently to those threats. “Entitlement” thinking and being dependent upon other people’s approval (externally controlled) also increase one’s propensity toward violence.

The authors discuss how one’s belief in a “culture of honor” and a threatened public image (such as “losing face”) can foster violent responses when those beliefs are threatened. For example, a gang member may want to be seen as a “bad ass.” When someone else says he’s “badder,” then the only choice is to fight or be publicly humiliated. The fear of public humiliation and loss of self-esteem seems to be worse than violence or the fear of death.

When someone believes he or she must be “the best” to be “ok,” then that belief inherently creates a “fragile ego,” because only one person can be the best. When one defines oneself by external conditions--such as financial success or others’ opinions--then that belief also increases one’s fragility; because these conditions are so unstable. Only if we love ourselves unconditionally and define our essential natures by more stable measures can we overcome this fragility. Loving ourselves and others unconditionally undermines the conditions that create violence. Unconditional love of self and others is the best cure for violence in ourselves and our society.


DANGER--Choosing the wrong words can undermine your self-image.

Negative labels can undermine your unconditional self-worth.


Confining labels can backfire if given too much priority. Negative self-labels can become self-fulfilling prophesies, but even positive labels can have negative effects--if they are too self-limiting. We have just seen how defining ourselves as a “bad ass” can lead to violent behavior.

One problem I have is that my thirst for truth and knowledge can have a “dark side” if I develop the additional belief that I know more than others. If I spend a lot of time learning about something, I am tempted to conclude that I know more about it than other people. In someone else’s view, I’m just a “know it all.” Or--even worse--if I let myself believe that I “should” know more than anyone else about it, then I develop a fragile self-belief that is easily threatened by anyone challenging my knowledge. Whenever I allow myself to get too proud of myself in some knowledge area, then I become defensive and argumentative in that knowledge area. On a smaller scale, it is the same thing that happens to the person prone to violent behavior.

When I was in the third grade, our teacher held a math speed contest. I finished second in the class and was proud of myself. I developed a belief about myself that I was "fast at solving math problems." I was so proud of being "fast at math" that it became part of my self-image. Therefore, whenever I solved math problems my self-expectation told me that I had to work them faster than anyone else. Whenever I took a math test, I raced through the exam as fast as possible to be the first student to turn my paper in. This went on for more than five years, and I was blind to its negative effects.

One day, I wondered why my grades in math weren't as good as some of the "slow" students who turned their papers in last. I realized that I could correct frequent careless errors if I would take time to check my exams before turning them in. However, taking more time conflicted with my self-image of being fast in math. Fortunately, I decided that my grades were more important than this limiting self-concept, so I decided to check my exams until the last minute.

CREATE A POSITIVE, TRUTHFUL SELF-CONCEPT-- Choose the right words to describe yourself

We just saw how negative self-labels and confining self-labels can cause problems. So what are more functional ways to describe ourselves?


Growth-oriented, flexible versus status-quo, rigid self-concepts. If we view any important part of ourselves as a fixed entity that never changes, then self-change can become threatening and anxiety-producing.


We are not stone sculptures or any kind of fixed entity.

We are human beings--constantly learning and growing--

in a constantly changing and growing world.

If we define ourselves as rigid, fixed-entities,

then we will live in constant fear of the changes which are sure to come.

On the other hand, if we define our primary nature as changing, growing entities, then we will look forward to the future and

embrace the changes which are sure to come.


Change is everywhere. We go through many phases of life from childhood to adulthood to old age. Our careers, relationships, health, and economic situations can change dramatically. Life is a river of changes. If we do not learn to "go with the flow," then we risk being swept away and drowned.

If we view ourselves as fixed, inflexible beings, then we will be threatened by change. If we view ourselves as growing, changing beings, then change is welcomed as a natural part of the growth process. Even negative changes can be more readily accepted.

I recognize that every single belief or state of my mind, body, or the world can change. If everything important seems to be changing too much and we do not have anything to hold on to, then we can become extremely insecure and anxious. Building our house on a foundation of rock means that we develop beliefs and attachments that will withstand the changes of time.

The rock I build my life on is the set of fundamental beliefs I have described as being part of my Higher Self. It includes beliefs that value personal health and happiness for myself and others, growth, truth, beauty, and a good environment. [Also, recall Maslow's self-actualization metavalues.] These are general and flexible values that are adaptable to many situations.


Building our identity on rock--avoid identifying with any role. Did you still think of yourself the way your parents, peers, or others think of you? Do you think of yourself as primarily an athlete, an artist, an engineer, a wife or mother, a son or daughter, or member of some group? No matter how important these roles are to you--they are just roles.

I am a husband, psychologist, tennis player, and father. These are important parts of me. However, these roles can all be taken away from me. They are more specific and limited to certain situations than my more general values and parts of myself. If I were to make husband, father, or psychologist become more important than being happy or seeking the truth, then my identity would be built on sand.

If I could no longer be husband, father, or psychologist, then the core of my identity would be threatened. Any threat to them would magnify my anxiety if it also threatened my identity. That is one reason why losing a partner, having an "empty nest," retiring, or losing a job is so much more devastating to some people than others.      I have chosen that none of these roles will be as essential to my identity as my more general values. These more general values cannot be taken away. For as long as I live I will always be able to find some beauty, truth, growth, love, and happiness no matter what situation I am in. With values like these we build our identity on a rock foundation that cannot be swept away by crashing waves.


I identify myself as someone who values

growth, love, happiness, truth, and beauty.

I am this person that occupies my body and mind

over a certain period in history.

I have received many gifts for which I am caretaker

during a limited amount of time.

I am an explorer on a journey through life

attempting to maximize these values,

through many roles, each moment of my life.


PRACTICE: Redefine your identity to make it more growth-oriented, flexible, and limitless. Look back over the self-description you made at the beginning of this chapter. Or, write an entirely new one.

(1) Identify your essence. Decide what the core of your essence is that will never change and that you can love unconditionally. What is your Higher Self like?

(2) Identify and replace limiting self-beliefs. Look for self-descriptions that are negative, limited, rigid, and non-growth oriented. Replace them with more positive, limitless, flexible, growth-oriented descriptions.

(3) Examine your various subparts and roles. What life roles do you play? Child? Parent? Older brother? Student/learner? Professional? Executive? Plumber? Wife? Dancer? Golfer? Mediator? Rebel? Problem-solver? Addict? Judge? Clown? Do you overly identify with any particular role or roles? Are there any roles that you think you must be happy or successful in to be happy overall? If so, then a key to overcoming anxiety and being happy is to plan how you can be happy even without being successful in that role. Make such a plan and start telling yourself that you can be happy whether or not you are happy in that role.





The Keys to Eliminating GUILT and ANGER


Dr. Maslow believed that acceptance of self and others (and all their imperfections) was one of the primary characteristics of self-actualized people. His description follows.


They can accept their own human nature in the stoic style, with all its shortcomings, with all its discrepancies from the ideal image without feeling real concern. It would convey the wrong impression to say that they are self-satisfied. What we must say rather is that they can take the frailties and sins, weaknesses, and evils of human nature in the same unquestioning spirit with which one accepts the characteristics of nature. One does not complain about water because it is wet or about rocks because they are hard, or about trees because they are green.

As the child looks out upon the world with wide, uncritical, undemanding, innocent eyes, simply noting and observing what is the case, without either arguing the matter or demanding that it be otherwise, so does the self-actualizing person tend to look upon human nature in himself and in others. (Abraham Maslow, (1954) pp. 155-156)


The little, wide-eyed child Dr. Maslow described in this passage is the Higher Self. What I believe has happened for these self-actualized people, is that their Higher Selves have become the dominant parts of their personalities, and the other parts have become integrated with their Higher Selves.

We all do things that are dysfunctional to our own and others health and happiness. We are all only human and have many limits to our knowledge, skills, and resources. Our limits may create dysfunctional habits that we keep our entire lives. However, the Higher Self is committed to growth and to our quest for self-actualization. It wants us to have a happy, productive life no matter what our past was like.

      We will never get rid of all our inadequacies or negative subparts. Getting rid of negative subparts is not our task. It is ok for those negative subparts to exist, but we must remove their power to control our lives. Our task is to strengthen the more functional parts of ourselves and learn ways of identifying, understanding, and coping with the more negative parts. If you can do that, you will be making fundamental personality changes that will have effects in many areas of your life.

      Psychologists since Freud have recognized that one of the major causes of emotional problems are habits of repressing, avoiding, or denying parts of ourselves that we feel bad about. We hope that if we just avoid these negative parts, they will go away. While this approach does have some merit in limited situations, we cannot just avoid major subparts of ourselves that continue to cause havoc in our lives. That avoidance can actually give them more control.

Self-understanding, self-acceptance, and restructuring our beliefs are the keys to getting control of our underlying negative belief systems. See the self-exploration process in Chapter 2 and the sections below to explore beliefs about yourself and replace dysfunctional ones.


"We make mistakes, mistakes don't make us" (Maltz, p.150,1960)



Sometimes loving ourselves can be difficult. How do we love ourselves when other people keep telling us that we are "selfish," "stupid," or "dysfunctional"? Exposure to frequent negative labeling or name-calling from parents or peers can help cause us to internalize those messages. We internalize not only their messages, but we internalize mental models of the persons themselves. I have a little "mom" and a little "dad" inside. They have the same beliefs my real parents had when they were alive.

My inner mom is supportive, loving, and understanding; but mom never learned to have fun. My inner dad is concerned about "being the best," making a lot of money, and "having the best." My inner dad is intolerant of failure and used to yell "stupid" or "idiot" to me whenever I didn't do something perfectly. My Higher Self has learned from both parents. Over the years, I have usually chosen to listen to my Higher Self--not my inner mom or inner dad. Those choices have quieted my inner parents and empowered my Higher Self.

One client's father had been psychologically abusive to her. If she did not do what he wanted, he called her "lazy," "bad," or "selfish." Once when she went out without his permission, he called her a "slut." As a young girl, she tried pleasing him and tried to meet his sometimes high, sometimes contradictory expectations. She learned that no matter how hard she tried to please him, he would still berate her. Therefore, she quit trying.

Consequently, as a teenager, she began to drink heavily, take drugs, and generally led a wild life. She eventually left home and started working. Her new lifestyle was a way she hoped to get even with her father--she intended to hurt him by doing the opposite of what he wanted. She also hoped that her new friends and partying would help her drown out the inner voices that constantly told her what a loser she was. Those voices came from her dysfunctional, internalized father. She responded by sinking deeper and deeper into drug dependence and guilt.

Fortunately, she began to see that her drug-based lifestyle was just making her more miserable than she had been as a little girl. She started college, met a new group of friends, went to Alcoholics Anonymous, and began recovery.

She came to see me because she was haunted by guilt. She said, "I despise myself for wasting eight years of my life." Learning to accept herself and love herself was difficult: her internalized father still told her what a loser she was. Even though she had improved her life, she those messages haunted her.

How could she get control over this part of herself that was so critical and responsible for so much guilt? First, we explored it thoroughly to see what its' expectations were. What did her father really want from her? He wanted her to be moral, successful, and happy. In fact, she finally concluded, the "good father" part of him really loved her and wanted what was best for her. It's just that he thought he knew what was best for her and wanted to control her and run her life to assure that she would be successful.

On the other hand, another part of him was quite "selfish." When she had lived with him, he wanted her to cater to him and be at his beck and call. Yet he would disguise these "selfish" motives by saying he wanted her to learn "responsibilities" such as doing his cooking, laundry, and housecleaning. If she didn't obey, he would say something like, "Look at all I've done for you, you selfish ingrate.” The result was that she felt guilty, and wondered if he really loved her.

Once she understood that these self-expectations (and guilt) were coming from her internalized father and she could clearly verbalize them, then she could examine them from the point-of-view of her higher, more functional beliefs. One unrealistic expectation was, "I should never make a mistake. If I do, I should be severely--even eternally--punished for it." Another was "All addicts are bad people--permanently! They can’t overcome this moral wrong."

Thoughts like "I am a bad person, because I am an addict" came from those dysfunctional beliefs. Once she was aware of these beliefs, she could accept or reject them based on how well they fit her newer, higher beliefs. For example, she could respond to these old messages by saying, "All people have great value--even addicts. I am not a bad person or a loser. I love myself unconditionally and am loved unconditionally--no matter what my past is. Even though I am not proud of all I did, I did not waste that time; I learned from it and could not be the person I am today without that experience. I will try to use that knowledge for my own and others' benefit." That self-talk was the only thing that had ever worked to help her get lasting control of her guilt.

She not only got control of her guilt, but she got control of the deep anger she had felt toward her father (and most men). She had blamed him--as well as herself--for her years of unhappiness. She had thought she could never forgive him. But she said. "Only because I understood and forgave myself, could I understand and forgive him."



Learn how to accept all of yourself, your past and your future


The self-acceptance process is a method for accepting the parts of yourself that you may feel bad about. Think of some part or aspect of yourself that you don't like--especially some aspect that you can't change immediately. Use the following process to increase your self-acceptance of that part. Even if you do choose to change that part, gaining acceptance of it as it is now is an important first step to change. The first thing that Alcoholics Anonymous requires of new members is for them to admit that they are alcoholics.


SHAQ Research Results: Forgiveness


The Forgiveness subscale correlated with Happiness, .34; with Low Depression, .27; with Low Anxiety, .35; with Low Anger-Aggression, .49; with good Relationships, .23; with Health, .34; and with Income, .12. (For all correlations, p < .0001 and Ns ranged from 2093 to 2328.)

   SHAQ research (and that of others) supports the value of forgiveness for helping people have better relationships and find more happiness. Forgiveness gives to the giver at least as much as it gives to the receiver. Again, the control of your happiness lies within in your mind.

Step 1: CHOOSE TO VALUE TRUTH ABOVE ALL--Including honor and pride

The words "pride" and "honor" can mean many things. In certain contexts they can be functional concepts that enhance our lives. The idea of taking pride in our work and caring about what we do are examples of using the concept of "pride" functionally. Similarly, honoring or specially recognizing someone because they have achieved an important goal can be functional.

However, placing values best confined to specific situations above more important values can lead to dysfunctional results. When we put our honor, pride, or any other self-image above the truth, then we are inviting disaster--in the form of guilt hammering at our peace. Trying to drown guilt with alcohol, work-ahol, or play-ahol instead of facing the truth are dysfunctional results of putting pride above truth. Being completely honest with yourself is the first step toward self-acceptance--even when it means facing the worst truths about yourself.


Ask yourself questions like, "What do I expect myself to be like?" "How does that differ from how I am?" and "How are my beliefs, thoughts, and actions different from what I expect them to be?"


Explore conflicting expectations from different subparts. You may find conflicting answers to these questions from different parts of yourself. One part may expect you to make a lot of money, while another part may think that money is not important. In other words, you may have conflicting expectations from different parts of yourself.

Step 3:  EXPLORE THE UNDERLYING CAUSES—Knowing "WHY" increases acceptance

One way we give more control to our healthy parts is to understand our dysfunctional parts better. We can question and change these beliefs and learn more functional beliefs. Some important questions to understand why we keep performing unproductive habits include:

When does it occur? What situations and stimuli regularly precede it?

What thoughts and behaviors occur?

What thoughts and images are associated with these thoughts?

 What overall themes, beliefs, or assumptions are behind these thoughts or actions?

What internal or external outcomes may be reinforcing the thoughts and behaviors?

What are the historical causes of the habits? (E.g. Parental or peer modeling, instructions, reinforcements, etc.)

      Use the self-exploration process to get at deeper causes (see Chapter 2).


If two lower courts conflict over federal law, then the conflict is referred to a higher court. Eventually the case may go to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court relies upon the U.S. Constitution as the ultimate code of law.

The same principle applies to resolving conflicts between lower parts of ourselves. We can choose to make our Higher Selves our Supreme Courts. We can give our Higher Selves this authority by choosing to resolve inner conflicts with questions like, "Which alternative will create the most happiness for me and others?" or "Which is the most honest?" "Which will lead to the most growth?” Our "Constitution" consists of values and beliefs such as these. (If you have not done so, make your own list of higher principles from earlier chapters.)

==> For every old or dysfunctional belief, question it, confront it,

explain it, or persuade it with a more powerful Higher Self belief.


We cannot unlearn old beliefs and habits. We can never entirely erase an old belief or habit, because we can never completely unlearn something we have learned any more than we can forget 2 + 2 = 4. However, we can get better control of these dysfunctional parts by (1) understanding them--especially their negative effects--and by (2) acting on messages from our healthier parts.


Accept the past as past--focus on the present and future. One client came in because he was almost 40 and had been in college for almost 20 years without ever completing all the courses he signed up for! He was intelligent, but had always lacked motivation. He typically set very high goals, and started semesters with a bang. If he had problems or lost interest, he would fall behind and then drop out when he was not making "A" grades. Many of his friends were professionals with high incomes and jobs he envied. He said, "I think I'm as smart as they are, but I've just wasted my life."

One thought that had haunted him for years was, "Look where I would be if I had just worked hard and finished college in my early twenties.” This thought was so strong that it was a powerful impetus for his constant dropping out. He learned to replace that thought with a different point of view. He would put himself into the future 20 years, when he would be almost 60. He then asked himself, "How will I feel if I look back to the age I am now and say, 'If I had completed college then, look where I would be today'."

Whenever he would start to focus on the past missed opportunities, he would refocus on this new way of looking at the future instead. His new focus lights a fire under him. This was the first semester that he had ever completed all the classes he signed up for. Not only that, but he made good grades. He has since graduated and was completing his Master’s degree the last time we met.


We are not exactly the same people we were in the past. One thing to remember when we beat ourselves up now for past actions is that we are not the same people that made the errors in the past. So, in a sense, we are blaming the wrong person. We have learned and changed since then, so why criticize someone that doesn't even exist anymore? Focusing on past mistakes (beyond what we can constructively learn from them) is totally unproductive.


Recognize positive aspects of yourself--including your goal of growth and your past growth. Review the sections on unconditional self-worth, your Higher Self, and the importance of measuring your life by how much you learn and grow. Focus on your ultimate concern of overall happiness, and adopt abundance motivation by being grateful for all that you have received. Identify past positive actions and aspects of yourself. Make a list of all the positives about you--as you are now.

Put this list in a prominent place and keep reminding yourself of these qualities. Convert these general ideas into clear visual images that exemplify these qualities. Never let yourself state negatives about yourself without also stating positive qualities.

==> Go to the "Rise Above" Chapter 8, mental control strategy 4 to learn more methods for changing expectations.


We can develop a huge fear about the truth behind a label. The fear of being labeled “stupid,” “weird,” “crazy,” or any "whatsit" can be like a cancer eating away at our self-esteem. It can be a fear that others use to control us. It can prevent us from believing or doing many of the things that can help us grow and be happy.

One of my clients, a psychology graduate student, came in because he had low self-esteem and a combative relationship with a woman he loved. They got into arguments that started with mild disagreements, but quickly escalated into shouting matches or even physical brawls. He knew that he couldn't control his temper and suspected that it had something to do with his relationship with his father. He had tried to figure it out, but to no avail. Why did he always have to be right? Why was he so persistent and competitive--even over unimportant differences of opinion?

We explored his relationship with his father. His father was a brilliant scientist, had obtained a prestigious position at a very early age, and had achieved a great deal of recognition. However, his father was very demanding. His father had hoped his son would someday become a great scientist. When my client was a boy, his father spent many hours training him to be a scientist.

Yet his father was impatient and short-tempered. Whenever his son couldn't grasp an idea quickly, he would use a negative label like "stupid." My client's mother was also very bright and had a doctorate. Intelligence and science were supremely important in his family.

My client felt confused about his intelligence. Part of him believed he was intelligent. After all, he did well in school, and he thought a high IQ ran in his family. However, another part of him doubted his intelligence because his father had called him "stupid" all his life.

When my client developed interests in art and psychology instead of "hard science," his father was furious and felt like a failure as a father. He told his son what a stupid choice he had made and nearly disowned him. His father was a role model of aggressive, dominating--even cruel--behavior. The goal was to win any conflict--no matter what the means or the cost. Even though my client was angry at his father, he admired him for his intelligence and accomplishments so much that part of him believed his father was right--he must be stupid.

Yet being smart--even brilliant--was so important to him and his family, that he could not stand to think of himself as other than brilliant. He always had to be right--just like his father. To be wrong might imply that he was stupid (the ultimate sin). When a difference of opinion would arise with someone, he would either fight desperately to win and prove himself right or withdraw (out of fear of losing the other person's love.)

He, literally, didn't understand how to have a noncompetitive conversation over an issue and accept that two people could each have a legitimate point of view. He turned every discussion into a contest in which one person won and the other lost. His pride or self-image was at stake in every disagreement. This competitiveness undermined all of his relationships--especially those with women. Through self-exploration we had found that being thought "stupid" by himself or others was one of his worst fears in life. That was a major insight for him. But what could he do to overcome this fear?


Accept the implications of the worst possible self-label. Behind all of this competitiveness was his fear of a label. The idea of being stupid (or even not being highly intelligent) was about the worst possible self-label my client could think of.

We explored the origins of his fear. His family assumed that a person had to be intelligent to have any self-worth. To be accepted as a family member, a person had to be brilliant. He even said half-joking at one point, "I might as well be dead as be stupid."

We continued to explore his negative associations with the label "stupid.” What if he really had a low IQ? What would his life be like? What would other people think of him and how would they react to him?

Then, I asked him to find scenarios of how he could still be a happy person even if his worst fear were true--even if he really had a low IQ. He faced his worst possible self-concept fear and found routes to happiness that were possible even with a low IQ. For example, even if he couldn't be a successful professional, he could still be happy as a carpenter.

He also confronted his belief that stupid people have no value with a higher belief that all people have value. Consequently, he found that he could still love and accept himself--even if he were to have a low IQ.

My client clarified how much "being right" and "winning arguments" was interfering with his relationships and life. He chose to make intimacy, empathy, and happiness more important values than winning and being right. He lost much of his need to defend himself against perceived attacks on his intelligence. He began to listen more, be more accepting, and be more supportive.


Why can't we all learn what even children say,

"Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but words will never hurt me”? [Unless we let them.]


Remember, the more successful and powerful we are, the more praise and criticism we receive. More derogatory jokes, cartoons, and statements are made about the president of the United States than any other person in the country. Yet, by many measures, he is the most powerful and successful person in the entire country! What if the president couldn't stand criticism and got upset every time a politician or journalist said something negative about him? It just wouldn't do to have a thin-skinned president.

I asked workshop participants to list both positive and negative characteristics of the U.S. President. For almost every negative label, they listed a corresponding positive label that described the same behavior. For example, he was called "slick" by someone who didn't like him, but called a "good communicator" by one of his supporters. The underlying behaviors that the two people saw were the same, but their interpretation of those behaviors was positive or negative depending on their point of view.

Behaviors are just behaviors. They do not come with labels. However--no matter who we are or how we behave--people will give negative and positive labels to those neutral behaviors. People who like what we do will use positive labels, and people who don't like what we do will use negative labels--for the same behaviors. There is no way out--even doing nothing can be labeled negatively. Certainly we will not think well of a president who does nothing.

What can you do if you have been inhibited by your fears of negative labels? First, assume that whatever you do will not be liked by some people. Those people may use negative labels to describe your behavior. They may also overgeneralize and use a negative label to describe you as a person. Not just that you acted "selfishly," but that you are "selfish."

Also, remind yourself that the more successful and influential someone becomes, the more they will be the target of negative comments. The more decisively you act, the more upset those who disagree will become. Learning to accept those negative comments is necessary if you want to have a significant positive impact on the world. Otherwise, your fear of those comments will keep you from speaking or acting assertively.


How to overcome negative labels. In addition to using the self-exploration methods, try using the following to help you identify and overcome some of your worst-feared negative labels.

1. Make a list of the worst possible self-labels. Follow your fears and imagine the worst possible comments someone could say or think about you. List them all--no matter how "silly" or unlikely they seem.

2. Accept the worst possible consequences and implications. Pick two or three of the worst labels to work on accepting. For each negative description use the self-exploration process described in Chapter 2 to explore the implications of these self-labels. What beliefs or historical events with others underlie these self-labels? What are the practical implications for your life if it turns out you really are this way? What routes to happiness would still be open to you if the worst were to happen? 

3. Learn to accept and love yourself "Even if I were a whatsit." Work on accepting and loving yourself even if you were this worst possible "whatsit.” Unconditional self-love means that we can love and respect ourselves no matter what kind of a "whatsit" we might be. You are more than a label. You may do "whatsit" behaviors or even partly be a "whatsit," but you are much more than a "whatsit" and your essence is not a "whatsit."

4. Face the truth. Face the issue "How true is this description of me.” Try to be honest with yourself and even seek the opinion of trusted others.

5. Do you want to make any changes? Keep working on accepting and loving yourself as you are now even if you do intend to change some part of yourself. As you begin to accept that you are an ok, worthwhile person who can love yourself being a whatsit, you free yourself to decide whether or not you really want to partly be a "whatsit" or not.

You are no longer being "pressured" into change by guilt, "shoulds," or internalized expectations from others. You can now ask yourself questions like, "Will’s I be happier being a ‘whatsit’ or not?" or "Is changing from a 'whatsit' a high enough priority in my life to merit the time and effort it will take?"


PRACTICE: Learn to accept your worst possible self labels. Just as Roger Crawford learned to accept and love his hands and feet, we can learn to accept the worst possible "whatsit" that we might possibly be. We need to do this even before we face the truth. We need to follow our fears to the bottom or worst fear. Try thinking of all of the worst possible labels or descriptions you can think that someone might say or think about you. Then apply steps 1-5 above to overcome those worst possible label fears.


We can't fully love ourselves unconditionally and accept all aspects of ourselves while we cannot do the same for others. We cannot accept the imperfections in ourselves and not accept the imperfections in others. Our Higher Self is too smart for that. It will not let us have inner harmony if we try to accept imperfections in ourselves and not accept them in others. That inconsistency creates disharmony.

We can apply the same principles to overcoming anger toward others that are successful for overcoming anger toward ourselves (guilt). We will not be able to rid ourselves of the anger unless we can do the following.

1. Accept the effects of their actions. You cannot truly accept or forgive another until you have accepted all of the perceived consequences of their actions. Begin by working on accepting those. Use your higher beliefs. Be grateful for the positives that you have. Find new routes to happiness--despite what they have done. Then the acceptance process can proceed.

2. Choose happiness and health over anger. Are you holding on to your anger in order to punish the perpetrator? Your anger is harming you more than them--is that what you want? If issues like fairness, justice, or revenge are central concerns see the appendix on Anger and Aggression.

3. Develop understanding and empathetic thoughts toward the perpetrator. We can use the same process of understanding, accepting, and forgiving others that we use for ourselves. Deep understanding of the causes and empathy are the first steps to accepting negative effects of others' actions. Understanding and acceptance helps reduce the blame and anger.

==> Go to the appendix on Anger and Aggression for more help on accepting and forgiving others.



SHAQ Research Results: Self-Worth


   The Self-Worth Scale correlated with Happiness, .59; with Low Depression, .45; with Low Anxiety, .42; with Low Anger-Aggr, .48; with good Relationships, .39; with Health, .36; with Income, .11; with Education, .09; and with college GPA, .10.


The three Self-Worth subscales’ results were:

1. Love self and others; maximize and balance happiness correlated with Happiness, .57; with Low Depression, .33; with Low Anxiety, .25; with Low Anger-Aggr, .36; with Relationships, .43; and with Health, .31.

2. Unconditional self-worth (not dependent upon anything) correlated with Happiness, .36; with Low Depression, .34; with Low Anxiety, .38; with Low Anger-Aggr, .43; with Relationships, .21; with Health, .29; with Income, .14; with Education, .11; and with college GPA, .08.

3. Accepting all of self correlated with Happiness, .16; with Low Depression, .28; with Low Anxiety, .19; with Education, .07; and with college GPA, .07.


   According to my research, a person with high Self-Worth--who loves all of himself or herself unconditionally, cares for all others unconditionally, and attempts to maximize and balance happiness for self and others--is more likely to be happy, have good relationships, and have success in life. Consequently, developing your self-worth is an important part of choosing to be happy.


Note: For all correlations, p < .0001 and Ns ranged from 2593 to 3199.





Self-confidence is the expected probability that a person will achieve a goal in a certain situation. For example if Mark estimates that his probability of achieving an "A" on a calculus exam is 90%, we would conclude that Mark had high self-confidence in his ability to do well on a calculus exam. If Mark had estimated 10%, then we would say he had low self-confidence about his ability to do well on the exam.


Self-confidence is situational--not absolute. It is important to remember that self-confidence is always relative to the task and situation. We have different levels of confidence in different situations. For example, Mark might be confident in Math; but lack confidence in English. He may also lack confidence in meeting people. He may estimate that his probability of success when he meets someone is only 10% (relative to a goal of making a new friend). Confidence is relative to the prescribed situation, task, and expectations.

Although self-confidence is primarily situational, self-confidence may generalize across many situations. For example, suppose Jason was good not only in math, but in almost all academic subjects. He would probably develop self-confidence for learning any academic subject--even those he had not attempted. If Jason is also good at sports, people skills, and other life areas, then he would probably develop a high level of self-confidence in general.

Similarly, if Jeff performed poorly in math, social situation, sports, and most areas of his life, then he would probably develop a low level of self-confidence in general. However, most of us are not like Jason or Jeff. Most of us believe that we do well in some situations (such as math) and not so well in others (such as meeting people or dealing with conflict).

I use the term "self-confidence" to mean what Dr. Albert Bandura, a leading research psychologist, has called "self-efficacy expectations." It has been the object of intense study in the field of psychology and led to many important findings. Generally, it is a good predictor of how well people will perform on all sorts of tasks. High self-confidence also increases people's motivation and persistence.


Self-confidence is at the root of self-fulfilling prophesies. Another research finding is called the self-fulfilling prophesy. An example of a positive self-fulfilling prophesy would be if you believe, "Lori will probably like me if I talk with her.” That belief alone can partially cause you to initiate a conversation with Lori and be friendlier to her. Thus, the belief alone actually increased the probability that it would be fulfilled (since the belief actually helped cause the action that helped cause the prophecy's fulfillment.)

An example of a negative self-fulfilling prophesy would be your belief, "Lori will probably not like me if I talk with her." That belief might prevent you from speaking to her or cause you to be less friendly to her. In turn, Lori may not like you because you were not friendly to her.

What if I believed, "If I think it will rain tomorrow, my belief will actually make it rain tomorrow (because my beliefs have some magical powers over the weather)?" What is the difference between a belief like that and the belief, "I can learn math"?

It is important to differentiate between a self-fulfilling prophesy and a superstitious belief. A superstitious belief is a belief that XXX is a cause of an outcome when it really isn't. For example my beliefs do have causal effects on my motivation, but my beliefs do not have causal effects on the weather. Any such belief is superstitious.

Don’t waste time trying to control events that you really can't. Too many people spend too much time, money, and energy seeking the advice of astrologers and others taking advantage of people’s superstitious beliefs. People often claim to have magical powers of insight or control over events that they do not—often to make money. They prey on people's desire for help. Don't become psychologically dependent on these people. Don't become a victim of superstition. Investigate claims of magical powers and insights.


Our general beliefs about ourselves can have a powerful effect upon our self-confidence across many situations. An engineering student in his mid-twenties came to one of my workshops because he was a junior on academic probation (had less than a "C" grade average). He really wanted to be an engineer, but he believed that he was not as smart as the other students.

As a result he usually felt insecure in his classes or in any situation that related to engineering. He was afraid to talk to his instructors because he feared they would discover his secret--that he was really "dumb." Whenever he came across a difficult problem or idea, he would give up easily because he thought that he was "too dumb" to ever understand it.

      His underlying false belief was, "If I feel confused, it must be because I'm dumb." He often felt confused, so that "proved" he was "dumb.” What he didn't know is that the "A" students often feel confused also, because the ideas and problems really are hard. Feeling confused is not an indication of intelligence or ability; it is a normal part of the learning process. (See Chapter 7 on harmonious functioning and peak performance).

How is this an example of a negative self-fulfilling prophesy? The belief he was "dumb" caused him to give up too soon. If he had believed he had the ability to solve the problem, he would have persisted.


We can believe that we are too strong and secure to feel threatened. Several weeks later, this student came in for counseling. He told me that the workshop helped him reinterpret his confusion. He no longer assumed that he was dumb. Each time he started to assume that he was "dumber" than the other engineering students; he questioned that assumption and persisted until he understood or solved the problem.

His effort, understanding, and grades improve dramatically. In addition, he enjoyed his classes more and felt more confident about his intelligence in general. He said, "I used to think that the few students who could solve the tough homework problems must be brilliant. Now, I am one of them--I can't believe it." His increased self-confidence in his personal intellectual power gives him more confidence in almost any problem-solving situation--even outside of engineering.

It is important to note that his intelligence had not increased--only his belief in himself. It was not important that he believe he was brilliant, it was only important that he believe he could keep trying his best a little while longer.

DEALING WITH PAST "FAILURES"--and low self-confidence

By "failure" I simply mean not reaching a goal. Putting ourselves down, beating ourselves up, and being overly self-critical or self-punitive not only feels terrible, but it is highly unproductive and dysfunctional. Even if negative self-talk produces some short-term motivation for some people to improve performance, the long-term motivational effects are almost always negative. For most people, even the short-range effects on motivation are negative.

Positive techniques work much better. However, you may not know how to motivate yourself with positive approaches--especially if your family did not do it. In Chapters 7-9 on harmonious functioning and the O-PATSM self-management system, I will revisit the topic of self-confidence and will present a number of specific methods for increasing your sense of self-confidence. Meanwhile, here are a few statements you can tell yourself when you tend to be too self-critical or focus on the negative aspects of not reaching your goal(s).

Just because I didn't reach a goal in the past does not mean that I am a failure or will not reach my goal in the future.

Abraham Lincoln lost every election until he finally went to the Senate and then ran for president.

The great football coach, Vince Lombardy who became famous for "making winners of losers" suggested that no matter how "bad" we are, we start with simple, small goals and do our best in order to "get in the habit of winning" and get a "winning feeling" and get a "winning expectation." He was one of the few coaches who tried his best to win even the practice preseason games.

Don't use the world "failure." Instead, (1) describe what you did and did not accomplish, (2) accept all outcomes, (3) ask what you can learn from the situation, and (4) ask if your goals and expectations are realistic (Chapter 8).

If your goal is to learn or grow, you can never fail! No matter how many goals you fail to accomplish in a specific situation, you can always succeed at learning from it. Therefore, make learning a top goal in life, and you can be a success--no matter how much you fail at any other goal.



What is the secret to self-confidence? Is it encouragement and positive feedback from other people? Dr. David McClelland, a leading authority on achievement motivation, summarized years of research on self-confidence. He said that the most important factor for developing self-confidence is to master the needed skills. Your mother, your friends, and your teachers may tell you that you are not good at a task XXX. However, if you know how to XXX well enough, you can feel confident about XXX no matter what they think. Likewise, if everyone else tells you are great at XXX, but you know that you don't know how to do XXX well enough, you will lack self-confidence.

How much of a talent is innate versus learning? We can develop any skill by learning--even skills many people do not ordinarily think of as skills--such as self-motivation, learning skills, and assertion. Do you think that people are born "motivated," "smart," or "assertive"? These factors can be affected by heredity, but specific values, beliefs, knowledge and skills are learned. These are factors we can control that will affect our motivation and competencies in all areas of life.

We can improve our skills through watching and learning from others who are experts, reading, taking classes, and from practice. The more we immerse ourselves learning the skill, the faster we will learn.

By gradually increasing our goals as we increase our skills, we can be challenged, interested, and feel successful at every stage of learning--novice, intermediate, advanced, and expert. The same methods of learning apply as well to interpersonal skills as to sports, business, or intellectual skills. If you have been good at learning in one area of your life--such as sports, playing the piano, or in school--apply the same learning methods that were successful there to an area where you feel less confidence.


How important are basic life skills--cognitive skills, self-management skills, and interpersonal skills--to success in life? Research has shown that life skills are keys to success in academic, career, relationship, and personal areas. I have developed three questionnaires to measure life skills—the LSQ, SRQ (with Sherry), and SHAQ.


Life Skills Questionnaire (LSQ) and Stevens Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ) Results

I developed the LSQ to measure the relationship between life skills and life success. I used both self-rated life skills and more objective measures. More than 4,000 people were given the LSQ to see how well it correlated with life success criteria and happiness (Stevens, 1987). One study compared the relationship between life skills of 384 adults in their mid-twenties through fifties and their life success. We found significant correlations between life skills (cognitive, self-management skills, and interpersonal skills) and life success (college success, career success, and relationship success). For example overall cognitive skills correlated .37 with college grade average and learning skills correlated .43 with job status. Overall self-management skills correlated .30 with job status and .24 to number of relationships. Overall interpersonal skills correlated with both career status .30 and interpersonal success, and intimacy skills correlated .27 with relationship commitment level.


The LSQ, SRQ, and happiness. I believe the most important type of success is overall happiness. The LSQ and SRQ had even better correlations with happiness than it did with these other types of success. Overall personal happiness was correlated most with self-management skills, .51. However, personal happiness was also correlated to cognitive skills, .32 and interpersonal skills, .34.

    My wife, Sherry, and I also developed the Stevens Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ) to measure relationship skills (Stevens and Stevens, 1995). Intimacy and assertive conflict resolution skills were highly correlated (more than .70) with the widely-used Locke-Wallace relationship satisfaction questionnaire.

It is important to note that cognitive, self-management, and interpersonal skills are vital to all important life areas. For example, all three types of skills can improve chances for happiness and success in one's career and in one's close relationships.

The Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ) Results

While the first edition of this book utilized the above research results, the new research results from 3400 people taking SHAQ has provided much more detailed evidence for the relationship between life skills and both happiness and success.


Self-management skills. The SHAQ Self-Management scale correlated with Happiness, .66; with Low Depression, .40; with Low Anxiety, .32; with Low Anger-Aggression, .38; with good Relationships, .50; with Health, .47; with Income, .10; with Education, .14; and with college GPA, .20. These are impressively high correlations, and show the importance of self-management skills for life happiness and success. See Chapter 9 for a more in-depth analysis of self-management.


Emotional coping skills. The SHAQ Emotional Coping scale correlated with Happiness, .66; with Low Depression, .60; with Low Anxiety, .51; with Low Anger-Aggression, .49; with good Relationships, .42; with Health, .49; with Income, .13; with Education, .14; and with college GPA, .14. Emotional coping also seems to be a fundamental skill set that is substantially related to happiness and success. See Chapter 8 for detail on emotional coping.


Interpersonal skills. The original SRQ had such good results that it was copied almost verbatim into SHAQ, and became the SHAQ Interpersonal Skills scales. The nine Interpersonal skills scales combined correlated with Happiness, .59; with Low Depression, .39; with Low Anxiety, .38; with Low Anger-Aggr, .59; with good Relationships, .49; with Health, .40; and with Income, .21. Interpersonal skills are discussed in greater depth in Chapter 6 and Appendix E.


Learning skills and academic motivation. Since I was very concerned about college student success, I designed 14 special SHAQ scales to assess learning skills and academic motivation. Combined, they correlated with Happiness, .67; with Low Depression, .49; with Low Anxiety, .46; with Low Anger-Aggression, .42; with good Relationships, .46; with Health, .43; with Income, .37; with Education level, .36; and with college GPA, .45; and with happy work relationships, .60. (For income, education level, and college GPA, only ages over 25 or 30 included.) Most of the rest were college students. Learning skills are discussed in more depth in Chapter 7.





Cognitive, Self-Management, and Interpersonal Skills


What are key life skills? Following are some of the key life skills identified by the LSQ and in psychological literature that seem important in many life areas. Assess your own life skills.


COGNITIVE:                                ______Learning and study skills

                                           ______Critical-thinking and logic

                                           ______Research and methodology



                                           ______Creative thinking

                                           ______Mathematics and quantitative thinking

                                           ______Reading and comprehension

                                           ______Writing and communication skills

                                           ______Computer skills

                                          ______Disciplines (Science, history, psychology, health, business, literature, music, art, philosophy, etc.) List content areas of strength and weakness:


SELF-MANAGEMENT:                         ______Decision-making

                                           ______Life and career planning


                                           ______Emotional coping skills


                                           ______Self-motivation, achievement, motivation, and work habits

                                           ______Changing habits

                                           ______Managing money


INTERPERSONAL:                            ______Meeting people and talking to strangers       

                                           ______Empathetic listening skills

                                           ______Self-disclosure of feelings & intimate information

                                           ______Other intimacy skills

                                           ______Conflict resolution skills


                                           ______Managing others

                                           ______Helping and teaching skills

                                           ______Public speaking skills

                                           ______Job search and interviewing


OTHER:                                     ______Skills in home maintenance, car repair, sports,

                                                            music,, art, hosting, or other activities (list)

                                           ______ Other: list other areas  important in your life


OVERALL:                          ______Overall Happiness Quotient (HQ) or "Happiness IQ" On a scale of 0 to 100, how confident are you that you can lead a happy life in the future? (This is the most important question.)  You may find your HQ by taking SHAQ.



PRACTICE 1: Self-Assessment: Estimate your level of self-confidence and skill levels in each life area. Estimate your own level of confidence and skill in each of the areas in the Key Life Skills table. For a more thorough assessment, try listing more specific, import ant goals or situations within each area. Use whatever standards or goals that you would naturally set for yourself. Relate confidence to your personal reference group or internal standard. How confident on a scale of 0 to 100 are you that you can reach your own goals in each of these areas?


PRACTICE 2: Self-Development: Plan your own life skills self-development program. Make a plan for developing key life skill areas. Try the following:

(1) List important life areas where you do not feel as confident or skilled as you would like for success and happiness in your career, relationships, or personal life.

(2) For each important life skill area, list potential learning opportunities--such as books, classes, counseling, workshops, observing people who can serve as "models," practice, feedback, or other life experiences that can help you develop your skills.

(3) Develop definite goals and plans for improving skills. Build them into your personal goals and time-management system (see self-management Chapter 9). (4) Seek feedback and do regular self-assessment of overall progress. Integrate into an overall self-management system like O-PATSM (Chapter 9).




   There is an important difference between actual life skills and self-confidence in life skills. Skills reflect complex, learned beliefs and habits, whereas confidence reflects one’s assessment of their skills. Self-confidence is based upon actual skills, but includes other factors such as people’s feedback or the group you compare yourself to. I may be a good tennis player compared to my friends, but not compared to professionals. So am I “good” or not?

   In the practice above, you were asked to estimate your own life skills. SHAQ contains a scale based upon this life skill list to assess users’ ratings of their own skills. What is actually being measured—life skills or self-confidence?

   In the above sections on self-management, emotional coping, interpersonal, and learning skills, the LSQ, SRQ, and SHAQ life skill scale scores were measuring a sum of many detailed items describing different aspects of skills. In this section on life skill self-confidence, the score is an overall, global rating on one item of a skill area. To the degree that users can accurately rate their own skills, their life skills are being assessed. However, what is more certain is that the self-confidence in their life skills is being assessed. Actual skill and confidence are partially independent factors, but both are important.


We have seen how SHAQ users’ actual life skills relate to their happiness and other positive outcomes. Let’s look at how SHAQ users’ self-confidence in their life skills relates to their happiness and other important life outcomes.



SHAQ Research Results: Self-Confidence


   The Self-Confidence Scale correlated with Happiness, .69; with Low Depression, .46; with Low Anxiety, .43; with Low Anger-Aggr, .38; with good Relationships, .50; with Health, .39; with Income, .17; with Education, .15; and with college GPA, .19.


The seven Self-Confidence/Life Skills subscales follow.

1. Self-development, self-control, self-discipline. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .67; with Low Depression, .47; with Low Anxiety, .37; with Low Anger-Aggr, .32; with Relationships, .41; and with Health, .42; with Income, .17; with Education, .14; and with college GPA, .21.

2. Positive achievement and coping. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .74; with Low Depression, .50; with Low Anxiety, .38; with Low Anger-Aggr, .35; with Relationships, .54; with Health, .30; with Income, .06; with Education, .05; and with college GPA, .08.

3. Learning. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .41; with Low Depression, .32; with Low Anxiety, .36; with Low Anger-Aggr, .33; with Relationships, .24; with Health, .31; with Income, .22; with Education, .25; and with college GPA, .25.

4. Interpersonal skills—focus management/marketing. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .58; with Low Depression, .38; with Low Anxiety, .40; with Low Anger-Aggr, .23; with Relationships, .45; with Health, .25; with Income, .19; with Education, .09; and with college GPA, .07.

5. Helping (interpersonal) skills. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .48; with Low Depression, .27; with Low Anxiety, .28; with Low Anger-Aggr, .34; with Relationships, .41; with Health, .27; with Education, .14; and with college GPA, .14.

6. Natural science. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .32; with Low Depression, .23; with Low Anxiety, .22; with Low Anger-Aggr, .22; with Relationships, .20; with Health, .29; with Income, .16; with Education, .06; and with college GPA, .10.

7. Creativity and art. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .35; with Low Depression, .20; with Low Anxiety, .18; with Low Anger-Aggr, .22; with Relationships, .31; and with Health, .18.


   It should be clear from these results that self-confidence and/or actual life skills in these life areas are important factors associated with happiness, low negative emotions, and some life success outcomes. Developing these life skills at higher levels can take many years of education and/or study. However, any progress you make may help. It may be especially important to make an honest self-assessment and begin working on areas that are either low or more central to your personal goals. Reading, taking courses, and learning through experience and role-models are all important ways of improving life skills.


Note: For all correlations, p < .0001 and Ns ranged from 2531 to 3196.



Following are some important factors that have been shown by research to increase self-confidence and performance.


Past success in similar situations. The more experience and success we have achieved in similar situations, the more confident we will tend to feel. If we have a poor track record or lack experience, then we will feel less confident.


Challenging standards or criteria for success. Our standards or expectations may be too high considering factors such as the difficulty of the task, our level of experience, our relevant skills, our mental state, or the level of our competition. Standards that are too high will undermine our confidence.

On the other hand, standards that are too low can make the task unchallenging and cause us to be overconfident. Sometimes we can set ourselves up for an unexpected failure by setting goals that are too low. Setting goals that are optimally challenging (considering all of these factors) is most motivating.


Following are some factors that can affect our standards.

 Level of goal difficulty. The easier the task, the more confidence you will feel that you can perform well; the harder it is, the less confidence you will have. If your expectations and goals are too high, it will cause you to feel less confidence and more self-doubt.

 Reference group. Who will be evaluating your performance? Who will you be comparing yourself to? The higher the standards of external judges, internalized judges, or your own standards, the less confidence you will feel.


Positive philosophy and positive self-talk. We have seen how the way we talk to ourselves gives us important messages that affect our confidence level. This self-talk comes from underlying belief systems--including our internalized parents or peers, our self-images, our world views, and our Higher Selves. As we confront, convert, or replace old negative beliefs with positive ones, our self-confidence will be improved as well. (See Higher Self Chapter 3.)


Visualizing success. Visualizing success not only implements the positive self-fulfilling prophesy motivation, but it also helps us develop road maps to success. Visualizing ourselves successfully performing some task and reaching a successful outcome can help us overcome mental barriers to success. It might be that we, literally, cannot imagine being successful. Perhaps it is because we have not actually tried getting a clear mental image of either (1) doing the task successfully or (2) being in the successful goal state.

 Mental practice increases success. A college student in one of my classes was an Olympic marksman. In the past he had been practicing daily; but now he no longer had time to practice daily, because the practice site was so far away. Instead, he learned to use mental imagery to practice. Six times a week, he imagined--in great detail--shooting at targets as if he were at the target range. Once a week he shot at the range. His shooting scores continued to rise at the same rate as when he had practiced seven days a week shooting real bullets at the real target range.

In a controlled experiment, students in Australia who had never shot a basketball used mental imagery to learn how to shoot baskets. During later tests, those only using imagery shot as accurately as students who practiced shooting real basketballs. In other controlled experiments, people learned to increase communication skills by mental role-playing.

 Visualizing the goal state can help create it. If you haven't pictured reaching an important goal or imagining what it would be like, develop a mental image of it. Start fantasizing about the goal state just for fun.

In the fifth grade, when we studied all the U.S. states in our geography lessons, I decided that I wanted to live in California. Later, as a teenager, I developed a fear that I might never leave Oklahoma City, because I (literally) hadn't imagined living any place else. So, I started imagining myself living in Southern California--the ocean, the palm trees, the weather, etc. I became fascinated with the Hollywood Bowl because I loved music and had seen it in several movies. I moved to Southern California as soon as I graduated from college.

Visualizing increases motivation. Visualizing something clearly and often helps it seem more possible and increases our motivation to get it. It can also make achieving the goal more rewarding. Many of my dreams and fantasies have been fulfilled. Actually attending my first performance at the Bowl was a thrill. I have had season tickets for many years, and I still sometimes feel like I am living in a dream.

      When I am actually participating in something that I have fantasized about, it seems to enhance my emotional experience of it. I get a wonderful feeling of great fulfillment and gratitude when I feel that I am living out a dream.


Others' Expectations and Input. What others say can also affect our confidence, especially if we are young, inexperienced in the area, or more externally controlled. It is also important to observe how we let other people affect us.

Do you feel more or less self-worth or self-confidence after talking with a certain person or being in a certain group? One simple way to learn to become more confident is to spend more time with people who help you feel better about yourself and less time with those who don't.

==> Chapter 6 on internal control can also help with self-confidence.


Being focused--lack of interfering or distracting factors. To the extent that other concerns compete with the task at hand for your attention, your motivation and confidence will be undermined. The "rise above" Chapter 8 will show you how to keep your focus "on the ball."     





Self-esteem is like a mountain stream that begins with a small spring

and ends in a mighty river.

The small spring begins in our Higher Self with empathy

for our own and other's feelings.

Empathy forms a basis for unconditional self-love and

unconditional love of others.

Empathy and love are constant sources of positive thoughts and feelings.


Unconditional self-worth is not dependent upon who we are,

what we do, what we have, or what anyone thinks about us.

If we have self-worth, then self-confidence is a bonus.

Self-confidence is based upon our belief that we have the right motivation, knowledge, and skills to reach our goals.

The best kind of self-confidence is knowing that

we have the basic motivation and ability to learn in any situation.


What began as empathy and unconditional self-love

forms the basis for self-confidence in all areas of life.

That self-caring and self-confidence provides the power of a mighty river

for overcoming life's logjams.














Abraham Maslow found autonomy and "independence of culture and environment" to be primary characteristics of self-actualizing people.


. . .self-actualizing people are not so dependent for their main satisfactions on the real world, or other people or culture or means to ends or,

 in general, on extrinsic satisfaction. . .

They would maintain relative serenity in the midst of circumstances

that would lead other people to suicide. . .

The determinants of their motivation and the good life are for them

now inner-individual and not social. . .The honors, the status, the rewards, the popularity, the prestige, and the love they can bestow have become less important than self-development and inner growth.

(Abraham Maslow, 1954, p. 162)


Research has consistently associated autonomy, internal locus of control, independence, and similar personality dimensions with mental health and many types of success. Too much external control is one of the most common problems I see among clients. It is a major underlying problem contributing to such diverse problems as chronic anxiety and depression, nonassertiveness, performance anxiety, addictive behavior patterns, phobias, intimacy and relationship problems, and dysfunctional family problems.

What is this pervasive problem that seems to interfere with the lives of so many people? Why do so many of us have it? The underlying issue about internal versus external control concerns the relative importance of self-developed, internal guides versus externally-developed guides to decision-making. When we are about to make a decision, are we being more influenced by our own well-thought out beliefs, values, standards, and goals? Or are we more influenced by what we think others expect or want us to do? Examine yourself with the following ten questions.

1. Do you use external OR internal expectations to evaluate yourself?

2. Do you do what others want to do most of the time?

3. Do you seek approval so much that it is a "must," OR is it a pleasant "bonus"?

4. Do you try to impress others, or are you comfortable about yourself? 

5. Do you worry about being "popular" and pleasing everyone OR focus more on taking good care of yourself and those closest to you?

6. Do you frequently want to do the opposite of what others want you to do--no matter what they want?

7. Do you often let others make decisions for you?

8. Do you let others take care of you (emotionally, financially, socially, etc.)?

9. Do you worry about taking care of others' needs or feelings more than you take care of your own?

10. Do you constantly "should" all over yourself OR do what you "want" to do?


The external control answer for all of the above questions was the first alternative or a "yes" answer. If you answered the external control answer to any of these questions, then external control is almost certainly a significant cause of unhappiness in your life! A section below will be devoted to each question. If you scored a perfect "internal control," then perhaps you do not need to read this chapter.


PRACTICE: Think of a situation or person where you are under more external control. Think of some areas of your life where you feel more secure and confident and are more internally controlled. Think of at least one area of your life where you feel less secure and think that you are more externally controlled. Or think of a person (or type of person) with whom you tend to be more externally controlled (authorities, strangers, spouse, friends, etc.). Then focus on that person when I describe external control dynamics in the sections below.



We may not see ourselves as being externally controlled at all. For example, people who are rebellious usually see themselves as "free" and "independent." However, true rebels are externally controlled people. The word "rebel" implies that they are rebelling against something. True rebels do the opposite of what others want or expect. They are motivated by getting disapproval, surprise, or some other negative reaction from others. Consequently, they are externally controlled by the expectations of others.


Conformists do exactly what others expect.

Rebels do exactly the opposite of what others expect.

Internally controlled people make their decisions based upon

their own values and expectations--independent of what others expect.

Who is to be the final judge of what you do in a particular situation?


Who are you really trying to please? Whose standards are you using to evaluate your behavior? Who are your judges and how important are they? The more you judge yourself by your Higher Self and what is beneficial to yourself and others, the more you are internally controlled. The more you allow yourself to be judged by others--especially those who are not contributing to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of others--the more you are externally controlled.

External control is often related to lack of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence. If you do not love yourself enough, do not respect yourself, and do not trust your own intelligence and judgment, then why would you trust yourself to judge or to decide?

I once read a card that said, "You don't have an inferiority complex, you're just inferior." Down deep many people with low self-esteem believe that about themselves. They may believe that they have some basic defect (such as an "emotional disorder" or "low IQ") that means they cannot trust their own opinions or judgments. Therefore, they always defer to others' reasoning and opinions.


Your own needs, expectations, and opinions are important. The U.S. Constitution does not require that people have an IQ of 120 or pass a battery of psychological tests to vote. It presumes that no matter what a citizen's IQ or emotional health status (except extreme cases), they should be allowed to vote; because each person's needs are important and each person can best speak for his or herself.

It doesn't matter whether or not you are the most important, intelligent, or emotionally mature person in the room, your needs and views are as important as anyone else's! Remind yourself of the U. S. Constitution when your old messages tell you that your point of view may not be important.

When it comes to judging yourself, your expectations are the most important ones, because you are the one who is most affected most by those expectations.


We will only learn to make good judgments and decisions by judging and deciding. We will never learn if we do not practice. To learn to make good judgments or decisions, it is necessary to practice making judgments and decisions. Remind yourself of that when you are tempted to defer to others. Listen to others, but make the final judgments and decisions yourself!


How do you balance your own wants and needs with the wants and needs of others? Do you tend to constantly focus on others' needs and wants at the expense of your own? When you disagree, do you always end up losing? Is the overall balance of control (who gets their way?) with each person in your life about 50-50%? Or is it disproportionate in some cases (such as 70-30%)? How often are decisions and disagreements settled by "I win--you win" outcomes--in which both people are happy? How often are the outcomes "I lose--you win" or "I win--you lose" types?

The United States constitution asserts that you each have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness so long as it does not interfere with the rights of others to do the same. I like that principle. This assertion is basically permissive and says we can do anything we want to pursue happiness so long as it does not hurt others.

Jesus, in the New Testament, asserted that we should love others as we love ourselves. He seemed to assume that we love ourselves (and therefore will take good care of ourselves) and will ideally love others as much as we love ourselves and care for their needs almost as if they were your own. This is a great contrast to the belief of many churchgoers--"always put others first."

Your Higher Self automatically cares about you and other people. You cannot be maximally happy without making contributions to others' happiness in addition to your own--not "in place of" your own.

If you are in the habit of focusing on other people's needs and worrying about their feelings before your own, then you need to reverse this trend. Start focusing on your own goals first. Remember, you are most responsible for your needs and feelings, and they are most responsible for theirs.


Are you constantly seeking others' approval? Are you worried about being popular? Does it seem important that everyone like you, agree with you, or approve of what you do? If you don't get approval and respect from nearly everyone, can you accept yourself? Are you afraid that if others don't approve, some "disaster" will occur--such as total rejection, a terrible conflict, or worse?

These are all signs of external control. They are based on assumptions that you must have other people's approval to be an ok person or get your basic needs met. People with more internal control are not so concerned about approval. They do not believe that they must have others' approval. Instead they are concerned primarily about their own internal standards and their approval of themselves. They may enjoy other people's attention, respect, liking, and approval; but they view these external signs of approval as bonuses--unnecessary additions to their own self-approval. Following are some possible underlying causes of a high need for approval.


A powerful fear of being alone (that makes approval a "must"). Do you fear being alone for extended periods of time? Do you fear living alone indefinitely or never having your own family? Those types of fears may underlie a high need for approval.

It is important to remember that many people are happy alone. I have met many people who overcame overwhelming fears of living alone. They thought they would never be happy alone or get over their fear of living alone. I have had many clients who have successfully made this transition. Many of them had previously stayed in bad, unhappy relationships due to this fear.


Overcoming a fear of being alone by learning "to take care of myself." These clients overcame their fears of being alone by gradually learning how to take care of their own needs and feelings--without depending upon a partner.

They learned to do everything for themselves--pay bills, cook, do the laundry, get the car fixed, entertain themselves, find new friends, get a job and support themselves, make a cozy home for themselves, and take care of their own sexual and emotional needs. They learned to overcome their fears of going places alone (and their fears of what others would think of their "being alone" or "a loser"). They learned to really enjoy taking themselves out to dinner or a movie--alone.

A key to overcoming this fear is to develop mentally stimulating activities alone--to overcome the boredom (and depression). People who learned to feel comfortable alone have usually learned how to entertain themselves without spending much money. Music, reading, TV, computer-related activities, do-it-yourself projects, and art are only a few examples.

People living alone often complain about feeling "lonely" and want emotional support from others. Some people who are happy alone have friends or family to whom they go to for emotional support. However, many people do not have any close friends or family available. What can they do for support? They can learn how to give themselves support. They can support themselves in many ways. Following are a few suggestions that have worked for others:

•Get in touch with your Higher Self and related beliefs. Reassure yourself that you and your happiness are important--unconditionally. Remind yourself that there are many routes to happiness in any situation. If you face failure or loss, these reminders can crucial.

•If you believe in a higher power or God, then use prayer or talk with that higher power to get comfort. Develop your relationship. Don't just talk, but also take time to listen.

•Imagine getting a big hug. Imagine giving yourself a big hug--or do it--when you need one. Or imagine getting a hug from someone you love or an image of someone you ideally want to meet in the future. One client imagined God putting His arms around her and giving her a big hug.

Read comforting passages from books that get you in touch with your basic beliefs, such as the Bible or your favorite self-help book. Poetry and music lyrics can be especially helpful.

•Recall times when you have received positive attention, support, or affection from others who really cared about you. Really "get into" the memory so that you can feel the support and warmth. Positive visualizations can be very helpful.


        PRACTICE: Use your own ideas to make a list of comforting activities now.


Once my clients became more self-sufficient, they no longer "had" to be in a relationship. One client said that in years past she had lost two men that she really loved; her "neediness" had driven them away. Then she spent three years learning how to take care of herself and her own happiness. She went back to school, got her career going, made friends, learned new hobbies, and learned how to entertain and support herself emotionally.

The irony is that since she has been happy alone and stopped "needing" anyone to make her a whole person, she has had many more opportunities to get involved with desirable men. She can now be in a beautiful, intimate, equal relationship with someone she really loves. She had to wait until now, because only now is she the person she wants to be (and the person a man desiring equality and independence wants to find). She no longer has to settle for men who want to dominate her or own her. Domination had been the price for finding someone to take care of her.


Seeking a high degree of approval from others may mean that inside we do not feel secure enough about ourselves (in at least one life area). We may lack self-confidence and not trust our own competence--possibly because we are too inexperienced in that area.

Or, we may lack self-confidence because of deeper doubts about our overall competence or value as a person. Inside we may fear something is seriously wrong with our personality or intelligence. Or we may fear that we have a moral or character defect--that we are weak, bad, stupid, a loser, lazy, damaged, dirty, or have low self-esteem.

These fears may have originated from other people's comments (parents, peers, or authorities). These negative comments may have some element of truth, but our critics may exaggerate the negative aspect. In the process they may teach us their negative cognitive bias styles (overgeneralization, exaggerations, selective abstraction, or negative bias). Thus, we may learn to exaggerate our own deficiencies whenever we make any kind of mistake or anyone criticizes us. The result of this biased input from others and ourselves is a strong belief--"deep inside something is terribly wrong with me."


Taking a public-opinion poll on our worth doesn't work. Every encounter with another person may represent a battle between the positive and negative parts of ourselves. Each part seeks victory. If we get approval, respect, love, attention, or whatever feedback we seek that validates our belief that we are ok, then it is a victory for the positive side. That inner part may generate all sorts of positive thoughts about how great we are.

If on the other hand, if we get disapproval, rejection, or criticism, then the negative part feels validated and takes temporary control. Focusing on this negative input generates feelings such as hurt, anger, anxiety, guilt, or depression. It generates negative thoughts such as "I'm a failure," "I'm stupid," "I'm no good," or "nobody would want me."


I have seen many clients whose mental and emotional life consists of playing out this war between their positive and negative parts for years. They will never get an answer to whether they are worthy or not by taking a public opinion poll--which is what they have been doing. If a person "votes" that they are ok, they feel good. If someone "votes" that they aren’t-ok, they feel terrible.


Become more dependent upon internal validation. Part of the answer to overcoming this conflict is to develop a stronger Higher Self. Recall how the Higher Self gains power as we choose to unconditionally love ourselves and value our own and others' happiness. Our final judge is the Higher Self. As long as we believe that our happiness or opinion of ourselves is dependent upon something only others can give us, we are at their mercy.

If they are negative or controlling persons, they have us by the throat, because they can control us by giving or withholding approval. Therefore, to be internally controlled, we must consistently choose to value our own happiness and other mental or spiritual values above money, above other people's opinions, above being loved, above respect, and above any other value that is external or in the control of other people.


Seek healthy inputs and reprogram cognitive biases. Instead of exposing ourselves to negative inputs and negative people or media, we can expose ourselves to healthier, more positive inputs. Spend more time with happier, healthier people. Spend more time with media providing constructive, positive points of view.

To get control over inner subparts that say we are bad, we can choose to listen and to do what our healthier parts say. We can  validate Higher Self empathy and love. Just keep choosing the alternative that will make you the happiest and contribute most to other people's happiness. Choosing it increases its power. Choosing the way of the negative part increases its power. Almost every choice you make empowers one or the other!

Choosing internal control often means getting far away from family or other people who have dysfunctional needs to "hold on to" and control their adult children or loved ones. It means being assertive about both how often you see them and the nature of your interactions when you are together. Structuring time together so that there is minimal opportunity for the negative interactions can help. Examples include small talk, TV, going to public places, and keeping busy.

I have seen many clients who literally had to escape the powerful family system forces in order to choose mental health over severe psychological dysfunction and unhappiness. For many people the choice is to be in this relationship and continue to be dysfunctional and miserable or to leave it to eventually find health and happiness.


Do you seek approval because you do not trust in your own perception, competence, or judgment? Perhaps you do not trust your own intelligence, judgment, or competence. Therefore, you may trust someone else's more. Sometimes, trusting another's judgment more than our own makes sense. If I were going to receive heart surgery, I would certainly trust my surgeon's knowledge about the heart more than my own. However, that trust does not mean that I would automatically take his advice about whether to have surgery or not. I would probably get at least one additional opinion, learn all I could about my heart, and make the final decision myself.

I see many people who do not even trust their own senses, memory, or perceptions as much as they trust someone else's statements. Statements like "you can't be upset over that," "how could you possibly feel . . .," or "you can't possibly feel . . ." to someone about how they are feeling may mean that the outside observer either misunderstands how the person feels or wants to change how the person is feeling. They may not like or want to accept that this is how the person really is feeling.

The person experiencing the feeling almost always knows what they are feeling better than the outside observer. Yet many people ignore, deny, or describe their own feelings in such a way as to agree with the outside observer instead of trusting their own senses. They might even really become persuaded that they couldn't possibly feel that way.

If any of these are problems for you, then it is important that you practice tuning into your own senses and perceptions. If you are unsure about what your perception is, then you can at least say something like, "I think that I am feeling resentment" and stick to it.


Do you seek approval because you are afraid people only tolerate you? Do you believe deep inside that people would not like you if they really knew all about you? Therefore, you try to present yourself in a way that you think they would like--you present a facade. How much do you distort the truth because you think they would not respect or like you if they knew the truth?

One of my solutions is that if they do not like me the way that I am, then I would not want to get close to them. Why would I want to get too close to anyone who can't accept me the way I am?

Perhaps you believe that no one could accept or like you the way you really are. In one of his roles Groucho Marx once said that he wouldn't want anyone as a friend who would want someone like him as a friend.

Who do you want to be closest to? Who is most important that you be accepted by? If you are concerned about your ability to make friends or be liked, then focus most on the people who you want to be friends with. So what if the others don't like you!

Do you feel that the people most important to you would accept you? If so, then remember this at times when you are starting to worry about seeking others' approval--especially people who are not so important. If you do not think that the people who are most important to you would accept you the way you really are, then perhaps you need to begin a self-improvement program or change your reference group.


What if you are afraid to accept some awful truth about yourself? Another possible reason that you might seek approval so much is that you do not accept some truth about yourself. Maybe your fear of this awful truth causes you to be more externally controlled.

There are two general solutions to a problem--fix it or accept it. The philosopher Reinhold Niebuhr initiated the famous serenity prayer,


God, give me the power to change that which I can change,

the power to accept that which I cannot change,

and the wisdom to know the difference.


If we love ourselves unconditionally, we can accept any truth about ourselves. The first step in 12-step programs for people addicted to alcohol or drugs is to privately and publicly accept the truth that they are alcoholic.

However, once you really allow yourself to explore some awful truth fear about yourself, you may find that it is not true after all. Other people (such as parents or peers) may have convinced you that something is basically wrong with you--even though it is really not true! If self-acceptance or facing some negative self-label is part of your problem, read the self-acceptance section in Chapter 5.



One of the sad things about trying to get everyone to like us is that we can end up hurting those we care most for. We may take our own needs and the needs of those we love most for granted, while we are spending our energy trying to please those for whom we care less (and who care less for us).

The more internally directed person has little need for being popular. Maslow's self-actualized people were often famous leaders, but the goal of being popular was unimportant to them. They were much more concerned about their own happiness and goals for making the world a better place. They usually only had a small number of close friends, and other people's opinions of them mattered relatively little.

Internally controlled people realize that their time and energy are limited. They tend to focus their time and energy more on their own and their loved ones' needs. Even when turning their attention to other people outside their inner circle, they focus on other people's real needs and values--not on being liked or popular.

An outstanding leader is one who wants to provide real benefits to those they are leading--not just get their short-term approval so that they can continue leading. Too many political and organizational leaders do not seem to understand this important principle of good leadership.


To his friends and supporters a male leader might be viewed as strong and decisive. To his enemies, the same quality might be viewed as stubborn and domineering. His friends see him as progressive, farsighted, and a man of change. His enemies describe the same behaviors as too idealistic, foolish, reckless, and impulsive.

Everyone makes different impressions on different people. Even when the observers agree on the behaviors of the person, they will have different interpretations--and some will disapprove. No matter what we do, some people will disapprove! It is impossible to avoid disapproval. We may not always be aware of it, but we each have had lots of disapproval and will continue to have it the rest of our lives.

Therefore, if we want to be maximally happy, we must learn to accept disapproval as a natural event that is ok. Even great leaders have experienced extreme rejection and persecution. Sometimes the more advanced a person is, the greater his or her rejection. Galileo spoke of the earth being round--not flat like everyone believed. His radical idea led to condemnation by the Catholic Church and social ostracism.

Get better acquainted with disapproval so that you can learn to be comfortable with it. Start looking at disapproval as a good friend--at least by those who least understand you. Their disapproval might be positive feedback that you are becoming more internally controlled and standing up for your beliefs. If you are in a manipulative or codependent relationship, strong disapproval may mean that you are confronting core aspects of your partner's dysfunctional beliefs.


Being overly apologetic versus apologizing only if you internally validate your mistake. If you receive disapproval, do you apologize automatically? Do you apologize without even thinking about whether you might be right? Do you usually assume that you are to blame for something that goes wrong? Do you automatically focus inward when a problem arises–as if you assume you caused it or have to fix it? Does it seem strange to focus on what the other person has done? Do you tend to assume that they are smarter, know more, are more competent, or are better in some way than you are?

These are signs of giving others external control. Are you giving them the benefit of the doubt because of low self-confidence or because you want them to guide you? Or, maybe you would rather take the blame than have a conflict with the other person. Are you afraid of dealing with conflict? Are you afraid of being rejected or hurt by the person if you stand up to them? What can you do instead?

Use your inner observer to rise above the situation and be more objective. Pretend that a part of you is an outside observer who is not involved. Let it look carefully to see what each party has thought, felt, and done leading up to the problem. Avoid the concept of blame entirely and avoid blaming language. Focus on events 1, 2, and 3 that preceded the problem. And focus on constructive solutions to the problem. Additionally, try some of the following.

Notice when you automatically assume the other is right. Talk to yourself when you catch yourself starting to apologize. Stop looking only at yourself for the source of the problem.

Stop assuming that questioning them will lead to conflict or rejection. Instead, find a way to speak to them in an understanding, kind--but firm--way. Use diplomacy!

Learn what your underlying motives and assumptions are.

Seek appropriate alternative beliefs based on your Higher Self beliefs.


How often do you let others make decisions for you? How often do you seek help without making a determined effort to make your own decision? How often do you let others just assume what you want--even though it is not what you most want? How often do others make decisions with significant effects on you--yet you never tell them that you want something else?

Many of the same underlying causes for seeking approval also cause us to let others make decisions for us. We want approval, acceptance, conflict avoidance, or some reward from them. So, we don't speak up, we let them make the decisions and get their way most of the time.

Perhaps we give in because we are dealing with an exceptionally dominating and controlling person, or perhaps we give in because we feel more comfortable not making the decisions ourselves.

If you have a problem making decisions--either with other people or alone, then any of the following factors could be a cause. Following are suggestions for improvement.

Lack of practice. You have not had much practice making important decisions alone.       To improve, start making decisions--right or wrong--to get practice. You'll never learn to do it, unless you start!

Fear of decision-making incompetence. You do not have much knowledge about the decision-area or about decision-making in general.
To improve
, learn how to make better decisions! Read, consult good decision-makers, think the problem through, get counseling, and practice. Learn a step-by-step decision-making process such as the one below:





1-Gather INFORMATION–the best available!

2-Generate and explore ALTERNATIVES.

3-List your CRITERIA and weigh pluses and minuses on    each alternative (for each criterion).

4-DECIDE–choose the alternative leading to the greatest  happiness for self and others.

5-PLAN how to do it.

6-ACTION--Just do it.

7-FEEDBACK--gather feedback about results, and revise  your plan as needed.


Fear of failure or consequences. Do you fear making bad decisions or fear the consequences of bad decisions? Do you focus too much on possible negative consequences or feel too responsible? To improve, practice, and make mistakes. Doctors make life or death decisions every day; what if they refused out of fear? Explore the underlying negative outcomes you are so afraid of. Then find a new way of looking at the situation. For example if you fear being a failure, self-acceptance may be the problem (see self-esteem Chapter 5).

Fear of criticism. Do you fear making decisions because of what others will think of you or what you will think of yourself?  To improve, if you are primarily afraid of what others will think, explore your underlying worst fears. For example, are you afraid they will fire you or leave you? Develop a plan for coping with the worst possible outcomes.

•Self-acceptance. If you are more afraid of what you will think, you have a self-acceptance problem. Do you unconditionally love yourself? Are you making happiness your ultimate concern? Or are you making status on some social ranking scale (such as income, education, position, or class) your number one concern in life? Making social ranking, a high priority creates vulnerability to other people's views of you. To Improve go to the section on the self-acceptance process.

Fear of conflict. Perhaps you have a history of unpleasant memories associated with conflict or perhaps you have little experience dealing with conflict. => In either case, you may fear shouting, name-calling, physical or psychological abuse, or rejection. To Improve: Learning  assertive conflict resolution skills will allow you to diplomatically stand up for your point of view. This assertive style minimizes the potential of aggression or manipulation. If the other person uses an aggressive style, assertiveness skills will help you deal with that style more effectively (see appendix E).

Seeking sympathy or passive control. Giving in or appearing weak, dependent, or incompetent can be rewarding. Perhaps other people feel sorry for you, feel guilty, feel protective, or feel responsible for you when you give in. Consequently, they ultimately give you what you want. To improve, try being honest with yourself and others. Remind yourself that when you act weak,  you lower your self-esteem by giving yourself subtle messages that you really are weak. You also keep yourself in a submissive role with other people and reinforce their domination.


Often, nonassertiveness is caused by a lack of confidence in our own competence, a nonassertive belief system, or a lack of control by the Higher Self. Assertion training (or other types of interpersonal conflict-resolution skills training) can help you become more confident and effective dealing with interpersonal problems, decisions, and conflicts.


Not consulting others can result from a high need for approval or insecurity. Often someone who is too externally controlled will go to the other extreme--making decisions without ever consulting other people--even when it would be wise. I used to be afraid that if I went to others for help making a decision, that I would be too influenced by them or that I was being weak by not making my own decisions.

I learned that the wisest decision-makers effectively seek other people's opinions. They consult with people who will be affected by their decisions to see what reactions those people will have. Otherwise, their decisions may have unintended consequences and are not really democratic in style. They also consult with experts or people who have been successful at the task at hand.

One of the most important lessons I learned was that getting information and advice from others is different than letting them make the decision. Other people have valuable information. When making an important decision, I seek input from others. Yet, I am the one in charge of the decision-making process, and I am the one who makes the final decision. I look at all of the alternatives and compare them on all of the relevant criteria myself. I calculate to find which alternative  I think will contribute most to my own and other people's happiness. Then, I make the decision.

LETTING NEEDY OTHERS DOMINATE YOU--Believing you are responsible for others' needs and feelings

Many people who think of themselves as independent are actually being dominated without knowing it. They are being dominated by people they think are too needy to take care of themselves. Others may try to tell them that they are sacrificing too much for the needy people, but they will not listen.

They have some underlying belief or need that is too strong to allow them to let go of being responsible for these needy others. They may be convinced that they have a powerful duty to take care of them. They may base this duty on religious beliefs, on being a close relative, or on being the only person that can be depended upon. Or, they may get some hidden reinforcement for taking care of the other person--such as companionship or approval. Occasionally, they may foster dependence so that the needy person will become so dependent on them that he or she will never leave them. Are you being dominated by a dependent person--in at least one relationship?


The Codependence Trap--"I take care of your feelings and you take care of mine.” Melodie Beattie, in her book Codependent No More, describes the dynamics of codependent relationships and their relationship to addictive behaviors. In most cases there is a "responsible" party who takes care of family needs such as work, finances, and relationships, and there is an "irresponsible" party, who has a serious addiction or other problem. These addictions can be to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or even work.

      One of the hallmarks of codependent relationships is a shared belief system that people should take care of each other's needs and feelings. However, if we are responsible for each other's needs and feelings, then the implication is that we are not responsible for our own needs and feelings. This is the codependent script, "I take care of your feelings and you take care of mine (because we cannot--or should not--take care of our own)."

No wonder that both parties in a codependent relationship tend to be irresponsible for some of their own needs and feelings. It is usually obvious that the irresponsible party is not responsible in areas such as substance abuse, work, finances, honesty, or abusive behavior. What may not be so obvious is that the responsible parties may not be responsible for taking care of their own happiness. They make their happiness dependent upon reforming the irresponsible party.      

For example, consider a woman I met whose son had had a serious drug problem. He also could not keep a job and was failing in college. She was more worried about his drugs, school, and finances than he was. This is another symptom of codependence. She was the one who was taking responsibility for his drugs, school, and money--not him. Since she was taking responsibility for his drinking--why should he?

She repeatedly threatened to make him move out unless he stopped using drugs and started making progress in college or got a job. However, she never fulfilled her threats. She loved him and was terrified that he might end up in prison, dead of a drug overdose, or homeless if she did not keep supplying him with money, food, and a home. He knew that he didn't have to worry about these terrible consequences, because his mom was so worried about them.

She believed that it was her responsibility to make sure none of these consequences happened. She did not understand that most addicts have to hit bottom before they really begin to take responsibility for their behavior and begin the road to recovery.

She worried about keeping his stress low so that he would not get too upset and take drugs. By taking this responsibility for his feelings, she protected him from the natural consequences of his behavior. In that way, she actually encouraged him to keep taking drugs and to keep failing in his career.

Eventually, she was given an outstanding job offer, which meant moving to the Netherlands. It was also an opportunity to escape this mess. Her son was 20 years old and she decided to give up and let him be responsible for himself. She informed him of her decision, left him with some money, and moved to Holland.

She did not hear from him for three years. She came back to visit and found him. He was off drugs, was supporting himself, and was succeeding in college. He told her that the best thing she ever did for him was to go to the Netherlands. He said that at first he was in a state of shock. He realized that she was no longer there to take care of him. He knew that he had to start taking care of himself or he would be on the streets--or dead. He joined Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous and began his recovery.

An interesting addition to this story is that through the entire relationship, the mother had also been depending upon her son to take care of her social needs. She was shy and hadn't had much social life since her divorce. She had become socially dependent upon her son's companionship. She hated to admit it, but she was allowing him to be responsible for her social needs in ways that were similar to how she was being responsible for his drugs and career.

She covered up her loneliness and rather dull existence by a work addiction that helped her avoid feelings of loneliness and depression in her personal life. Once she went to Europe and lived alone, she couldn’t depend on her son for companionship. She took responsibility for her own social and personal life.

To summarize, both mother and son were living by the same life script that included taking responsibility for the other--while avoiding responsibility for themselves. Each used addictive behaviors to cover up the resultant bad feelings. The solution was for each to take primary responsibility for their own needs and feelings.












Do you give others the CONTROL BOX to your EMOTIONS?

YES, if you assume you are responsible for their feelings--

or if you assume they are responsible for yours.


How do you know if you are in a codependent relationship? Be alert for manipulation or domination by the needy whenever you habitually sacrifice your own happiness for another person's. Ask yourself whether you or the other person is doing any of the following.

Being dishonest, giving double messages, or hiding the truth?

Protecting some addiction, weakness, or other bad habit?

Protecting the other person from facing natural consequences of their bad habits?  Are you (or the other) in effect contributing to the maintenance of their bad habits?

Not finding some other way to meet their needs because the bad habit (or your help) is easier? Consider this question carefully, since they may have fooled you into believing they are incapable of caring for their own basic needs.

Are you more worried about them than they are worried about themselves? This is the ultimate test of who is taking the most responsibility for their welfare. If it is you, then it is time for a change!

A "Yes" answer to any of the questions above is a sign of manipulation or codependence--whether either party intends codependency or not.


Good parenting teaches children to be independent--not codependent. A client came in very upset about her relationship with her mother. Her mother was alone and lonely. My client believed that "Mom is miserable if I don't visit her." Her mom wanted her to visit her many hours each week. Yet my client was working half-time, was a full-time student, and was in a relationship. She felt extremely guilty about not spending more time with her mom and felt she owed it to her because mom had done so much for her. Out of guilt, she spent much more time than she could afford with her mother.

Yet, still, her mom would say, "Do you care about what happens to me?" "I'm so lonely when you're not here.” "I'm too old to try to make new friends." "I want to be with my family, and you're the only family I have."

How would you feel, if your mother said that to you? My client felt guilty and responsible for her mother's happiness. Yet, her mother's requests for attention seemed like a bottomless pit. She could never satisfy mom. What could she do to quit feeling so guilty?

The problem was in the beliefs--or script--shared by mother and daughter. The codependent script was, "Parents raise their children, then the children are obligated to take care of their parents--at least socially." On the other hand, an independence script says, "Good parents facilitate their children's development into healthy adulthood. They facilitate their children's journey toward self-actualization and toward a happy, independent life. The children owe their parents little but to pass this freedom to the next generation."

Dysfunctional parents train their children to be dependent and enmeshed in family matters indefinitely. Family life becomes a quagmire of quicksand from which children can never escape and lead independent lives. These parents train their children to take care of the parents' needs--not their children's own needs. Ironically, these parents often call their children selfish when their children want to become independent. Yet, it is the parents who constantly use their children to take care of their own needs--at the expense of the children--who are being selfish.

More functional parents give the gift of independence and happiness to their children. My client's mother believed that children have an obligation to take care of their parents and passed that codependence script to my client. Belief in that obligation was the underlying cause of my client's guilt feelings. It was her own belief--not her mother’s--that was now her problem.

According to my client's new independence script, her mom was unhappy and it was primarily her mom's responsibility to take care of her own happiness. In fact, mom had many options for developing new interests and friends so that she wouldn't be so bored and lonely. That was her responsibility--not her daughters. Yet, she chose not to do any of those things, because it was more comfortable to call her daughter. Why should her daughter suffer for her mother's choices by constantly feeling guilty and being at her beck and call?

Once she strengthened her new beliefs and discussed her beliefs with her mother, she felt less guilty. She quit responding to her mother's needy, controlling comments. She spent time with her mother when she really wanted to. Her mother also began to understand my client's point of view better and became less demanding. She began to feel closer and more loving toward her mother, because she was less plagued by guilt and manipulation.


Do not take primary responsibility for anyone but yourself. Saying, "Everyone is primarily responsible for their own self and own feelings" does not mean that we are not responsible for caring about others or for helping them. It means giving them primary responsibility for their own happiness and not sacrificing too much of our own happiness to protect them from the consequences of their choices.

PRACTICE: Examine possible codependent relationships.

1-Identify any relationships you have that might be codependent. If you feel guilt or responsibility for another, protect them, or take care of them, compare the dynamics to those you have just read about.

2-Underlying Beliefs and Scripts. What is the underlying script and your underlying beliefs related to your duty or responsibility? What dependencies, weaknesses, or inadequacies do they have which seem to keep you hooked? What would happen if you gave them responsibility and let them take the consequences? Think it through, consult with an expert, read Codependent No More, devise a plan, and try it!

3-Make two lists--"What I can think and do to give them more freedom to be responsible for selves and take consequences for own choices" and "What I can do to take more responsibility for my own happiness (especially where I have been dependent on them)."


We have just examined cases where the focus was on our taking care of others. Now I will reverse the focus. What are ways that you are not taking care of yourself and are depending upon others to do it for you? In both cases, the underlying script supports external control--one person takes primary responsibility for another.

Take charge of life areas where you are too dependent upon others. We may feel low self-confidence or feel helpless to provide for ourselves in certain life areas. We may depend almost totally on one or more people to take over that area of our lives.

In return, we may covertly agree to give them control over that area; we let them do all of the thinking, decision-making, and planning. One problem is that if they take control, we may never get involved, motivated, or competent in that area. Continued low knowledge of an area can increase our dependence and external control and keep us under their thumb indefinitely.

People can become too dependent upon another to meet any kind of need. Check each of the following to see if you have become too dependent in any area.

love    attention    play           comfort     emotional support

sex      money       household chores          planning social events

career guidance      paying bills                   car repair or fixing things

place to live           social contacts              transportation


Taking care of yourself in each area means questioning your expectation that others should provide you with what you need. In the future, you will expect primarily yourself to take care of that need area. Taking care of at least your minimal needs yourself will increase your self-confidence and independence. You will quit being so needy, dependent, and demanding in that need area. You will have no need to get hooked into unhappy relationships just because that person takes responsibility for some area (where you feel helpless and dependent). One client said, "I can't believe how long I stayed in that miserable marriage just because I was afraid to support myself and to get the car fixed. If I'd known how happy I'd be, I'd left years ago."

Spreading your dependencies. One additional way to prevent being too dependent on any one particular person is to make sure that we have a network of people. This network can assist us as we provide for ourselves. George Kelly called this strategy "spreading our dependencies.” If we are dependent upon a variety of people, then we are unlikely to let any one person get too much control.

If dependence is a problem, break the pattern of dependence to get more internal control. Spending more time away from the family, getting involved in activities outside the family, making new friends, and advancing your education and career can help.

Becoming more independent of those who overly influence your thinking and important beliefs is especially important to gain more internal control. Expose yourself to points of view and ideas that are different. Identify beliefs that you suspect are dysfunctional and foster dependence. Find healthier ways of thinking from good role models, counseling, groups, and self-help books.


PRACTICE: Check your dependencies in each life area. 1-Self-test: How dependent are you on other people for meeting your needs? How much do you expect other people to make you feel good? Check each life area and each important relationship--especially with family members.

2-Alternatives: Think of new ways that you can start taking responsibility for yourself in those areas. What would be the costs to you (such as rejection, financial, extra effort, social risks, or career)? What would be the gains for increased independence (such as self-esteem, growth, freedom, new opportunities)?

3-Plan: List (and display) new self-commitments to increase independence.

"I SHOULD" versus "I WANT"

Do you keep "musterbating" or "shoulding” all over yourself? Normally, we use the words "should" and "must" to mean that some part of us is committed to following some rule or set of rules. If we follow the rule, we feel good and if we break it, we feel guilty. Rules in themselves are neither good nor bad. We all have rules we live by. However, problems occur when two rules conflict and we obey a less important rule over a more important one.

Two sisters--Suzy and Eileen--illustrate this dynamic well. Their father was a minister who lived by an extensive set of narrow rules (like the apostle Paul when he was a Pharisee) instead of living by empathy and love. The mother shared these rules and was as rule-bound as her husband. The parents taught both daughters this intricate set of rules about how to be a good Christian.

In fact, neither daughter really strongly believed in the rules, or strongly felt that they were beneficial for their own happiness. As adults, both sisters thought many of the rules made no sense. However, their parents’ love, acceptance, financial help, and praise depended upon how well they obeyed these rules.

Eileen chose to conform to her parents’ expectations and to her internal parent that represented those rules. As a result, her parents were moderately happy with her. Her parents gave her lots of financial assistance and were usually pleasant to her. However, she still felt guilty, because she still fell short of meeting their expectations perfectly, and sometimes the rubbed it in.

While Eileen was glad to receive parental benefits, inside she felt a great conflict and was often depressed. She felt that she could never live the life that she wanted. She felt trapped and helpless. She felt extremely dependent upon her parents and her self-esteem was low.

On the other hand, Suzy chose to rebel from the parental rules. As a teenager, she went wild--drinking, partying, and breaking her parents' rules. As a result, her parents practically disowned her. They openly ridiculed her, cut off financial help, and told her she was "evil" and "going to hell." Inside, part of Suzy felt happy that she could go her own way in life. She didn't feel trapped like her sister, and developed a lot of self-reliance from supporting herself and surviving on her own. However, another part felt tremendous guilt, because it still believed her parents’ rules. Also, Suzy still wanted to receive her parents' acceptance, praise, and respect. She was torn by inner conflict.

Both sisters shoulded all over themselves constantly. Eileen obeyed the shoulds and felt little guilt. However, she denied other parts of herself begging for expression. Her playful, sexual, creative, and even professional interests were blocked, because they collided with parental rules. Repressing these playful parts of herself caused her depression and feelings of helplessness. On the other hand, Suzy didn't follow the rules, and felt guilty as a result--constantly being haunted by messages from her internalized parents, "I'm a bad person, and I'm going to go to hell."

What is the solution for these two sisters? Neither following the rules nor breaking them worked. They are "damned if they do and damned if they don't." First, they can commit themselves to some new higher rules--the ultimate concerns of happiness and love. Second, reexamine the old rules from the perspective of the new ultimate concern. Each time an old rule or should pops into mind, they could ask themselves, "What will maximize happiness for self and others--following this rule or some new action?” Ask yourself, "What do I really want to do?" given my new philosophy.


Your Higher Self produces “wants” not “shoulds.” When we feel shoulds, the rule-source parts are demanding we follow the rules. On the other hand, if the executive self becomes convinced that the should is important to our happiness, then we suddenly feel like we want to do it. The inner conflict disappears. Our shoulds usually come from internalized parents or other belief systems that we have not integrated into our Higher Self.

To the degree that these internalized belief systems are not integrated with higher parts of ourselves, we may experience painful conflicts between shoulds and wants. These conflicts can become so awful that we rarely enjoy anything. Like Suzy, if we choose a want activity, our guilt undermines our fun; or like Eileen, if we choose a should, resentment or depression take over.


Converting a "should" into a "want." Learning how to convert a should into something meaningful, interesting, or fun is a skill that can help reduce conflicts between shoulds and wants. An important part of converting a should into a want is focusing on the subpart that really wants to do it. Just ask yourself, "Does some part of me really want this?" If so, get in touch with its beliefs, goals, and desires. Let it talk to your executive self and try to persuade it--not coerce it with shoulds. The best arguments are (1) that it will eventually be satisfied and (2) that it can contribute to your overall happiness and the happiness of others.


As soon as you see a direct connection between an action and

becoming happier, you automatically want to do it.


One way to convert a should into a want is to make it more interesting and fun. If it is boring, make it more challenging. Make a game of it or set higher goals. Get more personally involved. If it is too difficult or stressful, try simplifying it. The harmonious functioning chapters explain many ways to get into the zone and to turn unpleasant situations into interesting ones. Again, we can find many routes to happiness even in the most boring or stressful situations.




Why do some people become independent and internally controlled while others become overly dependent and externally controlled? A newborn baby is dependent upon its parents for almost everything--food, shelter, love, and all types of care. Its parents have a great deal of control over the newborn's world. It doesn't take long for the child to realize how important its parents are. The child's belief in external control is rooted in its actual dependence upon others to meet its basic needs and values.

Even as adults we are dependent upon many others to satisfy our values. We are partly dependent upon hundreds of people just to supply our groceries. Yet, if adults are left alone, most have adequate resources to get food. On the other hand, if infants were left alone, they would starve. Beliefs in dependence are often reality based.

      However, beliefs in dependence may be exaggerated. For example, many teenagers (or even adults) believe they are still dependent upon their parents for food and money.


External control beliefs undermine self-confidence and independence. There is an important difference between teenagers and infants. Teenagers could obtain food if they were suddenly forced to be independent. Teenagers can get jobs or even get food from trash cans if necessary. Quite a few of my clients left home as teenagers, successfully supported themselves, and consequently become wise beyond their years. Therefore, in fact, teenagers choose to depend upon their parents.

In most cases, getting food is not really what dependent teenagers or dependent adults are worried about. They are worried about their standard of living. They want to live as they are accustomed--that is natural. However, it makes the choice for independence difficult. Consequently, many choose to remain dependent, because they would rather have a high standard of living than independence. They don't realize they can learn to be happy with less money. They don't appreciate the value of independence and self-sufficiency--yet. One client said, "I'm much happier being free--even working so hard. The stuff my parents bought for me wasn't worth being under their thumb."

If people do not realize that they have the power to take care of themselves, but are choosing to remain dependent upon others, then they will feel weak and dependent. Parents often reinforce dependency by being overprotective, by being too critical, or by undermining their children's self-confidence. Stressing obedience, authority, and conformity also reinforce external control and dependence.


Believing we can take care of ourselves creates independence. Parents who stress internal control and independence give their children more responsibility. They let their children take the positive and negative consequences of their actions with less interference.

Their children learn how to control their own lives without going to their parents. They know that they are not dependent upon their parents; they can take care of themselves.

Getting more responsibility also helps children learn important life skills. Hence, they become more competent making decisions, planning, managing time, working, managing money, and relating to others. These life skills not only boost their confidence, but give them more internal resources that will help them stay independent.

If you want to increase your internal control, then it is also important to take more responsibility for your own life and emotions. It means you have to do for yourself what you have been hoping others would do for you.


If your parents have taught you to be externally controlled and dependent,

be your own good parent--

give yourself independence, responsibility, the opportunities

to learn new skills, and the encouragement to keep trying!



One of my clients in her late 40's was having intense conflicts and felt guilty because she knew her mother would disapprove of her lifestyle. The interesting fact is that her mother had been dead for more than10 years.

It was not her real mother that kept haunting her, but her internalized mother. An image of her mother waiving her finger and yelling at her often popped into her head. She said, “Mom may be dead, but she’s alive and well in my head.”


We often confuse our thoughts about what people will think or do

with what they actually think or do.

Our thoughts about what others will think or do

have a much greater effect on our emotions

than what others actually think or do.

Therefore, solving problems or conflicts with others

is often more an internal problem than an external problem.


If you drive the right car, wear the right jeans and tennis shoes, use the right perfume, keep yourself slim, and maintain the right image, then you have "it." "It" means that everyone will like you, members from the opposite sex will fight over you, and you will probably become rich and famous. This in turn must be the ultimate route to happiness. That message is pounded into us every time we read the morning paper, look at a billboard, turn on the TV, or pick up a magazine.

How many of your peers' beliefs--and yours--have been conditioned by advertising executives trying to sell their products? How often do you notice the dysfunctional contents of their messages and challenge them? Mentally challenging these messages establishes internal control over your tastes and beliefs.


Social rules such as laws and etiquette. We are taught to obey rules about what to eat and what to eat with, about when to get up and when to go to bed, about how to look at a member of the opposite sex and how not to, about how to drive and what is "in" to drive. These rules include the law and rules of etiquette. They come from the government, our families, and our peer groups. We may conform to these social norms or not. If we do not, these groups may punish us. Their punishment can range from mild rebukes and sarcasm to physical harm, imprisonment, and ostracism.

We have seen how people can become rule-bound--by making these rules ends in themselves and interpreting them rigidly. The alternative is to view social rules as having value only to the degree that they contribute to people's happiness.

Emily Post, the original guru of American etiquette, once said that the ultimate rule of etiquette was whatever best met human needs; any other rule should be broken if it conflicted with that higher rule. Whenever we use our ultimate concern of overall happiness as our guiding principle, then we are being internally controlled–not rule-bound.


Reference group is a useful concept for understanding external sources of control (Sherif & Sherif, 1964). Our reference groups are any groups that we identify with or see as important for meeting our values and needs. The group can be as small as two people or it can be as large as all humanity. It can be an informal group such as our family or friends or it can be a formal group such as a club or place of employment.

We become dependent upon our reference groups to meet important values--social values for acceptance, companionship, and social activities; career and financial values; and even personal values for guidance and feedback relevant to our self-image. Social psychologists have found that our reference groups can have powerful influences upon our beliefs, values, life themes, and self-esteem.

While our reference groups provide many benefits, they also have rules and place demands on us to conform to their values and rules. At times their demands may conflict with the demands of other reference groups. These conflicting demands (between work and family, family and peers, or children and work) can create a great deal of inner conflict. The groups can also conflict with our own personal values such as our values for privacy, play, and even health.

The externally controlled person will be more affected by these demands from their reference groups. They will feel more inner conflict as the varying groups conflict with each other. The internally controlled person will almost always take the demands of a reference group less seriously than the externally controlled person. They know that their internal standards and values come first--even if that value is to contribute to other people's happiness. Internally controlled people know that they are the ones who will make the final decisions. They are not just responding to outside pressures.




• Family

• Peer group(s)     

• Work group

• Church or social organization

• Team or recreational group

• Interest group

• Cultural or ethnic group

• Ideological group or imagined group (e.g. writers, engineers, democrats, spiritualists, etc.)



(1) have beliefs, rules, and sanctions;

(2) are powerful influences and sources of identity;

(3) become internalized mental models (e.g. mental model of family);

(4) cause inner conflict & anxiety when they conflict with each other or with other important values.


PRACTICE: Identify your reference groups and other sources of external influence. (1) Who are the most important groups in your life? Who are the most important individuals? (2) For each, consider how much they influence you and how positive that influence is. How much do they affect your overall happiness and growth? Do they support or inhibit your becoming more the person you want to be? (3) Make conscious choices to reduce the influence of negative individuals and reference groups and seek out new reference groups that can help you be who you want. List at new reference groups you would like to get more information about.


BELIEFS SWALLOWED WHOLE (without critical examination and modification)

Parents tell their child that this barking, four-legged creature is a "DOG," and the child assumes that this creature is a "dog." This is the truth with a capital "T"--no question about it. The same parents tell their child that people from a particular ethnic group are lazy, and the child believes that statement with the same conviction.

During childhood, we developed elaborate belief systems that we largely swallowed whole. These belief systems may come from our parents, church, or other major influences. Any such belief system can become a powerful subpart of ourselves.

We need to be careful about giving away our own power to these internalized belief systems. I once saw a bumper sticker that said "QUESTION AUTHORITY." Questioning is not the same as disagreeing (or agreeing). Questioning means we are trying to understand what is meant and examine the message from a variety of relevant views.

The California State University system--the largest in the world--has decided that critical thinking is such an important mental skill that they require that all students must complete a course in critical thinking as a basic requirement for a bachelor's degree. If we do not learn to critically examine information we receive from the media, authorities, friends, and everyone else, then we will often be duped into believing things that make no sense--or inhibit our happiness.

What do we do when we discover a subpart containing dysfunctional beliefs? We can use the self-exploration method to expose those dysfunctional beliefs. Then we can use our more trusted parts to question those old beliefs--replacing them with more constructive and more accurate beliefs.


We have explored several examples where people have used criticism, name-calling, and pressure to foster dependence. Often the recipient of the negative messages is kept off-balance by doubting their own competence or self-esteem. Being uncertain and anxious keeps them feeling weak, and makes them more vulnerable to manipulation. [Suggested responses to negative manipulation are summarized in later in this chapter.]

Has it ever occurred to you that even compliments and supportive statements can sometimes be a source of external control? For example, self-beliefs such as being a nice guy, responsible, caring, committed, or a Christian can be used by other people (or our internalized parent) to get us to do what they want. I once read an introduction to a humorous book that was supposed to have been written by the author's mother. It went something like this,


My son wrote this book and asked me to read it. I am sure that if my son wrote it, it must be a wonderful book. I don't know. I haven't had time to read it because I have been so busy lately without anyone to help me. My son is such a wonderful caring person and loving son. I am sure that since he has finally finished this book he will again have some time for his sick mother who misses him very much and needs whatever help he has time to give around the house. I hope that you will all buy my son's book.


This is a humorous example of manipulation. The mother compliments her son so that he will enjoy the compliments and increase his dependence upon them. The subtle threat by the mother is, "if you don't do what I say and spend enough time with me, then I will withdraw the compliments." So the mother uses the compliment as a reward and its withdrawal as a punishment. This example of motherly control is a blatant example of what happens to many people. If this ever happens to you try some of the following suggestions:



  Dealing with Manipulation by Positive and Negative Labels





• Focus on your emotional reaction. First, notice your ego boost, guilt or other emotions.

• Self-explore to find the self-image issue. Self-explore what you are feeling so good or guilty about--such as being a caring person or being selfish. How does this support or conflict with your ideal self-image? Is it more important how others view you or how you view yourself? If so, evaluate yourself using your own standards. Also, seek opinions from those whom you respect more.

• Work on accepting (potential) negative comments. Go to the section on self-acceptance in the self-worth chapter.

• What does the other person really want from you? Explore what the other person really wants from you. Ask yourself, "Is this person complimenting or criticizing me honestly, or doing it just to persuade me to do what he or she wants?” The latter is manipulation.

• Break their game with honesty. Going along with what they say without acknowledging the manipulative aspect of the compliment is not going to cause them to think more highly of you--on the contrary--they will only think that you are gullible or nonassertive.

   What if a friend gives you a manipulative compliment such as, "You're such a great guy, would you mind doing XX for me?” Try responding with, "Ok, since I am such a great guy, I will do XX for you." In that way you are agreeing to do whatever they want--which you would do anyway. However, you are also subtly and humorously telling the person that you know that his or her compliment is for the purpose of getting you to do what he or she wants.

   If you don't want to do what they are asking, you can point out the nature of the manipulation by saying, "Well, I guess you won't think I'm such a great guy after this, but I'd rather not do XX for you because . . ."






Where do we turn to increase our internal control? Using internally controlled people as sources of insight and support can be enlightening. However, the primarily way to get more internal control is by looking inward. Become more aware of internal parts of yourself that will lead you toward happiness and develop them. What are some of these important parts that can help you get more internal control?


Our own needs, values, pleasures, and pains are powerful sources of internal control. No matter how passive we may be, if we get hungry enough, sleepy enough, or sick enough we become persistent to get that need met. These internal stimuli give strong internal messages that are hard to ignore.

If we love ourselves, we will listen carefully to these internal signals and give them priority. We will be less vulnerable to external control. Have you ever had to go to the bathroom when someone was talking on and on? Why wait until you are about to have an accident before excusing yourself? Listen to your inner signals while they are still weak--don't wait for a crisis to be assertive. Recall that example whenever you are tempted to ignore any important internal message.


To focus inward constantly would cause self-centeredness and unawareness of other people's feelings. If you have been too externally controlled, you may have a big fear of being too selfish or too self-centered. You may worry how you can balance attending to your own desires with attending to the desires of others.


Balancing external and internal needs with a strong Higher Self

One way to resolve the conflict between being too internally focused and too externally focused is to take turns between listening internally and listening externally. By having a strong set of internal rules for deciding when to listen internally and when to listen externally, we are actually establishing strong internal control.


The Higher Self can act like a filter. More externally controlled people tend to lock on to others' words--which take almost hypnotic control of their thoughts, feelings, and actions. They infrequently question what others said or judge it by their own beliefs.

An empowered Higher Self can control the external versus internal focus, because it is the seat of our strongest love and empathy. The more developed the Higher Self becomes, the more it will exert good judgment about when to focus inward and when to focus outward. Some of the issues you need to consider follow.


•The Higher Self's ultimate concern is truth and happiness. Both your own and others' happiness is important, but you can only directly control your own.

•Recognize that you can make yourself happy and do not need other's approval, control, or support. Others' approval and support is a bonus.

•Balance between immediate and long-term happiness

•Balance between different values and subparts of yourself and between different life areas.

•Let the Higher Self act as a mediator to resolve deeper internal conflicts.

•Learn to use gentle persuasion instead of coercion, force, and negative self-talk for self-motivation. Focus on creating "I wants" instead of "I shoulds."


Knowledge and self-confidence increase internal control. One type of dependence on others is information dependence. Even the most internally controlled people can't function well without adequate knowledge. More internally controlled people know that knowledge helps establish internal control. Externally controlled people may be more concerned about what other people think than becoming competent. Instead, learn all you can, so that you can become more independent and self-sufficient.


YOUR OTHER SUBPARTS (roles, interests, knowledge areas, etc.)

We have developed many subparts that represent different activities, roles, and sets of beliefs. The parts of me that love to play tennis, listen to music, watch mysteries, go for nature walks, read, theorize, or converse all love what they do. Each has a strong voice that my Higher Self listens to.


As an inner part grows, its voice gets louder. When I first began to play tennis, my inner tennis player was an unskilled and underdeveloped part of myself. It spoke softly and carried a little stick. I didn't care much whether I played or not. However, like all interests, it grew as I attained more knowledge and positive experiences until it became a powerful part of me. Now I feel starved if I go an entire week without tennis.

My inner psychologist grew in a similar way. It is no accident that people who have few well-developed interests are more susceptible to external control. Highly-developed interests provide inner power and direction. Someone without interests is left rudderless to be taken by the strongest current.


PRACTICE: List your strongest sources of internal control. What parts of yourself (including Higher Self, values, interests, roles, themes, or other parts) help provide you with strong values, goals, and plans to give you positive inner direction? Be as clear and specific as possible. Which are you the most likely to be assertive about in the face of conflict with others? Which do you want the most to strengthen?





I have addressed many individual factors such as low self-worth and low decision-making experience that trap people in external control. Suggestions were given for increasing internal control for each of these factors.

In the remaining part of the chapter I will suggest additional methods for overcoming external control. The first set of methods focuses on overcoming internal barriers to internal control such as belief systems, fears, and thought habits. The second set focuses on external barriers to internal control such as other people's manipulation. The first set focuses on what we tell ourselves and the second set focuses on what we tell other people.

In both cases we are attempting to become more internally controlled in a way that shows empathy and love of self balanced with empathy and love of others. Actively seeking this balance of caring is being assertive--seeking win--win solutions to problems. It contrasts first with nonassertive–not adequately taking care of one’s own needs–I lose, you win. Non-assertion results in passive, dependent behavior. Assertiveness also contrasts with being aggressive–seeking one’s own goals without adequate consideration of others’ needs–I win, you lose. Aggression results in dominating, manipulative behavior.


Before exploring additional methods of overcoming internal barriers, I will summarize the internal barriers we have discussed so far. I will also describe some of the reinforcers that strengthen these internal barriers to internal control.


Beliefs and other internal states supporting external control. The following list summarizes many of the beliefs, fears, and other internal states (discussed previously) that tend to increase external control and decrease internal control.

• Valuing others opinions, beliefs, approval, expectations, and judgment more than your own.

• Believing that you must have others approval and acceptance (for survival, happiness, etc). Making acceptance by your family or others more important than your own happiness.

• Believing that your individual happiness is selfish, immoral, or not important.

• Low self-worth (low unconditional valuing of self)--a weak Higher Self.

• Low self-confidence or low competence in some life area or task.

• Fear of being alone.

• Fear of not being able to take care of yourself adequately (or make yourself happy).

• Choosing to be too dependent (example: financially, emotionally) on someone.

• Allowing your opinion of yourself to be based on a public opinion poll.

• Fearing some awful truth about yourself.

• Being terrified of disapproval or rejection.

• Being in codependent relationships (because you believe people are primarily responsible for others--not themselves).

• Letting obedience or rebellion to rules become too important.

• Letting internalized parents, peer groups, or media ideas become too powerful.

• Beliefs in obedience, passivity, and nonassertiveness. We may believe that we should not question authority, should do what we are told, should not have any kind of conflict, or should always put others' desires above our own. Beliefs such as these support external control. We may have swallowed whole entire belief systems supporting external control. These are now important subparts of ourselves.


Advantages (reinforcers) of external control. Underlying beliefs that support external control are not the only factors that promote external control. Another factor is reinforcement. Hundreds of research studies have demonstrated that reinforcement is a powerful motivator. These reinforcers can trap us into external control indefinitely. However, what could be reinforcing about giving up control of our lives to others? Following are some common factors why people get trapped in external control.

• Avoidance. We may believe that allowing others to direct us lets us avoid responsibility for decisions, avoid failure, avoid conflict, avoid rejection, avoid doing what we don't like, avoid taking risks, or avoid work.

• Social rewards. There can be social rewards of others believing that we are nice, agreeable, weak, or even incompetent. The weaker we are viewed, the more some people will take care of us and do things for us (that we don't want to do for ourselves). However, the cost can be high--giving up our freedom and happiness.

• Underdeveloped sources of internal control. Our more positive sources of internal control may be underdeveloped. Developing our competencies may require time, effort, and money. Remaining dependent on others may seem easier or safer.


Disarming dysfunctional reinforcers. These advantages or reinforcers are only reinforcing to those who believe that they are advantages. Avoidance behaviors and dysfunctional social rewards usually cause so much long-term damage that they are not worth the short-term benefits. Once someone gains that insight, avoidance stops being so reinforcing. Insight helps short-circuit dysfunctional reinforcement.

Similarly, once we understand the long-term benefits of developing competencies and becoming more self-reliant, then we may become more tolerant of the short-term disadvantages. Following are additional methods we can use to get more control over these internal subparts that make us so vulnerable to external control.


When I feel guilt, it could be that my inner parent is sending a message. When my inner parent says I should or must, my inner child may rebel and feel like doing the opposite. The result is deadlock--no action.

Instead, I let my Higher Self listen to all inner points of view including my inner child and any other inner subparts that have something to say. I take the needed time to have a dialogue between the inner parts until some resolution is reached. I won't allow one inner part to bully or name-call (selfish, childish) another inner part and get its way. It’s a lot like marriage counseling.

We have already examined ways of responding to internalized parents (or other external control belief systems) by methods such as converting shoulds to wants. However, if this has been a long-term problem, and self-help efforts are not working, then I strongly recommend you seek the help of a competent mental health professional who has a positive philosophy. If you are still not making adequate progress after a few sessions, discuss it with your therapist. If that does not help, then find another therapist.


Avoidance Behavior--avoiding negative consequences--is one of the primary reinforcers of allowing external control. Letting others make decisions and take responsibility for a situation may be easier than facing the situation and taking responsibility for it ourselves. The situations we are avoiding could be rejection, conflict, being alone, work, being wrong, failing, being criticized, or any situation which leads to unhappy emotions such as guilt, anxiety, or boredom.

I don't know anyone who really enjoys rejection or anxiety. Nothing is wrong with wanting to avoid unpleasant situations. Avoiding an unpleasant situation is only a problem if facing the unpleasant situation is necessary to accomplish an important goal--such as saving a relationship, getting a job, finishing a class, or fighting cancer.


Face fears and unpleasant situations to establish self-confidence and independence. We may have built a huge set of avoidance habits that keep us from facing problems we need to solve to be happy. External control beliefs give us a rationale for avoiding unpleasant situations. They provide good excuses for avoiding responsibility and tough situations.

Giving an excuse means that we are being dishonest with ourselves or someone else. It is dishonest because the real reason we are making the choice is not the reason we are giving.

Many of these excuses are socially acceptable. We tell people that we are too busy to stop by, not that we are bored with talking to them. We don't call in to the office and say, "I won't be in today because I don't feel like going to work and would rather play.” Instead we may call in "sick."

These socially acceptable excuses are not so dysfunctional, because they may add more happiness than then they subtract. Nevertheless, we are still paying the internal price of dishonesty and of knowing we are not secure enough to face the consequences of telling our boss the truth. At least--in this case--we are being honest with ourselves.

However, in cases when we lie to ourselves, the results are much more dysfunctional. When we avoid job responsibilities, shyness, problems with loved ones, finances, illness, or alcoholism and give ourselves dishonest reasons, then these excuses tend to perpetuate dysftygunctional habits and undermine control by our entire executive self system. In essence, we become a slave to our habits--operating more like laboratory rats than thoughtful humans.


Blindly following rules (or shoulds') is also dysfunctional. Blindly following rules--just because they are rules--is often similar to making excuses for what we do. Blindly following rules shifts the responsibility to the rule source instead of making our conscious decisions by higher values. We do it because we should without ever questioning if it is beneficial to self and others (our ultimate concern).

We may blindly follow the rule to avoid making an independent decision and facing the consequences (of rejection, guilt, or other penalties imposed by the rule-makers).


Eliminate excuses (and shoulds). If you are tired of making excuses (or avoiding independent decisions), use the following steps.


Step 1:  Observe and understand your own motives, excuses, and shoulds. Check to see if you are making excuses instead of facing your real motives. Or, are you blindly following rules (that might conflict with you highest values and goals).

Most excuses have the following characteristics:

•They shift responsibility from internal to external sources.

•They help you avoid a behavior or situation you dread. (A situation with negative consequences or that feels bad when you think about it).

•They protect you from facing the real reasons why you are making the choice you are making: they are dishonest.

•They give you a subtle message that you are weak and helpless, and lower your self-esteem.

Step 2:  Take RESPONSIBILITY for your own behavior and HAPPINESS.

•Face the truth and acknowledge excuses and blind rule-following.

•Examine your real motivation. What behaviors, situations, or consequences are you avoiding? What are your underlying fears or anxieties about? Use the self-exploration method to find them and deal with them.

•Take control of the situation--make a conscious choice! First, seek a full understanding of the different values that will be affected by the choice. Weigh the immediate benefits of avoidance against the long-range benefits of facing the situation. Last, try my final decision test.


My final decision test (ultimate concern) is,

"Which alternative will maximize my own and other people's happiness?"

Focusing on my own choices and their consequences

gives me more internal control and gives me a positive message,

"I am in control of my own life and happiness."


When we let difficult situations, sources of external control, or excuses dominate us, we lower self-esteem. When we face difficulties and actively make hard choices that are based on our Higher Selves, we boost self-esteem.


Following are some common examples of excuses to avoid negative consequences. These examples illustrate how we tend to give external control to others and give ourselves subtle "I am weak" messages--undermining our self-esteem and preventing us from reaching other goals. If one applies to you, try the internal control option instead.

"I'm powerless" versus "I have some power." "I can't do x..., so I will give up." versus "I may not be able to do x..., but I will...learn to do x, or do the best I can in the situation.

"I can't" versus "I don't want to." You may say, "I can't do this" to yourself or others when you just don't want to do it. ("It" could be math, cooking, a sport, talking to someone, etc.) Yet you may think that you "should" do it, so you say, "I can't" because "I can't" is more acceptable than "I don't want to." Perhaps you would rather the other person think that you "can't" than think that you "don't want to.” Or, perhaps you would rather think of yourself as "I can't do it" than think of yourself as lazy, disinterested, or irresponsible.

You don't need to call yourself “lazy” or to hide your real motives from yourself. It is much more productive to explore why you honestly don't want to do something. Understanding why you don't want to do it gives you a stronger sense of self-control than believing that "I can't motivate myself."

After self-exploration, if you still don't want to do it, then you can assertively state, "I choose not to do it." Inside, you will feel more self-control, because you will understand your real motives for making the choice. Outside, people may get upset; but they will eventually respect and trust you more. No more excuses!

If you can’t find a positive reason, always remember that the best reason is that you and/or others will be happier. Stand up for your beliefs!

Blaming others versus "I have choices...no matter what you did to me." No matter what someone does to you, you have a wide range of responses to choose from. You do not have to be aggressive or nonassertive.

Dr. Wayne Dyer suggests making a BLAME LIST. Include everything that you blame your parents, significant other, friends, teachers, boss, or anyone else for. Then take each blame item and try to look at it from the point of view that you had/have power to make choices of how to respond to the situation that you were presented with.

Focus on your own choices. Take responsibility for making yourself happy for each of these situations. Be creative in finding new ways of making yourself as happy as possible with each situation. For example, spending time with a needy or demanding parent is a choice no matter how strongly you believe that you must do it (or owe it to them). It is not a must over which you have no choice.


Another way to become more internally controlled is to remind ourselves of the consequences of being too externally controlled. Make a list of negative consequences that affect you. Following are common negative consequences of external control and reminders of key internal control sources. Remind yourself of these consequences--even carry the list with you.

Attractiveness. If you are too dependent, externally controlled, or unhappy, you probably aren't as attractive to others. Do they view you as too needy, insecure, or weak?

Dependence--loss of freedom. If you get trapped in a poor relationship because of your neediness in one area of your life, you will lose freedom and could become miserable and depressed.

Victimization. Have you been in the role of a victim? Say, "I am tired of being nonassertive, tired of being codependent, tired of being too dependent, and tired of being a victim. I can only respect myself if I look to my Higher Self and persist to get my inner needs met."

Instead of being a victim, you can remind yourself of the following.

Many routes--not one. You don't need (must have) any one person. You can be happy alone or you can be happy in other relationships. Any good relationship is a gift--a bonus. No one owes you a good relationship; you can create your own happiness. Say, "There are many routes to happiness and I will find the right ones for me."

Learning and experimenting. Sometimes being assertive means not knowing what you want and experimenting. In practice you will not always know what you will like or what will make you happy. You may require time for searching your inner feelings or experimenting to find out what you like and dislike. You can insist other people give you space, allow you to experiment, or even experiment with you.

Trusting others versus trusting yourself. You can never trust others to take care of yourself as much as you can trust yourself. If you depend upon others for stability or direction, then you will constantly be insecure and ultimately anxious. Because, you will be at the mercy of their desires and the possibility that they may let you down or leave you. On the other hand, you know that you will always be there for yourself and never leave yourself.

Loving yourself. Say, "I love myself, and I can create a happy life for myself. I am the person most responsible for meeting my own needs. If I am to be happy, I will choose to assertively pursue the values that lead to my happiness."

Loving others. Say, "I can love others and create happy relationship(s) through my own abilities to be happy, and though giving undemanding love to others. I will treat others by what I believe--not by what others manipulate me to do."






We have been focusing on what we say to ourselves in order to get more internal control. Now we will focus on other people who are influencing us and on what we say to those other people.

There will always be people who want to influence us. People who are more externally controlled will automatically tend to do what these people want. People who are more internally controlled will tend to check with their Higher Selves and other internal subparts before responding. Ultimately they will want to know the effects of the request on both people's overall happiness before agreeing.

While this chapter is not a course on assertion training, I will provide a few simple tips on what to do when dealing with people who are attempting to persuade, manipulate, or coerce you. Some of these people (especially parents) may truly care about you and have your best interests at heart. Others couldn't care less about you. They may simply be trying to sell you something for their benefit--not yours. Also, see Appendix E: KEY INTERPERSONAL SKILLS.


We may so habitually conform to doing what others expect or want that we are not even aware of it. Becoming aware of automatic conformity is the first step to consciously choose what we want. Consciously choosing what we want can greatly enhance our sense of personal freedom and self-esteem. Think of any relationships in which you feel restricted, controlled, or have difficulty being yourself. Become more aware of any feelings that precede or follow nonassertive behavior. These feelings may include:

•Feelings of pressure or anxiety

•Feeling weak

•Feeling dependent on the other person

•Fear of being rejected or hurt by the other person

•Feeling afraid of something the other person might do as a punishment or retaliation

•Feelings of guilt or anger at yourself--(often occurring after nonassertiveness)

•Feelings of apathy, loss of motivation, unhappiness, or depression (often occurring after nonassertiveness)


      When you get one of these feelings, imagine a big red flag. Then take some of the steps below to become more aware of the consequences of external control and focus more on what you really want.


Learning which external and internal messages to focus on is a key determinant of achieving successful internal control and assertiveness. External control focus means focusing on what the other person thinks, feels, and wants without weighing it adequately against our own thoughts, feelings, and wants.

Internal control focus means primarily focusing on our own desires, feelings, goals, plans, and thoughts. An assertive stance is to be sensitive to both your own and the other's values, but normally (1) giving some preference to your own values and (2) attempting to achieve win-win outcomes (so both are happy). Use your Higher Self's genuine empathy and love of self and others as a guide.


For people who are too externally controlled. If you are in the habit of trying to please (or rebel against) others, then it is important to put an extra emphasis on looking inward for awhile to see what you really want. Try some of the following suggestions.

•Get away from the influential person (even for five minutes) and focus on your own inner dreams, desires, subparts, values, and goals.

•Talk to other people who are more internally controlled, are on your side, and are more objective.

•Make your decision based primarily upon what you really want. First, decide what you would want or do if the person whom you normally defer to did not even exist. This can help to clarify your own feelings without interruption from your internalized other.

•Role-play in your own mind what the other person might say and what your new, assertive position is. Would they make some valid points that you honestly want to consider? Mentally practice how you will deal with any consequences of your new assertiveness.

•Normally, seek the opinion of a dominating person only if they are directly involved or will be directly affected by your decision. Make the final decision alone--without any other person present.


Focus on internal sources of control to get more control of emotions. When we focus on external sources of control, we will often feel weak, helpless, and out of control. The emotions we get will likely either be anxiety, guilt, hurt, or depression. Those emotions may trigger a nonassertive mode of thoughts and actions.

On the other hand, emotions of resentment or anger may trigger an aggressive mode. Often feeling hurt precedes the anger. We may try to do the opposite of what the other wants (rebel) or try to get even.

When we focus on constructive, internal sources of control (such as our Higher Self or other constructive beliefs, desires, and goals), we feel more in control, feel more determined, and feel calmer. This is an assertive mode. I ask clients to change focus from external to internal sources of control in my office, and they are amazed at how much more confident they feel within seconds. Try it.


A husband (in front of guests at a party) says, "Honey, I'll bet that if you didn't spend all that time watching game shows after work, you'd have time to cook dinner for me now and then." Everyone laughs. His wife responds, "But I'm really tired after working all day and need some time to wind down."  Husband, "I know that, I was only teasing."

      What has just happened here? On the surface, it appears that the husband is teasing his wife about game shows and cooking. According to the social rules of teasing, everyone laughs at his wife and she is supposed to be a good sport and laugh too. However, the wife heard the (not so) hidden message that her husband really is upset with her for watching TV instead of cooking dinner. He wants to embarrass her in front of their friends and to use group pressure.

She is upset by that hidden message. He did not want their friends to think he would intentionally embarrass his wife in front of them, so he denied that he was playing a game and insisted he was only teasing.

The game is a subtle way of getting her to feel bad about her behavior and change it. It is manipulation because it is dishonest--he is pretending that he is only teasing. Dr. Eric Berne described many such manipulative social games in his classic book, Games People Play. Berne calls this game "Sweetheart," because often the manipulator says, "Isn't that true, Sweetheart." If he disguises his attack by smiling and saying sweetheart, she is not supposed to respond negatively.

How could she tell if he were not playing a game--if he were really teasing? If he had been honest and had previously resolved his problem about dinner and if his real goal were to play, then his statement would not be manipulation.


In the above example, the wife could have screamed, yelled, called her husband names, and gone on a tirade. However, such an aggressive (or domineering) response would probably have made her seem to be the bad guy and alienated her friends as well as driving a wedge further between her and her husband.

She also could have smiled and pretended that she believed he was only teasing. However, this nonassertive (or passive) response will only encourage him to keep manipulating her and will increase his control of her life.

A more skilled, understanding, and assertive response would be to say something like, “Honey, it sounds like you are really bothered by my watching TV after work, perhaps we should talk about it later?” By this assertive response, she shows understanding and concern for him and simultaneously cuts through the dishonest game to the heart of the issue. If he persisted, she could add, “You don't want to discuss it here and now in front of our friends do you?” Recall that in our studies on the SRQ we found that assertiveness and intimacy each correlated over .70 with relationship happiness. SHAQ incorporates the SRQ scales. See the box below for more information.

Most people do not have good assertive communication skills. Assertive skills take time, study, and practice to learn. Following are a few characteristics of assertive (nonaggressive, non-passive) interpersonal communications. Try these tips to become more assertive and to resolve disagreements more constructively.


 Empathy. Attempt to understand the other person's point of view thoroughly.

 Care for other. Express respect and concern for others and their feelings. Tell them and show them you care--even if you are angry.

 Care for self. Focus on own values, goals, feelings--clarify them to yourself and to others.

 Seek win--win solutions. Avoid win--lose solutions (even if you will be the winner). What do you win in the long run when you hurt someone you care for or conduct business with?

 No name-calling, attacking, or blaming. Use neutral, descriptive language--avoid name calling, negative labels, or personal attacks of any type. Don't blame other or self. Focus on causes and solutions--not on assessing blame and problems.

 Issue-oriented. Keep your focus on one important issue at a time and be willing to take whatever time is necessary to reach an eventual solution for important problems. Be flexible about when to talk. Make sure there is balanced turn-taking of whose main issue is being addressed.

 Calm. Attempt to keep an atmosphere of calm concern and understanding by both parties. If emotions get too intense, take a "time-out" (time and space necessary to regain calmness by either party).

 Listen empathetically. Listen to others first. Let the other thoroughly explore his or her point-of-view. Frequently summarize the essence of the other’s emotions and content.

 Ask the other to elaborate his or her point of view, so you can understand it in more detail--even if it is critical of you. Ask them questions like, “Can you give me examples?”, ”Can you tell me more?”, or ”What else bothers you?”

 Get to heart of problem. Encourage clarification and exploration of underlying issues. (See self-exploration method in Chapter 2 and apply method to both parties.) Help both parties discover the underlying, bigger themes behind the feelings.

 Be caring, but firmly respond to manipulation. Respond to emotional outbursts with empathy, but do not be manipulated by them. (Example, "I can see you are angry about XX. I care about your feelings and want to understand why you are so upset.") Often, the best alternative is to take a TIME-OUT if either party gets too out of control.

 Bargain. Be willing (and learn how) to escalate carefully and bargain with rewards and punishments if the other person becomes too manipulative or if simple agreements do not work. Use a calm, but firm approach to de-escalate anger or attacks. If you believe that, you are being treated badly by the other person and they refuse to bargain, then consider taking action yourself to better take care of your own needs--even if it upsets them. It might bring them back to the bargaining table!

 Focus on changing self--not other. You can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior--not the other person's. Offer suggestions of actions you can take to improve matters--especially those that also take better care of your needs.

 Actions consistent with words. Follow up with actions matching words--persistently. No deceit. If the other does not keep an agreement, examine the problem alone. Discuss the broken agreement.





Moving on to healthier relationships. We can learn to get more internal control in a variety of ways. One important way to get more internal control is to (1) accept that any reference group or close relationship is going to exert some influence on your beliefs, thoughts, and behavior and (2) adjust the time you spend with others according to how positive you believe their overall influence is on you.

If you feel more unhappy, worse about yourself, and less growth because you are with certain people, take control. You have a choice! I have seen many clients who were much happier after they completely separated themselves from dysfunctional families. Some have not seen anyone in their family for many years. Generally, they learned to overcome guilt and loneliness. Most thought it was one of the healthiest things they ever did. As one said, "I quit letting them drag me back into the quicksand."

People leaving unhealthy relationships are often afraid that they will never find someone else who will love them and be with them. Yet, most people go on to healthier relationships. Those who don't get into relationships almost always learn to be happier alone than in that unhealthy relationship.





SHAQ Research Results: Interpersonal Skills


   The Interpersonal Skills scales focused upon intimate relationship skills. Combined, they correlated with Happiness, .59; with Low Depression, .39; with Low Anxiety, .38; with Low Anger-Aggr, .59; with good Relationships, .40; with Health, .49; with Income, .21; with Education, .15; and with college GPA, .19.


The eight Interpersonal Skills subscales follow.

1. Assertive conflict resolution. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .46; with Low Depression, .24; with Low Anxiety, .20; with Low Anger-Aggr, .36; with Relationship Outcomes, .37; and with Health, .31; and with college GPA,.08.

2. Open, honest communication. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .50; with Low Depression, .29; with Low Anxiety, .23; with Low Anger-Aggr, .30; with Relationship Outcomes, and .44; with Health, .29.

3. Love and respect for other. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .48; with Low Depression, .29; with Low Anxiety, .27; with Low Anger-Aggr, .43; with Relationship Outcomes, .43; and with Health, .30.

4. Positive and supportive statements. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .42; with Low Depression, .28; with Low Anxiety, .27; with Low Anger-Aggr, .54; with Relationship Outcomes, .27; and with Health, .31.

5. Collaborative behavior. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .41; with Low Depression, .27; with Low Anxiety, .24; with Low Anger-Aggr, .33; with Relationship Outcomes, .27; and with Health, .32.

6. Supportive relationship independence. Support to pursue own interests, goals, time alone, etc. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .38; with Low Depression, .29; with Low Anxiety, .31; with Low Anger-Aggr, .39; with Relationship Outcomes, .14; with Health, .30; with Income, .06; with Education, .08.; and with college GPA, .06.

7. Romantic. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .39; with Low Depression, .17; with Low Anxiety, .12; with Low Anger-Aggr, .24; with Relationship Outcomes, .27; and with Health, .18.

8. Liberated roles. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .17; with Low Depression, .11; with Low Anxiety, .18; with Low Anger-Aggr, .29; with Relationship Outcomes, .14; and with Health, .13.


   The assertive, interpersonal skills guidelines in this chapter correspond closely to items on subscales 1-6 above. Follow them to improve relationships and happiness. Go to Appendix E and my website for more free self-help interpersonal and assertive skills training manuals.


Note: For all correlations, p < .0001 and Ns ranged from 2336 to 2906.



One of the key issues in any relationship is the balance of control. Is it 50%-50%, 80%-20%, or what? Who makes more of the decisions in each life area? Who gets their way most often during conflicts? Who gives the most? These questions raise the underlying control issue of “How much do I give to my own happiness versus how much do I give to the happiness of others?” Does a sister give up a kidney to save the life of her sister--thus increasing her own chances of death? How much do we each give?

I cannot answer those questions for you. We each need to draw our own boundaries about who we will give to and how much we will give. However, in my experience with hundreds of clients, balance issues, control issues, and people's communication about them are usually the most important determinates of the relationship's success.

Overcoming conflicts about balance and control can only happen through good communication and a willingness by all involved to change.


PRACTICE: Examine current balance and boundaries of control in important relationships. Think of an important relationship you are not satisfied with. Examine the balance of control overall and balance in important areas of the relationship. Also, are there problems with dependence, codependence, or other control boundaries--see earlier sections? How can you more assertively communicate and act toward the other? What fears, underlying beliefs, and other internal barriers must you cope with to act more assertively with this person? Develop a plan to overcome them using ideas from this and earlier chapters.


SHAQ Research Results: Internal versus External Control


 The Internal vs. External (I-E) Control Beliefs scale correlated with Happiness, .49; with Low Depression, .42; with Low Anxiety, .46; with Low Anger-Aggression, .42; with good Relationships, .29; with Health, .38; with Income, .24; with Education, .14; and with college GPA, .13.


The three Internal-External Control subscales follow.

1. Autonomy, independence. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .55; with Low Depression, .44; with Low Anxiety, .43; with Low Anger-Aggr, .37; with Relationship Outcomes, .33; and with Health, .33; with income, .29; with Education, .15, and with college GPA, .13.

2. Not codependent. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .21; with Low Depression, .23; with Low Anxiety, .28; with Low Anger-Aggr, .24; with Relationship Outcomes, .09; and with Health, .25; with income, .09; and with Education, .11.

3. Not (adult) care provider. This subscale correlated with Happiness, .25; with Low Depression, .21; with Low Anxiety, .27; with Low Anger-Aggr, .31; with Relationship Outcomes, .18; and with Health, .23; with income, .10; and with college GPA, .06.


   Internal control can help people achieve integrity—living by what they value and believe. The opposite is external control—letting others determine what you will do or even think. No wonder I-E Control is so large a factor in happiness and success. The autonomy subscale had one of the highest correlations with income of any SHAQ scale (.29). This chapter gives detailed help how you can achieve more internal control of your life.


Note: For all correlations, p < .0001 and Ns ranged from 2001 to 2646.



Many external forces try to influence our decisions--

including many people we love and respect.

Many internal forces try to influence our decisions--

including many lower and higher desires.

If we are too influenced by external forces,

we risk lack of inner satisfaction and depression.

If we are too influenced by our own self-directed desires,

we risk social consequences and guilt.

Allowing the Higher Self to balance empathetic listening

to both internal with external messages, and

to give primary responsibility for meeting desires to each individual

can resolve the internal--external control conflict.

We can attain internal control and win-win solutions.














More than 2,000 years ago Aristotle achieved this powerful insight about the relationship between excellent performance and happiness.


The function of man, then, is exercise of his vital facilities. . .

in obedience to reason. . .a harpist's function is to harp,

and a good harpist's function is to harp well. . .

the good of man is exercise of his faculties in accordance with excellence. . .

the manifestations of excellence will be pleasant in themselves. . .

the life of these men is in itself pleasant. . .

Happiness is, then, at once the best and noblest and pleasantest thing

in the world, and these are not separated. . .

For all these characteristics are united

in the best exercises of our faculties. . .(Aristotle, Ethics)


Occasionally--for brief periods of time--everything in my mind and body is functioning harmoniously. I might be playing tennis and seem to be at one with the court, the ball, and the movement. I feel confident of hitting the ball where I want. My mind and body are highly energized, but not overly so. I am especially alert and able to focus on the ball and where I want to hit it. When I am in this state, I am totally involved in what I am doing and loving it. I am performing at my best.

This harmonious state occurs not only during tennis, but also during other activities such as dancing, conversing, solving an interesting problem, having a special sexual experience, or appreciating a beautiful sunset. During these experiences, I feel as if every cell in my mind and body is functioning at some optimal level doing what it was intended to do. This type of functioning is extremely healthy for both our psychological and our physical health. Whereas its opposites--prolonged anxiety, anger, or depression--are unhealthy states. Evidence is increasing that too much time spent in these negative emotional states is detrimental to both our mental and physical health.

These harmonious experiences may be similar to what Maslow referred to as "peak experiences." He found that self-actualizing people--especially those who focused more on mental activities--tended to have many more peak experiences than most people. He characterized these peak experiences as a feeling of inner harmony and oneness with themselves and the universe.


The person in the peak experience feels more integrated
(unified, whole, all-of-a-piece), than at other times.

He also looks (to the observer) more integrated in various ways. . .,

 e.g., less split or dissociated, less fighting against himself,

more at peace with himself,

less split between an experiencing self and an observing self,

more one-pointed, more harmoniously organized,

more efficiently organized

with all his parts functioning very nicely with each other . .

(A. Maslow, 1960, p.98)


Wouldn't it be wonderful if all humans could function at this higher level most of the time? We could create a much more harmonious and productive society from which we would all benefit.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could spend most of your time functioning at this higher level; and spend less time feeling bored, under stress, or unhappy? What if you were continually fascinated and performing at your best? What if instead of feeling bored or stressed about a task--avoiding it or doing it halfway--you could become fascinated with it? What if instead of dreading a task, you could create positive anticipation?

Wouldn't it be great if you had buttons in your head that you could push to feel more excited or more calm? The harmonious functioning model can help you understand the root causes of motivation and emotion--and suggest basic strategies for supercharging yourself.





      A state of harmonious functioning leads to the big three outcomes—peak learning, peak performance, and peak happiness.[19] We can create harmonious functioning in almost any situation. This state is not mystical or magical, but it may be what the mystic feels when he or she has a mystical experience.

Harmonious functioning is a special mind-body state in which all activated brain and body systems are operating in the maximum harmony possible for that particular situation. The most central of these systems are cognitive systems and conscious processes. We may experience this mind-body state as euphoria, nirvana, a peak experience, a flow experience. Whatever we call it, it feels wonderful!

Peak learning, performance, and happiness are interwoven aspects of the same underlying phenomenon. This phenomenon is the basis of all higher learning and motivation. It is rooted in brain physiology, but its branches extend into the higher informational/spiritual levels of existence.

What is this underlying phenomenon? Presently, no one can describe its exact nature--though many have tried. I propose that this phenomenon has to do with how we process information. Harmonious functioning has to do with the relationship between the inputs to the mind and its ability to cope with them. It is a complex relationship, but one I will try to describe in this chapter. Understanding how harmonious functioning works will change your life! Let's start with the following example.

A client came in for counseling. An intelligent and mature person, she normally functioned at a high level and was quite happy. However, she was undecided about her career direction, about where she wanted to live, and about her relationship. In addition she had financial and health problems that were potentially serious. She was from another state and had few friends in the area. If she had had problems in only one or two of these areas, she could have solved them herself without so much anxiety.

OVERSTIMULATION—Too much challenge causes confusion and anxiety[20]

      Whenever she focused on her problems, she got lost in their complexity. The complexity was too great for her mental organization powers to handle all at once. Feeling overwhelmed, she usually avoided her problems by doing compulsive busywork such as organizing her closet. But organizing her closet didn't solve the real problems. Therefore, she experienced the big three negative outcomes from too much input for her coping ability. These outcomes were high anxiety, low learning, and low performance.

UNDERSTIMULATION—Too little challenge causes boredom and depression

At other times--in the face of too much challenge--my client would mentally give up and tune out. When she tuned out, she narrowed her focus so much that she mentally shut down and became passive. That mental shut down created a  low arousal state of depression or boredom. When she was in this state, she withdrew from others and became immobilized by her depression. Therefore, she was now experiencing the big three negative outcomes from too little input for her mental abilities--underarousal, low learning, and low performance.

Boredom or depression produce lowered arousal or apathy. We often confuse these lowered energy states with being tired or sick. These low energy states can further interfere with performance.

Cognitive overstimulation or cognitive understimulation was the underlying cause for her negative big three outcomes of negative emotions, low learning, and low performance. On the other hand, when there is optimal match between the complexity of a situation and our abilities, then we will experience the big three positive outcomes--peak learning, peak performance, and peak happiness.[21]


What is the most basic human motive? Many have attempted to answer that question. Freud thought that we had two basic motives--sex and aggression. Maslow thought that we began focusing on the biological lower needs--such as needs for food and sex, and gradually moved on to the higher needs--such as love, creativity, and ultimately self-actualization. I agree with Maslow's idea about the progression of needs to some extent, but think that there is a more basic human motive.


Growth is our strongest motivator. Does it seem strange to think that the most basic human motive might not be sex or aggression as Freud believed, but knowledge? After all, the brain is primarily a giant information processor. Estimates are that we have between 10 and 100 billion neurons with perhaps 20 quadrillion connections. Each of these connections is a potential storage unit of knowledge, and each cell is striving to be active and learn.

Why have our brains evolved so far beyond the lower animals? Clearly, there is evolutionary value to intelligence that gives humans advantages. Social evolutionary value also gives individuals, groups, and nations with greater knowledge advantages over those with less knowledge.

Our brains automatically strive to develop more and better organized knowledge--to develop more elaborate cognitive systems. Our cognitive system tries to keep from being overwhelmed by too much information, on the one hand, and to keep from being deprived by too little on the other. Our cognitive system is functioning harmoniously during maximum learning and growth. Evolution has made this mental harmonious functioning state the most pleasant and desired state attainable, because knowledge has so much survival value. Harmonious functioning (happiness) is also the most rewarding and motivating force affecting our daily lives.

Several psychologists have made important contributions to understanding the importance of growth as a primary motive. The following four each began from very different points of view and methods, yet each arrived at similar conclusions. [22]


Dr. George Kelly wrote his 1,218 page The Psychology of Personal Constructs in 1955. I first read it in graduate school. He was a man whose ideas were far beyond his time. Though always influential, his principles have gained acceptance over the years. Today, his principles provide a foundation for many of the latest approaches to cognitive therapy. Every major book on theories of personality includes Kelly's theory as one of a handful presented.

      Dr. Kelly viewed our basic nature as attempting to understand the world around us--so that we may best adapt to it. He quotes the poet Shelly; "The mind becomes that which it contemplates" (p.6) to reflect his belief that we develop what I have called mental models of the world.[23] Dr. Kelly also states,



Man looks at his world through transparent patterns or templates which he creates and then attempts to fit over the realities of which the world is composed.
The fit is not always very good. Yet without such patterns the world appears to be
[so confusing] that man is unable to make any sense out of it.
Even a poor fit is more helpful to him than nothing at all.


Dr. Kelly believed that every aspect of the universe could be viewed in a variety of ways. In other words, one person can hold several models or theories that explain the same phenomenon. Each of these models or theories can be partially correct. Our brain automatically chooses the view [model or theory] that seems to best predict future events.

What happens when our "pet theory" doesn't adequately predict events? Or even worse--what happens if none of our theories predict the events? According to Dr. Kelly the result is anxiety. To the degree that our beliefs are not able to cope with inputs--especially higher level beliefs--we will feel anxiety.

Thus, it is as if we each have a head full of little scientists--each trying to build better theories to predict the future. These inner experts each have their own area of expertise (range of convenience). Each inner expert is most interested in events that will affect it. For example, the part responsible for eating and hunger is constantly trying to predict and understand the meal schedule. The schedule may be routine unless the supply of food is suddenly cut off. Then, that inner food expert becomes active. The increased uncertainty that the food expert feels creates anxiety for the entire cognitive system.

What if these little experts are all confused at once or are in disharmony among themselves? According to Kelly, cognitive confusion is the basic cause of anxiety. The most happy state is one in which the currently active experts find an optimal degree of match [or validation] between their theories and the events they are trying to anticipate. Too little match (too little cognitive control) is confusing and little is learned--it is overchallenging and anxiety producing. Too much match (cognitive overcontrol) is boring and little is learned--it is underchallenging and depressing. Kelly’s theory has produced many supportive research studies (B. Walker and D. Winter, 2007).


Psychologists know that if a biological subsystem is either overstimulated or understimulated, we experience these states as unpleasant. If it is stimulated at a moderate degree, then we tend to experience that state as pleasant. This general principle of optimal stimulation or optimal arousal seems to work for almost every cell and system in our mind and body. For example, if our blood sugar is too low, our blood sugar detection system gives us the sensation of being hungry. The taste of food--especially something sweet seems very good. If our blood sugar level is too high--such as after having eaten a lot of sweets--then we may get sensations that cause us to feel sick if we taste something sweet. Our blood-sugar-regulation system is a basic biological system that produces pleasant feelings when the sugar level is within the optimal range and unpleasant feelings when either too high or too low.

The optimal stimulation principle also applies to our emotions. Dr. Berlyne (1960, 1967) believed that our brains seek to maintain an optimal level of stimulation. He believed that curiosity, the desire for knowledge, is perhaps our most powerful motivational force.


Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has taken Maslow's concept of peak experience and led research efforts to understand optimal experience and its relationship to happiness for over two decades. His book is Flow--The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Dr. Csikszentmihalyi believes that happiness is of primary importance to people and that it is achieved primarily through controlling our thoughts. He states (page 6):


The optimal state of experience is one
in which there is order in consciousness.

This happens when psychic energy--or attention--is invested

in realistic goals, and when skills match the opportunities for action.

The pursuit of the goal brings order in awareness

because a person must concentrate attention on the task at hand and
momentarily forget everything else.

These periods of struggling to overcome challenges are what people
find to be the most enjoyable times in their lives . . .

By stretching skills, by reaching toward higher challenges,
such a person becomes an increasingly extraordinary individual. . . .

"Flow" is the way people describe their state of mind

when consciousness is harmoniously ordered, and

they want to pursue what they are doing for its own sake.


Notice the similarity between Dr. Csikszentmihalyi's theory and Dr. Kelly's. Both focus on optimal levels of matching between inputs and cognitive abilities. Also, notice the similarity to Aristotle's observation.

Dr. Csikszentmihalyi describes many cases of individuals who have experienced the flow experience more frequently and intensely than most of us. Some, such as a dancer who frequently experiences flow while dancing, are not so surprising. Others, such as a homeless man who achieved frequent flow experiences, are more surprising. He had developed a highly active mental life and oneness with his environment. Does it seem incredible that someone we so often pity could be happier than we are? It appears that flow is more a result of mental conditions than external conditions.

Dr. Csikszentmihalyi has discovered that certain situations and activities seem to make the flow experience easier to obtain. Examples include sports, games, artistic and creative activities, social activities, religious activities, and more challenging work activities. Some flow experiences seem to involve more sensory and physical activities such as sex, athletics, or listening to music, while other flow experiences seem to involve higher mental processes and symbolic skills more. These include activities such as poetry, mathematics, philosophy, or solving an everyday problem.

Yet, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi recognizes that even the most sensory or physical activity must have some higher mental counterpart which is in tune with it or at least allows it to happen. In other words, each cognitive system must actively or passively support the activity to achieve flow [harmonious functioning].

Dr. Csikszentmihalyi provides some general guidelines for achieving the flow experience, but he is not a clinical psychologist. He suggests that more specific guidelines (like those in this book) are needed from someone who has more experience working with clients. 

Several research studies have provided evidence that Dr. Csikszentmihalyi's main ideas are not only valid, but seem to be valid across many diverse cultures (Csikszentmihalyi,1988). These studies support the idea that the basic causes of the flow experience are part of human nature, not cultural. They are not dependent upon Western or Eastern cultural factors or religions.


A major theoretical approach in psychology, artificial intelligence, and neuroscience views our brain as consisting of neural networks. These neural networks are synonymous with what I have been calling cognitive systems. Dr. Stephan Grossberg is one of the leading scholars in this field and proposes that when we learn something significant, some neural network [cognitive subsystem] resonates (harmoniously) and reinforces the new learning—stamping it into memory.

The primary activity of each neural network is trying to match current knowledge (in the form of expectations) with inputs. When there is too much mismatch, the network searches for other expectations to match the input. This search process produces arousal.

Trying to match inputs with expectations is like a bee-catcher trying to catch a swarm of bees with a net. If his net has big holes (like a theory with big holes), he can catch only a few bees and the rest can swarm over him. Inadequate expectations [or hypotheses] are like the net with big holes--too much input escapes the expectations [abilities to process the input]. The input which cannot be processed (the escaping bees) produces too much search (to capture the bees) resulting in too much bee-keeper arousal, confusion, and anxiety. 

If his net catches all the bees (like a very proven theory), then there will be no escaping bees resulting in too little search and arousal to be interesting. If the expectations match the input too well, then nothing is learned and the result is too little search for new hypotheses, low arousal, and boredom.

If his net can catch an optimal number of bees (like a developing theory), then just enough bees escape to make the catch challenging and fun. Harmonious functioning is like using a net with a few holes. The few escaping bees produce optimal search, learning, and arousal. The bee-catcher loves optimal challenge. He likes to have just enough bees escape so that he can prevent boredom from understimulation and prevent anxiety from overstimulation.

Grossberg says that an optimal degree of matching between input and expectations causes adaptive resonance. Adaptive resonance causes optimal stimulation and arousal. It may be the root cause of the emotion of happiness. It may be the major cause of what learning psychologists call reinforcement [at least at a cognitive level].

This resonance between brain cells is similar to members of an orchestra playing together in harmony. The result is a feeling of exhilaration---the "ah ha" type experience. An optimal degree of matching between inputs and predictions is the state that causes optimal learning and optimal stimulation. It is like fitting a key piece of a puzzle together.

I believe that this type of resonance within our cognitive systems is the neural basis for our experience of optimal stimulation, peak experience, or flow. What causes this experience is an optimal rate of new learning. The cognitive system is neither underchallenged and bored or overwhelmed and anxious. From an entirely different theoretical approach, Dr. Grossberg seems to have found a concept of resonance that is quite similar to the concepts of peak experience, optimal stimulation, and flow[24].

Harmonious functioning stamps in memories. According to Dr. Grossberg's theory, adaptive resonance is the mental arousal process that actually causes information to be stamped into long-term memory from its current state in short-term memory. He presents a great deal of evidence which seems to support his theory. Thus, when we are most involved and fascinated with something, we are actually stamping it into long-term memory.

Think about your mental state when you are learning the most and when you are most likely to remember something a long time. If you are listening to a close friend talk about an important problem, you do not have to take notes or repeat over and over again what they said in your mind to remember it--you just remember it. You remember it because you were interested in it and your brain automatically stored it away in long-term memory.

Think of other times when you remember well automatically--without studying--watching a good movie, listening to a song you like, visiting a new city, or learning to ride a bike. To learn, get mentally involved in understanding the content of what you are learning and integrate it into what you already know, and then you do not need to study. 


You can measure your learning and study efficiency by observing your emotions. When you are fascinated, you are in the zone of harmonious functioning and learning at a maximum rate. When you are too confused or anxious, you can't understand the content and therefore will not remember it well. When you are too bored or depressed, you will not remember the material

It may be so old to you that no new learning takes place.

Or, your learning rate may be so slow that you become bored. Most rote learning techniques are boring. Your boredom tells you what researchers in memory already have discovered--that most rote learning methods such as pure repetition are inefficient.

A third cause of boredom is tuning out. If the material is confusing, you may tune-out--leaving a vacuum of boredom.

Any strong emotional experiences may be remembered. Even when we may be having negative emotional reactions, some other part of our brain may be  interested in understanding why we are having that negative experience (so we can avoid it in the future) and stamp it into long-term memory.


Can harmonious functioning occur when we are not learning or involved in a challenging task? Try to think of times that you feel happiest. What activities do you enjoy the most? According to the harmonious functioning theory, all these experiences involve some degree of harmonious functioning in neural networks (cognitive subsystems).

Activities I experience harmonious functioning in most often include tennis, skiing, sex, good conversations, reading, writing, listening to music, seeing a good movie, or appreciating a sunset. I am also happy when I observe that I have accomplished a goal, see that someone else is happy, or read that something good has happened in the world. I can see how each of these situations involves optimal matching between my cognitions (expectations, goals, knowledge, or skills) and some input situation.

Consider any of these activities. How can we apply the idea of harmonious functioning to listening to music? Think of times when you have enjoyed a piece of music the most. Remember when your emotions soared and your mind was filled with visions inspired by the music. It could be any type of music from rock to classical. Examine the actual mental associations, images, and thoughts which were elicited by the music. Note the amount of mental activity, cognitive processing, and learning. It was not textbook or academic learning. Perhaps you never thought of listening to music as a form of learning, but from your brain's point of view--there is a whole orchestra of cells which are, indeed, processing information and learning.

However, the learning is often not just about music, we may associate the music with underlying life themes or other aspects of our life--giving the music important meaning. I still recall a night when I was 22 years old listening to a piece by Ravel. The next day I was leaving Oklahoma City, where I had spent my kindergarten through college years. I was moving to Claremont, California to begin attending the School of Theology. I realized that I was beginning a new phase of my life, and had many visions of the future which I associated with the music. The total experience of listening to that music, my visions, and looking up at the stars elicited a peak experience.

Compare the times when you reached your highest emotional levels with music to the times when you were either overstimulated or understimulated by it. During periods of overstimulation, the music may have sounded like noise. Just the way rock music or classical music sounds to the uninitiated. There is too much new input: the patterns are too unfamiliar for the cognitive system's ability to process it.

During periods of understimulation, the music is too repetitive or you've heard it too many times before. It provides too little new input; the patterns are too familiar to your cognitive system to generate learning. You feel bored.

If you are like me, you avoid listening to favorites too often, so that you won't get too saturated hearing them. Then the music can keep its freshness each time you hear it. That is a necessary condition for harmonious functioning. Listening to a song from a new perspective is another way to rekindle interest. It is our cognitions that must be fresh, not the just the input.


PRACTICE: Accept my challenge. Take any activity or experience in which you felt peak happiness or involvement. Try to apply the harmonious functioning model to your experience. Think of how the input-cognitive processing match was within some optimal range. Compare it to similar, but overstimulating, experiences in which there was too much complexity, challenge, or newness. Then compare it to similar, but understimulating, experiences consisting of too little challenge, complexity, or newness.






The three immediate outcomes of harmonious functioning--peak learning, peak performance, and peak happiness--are usually followed by three delayed outcomes. These delayed outcomes are less certain, but can have powerful effects over time. These delayed outcomes include increased liking for the activity, increased self-esteem, and increased physical health. Increased liking for the activity per se causes us to want to do it more. [This increased liking for the activity per se is called intrinsic motivation).

HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING DRIVES LIKING UP--overstimulation and understimulation drive liking down

For any activity, experience, object, or person, harmonious functioning increases our liking and overstimulation or understimulation decreases our liking. This is one of the most important principles of motivation and is at the bottom of most of our likes and dislikes.

Harmonious functioning increases our liking and intrinsic motivation. When we enjoy doing something, we will probably want to do it again. If we don't enjoy it, we probably won't. Enjoyable and meaningful activities become self-reinforcing or intrinsically motivated. We do them because we enjoy doing them. Research evidence from many types sources support this general hypothesis (Staats, 1968; Brehm, J. W. and Self, E. A.,1989).


PRACTICE: Compare activities you like to those you dislike. Think about something with which you are fascinated. It could be watching a TV show or movie, listening to music, solving a puzzle, participating in a sport or interesting conversation, or it could be almost anything. Compare your motivation for doing one of those activities where you have functioned more in the zone to an activity that has been too confusing or too boring in the past.


Harmonious functioning and love. Harmonious functioning causes us to love its perceived causes. What activities do you love? What activities do you dislike? Compare the relative amount of time spent "in the zone" between those you love and those you dislike.

Sometimes the activity is more exclusively mental. We may be appreciating a sunset or be in tune with it. It may seem that we are being passive, but actually our mind is active and functioning harmoniously. Many passive activities we enjoy are like that--music, reading, TV, concerts, absorbing nature, or people watching. We can come to love nature, art, music, or any of these events or activities associated with this mental activity of appreciating, learning, or absorbing.

Our feelings for another person can also be caused by our harmonious functioning when we are with them or thinking about them. When we are in harmony with the other person--having fun together, appreciating something about the other, communicating harmoniously, or having harmonious sex--then our feelings of closeness and attachment grow. These short-term feelings of closeness contribute to an overall feeling of love.

Why do people fall out of love? Clients often wonder why they no longer love someone they once adored. The cumulative effects of many small disharmonies can undermine a feeling of love--especially when they are not offset by positives. When we are in disharmony--feeling controlled, arguing, getting in a rut, being frustrated, feeling hurt, or feeling guilty--our feelings of distance grow. (“Distance” is another word for resentment.) Our overall feelings of love decrease.

Sherry and I have learned to pay careful attention to these little weak, daily feelings of closeness and distance. We know that over the long run they have a powerful effect on our overall feelings of love that we feel for each other. Whenever we feel distance (resentment), we usually take immediate steps to resolve the problem and get the closeness back. These daily feelings of closeness nurture our love and marriage. It really works! We have a marriage that is so special and feels so good, that we are both willing to be cooperative in order to keep that feeling alive.

We also teach our clients how to monitor and correct this emotional distance. Clients with relationship problems have often found this lesson to be one of the most valuable insights they have obtained from therapy.


Many of us believe that people are born to like or dislike math. Yet, math interest--like all interests--is essentially learned. How? Look at your own experience. Do you like or dislike math? What experiences have you had that caused you to like or dislike math? I have often asked my classes these questions. Typically, half my students say they dislike math. They almost always tell of many bad experiences with it. Often the original cause was being in math situations which were too challenging for their current knowledge. Often the cause was never giving math a chance because they had heard others make negative comments about math or about their math abilities. By never getting involved, they remained bored and unskilled at math. Disharmonious functioning can produce a strong dislike of math even though it was not the math itself which caused the bad experiences. It was the lack of optimal learning conditions and optimal challenge.

      I have often asked my classes how many people had radically changed their degree of interest in math. Many students had formerly disliked math and now love it. Usually, these students tell me that they began liking math as a result of one class in which they started doing well in math. In that class the challenge was more optimal than in the past.

One person told me that he had hated math all his life. He had been told by a high school teacher that he would never do well in math. Later, he took a college math class with an instructor who helped him understand math. He liked it so well he took a second math class. Today that person has a PhD in engineering and is an engineering professor. He loves math and is an expert!

Once we learn the harmonious functioning principles, we can function harmoniously doing almost anything (we believe in) that we formerly disliked. We can give up the old belief that the activity is inherently too negative, too difficult, or too boring. For example, we can give up the belief that our genetic math ability or intelligence is too deficient to like the math. Math interests and math skills are learned; maximum performance, learning, and interest result from reaching a state of harmonious functioning while learning math. We can learn to like and do almost any (constructive) activity well--if we create the proper learning conditions. I may say that I don't like something or don't do it well, but I never say that I can't like it or can't ever do it well. That belief needlessly lowers my self-confidence.


Examine activities where you lack motivation. Consider the example of students who lack motivation to study. Some students are confused and overwhelmed by the material and do not know how to overcome this confusion. They experience the big three negative outcomes of overstimulation--anxiety, low learning, and low performance. Other students mentally shut down either because they reject the material as too difficult or because they already know it too well. They experience the big three negative outcomes of understimulation--boredom, low learning, and low performance.

In either case, the student experiences a negative emotional reaction which becomes associated with studying that subject. This negative attitude may even undermine the student's enjoyment and motivation for studying all subjects. Ultimately the student may come to dread studying and become unmotivated. We often call this state, burnout. Has this happened to you in some activity? We can reverse burnout by getting back into the zone.


Instead of the word "burnout," use the word "unplugged."

If you become unplugged, plug yourself back in

by making the activity challenging again.





If you are too CONFUSED studying or trying to learn new ideas:


• Create a simple overview of the subparts--such as a diagram or outline. Try making a diagram showing the major parts.

• Break a complex problem into smaller, simpler parts. Then cope with each part, one at a time.

• Look up terms or concepts you are confused about. Often a book uses terms that the author assumes we understand--and we don't. It may be from a previous chapter or course. If that happens, look it up--it is time well spent! Or as a last resort, get help from someone who is an expert or has done it successfully already.

• If the input is too abstract, invent an example. The more concrete and sensory-related the example, the easier it is to understand. Sensory, concrete data is the root of all knowledge and understanding.

• Create a visual representation of an abstract or complex set of relationships. For example, draw a diagram or try to map relationships. Or find an analogous real life working model. A teacher trying to show students how electricity works may use a plumbing analogy of water running through pipes. Mathematical symbols are understood better when graphed–graphing is a key to intuitively understanding math.

• Use or create a story with meaning to organize and remember events occurring over time. For example, make a mental movie of historical events in which you picture yourself as the star.

• Use comparison and contrast to find the similarities and differences between two ideas you are confused about. List all of the main features of each idea and compare the two ideas on each feature or dimension.

• Relate to other theories or knowledge from other fields that you know better. Often the same principles will apply and you cannot only understand the new area better, but you will be broadening and strengthening your own general theories.

Keep relating new information to both more concrete data and a more abstract overview.


Use these tools to take responsibility for your own interest and learning. What do you do if something you are trying to learn is too difficult or boring? Do you take responsibility for your own interest and learning--or blame it on the teacher or book? People who have successful mental strategies for coping with too complex an input can get a more optimal match between the input and their mental abilities. Following are some methods to simplify inputs that are too complex.

We are building a cognitive tree of knowledge in our minds. The main branches are the more abstract concepts and the small branches are the more concrete concepts and sensory images. An example I often use is the biological

tree of animals. The concept "animal" is at the top. At the next level are "mammals," "fish," "reptiles," etc., until we get to the more concrete levels of "dog," "cat," "snake," "trout," etc. Our brain contains many knowledge hierarchies such as this; because, it is such an efficient way to learn, remember, and use knowledge. That hierarchical knowledge tree is what understanding is. Building our own knowledge trees and building our own theories at a fun rate will keep us in a state of harmonious functioning much of the time.

We can also develop strategies to generate stimulation and interest when the input is too slow, simple, or boring. These strategies often depend upon our adding internally generated input to the situation. We can create our own thoughts or activities, which fill the gaps left by the understimulating activities or inputs. Choose how you feel by using one of these strategies.



If I am in a boring meeting, but cannot afford to mentally or physically leave, I follow the discussion and mentally associate it with related topics to increase my interest. I will think about the people involved, their communication styles, other approaches to solving the problems, or related topics. Viewing the situation from these other points of view not only makes the meetings more tolerable for me, but it also allows me to make contributions from these unique perspectives. When I start to get bored, I remind myself that I will stay bored only if I choose to allow my mind to remain understimulated.


If you are TOO BORED or UNINVOLVED in learning or doing a task,


• Did you tune-out because the input was too complex, new, or confusing? If so, admit it to yourself, and use methods such as those above to get yourself re-engaged with the input.

• Focus on how unpleasant and unproductive the situation is to change it. Would you rather be bored or use your mind to think of related topics?

• Think about an unrelated interesting topic. You can mentally escape by focusing on some unrelated, but mentally stimulating topic. However, you will not learn the topic at hand.

• Generate your own associations with the topic. Look at an old idea from a new perspective to immediately engage your interest or even humor. Think of a new way to use the information in your life. Or think of an interesting topic you can associate the current input with. Use the learning techniques suggested for difficult topics such as compare and contrast or generating your own examples.


      Through mental skills such as these, we can create an optimal level of challenge for each task we are engaged in. This is how we can choose to be happy and effective in almost any learning situation. Once we experience these positive outcomes, we start looking forward to the activity that was formerly too stressful or too boring.


Stress and boredom are not inherent to any input,

they occur in our minds and can be corrected in our minds.


HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING CAN INCREASE OUR SELF-ESTEEM—prolonged negative emotions can decrease it 

How do you feel after a state of harmonious functioning? Don't you notice that you feel mentally and even physically stronger? After being in the zone during any activity, we usually feel an increased sense of mastery over the activity or task. We feel stronger after we have struggled and made progress just to know that we have met the challenge.

    When we are in a state of anxiety or boredom, we tend to feel less competent. Suppose Scott spends 80 percent of his life being in (or near) the zone versus 10 percent feeling bored and 10 percent anxious. On the other hand, suppose Jason spends 30 percent of his time in (or near) the zone, 30 percent anxious, and 40 percent bored. Think of the cumulative effects on their self-esteem and their overall happiness in life.

How much time are you spending in these three different states of being more in the zone versus overaroused or underaroused? What effects is it having on your self-esteem and happiness? 



SHAQ Research Results: Learning Skills


   Three of the 14 Academic Success scales were based upon the ideas in the Harmonious Functioning (HF) model of learning (listed below). The combined scales correlated with college GPA, .29. All 14 scales together correlated with college GPA, .46.


The three Harmonious Functioning-related learning scales follow:

1. Build mental structures (theories, models,etc.). This scale correlated with Happiness, .30; with Low Depression, .13; with Low Anxiety, .20; with Low Anger-Aggr, .13; with Relationships, .19; and with Health, .12; with Income, .17; with Education, .17; and with college GPA, .25.

2. Underlying, review, mental mapping. This scale correlated with Happiness, .36; with Low Depression, .16; with Low Anxiety, .27; with Low Anger-Aggr, .22; with Relationships, .25; and with Health, .21; with Income, .20; with Education, .27; and with college GPA, .27.

3. Math, science interest underlying principles. This scale correlated with Happiness, .22; with Low Depression, .18; with Low Anxiety, .09; with Low Anger-Aggr, .16; with Relationships, .10; and with Health, .12. with Income, .09; with Education, .10; and with college GPA, .18.


   Though most people think of academic learning and emotions as being very separate phenomena, the HF model posits that we have one brain that doesn’t radically separate academic situations from situations that people associate more with emotions. So it is no surprise that cognitive learning skills are also related to emotional well-being. Thinking well helps solve problems and improve learning of all types—including personal ones.


Note: For all correlations, p < .0001 and Ns ranged from 270 to 540.



Many studies have shown that prolonged negative emotions increase health risks for heart problems, cancer, and many other diseases. On the other hand, time spent in activities, which increase harmonious functioning in physical systems increase health. The epidemiologist Ralph Paffenbarger Jr. has studied the health of several thousand Harvard graduates for over 30 years. He has concluded that people who participated weekly in three hours of vigorous sports activities such as tennis cut their risk of death from all causes in half. Dr. James Blumenthal conducted a five-year study on 107 heart patients. He found that those who participated in weekly stress-management/group therapy meetings to reduce sadness, hostility, and anxiety had only a 9% heart attack rate compared to 21% who had daily exercise and 30% who had normal care. Being happy helps us to be healthy.

Anger, anxiety, and depression have negative effects on our immune system. We are only beginning to learn the beneficial effects of prolonged positive emotions. I believe that we will find many more. When our mind and body systems are functioning in harmony (the way they were "designed" to), then they tend to last. But when a system functions in disharmony or gets too little use, it deteriorates. "Use it (right) or lose it" seems to be an accurate summary of how every system in our mind and body works[25].





Learning how to maximize our time spent in harmonious functioning is one of the most important keys to happiness. Maslow’s self-actualized people spent most of their time highly involved in what they were doing. Their ability to regulate their own harmonious functioning (emotions) may be one of the main reasons why they were so happy and successful.


A good example of the harmonious functioning principle is regulation of body temperature. The human body functions most harmoniously in the comfort zone of about 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. If the body temperature gets too high or too low, all cells will die. The brain regulates our body temperature. It monitors body temperature and controls various body mechanisms--such as perspiration or metabolism rate--to lower or raise our body temperature.

For example, when the outdoor temperature rises to 110 degrees, lower brain centers cause us to feel too hot and to perspire. If the outdoor temperature lowers to 10 degrees, these brain centers cause us to shiver and feel too cold. They redistribute our blood away from our extremities so that our vital organs will stay warm enough to survive.

Higher brain centers (the cognitive brain) also help control body temperature. The conscious temperature discomfort is very functional, it causes the conscious part of our brains to pay attention to our body temperature and take actions to fix it. If we feel too hot, we can remove clothes or enter an air-conditioned building. If we feel too cold, we can put on a coat or stay indoors.

Our brains attempt to keep us in the comfort zone. The brain attempts to get mental control over the outdoor temperature. It has one bag of tricks to cope with temperatures that are too high and another bag of tricks to cope with temperatures that are too low.


The brain needs optimal stimulation and learning to be healthy. The brain has special needs of its own. Like the cells in our muscles, our brain cells need stimulation and exercise. Just as the body has an optimal temperature for optimal functioning, each part of the brain has an optimal level of stimulation for optimal functioning. In other words, each cognitive part of the brain has an optimal level of learning or processing input that keeps it maximally healthy and happy.

If it gets too hot--overwhelmed with too much input it cannot adequately process, it gets overstimulated and produces negative overarousal emotions such as anxiety or anger. If it gets too cold--too little input for its processing ability, then it produces negative underarousal emotions such as boredom or depression. To be happy we must keep an optimal level of matching between our inputs and our abilities to process them. Too little or too much matching is the brain mechanism at the root of unhappy emotions.

The harmonious functioning model provides a unifying explanation of all emotions. Being in the zone of harmonious functioning produces varying states of happiness--such as enthusiasm, love, joy, or peace. Being above the zone produces overarousal emotions such as anger, anxiety, guilt, or fear. Being below the zone produces underarousal emotions such as apathy, boredom, grief, or depression.


The zone of happiness ranges from peace and tranquility to exhilaration and ecstasy. When we are fresh, at peak energy levels, and have a highly challenging task such as a big tennis match or speech to give, being in the zone of harmonious functioning is at a much higher level of stimulation and arousal than being in the zone is at the end of the day.

At the end of the day lying on the couch with my head in Sherry's lap, a fire in the fireplace, and watching a good mystery on TV is being in the zone. “Being in the zone” covers a range of stimulation and arousal levels. It also depends upon a variety of conditions--such as my expectations, energy level, and the external situation.




   During any single hour or day, it is likely that all basic emotions will be felt at least briefly. These emotional variations are caused by variations in cognitive states.  It is also theoretically possible to measure an emotion occurring at any instant or to mathematically sum the intensity and duration of any particular emotion over a specified time period. That summative or average measure for the hour, day, or even year would be an overall measure. Thus, it is possible to have brief moment-to-moment or long-term overall measures of any emotion. For example SHAQ’s Overall Happiness Scale is designed to be a long-term average measure of huge numbers of actual happiness emotional responses over a long time period.



The more we understand about values, the more we gain a tool for getting control of our happiness. The next few sections will show how closely the key concept of values is connected to the concept of harmonious functioning.


Happiness is caused by satisfaction of underlying values. In earlier chapters I stated that our happiness depends upon satisfying underlying values, and I gave examples of common values--such as desires for achievement, intimacy, money, independence, and security. However, I didn't say what I think causes us to learn these values in the first place.


The harmonious functioning model explains how values are learned. When I was in the second grade, I didn't know anything about baseball and didn't like or dislike baseball. I had little knowledge of it and did not value it. But Mom literally pushed me out the door and forced me to try out for the little league team. The coach taught me the rules and taught me how to play. At first, I didn't like it too well.

However, as I improved and began to function more harmoniously with the ball (I learned to throw, catch, and hit it), I began to enjoy playing with it. I also began to enjoy the social aspects as I functioned harmoniously with other team members. Within a year or so, baseball seemed like the most important value in my life. I wanted to be a big-league baseball player when I grew up. I kept that dream until the eleventh grade.

This story illustrates how baseball became an important value for me. My brain had associated baseball with harmonious functioning. There wasn't anything in my life where I felt as much in the zone as I did playing ball. Baseball--and nearly everything associated with it--became a positive value. I loved playing baseball, I loved thinking about baseball, I even loved the smell of the grass.

Those stimuli all gave me happy feelings. The underlying cause of loving baseball was that my brain had learned that playing ball meant harmonious functioning. Harmonious functioning made me love baseball.


Each subpart has its own values and potential for harmonious functioning. As a boy, my inner baseball player had grown to be a big part of me. It developed a lot of expertise at baseball and its own set of values and goals. I no longer play ball. However, whenever I see a movie about baseball, the smell of the leather gloves, the sensations of pitching, and the excitement of the game all rush back. That role of baseball player is etched in my brain and still loves baseball, playing on a team, and the excitement of everyone focused on whether my next pitch will be a ball or a strike.

We consist of many subparts. Our values reflect our various subparts' desires. Happiness is the emotion we feel when these values are being met (i.e. when that subpart is in harmony). When all of our active cognitive subsystems [little people in our heads] are functioning in harmony at any one moment, then we feel happy for that moment. When these values are not being fulfilled, the feelings they cause are the feelings of unhappiness such as anxiety, anger, and depression.


      Emotions--even the negative ones like anxiety, anger, and depression--are useful and normal. They tell us about the states of our values, goals, and expectations. We each feel some degree of anxiety, anger, and depression every day.

Our emotions vary moment to moment. We all have periods in our lives--especially during transitions--when we feel prolonged, intense amounts of these emotions. That is also normal. Frequently, these intense emotional transition periods are periods that help produce our greatest growth. Therefore, they are periods of great opportunity.


Emotions serve as warning signals about underlying issues. The main positive function of the negative emotions is that they tell us that something is wrong. There is a mismatch or conflict going on in our cognitive system. Our goals, expectations, plans, perceptions of reality, or other thoughts aren’t in harmony.

Some part of ourselves is not getting its values met at the level it expects. For example, if you are about to be laid off from your job, your inner financial manager (valuing money and your job), might feel threatened. Similarly, if someone you love starts giving subtle messages that he or she is tiring of the relationship; your inner lover might get upset. You may feel the negative emotions before becoming conscious of those subtle messages.









Do you ever wonder why you feel an emotion so intensely? A client came into my office because he was feeling a great deal of anxiety and depression. His partner had just broken up with him, his college work had deteriorated, he had lost his job, his finances were a mess, and he couldn't sleep. The importance of the value, the number of values affected, and the immediacy of the value all can have major effects upon our emotions. In his case his career, relationship, finances, and sleep are all important values and the threats to them were current--not sometime in the future.




1. Importance of the values affected. How important is this one value to your overall happiness? The more important the value, the higher the emotional intensity.

2. Expectation and adaption levels of values affected. The higher your expectations and standards, the harder it is to meet them. Values, expectations, and goals are key aspects of the HF model and directly cause mental search, stimulation, and reinforcement. Adaption levels and novelty also cause varying degrees of search, stimulation, and reinforcement. For example a child used to poverty may feel very happy about receiving a used toy that a wealthy child would feel upset receiving.

3. Number of values affected. The greater the number of values, the greater the emotional intensity.

4. Immediacy (versus delay) of the values affected. The closer the deadline or event, the greater the emotional intensity.

5. Certainty of value satisfaction. The greater the certainty that it will be met, the happier we will be. The greater the certainty that we will not get the value met, the more depression or anger we may feel about it. The greater the uncertainty, the greater the anxiety. Certainty affects the type of emotion as well as the degree of emotional intensity (see Chapter 8).

6. Length of time value will be satisfied (or not). The longer the expected period of satisfaction or dissatisfaction, the greater the intensity.

7. Amount of understanding and planning related to getting the values met. The more we understand important aspects of the situation and the more confident we are in a clear plan to meet the value, the more confident and happier we will feel.

   The less cognitive structure we have for coping with an important value situation, the greater the negative emotions--especially anxiety. In the next chapter, you will learn a variety of specific methods for gaining increased understanding and planning to get mental control of your emotions.

8. Classical conditioning (mental association). Cognitive responses can also become classically conditioned (associated) with emotional responses. An image of the ocean can lead to very different emotions for a surfer versus a person whose sister drowned there. Mental associations are powerful stimuli.

   Mental associations may work in either direction. For example, research shows that people who become happy tend to generate more positive and less negative thoughts; while those who become depressed tend to do the opposite.


It is no wonder that he felt so much anxiety and depression, since he had little mental control over any of these important values when he first sat down. However, after looking at these situations and gaining more mental control, he felt much better. He achieved that mental control through increased understanding, making some decisions, changing some expectations, and developing some alternative plans. Within one hour he had increased mental control in all four areas and felt much more in control. To understand why you get so upset, it is important to consider each of the following seven factors which influence the intensity of your emotions. It is useful to memorize them (See box.)


We have seen how functioning in the zone and satisfying values are essentially the same phenomena. We have seen how the seven factors listed below affect the intensity of our emotions. If you have not already done so, now would be a good time to begin exploring your own key values so that you can understand why you feel the emotions you feel, and so that you can get more conscious control over your values and therefore your emotions.


PRACTICE 1: Make your values checklist. If you have not done so already, (1) make a Values checklist of all your important values/needs for each area of your life--such as career/school, people, recreation, safety/health/physical activity, self-development, spiritual, and financial. (2) Include important activities, types of activities, and underlying, more general needs/values on your checklist. (3) Assess the relative importance of each value/need. (4) Assess how well each value is currently being met (relative to your own standards). (5) Begin problem-solving on needs/values that are not up to expectations. You can either modify expectations or modify what you are doing to meet that value.


PRACTICE 2: Understanding why you feel so bad–identify the factors that increase the emotion’s intensity. Think of a problem that is upsetting you (perhaps more than you expect or think it should). Try the self-exploration method (Chapter 2) to identify the underlying issues that are bothering you. List which important values are being affected, denied, or threatened by the situation. Then consider the seven factors described above to understand why you are experiencing the emotion with such intensity. What are the important values? How many are being affected? What conflicts between values (and subparts) are occurring? How immediate and certain is the threat or problem? How long can the effect last?



The harmonious functioning model is a powerful idea for understanding how our mind processes inputs and how our emotions monitor that processing to reinforce us when we are in the zone and warn us when we are not. It unifies ideas from many areas of psychology. You can use it to gain control over your emotions (and life) in any area--such as your career, academic life, relationships, self-development, health, or spiritual life.

In the next chapter I will present some powerful methods for getting mental control over your emotions. I use them almost every day with my own emotions or with my clients.



We were designed to maximize learning and growth.

When the mind has optimal challenge and inner harmony,

it produces maximum learning, performance, and happiness.

Over time it produces maximum motivation, self-esteem, and health.

It is as if all the members of a great orchestra played in perfect harmony

to produce one great crescendo at the climax of a magnificent concerto.

Our Higher Selves can conduct our subparts

to focus our knowledge and energy

toward our best performance and keep us in the zone

of harmonious functioning–benefiting ourselves and others.

















Our thoughts can control our emotions
through external routes and internal routes.

The external route to happiness requires skilled actions and

cooperative forces in the external world.

The internal route to happiness is much more direct.

For those who believe their happiness
totally depends on conditions in the external world,

direct mental control over emotions seems magical.  



Clients come into my office with many types of problems. Many of these problems are about concerns over which they have no immediate external control. People worry about their relationships, careers, finances, addictions, health, and everything imaginable.

Some have almost given up hope and are seriously considering suicide. We can do nothing in one hour that will actually eliminate any of these external problems. We cannot reform partners, find a new job, or find sudden wealth. All we can do is think and talk.

Yet, amazingly, almost all of my clients leave my office feeling much better than when they came in. If they cannot immediately change the external causes which they believe cause their misery, then how can they immediately feel better? They can achieve more mental control of the situation and increase hope. Since mental control is the most important factor regulating emotions, clients can feel much better in less than an hour.

 External conditions are important to our happiness; but most of the external conditions we assume to be essential, are not. When we believe that we cannot be happy unless the external world matches our desires, then we lose mental control.




The beliefs

(1) that no particular external conditions are essential for happiness and

(2) that we can mentally control our emotions

are foundations for mental control of emotions.


There are limits on external events, but no limits on thoughts. Real world events must stay planted in the ground, but our thoughts can soar. If we achieve mental control over these thoughts and emotions, then achieving control over the external events is not so important.

Two different clients faced two different tragic situations. These situations dramatically changed their lives. One--I will call Mary--developed an illness at age 19, which left her with no vision. Mary had loved visual beauty, reading, driving a car, going to movies and plays, and participating in many activities with her friends. She also loved her independence. After losing her sight, she could not even go for a walk by herself if it meant being in traffic; and her social contacts became much more limited.

There was no way that Mary could get her sight back--that was out of her control. She also had new limits in many life areas. She could never again drive a car, watch TV, or see a sunset. Although she had new limits to the real control she had over the external world, she discovered how to get mental control over the situation and her emotions.

Once Mary believed that she could find different routes to happiness, she began finding them. She found new routes to happiness in old activities she loved. She even learned how to “watch” TV and movies by listening and using her imagination. When she wanted to go for a scenic drive, she would ask people to describe the scenery and she would create mental images of what she saw. She continued to go with her friends to the same places. She even went to singles bars and danced.

She also found many new routes to happiness through a new view of life, new activities, and an inner world that she learned to love. She told me that her loss of sight had opened doors and created a world of opportunities previously unknown to her. It is ironic that she is so much happier than most people with normal vision. She brought light into my life and I will never forget her. She was so happy and radiant that she helped me see how even loss of sight can be overcome by living in harmony with our outer and inner worlds.


Too much dependence upon others means loss of mental control over our happiness. The other client, Nancy, also had a tragic loss. Her husband suddenly died. She had been extremely close to him; and had depended upon him as her main source of happiness in many life areas.

Nancy had feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and depression because she had lost control over much of her life. She had been so dependent upon her husband for taking care of her that she had little confidence she could take care of herself. She had developed a strong belief that he made her happy and had little confidence that she could make herself happy. Nancy believed that the center of control over her happiness was external--her husband--and not internal.